My ex wants to meet for coffee/drinks, should I ask for her motivations?

So my ex and I broke up about 3 months ago (we were together 5 years) and she just sent me two recent emails. We used to live together and she still has stuff at my place, so I knew she was going to be contacting me to get it eventually.

But her first email was: "Hey are you free sometime this weekend? I will be in town and wonder if you are interested in getting coffee/a drink together."

But then an hour later she emailed with: "Or, if you would prefer to have me come clean up my stuff and return your keys, let me know when is an appropriate time."

I'm just curious what anyone thinks her motivations might be. Let me be clear that I do not want to get back together with her, but I also wouldn't mind a bit of casual sex/fun, and she may just want the latter. She also sent me a long email about a month ago thanking me for my love and guidance in the relationship (being a bit older than her, I helped her get into a good law school). I responded to thank her, but very curtly.

But, if in these recent emails she just wants to "see how I'm doing" or to tell me how great she's doing, then I don't want to see her at all.

I'm thinking of just simply asking her via email: "why do you want to meet?"

Is that a good idea? Thoughts?

Who decided to break up? If it was her, then just give her an 'appropriate time' to collect her stuff. If it was you...then let her get on with her life. :-)

Well, I'd imagine that the "why do you want to meet?" email will just about kill any chance for casual sex/fun. Because you're responding to her casual tone ("up for a drink?") with weight and gravity ("what does a drink MEAN TO YOU?").

You're showing your cards, letting her know you're still in the spins, or at least that casual contact with her sends you spinning. I'd bet good money that if you "simply" asked that over email, the reply you'd get would be along the lines of: "I'm sorry—didn't mean to cause tension. How's about we figure out a good time for me to return the keys, etc."

Now, if you genuinely just want casual sex/fun—which, frankly, I don't believe you do, otherwise you wouldn't be in overthinking mode—then you'd be willing to have a "how I'm doing" drink, you know? Because casual sex between exes tends to involve a casual drink (or seven) first. And, yes, some smalltalk. If smalltalk sounds emotionally exhausting, if the will-we-or-won't-we charge sounds like a tedious game not good for the soul, it's just really hard for me to imagine that having sex won't rock your equilibrium in all the wrong ways.

But, hey, that's just my two cents.

Want to see about about casual fun, then show her you're fun and casual, even if it's totally inauthentic and you're priming the rails for a little dose of self-loathing: "Good to hear from you. A drink sounds great." Want to be honest with yourself, and what you can really handle? I'd suggest a time when she can drop off the keys and get her stuff, ideally when you're not around, so you can stay on the road to healing.

Casual sex/fun is much easier found on the apps. Some, like Bumble, even have a little box you check for just that. You don't even need to send the email to know what's what.

Having casual sex with someone you were in a five year long relationship with sounds everything but casual. I get it can be tempting for some as they know what to expect, have already been with the person etc but if you end a longterm relationship and sucsessfully make it months past do not look back now.

I would politely arrange a time for her to collect her things and leave it at that. Unless you are not being honest with yourself and do have desire to rekindle the relationship. For me if I entertain an old flame and am willing to sleep with them theres likely a part of me wanting to get back. You don't want to mislead her and It will put your relationship in an incredibly strange place. Assuming she was even on board with the idea which is doubtful.

Oh mate why step into the lions den ...I actually typo'd then and wrote *loins* den ..probably right first time eh !

You could be the one who manages to have no strings sex with an ex without a problem ..but I doubt it ..this decision should come with a * someone is going to get hurt * sticker.

...just give her her stuff and both move on with life .

Just give her her stuff and say goodbye.

Yeah thanks, ya'll have some good points. I am probably not being fully honest with myself in that I still have some lingering feelings for her. But, I still believe I am being honest that, despite those feelings, I know it's not a good idea to get back together nor do I deeply want to. Also, she's actually leaving the entire area in a few months, so it would have to be temporary/casual if anything happened.

I get that the question may come across as inauthentic and reveals my cards. But I guess I'm just genuinely curious why she wants to get a drink. I suppose if I just tell her when to drop off the keys, and she actually wants more than that, then she'll let me know one way or another. If I knew her motivations, it would completely change how it goes if we ended up meeting. But hey, it's obviously not just me who's got trouble knowing others' motivations!

The breakup was more or less mutual, we had a long, honest conversation about it, though I did initiate that conversation to begin with.

So are you all suggesting that I simply ignore her question about the drinks and tell her a good time to get her stuff?

So are you all suggesting that I simply ignore her question about the drinks and tell her a good time to get her stuff?

