Does he really not feel it or is he emotionally unavailable?

I knew a man socially through a recreational team that we were both part of. However, over the course of a bit over a year, with both of us playing intermittently, and without much chance to speak one on one, we never got to know eachother extremely well. On social media, however, he was very friendly to me. Liking almost all my posts and selfies, commenting on lots of stuff, congratulating me on achievements. I tried to ask him for a drink once, and he said yes but then sort of brushed me off. I then saw him get into a serious very long distance relationship, and chalked it up to him being unavailable. A year later, after him and distance partner broke things off, he was back to showing interest. We continued to banter and I felt that thete were signs of attraction. He would always call me by my name, be super nice, compliment me. He also decided to show up to another club I was a part of, one day, and also suggested meeting later in the day (I was seeing someone at the time... I did meet to say hi, as I was headed to the same spot as him, but was with the guy I was seeing). Another couple months pass, and we get into a silly conversation that results in him asking me to go for food. I said yes, and it was hard to pin down a time, but we did go out. I wondered why he somewhat backpeddled.

Anyways; We went out, and before the date he already referenced “next time”. He also paid for my meal, said “you get the next”, and again referenced the next time when we said goodbye. We then texted fairly heavily for a week, with him writing extensivrly and asking me questions about my day/week. I got the sense of attraction both in person and by text. He would mimic my lingo/words, stress how similar he was to me, use the same style of language etc when texting me. Although there were sometimes gaps in our texts, he texted me at 7 am morning in a row. I very much fell for him after our short date. I don’t know why, but it just struck me.

However, put off scheduling a second date. It was Christmas time and he is a single dad, so I excused it/believed him when he said he was busy. Even when saying he was busy thiugh, he would ask me questions/not cut off texting. In the new year, I called him out. He basically said that although he thinks I am interesting and intelligent, and we have tons in common, he isn’t sure if a “spark” is there.

Why did he repeatedly bring up going out again if he had no intention to see me again? After knowing me for more than a year, didn’t he have some idea about whether he had a crush on me? We had hung out socially a few times, even if not a ton - although I only really “fell” for him after our date, I had definitely developed a crush prior to that (that’s why I asked him to hang out initially). How could I be so mistaken about his signs of attraction? Is he kust good at getting on people’s wavelength? Is it possible that he is actually avoiding getting to know ke better/exploring whether there COULD be a spark, because he isn’t ready to commit to anyone in general?

I get that this is wishful thinking, but I don’t know how I could he so mistaken about the attraction being mutual.

Thoughts? Is he just reckless with his words/intentions?

 

Why did he repeatedly bring up going out again if he had no intention to see me again?

 

It seemed like from day one his interest was minimal. Eventually he decided to test the waters. After getting to know you better, he felt you two weren't a good match.

Dating is simple when we divorce ourselves from our emotions and look at it subjectively. Nothing you said sounds odd or peculiar. Just two people checking each other out, and one decides it's not for them. Shrug it off, next.

Yes. For your benefit I’d avoid the emotionally unavailable label. Many people change their mind after a date even one that goes really well. You chose to react to your excitement by getting attached -I’d work on developing a thicker skin and accepting that some people just won’t click with you that way and it’s nothing personal even though it can feel that way. One thing that helped me - realistically if there’s no time and place plan for a next date there is no next date. That can change in the future. So the enthusiasm he expressed was mostly irrelevant to whether there would be another date. It’s only real once there’s a time and place plan.

Yes. For your benefit I’d avoid the emotionally unavailable label. Many people change their mind after a date even one that goes really well. You chose to react to your excitement by getting attached -I’d work on developing a thicker skin and accepting that some people just won’t click with you that way and it’s nothing personal even though it can feel that way. One thing that helped me - realistically if there’s no time and place plan for a next date there is no next date. That can change in the future. So the enthusiasm he expressed was mostly irrelevant to whether there would be another date. It’s only real once there’s a time and place plan.

