I don't understand guys! HELP

Hey

I am a 18 year old college student

I never had a boyfriend before but I had some casual relationships that left me heartbroken.

I usually meet guys at parties while I am a little drunk (that's a bad start for a relationship, I know). Last time i went to a party I met a guy and we had sex at my place. The following morning he said that he wanted to date me (which was odd) and that he would like to see me again.

I was cool with it, because I really want to be in a serious relationship with someone. We saw each other 2 more times, we had sex again and he never asked me to date him... now he's going to be on holidays for more than a month and I bet he is going to forget all about me. Yesterday I sent him a text asking how was his holidays gping and he text a bit. Anyways, I said that we were going to spend a lot of time apart and he only agreed with a sad emoji. I sent him another message in a playful tone telling him not to forget about me and he didn't even reply....

Notes:

He's not really the type of guy that likes to text all the time

When he was with me he always told me that I was his and that I couldn't meet anymore guys and always said cute things to me.

What should I do? Should I give up?

Ps:. I am trying to quit my casual dating fase so that I can actually meet a decent guy.

Pss:. I just really wanted a solid and healthy relationship but my boy friends always see me as a friendly girl rather than girlfriend material. However, when I go to parties I am the hook up girl. When I get myself into a casual relationship is because I am looking for someone to cuddle me and someone who makes me feel special (even if it's just for a few hours). It's not all about sex to me.

Thank u all.

You were too quick to hop in bed with this guy, he told you what he figured you'd want to hear and then he went basically silent. Slow down, get to know guys first. You dont seem to want casual sex but rather a relationship, and what you were doing isnt how to get there.

Though you think your tone was playful telling him not to forget about you, it speaks of low self esteem which is not attractive. Confident, independent women have the attitude that a guy will treat her special, and if he doesn't, she'll move on because she deserves better. That's what's attractive to guys. Someone who feels good about herself and isn't a doormat.

Searching for a LTR is a different process than hooking up with guys at parties. For one thing, being alone for sex with a guy you don't know is dangerous. Plus, having sex releases hormones in a woman that makes her want to bond with a man, even if he isn't right for her.

For a better chance for a LTR, try a different venue to meet men, like joining one or two college clubs that interest you. I was in a ski club while in college. You can join in co-ed sports teams or attend games. And then if a guy asks you out, make sure you don't go to either one your places since when you have chemistry with someone, it's hard to rein in your desires. See if he's willing to get to know you with a lot of time to talk on dates for a good few months. Guys who are looking for the same thing as you will be patient with having sex for the first time. Don't make more effort than him with communication or asking to get together. Gauge his interest by his efforts, and if you're reasonable in your expectations and not feeling happy about a lack of effort, move on.

You're getting some good life experience, learning what you want and what you don't want, and how best to achieve your goals. If you happen to find guys to be too immature at this stage in your life to be good partners, why not enjoy your single life and have fun with girlfriends and focus on your education? You have all of your future to be tied down later to a guy. Good luck.

You seem smart enough to know what to do. Stop getting drunk and hooking up with randoms hoping it becomes a relationship. If you want a bf, go on real dates sober and get to know each other.

I usually meet guys at parties while I am a little drunk (that's a bad start for a relationship, I know). Last time i went to a party I met a guy and we had sex at my place.

In order to have someone care about you enough to have a serious relationship, you need to establish a connection that has nothing to do with sex.

They have to get to know you, become good friends with you, build a foundation. They need to get to know who you are as a person and to spend time with you.

If you throw that all away and just jump into bed with them, the only see you as someone to have sex with. There is no feelings, little emotions, no connections.

You also don't give anything to build up to. People like anticipation. It keeps them coming back for more. If you hand everything over right away...what is there left to look forward to?

I am guessing at this, but perhaps it's a self esteem issue and you don't think you have much else to offer, therefore you hand out sex because you don't feel they will be interested otherwise.

If that's the case, you need to do something about your self esteem and self confidence.

But the last thing you should be doing is letting men use you and toss you.

Only you can change things and give yourself a chance at something better.

You can't blame "guys" for the poor choices you've been making.

Having sex with a guy the first time you meet him does not lead to relationships. You know this.

You're very young. It's good to learn this lesson now.

At the end of the day, having sex won't make or break the relationship if it was meant to be a relationship in the first place. Having sex with someone you don't know doesn't lower your value, but it also doesn't get you the kind of relationship you are looking for. If you want someone that will date you and cuddle you and for it not to be all about sex, don't confuse the situation by making it all about sex in the first place by having sex right away. Stand up for what you want and deflect what you don't.

As for this guy... he will be gone for a month and living life the way he wants... I suggest you let him go and do the same, and find someone that is more aligned with your values around relationships.

you don't know doesn't lower your value

Unfortunately, that's not the popular opinion for most of society. Having sex right away doesn't seem to give a very good impression.

Unfortunately, that's not the popular opinion for most of society. Having sex right away doesn't seem to give a very good impression.