If you don't want to acknowledge that she asked for drinks, you could simply address the part about her keys/stuff, but my one suggestion would be to craft a polite message. No one here can tell you why she messaged you asking to meet, but if I had to take a guess it was due to some good ol' nostalgia and having some positive feelings for you left over from the relationship. Maybe someday down the line you will desire to reconnect with her in some way, shape, or form, so don't burn the bridge if you can help it. I agree with the other folks, though. Probably best to leave casual sex for casual situations, and five years together is just not a casual situation.

Neither of you needs to go back down the road of second guessing, only to be run over with pain again. Why do that to yourself?

I can't see how sex would ever be a good thing with a 5 year break up. That to me spells out pain and confusion in big bold letters.

Yes, let her know when a good time is to get her stuff. Try not to be there or stick around too long. You're not avoiding out of being harsh, you're avoiding out of either of you being hurt again or confused again.

So my ex and I broke up about 3 months ago (we were together 5 years) and she just sent me two recent emails. We used to live together and she still has stuff at my place, so I knew she was going to be contacting me to get it eventually.

 

But her first email was: "Hey are you free sometime this weekend? I will be in town and wonder if you are interested in getting coffee/a drink together."

 

But then an hour later she emailed with: "Or, if you would prefer to have me come clean up my stuff and return your keys, let me know when is an appropriate time."

 

I'm just curious what anyone thinks her motivations might be. Let me be clear that I do not want to get back together with her, but I also wouldn't mind a bit of casual sex/fun, and she may just want the latter. She also sent me a long email about a month ago thanking me for my love and guidance in the relationship (being a bit older than her, I helped her get into a good law school). I responded to thank her, but very curtly.

 

But, if in these recent emails she just wants to "see how I'm doing" or to tell me how great she's doing, then I don't want to see her at all.

 

I'm thinking of just simply asking her via email: "why do you want to meet?"

 

Is that a good idea? Thoughts?

So, it's okay to meet up if it is just a little sex; otherwise, it is a no go? Charming.

Thanks again folks. Hollyj, in this particular case that was on my mind, yes. It doesn't mean that's how I always see things.

So I ended up telling my ex that I don't really have the time this weekend to meet up for drinks, which is actually somewhat true--I've got stuff planned with friends on Saturday and Sunday already. I also suggested that we could maybe do it another time.

Then I told her she could come by Saturday morning to get her stuff before I leave that day, and that I may or may not be there (also true).

Then she just got back to me to say that should would, in fact, come on Saturday morning. But she also said, "I was hoping we would have the chance to speak in person, but if not I understand..."

So now can I ask her why she wants to talk in person?

Yeah..why not? It's a simple enough question to ask.

Set up a time for her to collect her stuff, exchange things and ties up loose ends so you can be done and move on. No chitchat, no coffee, no "let's be friends", no fwb, etc. Don't try to twist it into a hookup or play games.

Legally you have to let her get her stuff now that she has explicitly stated that in writing, you can't jerk her around and hold it hostage in exchange for a hookup.

If you want casual sex/fun, you'll have to start dating again not confiscate property or lead people on.

she emailed with: "Or, if you would prefer to have me come clean up my stuff and return your keys, let me know when is an appropriate time."

 

I do not want to get back together with her, but I also wouldn't mind a bit of casual sex/fun

I don’t understand why you are dragging out time. Send her things by mail

Thanks again folks. Hollyj, in this particular case that was on my mind, yes. It doesn't mean that's how I always see things.

 

So I ended up telling my ex that I don't really have the time this weekend to meet up for drinks, which is actually somewhat true--I've got stuff planned with friends on Saturday and Sunday already. I also suggested that we could maybe do it another time.

 

Then I told her she could come by Saturday morning to get her stuff before I leave that day, and that I may or may not be there (also true).

 

Then she just got back to me to say that should would, in fact, come on Saturday morning. But she also said, "I was hoping we would have the chance to speak in person, but if not I understand..."

 

So now can I ask her why she wants to talk in person?

You handled it well.

You should ask her. But, if you don't want any reconciliation, maybe not.

I would not ask. I would let the exchange happen.

Seeing you seem to have a good handle on what your expectations are, then go ahead and meet her and she'll likely give you a clue as to what she's after in person.

Had you been fragile in hopes of reconciliation, I might advise otherwise.

The `what do want?' question seems a little rough given the situation.

There is no point to ask her why she wants to meet in person.

I mean, what do you want her to do? Give you the questions and talking points up front? A roadmap to her emotional interior?

She wants to talk in person for the reason all exes want to talk in person: to express feelings x and y, to reach for another branch of closure by say in a and b, to see someone she cares about, to feel whatever is felt, whatever. The agenda is never clear, not in the mind of an ex, so it can't be clearly stated.

If you ask, what you'll get will be something like: "I don't know, I was just thought it would be nice to see you and catch up now that some time has passed."