I get all this - it is just hard to stomach when you see all of these signs of attraction/genuinely believe that the other person is interested. It's not often that I think that, or assume that. And, I hear what you're saying about a concrete date plan. I just wish people wouldn't state their ibtentions if they don't actually know their intentions. I would never repeatedly tell someone I want to see them again if I wasn't sure, but that's just me. I guess I find a lot of peoples dating behaviours less than ideal these days. No one can be direct, and no one seems to care about being misleading.

I get all this - it is just hard to stomach when you see all of these signs of attraction/genuinely believe that the other person is interested. It's not often that I think that, or assume that. And, I hear what you're saying about a concrete date plan. I just wish people wouldn't state their ibtentions if they don't actually know their intentions. I would never repeatedly tell someone I want to see them again if I wasn't sure, but that's just me. I guess I find a lot of peoples dating behaviours less than ideal these days. No one can be direct, and no one seems to care about being misleading.

He is stating his intentions - he is not asking you out on a date -he's just referring to potential plans in the future -maybe at that moment he was interested or interested enough to keep his options open. It's not about "these days" - so, my suggestion is that words that don't involve time and place are just nice, flattering, positive words not yet backed up by actions (making an actual plan and keeping the plan). People feel things at the moment and express interest. Later, they change their mind. When I was dating -I dated hundreds of men over many years - I didn't need anyone to say anything - if there wasn't a plan for a date there was no date. If I didn't hear from someone after a few dates then silence meant lack of interest. I didn't allow myself to be misled.

I think misleading is asking someone out for a date knowing you're not going to keep the date. Or saying that you want an exclusive relationship with that person when you're actually not sure and just testing the waters. For example.

Anyways; We went out, and before the date he already referenced “next time”. He also paid for my meal, said “you get the next”, and again referenced the next time when we said goodbye. We then texted fairly heavily for a week, with him writing extensivrly and asking me questions about my day/week. I got the sense of attraction both in person and by text. He would mimic my lingo/words, stress how similar he was to me, use the same style of language etc when texting me. Although there were sometimes gaps in our texts, he texted me at 7 am morning in a row. I very much fell for him after our short date. I don’t know why, but it just struck me.

 

You know what, I agree with you this ^^ was misleading.

I don't know why people (not just men) say and do these types of things without knowing if they want to date you again.

It's fine to not be sure, but then don't be texting every day let alone at 7:00 am and suggesting things to do on future dates, etc that's just wrong and yes very misleading imo.

I would think any man with two brain cells to rub together would know this.

I'm sorry you were disappointed, I don't really have advice except if it happens again, and it probably will, just brush yourself off and try to not let it get you down.

To add to last post, if you encounter this again, don't waste time texting with men if they don't ask you out again (with a plan) within a week or two tops.

As far as future date talk, in one ear and out the other.

There are a lot of wishy-washy and flaky people out there. Many are just flirting, some don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with too much "directness", some are just hard to read, some are playing the field, etc. The best thing to do is watch actions such as going out on real dates.

I guess I find a lot of peoples dating behaviours less than ideal these days.

You know what, I agree with you this ^^ was misleading.

 

I don't know why people (not just men) say and do these types of things without knowing if they want to date you again.

 

It's fine to not be sure, but then don't be texting every day let alone at 7:00 am and suggesting things to do on future dates, etc that's just wrong and yes very misleading imo.

 

I would think any man with two brain cells to rub together would know this.

 

I'm sorry you were disappointed, I don't really have advice except if it happens again, and it probably will, just brush yourself off and try to not let it get you down.

I disagree -he may have felt that way at the moment and he never made a specific plan so it's on her- if the guy is not making a specific plan either make it specific or tell him "that's so nice of you to say - let me know when you want to make a plan". And then respond with "I really enjoy texting with you and I'm quite busy so when you want to make a plan, let me know -look forward to getting to know you better"

I think when both people are adults they should know to watch the feet not the lips and they can choose whether to continue listening to sweet words that are not backed up with actions -some people enjoy the sweet words and it's also safer that way -you can flirt and never have to act on it.

