True closure- 9 years later

It was a cold winter day, 9 years ago to be precise that my life has radically changed.

 

It was a stormy winter day, I was coming back from work, the road was very slippery, and somehow i managed to get into

a car accident. The damage to the car was pretty great, but luckily I was OK. After all the mess that the accident involved

has cleared (about 2 hours later), all frozen, exhausted and defeated, i dialed my GF of 2 years at the time (plus 5 years of very close and intimate friendship before)

to talk and just get some piece of mind after that accident.

 

When telling her about her accident, her voice was cold and non caring, I asked her what is wrong, and she told me she is leaving me,

for somebody else who is more mature, financially stable, and serious, that was the day life as i knew it ended.

 

A little background. For many years I have been big on going out every day, clubbing, partying

and had a very socially active life style, while working in a minimum paying job, taking a useless university program just to say I am studying and,

no real aspirations in life, but this lifestyle worked great for me.

 

For many years, I have been friends with this girl, we were best friends of opposite sex, and I was always there for her when she needed me

and she was always there for me when I needed her.

 

This girl really liked me and was chasing me, and I liked her but i had

too many other options with my socially wild life style. we both had partners so somehow we did not get a chance

to get together up until much later, when she broke up with her BF, then came to me to talk, and one thing led to

another and then we admitted feelings to each other and become a couple.

 

Things were actually really good on all levels, aside of the fact that she was she was already professionally settled with

a good profession that makes good money and ready to settle down, while I was still taking useless courses in university

that would have lead nowhere+ working in a retail store for minimum wage. (we were both 25)

 

3 Months prior to her dumping me, she has began saying that she wants to get married and start a family, she didn't care

how much money I made, she just wanted to be with me and start a family. I felt like I am not ready yet, financially and mentally

and said that I need some time to figure things out. Overall the relationship kept on being strong, but she did started bringing more

and more the topic of settling down with me and having a family, while i kept on saying that I am not ready at this point yet.

 

Moving fast forward, I got into a car accident, and when I called her she was extremely cold and non caring

and told me straight up that she found somebody who is ready to start a family, financially stable, mature, and she loves him.

 

I have never been cheated on in my life, nor did I ever experience a broken heart, so needless to say how terrible i felt-

like my world just crushed down on me. I just couldn't understand how someone who I did so much for during all of

our years of friendship, somebody who was chasing me and swearing that she loved me, could cheat on me and dump me

like yesterdays garbage, especially after something really bad like a car accident.

 

A bit of a background, she has history of cheating, she cheated on one her boyfriends years ago, then she cheated on her other boyfriend

she had before me - with me, and then she cheated on me with the new guy she got married with eventually ( 3 people in total)

 

I made all the mistakes you could possibly think of: begging, non stop calling, promising to give her whatever she wants

and so on, non obviously helped and she was just ignoring me at this point.

 

Aside of the broken heart, I came to a sudden realization that I was a loser, which crushed my world even harder,

I realized that I am going no where, and even if I want a family, I CANT have one since i am not stable or mature.

Suddenly I stopped enjoying clubbing, going out every night and wild social gatherings- for some reason non of that appealed to me

anymore- I was completely lost.

 

After 2 days of being truly depressed and not getting out of the bed, i woke up one morning, but this morning was different, as if I knew exactly what i needed to do.

I forced myself out of the bed, where i spent the last 2 days, dragged myself to an adults high school, enrolled myself in science courses

got marks i never dreamed I could get, enrolled into very competitive university program, got in, and graduated (took me 5 years in total) and

started making very good money with a lot of perspective for professional and financial development, and more importantly i love what I do.

 

Took me a couple of years to truly get over her, it was very hard, especially while i was struggling in school, seeing her

getting engaged, having kids and living a "happy life" with her new man, but that was one of the things that motivated me to move forward

and excel in school and university.

I never truly forgave her betrayal and was holding resentment for the whole time (it greatly subsided with year but still there).

 

Back in the days when i was lost, i was asking a lot of questions in this forum such as, "is he a rebound"? " "will she ever consider getting back with me" and "how could she

do this to me"... non of these questions really mattered and the fact is that she was "happily married" to this guy with 3 kids, so eventually i let go and forgot.

 

Nowadays I am in a great relationship, and professionally I am doing really well, love my job and definitely financially well, stable, and looking forward for starting a family soon.

 

CLOSURE

A couple of days ago, one of my friends, who got her on Instagram, noticed that she has changed her last name back to her original last name.

He inquired further, and apparently they have been separated for 6 months now, heading for divorce- he has an alcohol problem and at some point it got really bad so that

he started being physically abusive to her and the kids, so she had to get a restrain order against him, and he is very obsessed.

 

After having 3 kids she seems to have been aged non gracefuly (she is 34 or 35 now), and it shows, she used to be very attractive, but it is all gone,

she is out of shape, lost her youthful look and she is a newly single mother of 3 kids.

All i can think of is that she is royally screw*d, good luck finding a guy

with your terrible personality and cheating issue, 3 kids, and non appealing looks.

 

You can judge me, but I am really happy that she is suffering, I never believed in Karma, but she

is getting what she deserves. I always imagine and wished for it to happen, but in reality they looked

happy so I just accepted that this is it and moved on.

 

I am also happy that I didn't end up with her, who knows what was really going on in the marriage, and how much

of the divorce was her fault, the way I see it, ultimately, the guy she married took the bullet for me, It could have been me

in an unhappy marriage going through a terrible divorce.

 

This feels like a true closure to me :) cheers.

Time heals all wounds...and reveals all secrets*

 

I won't judge you as there is a part of me that hopes I get a similar outcome...just human nature I guess... Definitely a pride and ego thing which ain't that good*

 

But another saying that springs to mind is "If you take pleasure in their failings then you will suffer in their successes"...or something like that.

 

Perhaps in time you will actually thank her (in your heart) for the experience as it seems it was a good springboard for you.

 

Glad to hear you're doing well*

 

Regards

 

Carus*

It's good that you feel that you have your closure, no matter how you got there. The thing is that you now need to let this go and put an end to all this resentment about her once and for all. She was a cheater so in reality you could have reached the conclusion that you dodged a bullet years ago. Cheaters are inherently selfish people i.e. they are no prizes even if they stay married forever. Imo, you need to further work on your self-esteem so as not to base closure on events that may take years to unfold (or you may never get to know about).

I love it when an ex gets their just desserts! I'm glad you kicked your butt into LIFE! Good work.

A bit of a background, she has history of cheating, she cheated on one her boyfriends years ago, then she cheated on her other boyfriend she had before me - with me,

I never believed in Karma, but she is getting what she deserves.

Better watch your own Karma then. You helped her to cheat on her boyfriend and she left him to be with you after all. That's kinda Karma-is-a-B-word worthy in itself. I suppose that you got yours when she left you to be with someone else yet again. (She's a real charmer)

 

I have never been cheated on in my life, nor did I ever experience a broken heart, so needless to say how terrible i felt-

Yes and now You know how her boyfriend before you felt.

Glad you are doing well professionally, financially and in a happy relationship. Unfortunately I disagree that the degree and duration of this schadenfreude brings and lasting satisfaction or closure. It seems bitter to even care about all that for this long in general and in light of your current success and happiness in particular.

 

"What motivates schadenfreude?

Researchers have found that there are three driving forces behind schadenfreude: aggression, rivalry, and justice. People who experience schadenfreude usually have low self esteem. Seeing another person fail brings them a small surge of confidence. Whereas, seeing someone who is successful poses as a threat to their sense of self and seeing the 'mighty' fall can be a source of comfort."