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Thread: It is so easy for him to hit me, but leaving him isn't so simple.

  1. #11
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I got out of an abusive marriage with pets.

    He bought you a dog and therefore "anchored" you and insured that you will not leave. Make sure vet records are in your name only and go to a new vet if you have to.
    Yes, you can leave. do you have a relative or friend you can stay with for a few days or weeks to get safe?
    I would make sure you have copies of important papers in your purse or a bag. your birth certificate, ssn, copies of bank info, etc, and bring it with you every day to work or class. make it look normal to carry that bag, and also when he is not home, take a larger bag out with you to the car every day so that neighbors are used to seeing you come and go with it so that they don't mention anything odd to him.

    Then one day, don't come back. take cooper with you -- a couple days of food and his main items -- you can always buy more food, and you will have another sofa someday, too.
    When you are out, you can ask the landlord to release you from the lease and explain the circumstances and they may release you and its up to your boyfriend to find a roommate or you pay a pentalty to end the lease.

    I got out with my pets, a few family heirlooms and photos and some pet supplies - and basic clothing.
    I had previously taken a few small things here and there to a friends -- he hated a particular painting so i "gifted" it to the friend but the fried was "in on it" and knew that they were just holding on to it for me. (a relative painted it so i wanted to keep it)

    Identify a few irreplacable items (great grandmas wedding photo, etc) and get them to a safe deposit or a friend or family member and then remember the rest -- the spaghetti strainer, the wastebasket are all just stuff.

    you may end up with the rest of your stuff in the end - who knows - but you need to get out. And also call the police...get a papertrail - get a restraining order.

    Honestly, who cares about facebook. hide your relationship status or keep it the same. It doesn't matter what facebook says.
    This is such amazing advice... I am sorry that you had to go through this abit... gratifying to see that you have come out the other side and can provide hope for the OP to do the same.

  2. #12
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    Good Lord! Stop with all of the excuses!

    If you want out, then leave, before he kills YOU!

    I can't imagine any lease that would be binding if your life is at risk. Have you contacted an abuse hotline regarding your rights?

    Point #5 is crazy. I think that your friends would think t would be insane to be with a guy like this. Have you told friends and family? If not, why not?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member charity's Avatar
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    Your story is so disturbing, for a number of reasons.

    Firstly, what he is doing to you is very scary and you are in a terrifying position.

    Secondly, I'm not quite sure that you realize it. At times it seems like you do but other times you mention things that really have me wondering if you realize the seriousness of this.

    You make excuses for him and speak as if all this is somewhat normal. He is very nice when he's not punching you???? That he fixes your car is a bonus? You'll stay with him forever so that you can have the dog??? Girl, he will kill that dog AND you if you don't get out of there. You are worried about social media - facebook... but if I was you I would be worried that I would end up all over worldwide media for reasons far far far worse than a breakup. Stop saying he is nice, he is committed. Please stop thinking these things because they DO NOT MATTER. They stopped mattering when he slapped you the first time.

    Everything has to come to a stop right now. All you should be figuring out right now is how to get yourself and the dog out of there safely. I advise you to take abitbroken's advice and do your research carefully on getting out safely.

    You are so young. Please do everything not to make yourself a statistic.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Where will Cooper go when he eventually murders you or puts you in a coma? Or when he kills your dog? It doesn't matter what kind of degrees you want to pursue, you need to educate yourself on domestic violence. Don't be irresponsible and foolish. Unfortunately the first time he kills you or your dog will be the last.
    Originally Posted by Rosex25
    it consists of strangling, slapping, punching, kicking, or just the general pushing to the ground, etc. He will get extremely mad at our dog for the most trivial of things. destroyed the WiFi router box, the Roomba, a potted plant, and a set of wine glasses. The first time he slapped me, the first time he strangled me, the first time he spit in my face, the first time he kicked the dog... etc.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Rosex25
    But logistically, it is also hard to break-up for several reasons.
    One: he is crazy and might try to kill me, the one time I broke up the relationship for a week, I had to call the police, and they were there to escort him away.
    So, you rather risk being killed than breaking up with him?? Really?