I disagree -he may have felt that way at the moment and he never made a specific plan so it's on her- if the guy is not making a specific plan either make it specific or tell him "that's so nice of you to say - let me know when you want to make a plan". And then respond with "I really enjoy texting with you and I'm quite busy so when you want to make a plan, let me know -look forward to getting to know you better"

I think when both people are adults they should know to watch the feet not the lips and they can choose whether to continue listening to sweet words that are not backed up with actions -some people enjoy the sweet words and it's also safer that way -you can flirt and never have to act on it.

Yes I know you disagree Bat. I read your last post :).

I get someone feeling it at the time, like on a first meet, or date, suggesting another date but then changing their mind when they get home later. Happens all the time and is not misleading.

But someone does not feel it "in the moment" every single day for an entire week, let alone at 7:00 am, they are making a conscious choice to text, not knowing if they even want to see the person again. I think that's misleading the person.

Same for continuing to suggest future dates, not knowing if they even want a future date.

I'm not quite sure how that is not misleading, but respect your opinion and agree to disagree on that.

I do agree with "watch feet, not lips" hence my post (no. 7) following the post you quoted.

But that still does not mean the other's person's actions were not misleading. Perhaps not intentional but misleading nevertheless.

I can tell you I am a pretty savvy dater and if a man texted me every day for a week after our first date and continued to suggest future dates, I would presume he was interested too!

But I try to always follow what I said in my post no. 7 to avoid getting disappointed.

Just my opinion, Bat, again agree to disagree.

One thing is you talk a lot about what HE was doing (texting daily) but not a lot about what YOU were doing. After you expressed interest the first time and you felt he brushed you off (despite being very involved with your social media), I can understand being a little reluctant to express a greater interest. It's a little self-preservation. Then you watched him get involved with someone else. You're actually not sure if he's involved with anyone right now. Going a full year in a LD relationship seems a little telling of the amount of time he's willing to put in to a relationship...like he likes having something on the side when he decides he has the time.

Next, you said you met him with your new BF in tow, which I'm assuming he knew about before you met. If you showed up with this guy in tow without this friend's knowledge that you were otherwise engaged, that is a different story.

What you do not express in your post is when your relationship seems to have ramped up again, whether you were still seeing this guy or any guy at all. Do you know if he's single? Does he know if you're single?

It's not unusual to get caught up in the moment and think grandiose plans but then realize you don't have the time and it turns out to be harder to meet than you intended...he has to deal with his child's schedule, his own schedule, and yours...so it can be tough to organize a time...and if he needs to have some down-time when he's not on "daddy duty" and he doesn't have to be nice to people at work and customers/clients, and he doesn't want to be "polite and on-game" with dating....he wants to watch his show, play his game, relax in his underwear...whatever it is; catch up on laundry, veg...dating might not be as easy as he wants.

Crushes are crazy things...because there is a lot of fantasy. When the real-deal presents itself, it might turn out to be not the best idea. I don't know where to go with "not sure" about "sparks," and you can go out a couple times and see, but part of me is wondering if you've been a little too protective in your actions and demeanor after him having brushed you off in the past, and pursued another relationship, so you're not being very clear your own interest or intention with him.

You're sort of waiting on him to make all the moves without really making any moves yourself? You're keeping your feelings close to the vest, make him pursue? I don't know if you're doing this, but you don't express your actions, only his, in this post. Do you ever text first? Do you express your desire to see him, or do you wait on him to do all the work?

But on that, he pursued a long-distance relationship. Why long-distance when a physical relationship is within a 30-minute radius?

What is the distance between you two? Is it more than a 30-minute drive?

Is this a pattern? Long-distance=lots of texts and sweet-nothings with no pressure to meet and pursue something real and tangible?

Your choice is to determine if this can go anywhere and if his busy lifestyle is something you can work around. You're also looking at a stepmother role if take this on long-term. If this relationship isn't working for you, then end it. If he's pretty unavailable a majority of the time, pursue other dates, and end it with this guy if he can't produce the relationship you want. The big question is how long to wait it out. The holidays are over. Outside of this sequestering around the child, there should be more time, and this has the potential to change when introductions can be made with the child (and this introduction could be months away). Unless this is an insanely busy time at work (it is for me, this time of year), there should be more time now.

How long do you wait? I don't know.