Half-jokes aside, when you're talking drunken hookups at a party, there's no real impression to be made aside from the sex itself. OP wasn't going to meet this guy half a bottle of Smirnoff in and have a great date with him next Friday if only she didn't wrestle naked with him that night. And in cases that are within an actual dating context, actually meeting up in an organized and sober setting, the date itself is the impression. If a guy is truly digging you, he's not going to say "ugh what a sl*t, not gonna her again" after having sex. If he doesn't really see a second or third date with you but thinks you're hot enough for a lay, well, that'll obviously be that. Point is though that unless you're simply bad in bed, sex won't be the factor that breaks potential, just as it won't be the factor that creates it in spite of any of the thousand legitimate reasons anyone could have not to be interested in a second date.

Where I probably would agree there's a point to be made is in having a reputation of being "the hook up girl." I mean, if you want sex to be a sure thing after these parties and you like that guys will know you're the gal to look for in that endeavor, knock yourself out (figuratively). Whether in the moment they're devaluing you or thanking God that you exist, it's going to be dudes looking for a hookup coming after you. If you want the cuddling without the casual, I'd start going home a couple hours before the party gets sloppy and consider going on more meaningful dates. Or better yet spend your first couple years getting into a rhythm for studying before complicating it with romance.

You seem smart enough to know what to do. Stop getting drunk and hooking up with randoms hoping it becomes a relationship. If you want a bf, go on real dates sober and get to know each other.

Yes. You just have to learn how to date. It's ok if there's a learning curve, there is for all of us! But you won't learn if you keep avoiding it.

You described yourself as the "Hook up girl" at parties so how do you think others view you? How do you think a solid guy that is looking for a relationship views you?

Reputations get around a college and your actions build that reputation up or down. Be more cautious about what you do when out having fun.

There will never be a shortage of guys that just want to hit and quit it but meeting a guy that wants the same things as you takes time and patience.

I am sure you have a lot on your plate with school so perhaps searching for a relationship isn't a priority.

Either way taking things much slower would serve you much better.

PS Please be careful, most of these guys you meet at parties are total strangers and please please please make sure the guy wears a condom!

Lost

stop having sex with guys at parties. Don't get drunk at parties. Meet guys at class, volunteer groups, etc. Then guys will see you in a different light

Well...first of all, you are only 18 and a freshman in college. At that age, few people are looking to get into anything serious in terms of dating and relationships. Most people you will meet are going to be looking to just let their hair down and have some fun. So, try not to feed yourself some depressing story how something must be wrong with you that you don't have a bf. I mean you are way too young to even worry about that.

That said, some very good points that don't go hooking up with guys at parties unless you truly just feel like hooking up and want him to leave when you are done with him. If you want real dates, then keep your panties on. Yes, it's college, you go out, you party, you drink, you meet people. If you think the guy is cute, exchange numbers. If he wants to see you, he'll arrange a date. If he doesn't, don't presume that you are defective - more likely he got too wasted at the party to remember anything the next day. As the old joke goes, "I can't remember so the party must have been awesome."

Overall, work on your self esteem. Saying things like he will forget me just because I'm not in his face every single day is silly thinking and very unattractive if you actually say it to the guy instead of keeping those kinds of thoughts to yourself and figuring out how to get rid of them. If you believe you aren't worthy, then others will simply agree with you. What you think of yourself, determines how others value you as well. Value yourself more than this.

Well... you're experiencing mother nature's finest pratical joke on us all. You're at the age where all guys think about is sex (they think about it predominantly). Not long-term relationships. So the chances you'll meet a long-term guy are very small at your age.

As well you are young.. so any guy beingn with an 18-yr-old gal is more thinking of short term and casual than long-term.

Now is the time to date and explore and see what you truly do like and don't like in a guy for long-term. And hopefully get a year or 2 out of it in a relationship if you're lucky.

You are using the wrong venues to find "a long term guy" (partying? don't think so). And you are sleeping with them early which gives them the wrong idea of why you get close to guys. Also, i'm pretty sure it's developed a reputation for you and so guys just know just to wait until a party when you get drunk and they can have sex with you.

so a lot will have to change. and i want you to think about pavlov (scientific theory) to help you keep it straight. With pavlov, you want to reward good behavior, and not reward bad behavior. So you in other words want to give attention and intimacy (of the cuddling kind, or even sex if you enjoy sex) to the guys that take the time to know you and make it NOT about sex. You want to stop giving attention and intimacy to the guys that come at you when you are drunk and definitely DO NOT rrreward these guys with sex immediately. That will send a different message, develop a different reputation - and hopefully that will change the way things are going.

Always REWAARD desirable behavior.

Make sure you are NOT rewarding un-desirable behavior.

Do this consistently and things will start to happen the way you want it.

Good luck and be careful. Since you have a "reputation" to this point, people will be resistant o changing their view and treating you differently. So you will have to be SUPER consistent and persistent about this change and changing your behavior to change theirs.