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Thread: Keep having the same fight for 2 years...

  1. #1
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    Keep having the same fight for 2 years...

    My boyfriend is usually nice but has a temper sometimes. He’ll get pissy and start finding fault in everything I do, after weeks or months of everything being chill.

    I always be like “Hey, can you not?” but then he gets defensive and tries to justify what he did or explain to me why and I’m just like “I really don’t care why, you don’t treat people like that, especially not your boyfriend.”

    We argue over the little details that don’t matter, like yesterday for example.

    Him: “If you were gonna do the laundry you should have gotten the stuff from my room. That’s what I really needed washed. Next time ask me when you’re doing laundry.”

    Me: “I told you I was doing laundry when you called me on your break.”

    Him: “But I thought you were only doing yours.”

    Me: “I specifically mentioned doing yours as well. If you had stuff in your room, you could’ve told me.”

    Plus he was mad because I washed some cloths that were laying around that he had already washed, and I’m like so what? It’s not like adding them to the load cost us any extra.

    He said if I hadn’t added the cloths there would have been room for the stuff in his bedroom, which makes no sense because again he didn’t tell me about the stuff in his bedroom so I wouldn’t have known to make room for it anyway, and besides it was only a few cloths and small towels that didn’t take up much room anyway.

    Similarly, one time we went to McDonald’s and I got an extra McCafe Smoothie with a coupon from the app. I had asked him if he wanted anything before we ordered, and he said he was fine just eating some soup when we got home.

    We got home, I ate my food and finished the two smoothies, and he got himself a soup and some soda. Awhile after, when he finally finished eating (I inhale my food, he eats a bit slower) he gets up, and angrily asks “Where’s my smoothie?!” and I’m like “Umm, did you want the other one? Why didn’t you say so? I already finished it.”

    And damned if he doesn’t get all bent out of shape. “I can’t believe you, you’re so selfish! I’m going to start doing that to you now! Leave me alone! Go somewhere else!”

    And of course I wasn’t going to scurry away to the bedroom like some chastised dog, so I said “If you wanted it why didn’t you say something?!”

    And he’s like “I shouldn’t have to! You should have asked!”

    And I’m like “I asked you if you wanted anything! You said you were fine with soup!”

    - and on it goes, and he never gets it. He’ll keep spouting points I already reasonably countered and rendered invalid and irrelevant, until eventually I start asking him to just apologize for being rude and admit he was wrong so we can kiss and make up and go on with our day. It’s at this point he’ll start giving me the silent treatment, which he knows I find irritating and rude.

    Then he’ll go about his routine, acting like I’m some sort of ghost he can neither see nor hear, until eventually he’ll go to bed or to nap before work. At which point he’ll go from ignoring me to demanding I leave “his” room and let him sleep. We sleep in the same room, normally.

    If I continue the discussion at this point, he’ll become physically aggressive and try to provoke me into shoving him by chest bumping and getting in my face with an annoying grin.

    He drives me up the wall with his nonsense and abuse, then ignores me, then leaves me to fester while he sleeps, which in turn affects my sleep schedule. Which he doesn’t care about, because I’m not the breadwinner. He thinks his sleep matters more, because “you can sleep whenever”. Sleep is essential to one’s overall health. Staying up late because I’m stressed/hurt/angry is not healthy for me.

    As should be obvious, this fight could start over literally anything, but it always follows the same patterns.

    He gets mad over something, I get mad back because what he’s mad about isn’t fair and because he’s being mean to me over nothing, an argument would ensue over the meaningless details, and he’d start spouting nonsense and then provoke me by ignoring me after working me into a tizzy.

    He’ll justify it by saying things like “I was ignoring you because you kept repeating yourself” (I only repeated myself when he would miss a point, or after he had started tuning me out!)

    or “You kept finding fault with everything I said so there’s no point in saying anything” (Because you’re wrong, and the only thing I actually want to hear is “You’re right, I’m sorry”!)

    or “You talk forever and I don’t have time to listen to you for hours” (Maybe if you argued less and stopped making me repeat myself things wouldn’t drag on that long!)