OP, I suppose it is possible he did feel it after your date, and had every intention of seeing you again, but after engaging with you further, changed his mind and realized you were not a good fit.

Depending on the context of your texts, we can discover quite a bit about a person via text or email.

Whether it was something you said/did or didn't say/do, or he met someone else he liked better , who knows.

But it's pretty common to be interested, then not, so that's possible too, and is not misleading.

Bottom line, take all this with a pinch of salt and try to not let it get you down.

Dating can be brutal!

I would make no presumptions at all that he is interested in dating you unless he suggests a time and place plan for a date or accepts your offer for a date.

That^ is really good advice Bat, unfortunately easier said than done sometimes for some folks (i.e. the OP) especially when a man is giving us lots of attention and we really like him..

For me, I can usually sense when a man is interested via his energy, our energy, but I realize not all people are able to do this, and that it sounds hokey, but seriously, it' almost never let me down.

Almost. :)

But I hear ya for sure, hence my post no. 7.

That^ is really good advice Bat, unfortunately easier said than done sometimes for some folks (the OP) especially when a man is giving us lots of attention and we really like him..

 

For me, I can usually sense when a man is interested via his energy, our energy, but I realize not all people are able to do this, and that it sounds hokey, but seriously, it' almost never let me down.

 

Almost. :)

 

But I hear ya for sure, hence my post no. 7.

All of dating is easier said than done -or most of it! All depends whether for the person the effort is worth it - the effort to act in a head/heart way and develop a thick skin for the benefits that come from that. Not everyone balances it that way -they would prefer to choose to get attached, to choose to react with intense feelings of disappointment and rejection over someone they just met - why? I wouldn't know -in some ways because it is safer (justification not to move on), and it's easier than practicing restraint for long term gratification (and no guarantees with the long term). Especially when we like the person. I also could sense when a man was interested in me and am very in tune with peoples' energy including that kind of energy -it's not hokey at all, know many people like that I am talking about interest in dating which can be very different. Many people might be interested/attracted but not interested in or available to date. Or not willing to put in the effort to date, or willing to put in effort to spend time based on the interest but not willing to shift priorities in a way that works for the other person. And all this despite the energy indicating strong interest, chemistry and attraction.

Thanks PurplePaisley - lots of good ideas here. I won’t address all of them here, but they are good to consider. I certainly had the same thoughts about the LD relationship. I did not tell him I was dating someone when he suggested saying hi later in the day, but he knew I would at least be with a “friend” (long story...). It was a very informal thing.

All in all - I am not sure I can be sure of anything. I just have to move on I guess. Whether He simply acted more interested than he actually was, or whether he just isn’t ready to date, or maybe isnt over the ex... I can’t change things. He shut it down, so that’s that. I certainly did text back, and made known my desire to see him again. It may be that he is someone who needs to be certain of my degree of interest to feel a spark, but I am pretty sure I made it known at least to some degree. I engaged with him on social media, I texted him in equal fashion... but I admit that I was probably feeling “guarded” and maybe insecure about having been brushed off in the pat, and maybe that did nothing to help ignite a flame either.

Thanks - I am glad someone sees it that way! I know I shouldn’t “expect more” than this kind of behaviour these days, but I hold myself tk a higher standard when I am not interested in a man. If I acted this way, I would either go on the second date, or I would feel responsible to explain my intentions, not just brush the person off. You’re right - can’t do much more than move on/grow a thicker skin.

Thanks - I am glad someone sees it that way! I know I shouldn’t “expect more” than this kind of behaviour these days, but I hold myself tk a higher standard when I am not interested in a man. If I acted this way, I would either go on the second date, or I would feel responsible to explain my intentions, not just brush the person off. You’re right - can’t do much more than move on/grow a thicker skin.

I expressed my intentions after a first date through silence as it was expressed to me - worked great because I didn't need the typical "you're AMAZING but I'm not ready to date right now/I am not "feeling it"/I am not good enough for you" blah blah blah (and often when I explained in as diplomatic a way possible the guy wouldn't move on and/or harassed me). I don't think it's higher to shower someone you barely know with compliments.