    Call the police and get a restraining order. It CAN be done.

    I also strongly advise you seek professional counselling/therapy to help you figure out exactly WHY you choose to remain in an extremely toxic, dysfunctional and abusive relationship, as it's just not normal (imo). Please, get help. The sooner the better. Choosing to stay with someone who physically abuses you .... well, that's on YOU.

    I have never read such an extremely disturbing post in all the years I have been here on ENA. OP, You seriously need to get help and get out.

  7. #16
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    Hi Rose,

    I know it's scary. I know this won't make sense. But I completely understand. Let me give you some thoughts that are "typically true" of abusive relationships that may inspire some idea or path to get where you need to go.
    1. You know yo have to leave him eventually right? You know that longer your stay the more complex/difficult it gets to leave correct? This is why it's always better to leave EARLIER than later. It just gets darker and deeper and harder to do the right thing the longer you stay.
    2. There are always options - more than you will probably ever know. Be it shelters, assistance programs, or friends and family who actually undestand what's going on (even though you don't know they do) and are ready to jump in and help (even though you don't know they are). They are just looking for that "sign" from you to jump in and help at the same time you are probably thinking you dont' want to burden or bother any of them, they're so busy bla bla bla. Believe me, anybody who has had a friend victimized by abuse is SO READY to be there and help their friend out - just as many more than yo know are ready to help you. Promise me you will just let out the word to all you know , and just let them know yo are coming around finally to understand you must leave - and you will see just how much help there is that you'll wonder "why did i wait this long?" And of course if you don't know, or need help to do this, please call any abuse victims hotline or shelter hotline and they will be very happy to help.
    3. Who ever said it woudl be easy? yes i know it's not simple. It's not easy. It's downright terrifying in fact. I remember calling my best friend on the phone one Saturday morning crying (I am a man!) and just saying, "i'm stuck... i can't see a way out.. there is no way out.." and it shocked me to hear myself saying this and truly believeing it. This is how the abuser programs the victim to believe and so all this difficult, scary, fear for your life, etc. - is the ABUSER'S PROGRAMMING OF YOUR BRAIN they've done to you to ensure you do not leave! It's all a hoax Rose. It's not real. Believe me it's not real. This is the same game every abuser plays on their victim (yes.. i am a male victim of a female abuser!)
    4. The last part i want to address is your thesis and degree. I completely undersatnd that you look at it now and dont' want to "lose any work" or "waste any of teh hard work" you've already spent on this pursuit. But, history has nothign to do with it. Just like "easy" doesn't have anything and shouldn't have any influence on what we decide. To fulfill one's life you can't decide easy vs hard, you do what's right vs wrong. To life a fulfilling life you don't decide based on "what you've already invested in the past", you must always ask yourself "what would it require me to invest going forward.. what do i want to invest the time/energy i have left in?" Continuing to play this abuse game that's making it harder for you to succeed and waste more energy on this game? Or to break free from it and maybe redo a few months work?

    I actually see it the opposite way. Look at how much time you've invested and wasted being a victim to this person. YEARS! If not decades! Do you really want to spend more years/decades on this vs ending it and redoing a few months work for a degree? You could probably get more out of your degree and studies without the abuse distraction in your life don't you think? Even write a better thesis?

    I know how hard and scary it is. I"ve been studing abusive relationships for decades. AFter all that I myself became andn abuse victim as a male to an ex-gf (it was MY final lesson and understanding of what victim's go thru and personalize it so it wasn't just textbooks for me in the end.) And as a person who got thru it (many never do) - I'm telling yo. it's absolutely worth it to end the abuse FIRST and then go back and live your life including your degree. It REALLY is. tHE ANALOGY i would use as an equivalent is one's health via weight/diet and smoking. Yeah we can work real hard at our diet and weight maintenance - but it really doesn't matter if we quit smoking. The thing that makes the MOST difference is quitting smoking first.. then you can work on your diet/weight. Smoking is abuse. Diet/weight is like your degree.