    Sometimes after an hour or half an hour of being disrespected, I’ll raise my voice or call him a jerk. Then he’ll start acting like he’s the one who was being mistreated.

    He’ll say I’m acting crazy, try to invalidate my emotions by saying it’s because of my bipolar or PTSD. I’ve never been officially diagnosed with PTSD, that’s just something he himself believes I have, and even if he’s right it’s got nothing to do with my being pissed at him for being rude to me.

    He always tells me after our fights that it’s my fault because of how I reacted. He tells me I should’ve just let it slide, because he never stays angry for long (unless I confront him) and that if I had just given him time and space he would’ve eventually apologized. He says that he “can’t” apologize when I’m “like that”.

    Me: “So you just want me to be a doormat?”

    Him: “That’s not what I’m saying.”

    Me: “It’s literally what you’re communicating to me right now, just in different words.”


    But hey, I’ve tried doing exactly this anyway. Biting my tongue, momentarily letting it go, giving him time to cool down and reflect on his actions instead of immediately jumping down his throat about it.

    He’ll call me stupid and annoying or something because I’ll do something he does all the time (like forgetting my keys, or accidentally spilling something, or not hearing him the first time) and I’d just take a deep breath and wait for him to apologize . A couple hours. A day.

    And then he’d do it again the day after the next. And I’d let him know, like “Hey, I’m mad at you but I’m trying really hard not to react. Please stop doing that, and make sure you apologize later once you’ve calmed down.”

    Months go by. I get called stupid, annoying, I get yelled at, cussed at, insulted, have him telling me everything I do is wrong.

    I try to politely get him to stop without being retaliatory, and it goes like so.

    Me: “Stop calling me stupid please. You know it upsets me.”

    Him: “Then stop being stupid and I won’t call you stupid!”

    At one point he tried to replace stupid with “Not smart”, and I was just like...no. Don’t call me that either. At which point he just went back to calling me stupid.

    Until inevitably I snapped. I yelled, I screamed, I cussed, I told him over and over again “I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!”

    And then we broke up. And got back together. And he promised to do better. And I promised to try to be more patient with him. And then it all happens again. For 2 years now this cycle has been repeated, several times.

    This has taken it’s toll, and my retaliation has entered really unhealthy territory.

    Police have been called once because I blasted music when he tried to go to bed after starting a fight with me. Neighbors called and made a noise complaint. I forgot how thin the walls were.

    He once locked me out of the apartment for an hour, so the next time he went out I did the same to him. Being the king of double standards, he called the police.

    On at least two different occasions our fights have escalated into full on physical altercations. He attacked first, obviously. I don’t ever lay my hands on anyone otherwise. And yeah. The police were called then too.

    A couple months ago he pissed me off so badly I yelled at him over the phone in public for several minutes, must’ve looked like a total loon. Some poor lady was in front of me while I was entering the 7-11 and she looked scared. I had to hang up.

    I’m telling you this just so you know I’m not denying that I’ve done some crazy stuff in the past, but all of it was done after being driven over the edge by him or after having him do the same stuff to me first.

    Juvenile, petty, unhealthy, sure. But I can’t really fully bring myself to regret doing it.

    On at least 2 separate occasions, when we were broken up, I came close to moving out. Each time it was him that dissuaded me. Told me to give us another chance.

    I backed out of plans with roommates last minute. While they were polite about it, it was clear I had burned bridges, which is a big deal because finding roommates and affordable housing when you’re disabled is a monumental task and opportunities to move out are few and far between.

    Despite all of this, I still love and care about him. We make each other happy normally, but then he has these outbursts and everything goes to seed overnight.

    Clearly neither one of us wants to give up on the other, to our shared detriment, but how do you make a mess like this work?

    I tried submitting this once, but for some reason it didn’t go through. I don’t know if this is a forum glitch or what, but if it just takes time to go through and this thread shows up twice, please forgive me. Honest mistake.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member melancholy123's Avatar
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    You put up with this, why?