I also agree with this later on in dating meaning do not choose to let yourself be led on by someone who expresses interest in future plans without making a plan. Not because the person isn’t sincere but because it’s not actual interest in seeing you at an particular time - it’s vague interest in seeing you again in the future which may or may not happen. It takes actions - time and effort - to make an actual plan and it’s easy to say nice things about what might happen in the future. Sometimes actual plans are easy especially if you’re both going to be in the same location anyway but often they’re not. I find this happening again and again with making new friends in the city I relocated to after 43 years in my home city. Lots of gushy texts and far less follow through. I follow through if I express real interest (meaning “if I’m ever out in the suburbs I’ll let you know “ is not concrete but If I write “I’m free weekday mornings next week” I mean the person should let me know which day works. That’s me and I know the frustration of hearing something more concrete like that without actual follow through. And I still won’t let myself be too annoyed when silence or really lame excuses follow.

Certainly if you make a plan you keep it - but if you are interested in seeing the person again and express that generally and then change your mind after the date -maybe something that happened later on, etc - I think silence is fine. There were two occasions where I was asked to explain why I wasn't responding. I did - in one case I made a list (what he wanted) of the rude behavior and in the other I explained the negative energy I felt intensely behind the polite/gentlemanly stuff. In the first case he responded back a year or so later -that he'd changed a lot based on what I wrote (but he apparently didn't want to see me again!) and thanked me. In the second case he wrote back and explained that he now realized what happened -he was negative because he was deeply unhappy about his job -I hadn't known that. I showed interest in seeing him again, he didn't. That was over 20 years ago. We're now in our 50s, he is handsome, smart, successful and single (always had been despite saying he wanted to marry) and he added me as a Facebook friend a few weeks ago lol.

Just some fun anecdotes. I'm sorry he expressed interest and didn't follow through. Been there!!

All of dating is easier said than done -or most of it! All depends whether for the person the effort is worth it - the effort to act in a head/heart way and develop a thick skin for the benefits that come from that. Not everyone balances it that way -they would prefer to choose to get attached, to choose to react with intense feelings of disappointment and rejection over someone they just met - why? I wouldn't know -in some ways because it is safer (justification not to move on), and it's easier than practicing restraint for long term gratification (and no guarantees with the long term). Especially when we like the person. I also could sense when a man was interested in me and am very in tune with peoples' energy including that kind of energy -it's not hokey at all, know many people like that I am talking about interest in dating which can be very different. Many people might be interested/attracted but not interested in or available to date. Or not willing to put in the effort to date, or willing to put in effort to spend time based on the interest but not willing to shift priorities in a way that works for the other person. And all this despite the energy indicating strong interest, chemistry and attraction.

Appreciate the insight. Just wanted to stress, though, that this is someone I have known over a year (even if not well/not a good friend), have engaged with socially on many occasions , and who interacts with me at least weekly on social media. Not someone I “just met”.

And, I agree. There are many reasons why someone may not want to date. Or why they may not feel a “spark” despite what seems to be a good rapport/interest. i think perhaps I am trying to hard to figure out exactly what happened here, but I have to accept that I will probably never know.

Appreciate the insight. Just wanted to stress, though, that this is someone I have known over a year (even if not well/not a good friend), have engaged with socially on many occasions , and who interacts with me at least weekly on social media. Not someone I “just met”.

I understand and I agree that if you are friends like that/interact yes there may be more room for misunderstanding (I think people should be just as thoughtful with strangers as with anyone else so it's not about that) - I get that then there are more gray areas based on the history.

And, I agree. There are many reasons why someone may not want to date. Or why they may not feel a “spark” despite what seems to be a good rapport/interest. i think perhaps I am trying to hard to figure out exactly what happened here, but I have to accept that I will probably never know.

I totally understand the urge to try to figure out what happened in these situations.

For whatever its worth—this coming from someone with a very thick skin—I always remind myself that the person I want to be with, whoever she is, will not require this level of decoding.

So rather than go into a knot trying untangle what happened, which just amps up the "mystery" of another, remind yourself of what you do know, what is not mysterious: dude didn't get you, not like you get you—his loss.