    Think about it.. please? and hang in there.

  8. #17
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    Please watch "Dirty John". It just finished. It's available On Demand, and listen to the podcast. It's all free.

    It's a completely true story about the "greatest" guy in the world, and how he swept a woman off her feet.

    Social media? Afraid to remove "In a Relationship"? How about Facebook having to create one of those "Memorial" pages for you?

    This is so bad.

    Please, please, please, go to a women's shelter. DO NOT LET HIM KNOW you are going. Do not use your phone to call them. Call from another number. Do not look any of this up on your computer. Delete your history on whatever device you are using to access this site.

  9. #18
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    You're letting him kick your dog?

    What did the dog do to deserve being abused?

  10. #19
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by abitbroken
    I got out of an abusive marriage with pets.

    He bought you a dog and therefore "anchored" you and insured that you will not leave. Make sure vet records are in your name only and go to a new vet if you have to.
    Yes, you can leave. do you have a relative or friend you can stay with for a few days or weeks to get safe?
    I would make sure you have copies of important papers in your purse or a bag. your birth certificate, ssn, copies of bank info, etc, and bring it with you every day to work or class. make it look normal to carry that bag, and also when he is not home, take a larger bag out with you to the car every day so that neighbors are used to seeing you come and go with it so that they don't mention anything odd to him.

    Then one day, don't come back. take cooper with you -- a couple days of food and his main items -- you can always buy more food, and you will have another sofa someday, too.
    When you are out, you can ask the landlord to release you from the lease and explain the circumstances and they may release you and its up to your boyfriend to find a roommate or you pay a pentalty to end the lease.

    I got out with my pets, a few family heirlooms and photos and some pet supplies - and basic clothing.
    I had previously taken a few small things here and there to a friends -- he hated a particular painting so i "gifted" it to the friend but the fried was "in on it" and knew that they were just holding on to it for me. (a relative painted it so i wanted to keep it)

    Identify a few irreplacable items (great grandmas wedding photo, etc) and get them to a safe deposit or a friend or family member and then remember the rest -- the spaghetti strainer, the wastebasket are all just stuff.

    you may end up with the rest of your stuff in the end - who knows - but you need to get out. And also call the police...get a papertrail - get a restraining order.

    Honestly, who cares about facebook. hide your relationship status or keep it the same. It doesn't matter what facebook says.
    Amazing advice and very inspiring.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    Good Lord! Stop with all of the excuses!

    If you want out, then leave, before he kills YOU!

    I can't imagine any lease that would be binding if your life is at risk. Have you contacted an abuse hotline regarding your rights?

    Point #5 is crazy. I think that your friends would think t would be insane to be with a guy like this. Have you told friends and family? If not, why not?
    Agree. Abuse almost always escalates and doesn't get better and if it's at this point already...

    Also if you have children with this man you'll be introducing them to the cycle of abuse.

    Your survival is detrimental for your education goals. You can't take your PHD if you're not alive to take it. And if your friends are good friends they rather see you safe and happier than being beaten and abused by a monster just so you keep the appearances. Also if you have family I'm sure they'd help and shelter you if they knew your life is in risk. Or that a friend would help you through this. Asking for help and support is not a sign of failure. Abusers thrive on isolating their victims. He chose you to be his victim probably because he saw that your fear of showing your life is not perfect and asking for help would keep you from leaving and from getting help. Or maybe he manipulated you and isolated you so that you think this.

    I haven't been through such violent abuse like you, but I was in a very abusive relationship many years ago that in the end when I finally left was already beginning to become physical. You'll be surprised with how many people are willing to help you if you ask for help. I strongly advise at least calling an abuse hotline. They'll know how to advise you and what you need to do to escape safely.

    And sorry for all my rambling and probably incoherence but I'm very disturbed by this thread and very concerned about you.

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