  3. #3
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    It leaves me gobsmacked that you're living in such a toxic and dysfunctional relationship, have broken up a couple of times, and then keep going back for more. WHY? What exactly do you get out of this abuse? You two are incompatible and toxic for each other. The sooner you make a clean break of it all, the better. Then stay single for at least a year to get your head straight and in a mentally healthier place before getting into another relationship. Learn from this mess.

    The definition of insanity is: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    I couldn't read the entire thing. I just couldn't.
    You two are not married or obligated to each other in any way.
    So being together is merely a simple choice.
    Why do people in their right mind choose to live this way when they don't have to?

    I know you say you love him, but sometimes love is not enough and it's ok to acknowledge that you can love someone and at the same time recognize that you bring out the worst in each other.
    This simply put, makes you two incompatible.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    You are in a physically and emotionally abusive relationship and you know this. You can't make it work, you can only get out, get far far away from him and move on to a better life.

    That means that you have to deal with your own fears and the excuses that are keeping you stuck and take concrete action to get away from this abuser. You can't change, fix, or love an abuser into being a sane and loving boyfriend. You can only leave while you are still in one piece and before one of you ends up in jail for many years. Abusers can often incite their victim into reacting/fighting. They actually get off on that. It's a quick road to insanity for you and yes, you can develop PTSD being involved with an abuser.

  7. #6
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    Here is a general rule of thumb to live by:

    If you are in a relationship, and the police are called due to an argument you are having between you, it’s time to leave the relationship. Healthy relationships don’t involve the police and it usually only gets worse from here.

    Honestly? You guys sound like oil and water. While some of the stuff you mentioned sounds abusive... well... there’s other parts where you sound like the instigator as well.

    If we’re keeping track
    - the laundry is his fault, you can’t read his mind
    - really? You drank 2 smoothies? Who does that? Lol! I would also assume if you had a 2-for-1 coupon that one of those smoothies was for me and “I don’t want anything” would likely mean “I don’t want anything beyond that smoothie you are ordering me”
    - the music? Common. That was childish.
    - he should not be calling you names

    You both play into each other. Oil and water.

    I know relationships like this can be passionate - but they can also land you in jail (or worse).

    Time to call this one quits and build a healthier dynamic with someone new.

  8. #7
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    A lot of it comes back to me being disabled, and not really having anywhere to go or being able to support myself financially.

    I was actually homeless when we got together.

    So I end up staying with him while I look for a new place, and in the months it takes me to find one we end up getting back together again.

    It’s really hard to make a clean break when it takes months or nearly a whole year to even move out.

    If I could be gone overnight, and afford a hotel or had friends or family to stay with in the meantime...but I don’t, and I can’t.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by cgregsweeney
    A lot of it comes back to me being disabled, and not really having anywhere to go or being able to support myself financially.

    I was actually homeless when we got together.

    So I end up staying with him while I look for a new place, and in the months it takes me to find one we end up getting back together again.

    It’s really hard to make a clean break when it takes months or nearly a whole year to even move out.

    If I could be gone overnight, and afford a hotel or had friends or family to stay with in the meantime...but I don’t, and I can’t.
    And this is where you need to start owning your part in this mess. Yes it's hard, but you do find and then opt to stick around for more abuse because you just happen to be on the good side of the abuse cycle or he knows or sense you might leave, so he butters up to you a bit so you don't. Abusers generally don't want their victims to get away from them. It's hard to find another one.

    If you are disabled, apply for disability. Yes, a long and tedious process but if you don't get on it, you'll never be better. Go to goodwill and other charities about getting job skills and job placement. I know for a fact Goodwill has job training programs and very good job placement programs for people precisely in your situation. They even set up counseling for victims of abuse. Start taking active steps to help yourself no matter how helpless you feel. Depending on others will keep landing in you in a bad place in life and subject to abuse.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    You mentioned you were looking for a new place and though you have a disability you mentioned it taking months to get out? Based on these words, it's challenging, but not impossible?

    You then swing to saying you can't be gone overnight. No, that's difficult for most, but if you had the time and will, could you do it? Even with a disability?

  11. #10
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    Does your disability prevent you from doing any work? What is the disability?

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