My rule about meeting up with exes: If I'm skittish about their intentions, asking these questions, I know it's probably not the best idea to meet up, much as I may want to for a host of reasons, not all of them healthy.

Wondering why you’re even pondering this then? If you can really handle sex with the ex, drop by and get your stuff... but do you really want to open that can of worms?

Thanks again. So I did end up asking her why she wants to talk (it's just a simple email, after all), and this is what she said:

I have a variety of thoughts on my mind, but the most important things, perhaps, are that I want to apologize to you for a lot of immaturity in the past, as well as to tell you that I respect and appreciate you and our relationship. I don't know what you think of it anymore (and I respected your choice to end it), but I think it's deeply saddening to see that we are all of sudden these weird (at least I feel so) strangers, with everything behind us as if we are both okay with it (as I said, I don't know where you are at now -- perhaps you've actually moved on...). I think regardless of whether we are feeling differently or similarly in this situation, it'd be nice to talk about it in some way......And anything that you would like to talk about, I want to hear it...

But, I want to leave you the choice of whether to have this conversation or not...perhaps all of this is no longer important...

Now I'm conflicted again. Maybe I should just talk to her? I still miss her and am still sad, even if I don't want to be back in the relationship. And the relationship did mean a lot to me. On the other hand, what would the purpose be? If we're going to be friends down the road, then it's probably best to just not meet and move on.

Thoughts?

She wants to reconcile. If you don't then just give her stuff back and stop communicating. That would just be stringing her along and it serves you no purpose..

she said:

I have a variety of thoughts on my mind, but the most important things, perhaps, are that I want to apologize to you for a lot of immaturity in the past, as well as to tell you that I respect and appreciate you and our relationship. I don't know what you think of it anymore (and I respected your choice to end it), but I think it's deeply saddening to see that we are all of sudden these weird (at least I feel so) strangers, with everything behind us as if we are both okay with it (as I said, I don't know where you are at now -- perhaps you've actually moved on...). I think regardless of whether we are feeling differently or similarly in this situation, it'd be nice to talk about it in some way......And anything that you would like to talk about, I want to hear it...

But, I want to leave you the choice of whether to have this conversation or not...perhaps all of this is no longer important..

Perhaps she wants you to look at her one more time. She thinks if you look at her you will change your mind.

Perhaps, like another poster here, she has bought a nice new dress and plans to get dolled up so you can "see what you're missing out on".

But a nice new dress and getting dolled up does not erase whatever motivated you two to break up.

Please, please do not take advantage of her emotional state by having sex with her. I guarantee to her, the sex will "MEAN" something!

Don't do it. Give her her stuff and be done with it -- stay strong!

Ok but here's the thing. I initiated the breakup because of the immaturity she is referring to. Especially toward the end of our relationship, I brought it up again and again and, again and again, she didn't really take it seriously. So I broke it off.

But besides that, we were extremely compatible. I've never been so intellectually and physically compatible with someone. I can't ever imagine being unattracted to her. We could just talk for hours and still be interested, even after five years. We worked on professional projects together. I always thought about her when we weren't together. (Not all of these things have been true in previous relationships). It was with great reluctance that I initiated the breakup--but she just could not find a constructive way to control her emotions and it got overwhelming (it was never anything psychotic).

I guess the question is: is she really missing me because she is ready to have a serious, mutual relationship, where we truly work together, or is it just the fact that I'm not there anymore that's leading her to desire reconciliation?

Another piece of the puzzle is that when we first got together, she was in her early 20s and I my early 30s. But now I am in my late 30s and she is in her late 20s. A lot of growing up can happen in your 20s. She has also impressed me by getting her together and getting into a really good law school, another sign of maturity.

I want to be clear that I am hurting as anyone would in a breakup, but I have been through catastrophic breakups already, so it's not the end of the world for me. If it doesn't work out with her, I would take some time to myself, and work towards another relationship in time.

I am seriously trying to consider this honestly. And when I ask myself if I would want to be with her minus the immaturity the answer is a resounding "yes."

I would never meet with her for the sex at this point; so if I decide to meet with her, it will be due an openness to reconciliation.

What is the harm in talking to her? I mean, I can just lay our to her what I want, and if she's not ok with it in any way, then that's the end of everything. And I truly have no problem walking away at that point. It will of course be painful, but I will get over it eventually and find someone else.

How long have you been broken up? Because people don't change overnight and you might just be jumping right back into the same problems.

If you give her any hope for reconciliation and then you decide against it, you will only cause a lot more pain and heartache to her and to yourself.

I think you really ought to consider opening that door again, even if it's only a tiny bit. No point in stringing each other along or hoping for something that just isn't going to be.