Relationship Limbo - he won’t tell me he wants to break up for good

My BF of 9 months broke up with me during a heated argument in October, saying it was a culmination of how our fights escalated. We both did some things wrong but i accept fault for how bad this last one got. I apologized, asked him to reconsider and give us a chance, that I know what I need to do to improve. I didn’t beg, but we talked two weeks later and he was still mad and said he did not know if he wanted to try again. I asked if he just wanted to end things for good and I would walk away but he said no, but that he couldn’t give me a timeline.

I left him alone but reached out again two weeks later. We ended up talking in person and the status was still the same, that he wasn’t sure as he said he didn’t want to throw what we had away but also hesitated as he did not want to go through the same thing again. We ended up spending the night together like old times but our status was still the same.

He reached out a few times after that just to ask how things were, so I was hopeful that he was at least considering.

Two weeks pass with no contact between us and I ended up reaching out one last time. Told him I didn’t know what to tell my inquiring friends anymore - he said he’s been telling people we’re on a break and that he really didn’t want to be with me right now. He kept saying the same, that he couldn’t give a timeline and needed time and space. I kept asking him if he wanted to just end things for good and he kept saying he didn’t know yet.

So that was the last time we talked. I texted a few days after that to wish him luck on his finals (he is in grad school) and happy holidays. That was November 29.

We haven’t had any contact whatsoever (texts, calls, social media, etc.) since then. Going on almost 7 weeks. I just decided to go no contact as there is nothing else I could do, I didn’t want to push him and i want him to reach out because he wants to. at this point I’m just respecting his wishes.

We both are pretty private and never really posted lovey couple-y type of things on social media, so we’re still friends on Facebook and we do have pictures of us together that are still tagged.

He’s always had his relationship status as “single“ the whole time we were together, and it never bothered me because I never took much stock in that. But I noticed he changed his profile intro so that it‘s the only info that pops up on the front of his page. I know I shouldn’t read into it, but I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that he’s not passive aggressively sending messages instead of just contacting me to break up with me for good. We’re both in our 40’s (I’m 42 and he’s 45) and he’s never been the type to be childish or post personal things on social media.

i still have a lot of things at his place that I’d like back. I don’t know what to do any more - just leave it and continue no contact and assume I’m never going to hear from him again? I keep giving him the benefit of the doubt that he would at least reach out to say he decided he’s done for good and make arrangements for me to get my things.

I would’ve moved on already if he didn‘t leave it open at our last conversation. He knows the ball is in his court. We’re both very independent and stubborn, so I don’t know if either of us will ever reach out.

So, leave it and cut my losses and move on? Or be patient and assume he’s still needing his time and space?

I really miss him and want to work things out but I am also prepared to move on because i’d rather be out of this painful experience of my life.

i already had a fabulous and active life without him, so yes, I have been keeping up with my hobbies, physical activity, traveled extensively abroad, and maintained my social life. I’m also reading a lot on relationships and breakups and self improvement.

I am sorry to hear about your situation. Almost 3 months since the argument/break up is a bit too long. I understand he was mad but if he hasn't forgiven you after all this time then probably he is no longer interested. I suggest you contact him to arrange to pick up your things (not to "end things for good", but because you presumably need your stuff), and maybe this would give you opportunity to come face to face and perhaps see how you both feel about seeing each other in person again. I would have very low expectations. Let yourself see him one last time and if he doesn't say he changed his mind, just take your stuff and leave and start work on moving on from this relationship for good.

Seems like he did end things, but is too much of a coward to say it outright, so he is hoping that you'll just figure it out and go away. Kind of exactly what is happening. If you want your stuff back, then just contact him and ask for your things back and that's that. Otherwise, call it a day on this. If you were only together 9 months and having a lot of heated fights, then you were not compatible anyway so no big loss. Onward and upward and don't string yourself along anymore.

Are they important or valuable things? If so contact him in writing that you would like to arrange a mutually convenient time to get them. Do not talk about the relationship. Be cordial but have a detached demeanor. The argument, breakup and no contact for months is closure. Tie up loose ends and get your things, so you can move forward.

i still have a lot of things at his place that I’d like back. I don’t know what to do any more - just leave it and continue no contact and assume I’m never going to hear from him again?

That was a typical slow fade. He didn't have the courage to cut the ties from the start and both of you agreed that you'd be available and waiting if he ever changes his mind. But in the meantime you helped him get over you.

Even dumpers grieve and are often uncomfortable with clean breaks.

By you letting him know you were waiting he got the luxury of slowly weaning himself from you. There were no consequences for his decision.

I'd take a moment and be entirely honest with yourself about the things left behind.

They are often are not worth the heartache of having had to have contact with someone who discarded you to begin with.

I am sorry you are going through this. But stay on course and continue to move forward. Go treat yourself to new things and disregard the rest.

Never promise someone you will wait while they decide is they want to be with you or not. If this relationship was important to him to begin with, he wouldn't have risked losing you.

Thank you all for your advice. I know it’s only been 9 months, but it was one of the longest for both of us. We are two very independent people who were never really “relationship” people.

Yeah, I guess I’ll just live without the stuff and move on. I am just hurt that he can’t even reach out to give it a proper ending.

Thank you all for your advice. I know it’s only been 9 months, but it was one of the longest for both of us. We are two very independent people who were never really “relationship” people.

 

Yeah, I guess I’ll just live without the stuff and move on. I am just hurt that he can’t even reach out to give it a proper ending.

That's a really valid feeling to have. Just know that you are doing the right thing by accepting and letting go of waiting for your ex. Doesn't mean it won't suck, but you won't be creating any new pain for yourself by chasing after him.

If you're in the head space for it, it can really help to get mad. I don't mean calling him up and letting loose, but really acknowledging how hurtful what he did and how he did it was for you. You deserved a clean break and instead he dragged you through the mud. I hope you now have what you need to call the breakup "official" and to begin working on healing.