Why does my ex hate and resent me when she's the reason we broke up?

So it's been a while since I posted about my ex, and I've tried to stop talking about it and move on but I keep hearing things here and there and I felt like I needed some insight into the matter.

Essentially, my ex and I had a good relationship. Not perfect by any means, but I felt we shared something special. Everything was fine until she started developing feelings for a coworker over the summer. After alot of lying to herself and me, breaking up with me twice after begging me to take her back once, and constant manipulation on her end, she left me for good and got with him almost immediately. They're still together at this point and going stronger than ever.

Once we brokeup I felt so many things towards her but I always kept my cool and maintained no contact. But through the grapevine, I kept hearing things. I heard that she was telling all our old friends about how bad of a person I was. That I had been manipulative, had been flirty with other women while being with her, and was overall just not a good boyfriend in general. And the worst part being that she "hated" me.

Now It's always a case of he said she said, but I strongly beleieve that I was a great boyfriend, and I had always treated my ex with respect and understanding. And I didn't want to believe these things at first because I always thought my ex was such a sweet and geunine person, and we were also best friends before we dated. Im trying to understand why she hates me now and how she is treating someone she once cared about so badly. I can guess its because she needs to validate to herself the choices she made and she needs to hate me in order to justify happiness with hey new boyfriend, or that she was so insecure what other people would think of her she had to paint me as a villain so she wouldnt be seen in a negative light. Because, and I don't want to sound ignorant, but I really feel our relationship was great and the realtiy is she broke up with me for no reason except to be with someone else.

Despite all of this, I never tried to set the record straight or speak badly of my ex with anyone, despite how much I felt she deserved it, out of respect for the love we once shared.

So Im looking now to understand. Because this girl is not in line with the girl I remember and it confuses me. I've accepted the relationship is over but Im more dissapointed more than anything that my ex will remember me this way.

Why does my ex hate me? Will she always hate me? Is it worth trying to set the record straight with those old friends, as some have been avoiding me because I feel like my ex has convinced them of some of her lies, or should I just move on completely and find new friends?

Thanks in advance for any input

I think you just ignore all of it. Her drama queen antics will be recognized by the people worth your time. Others? Who cares!

Reach out to your friends and just maintain normal contacts. If your group of friends shifts a bit, that is the way of things.

She sounds immature.

She does not want to be seen as the bad guy.

Sorry for all this.

The hard truth is that it really doesn't matter, but to see it like that you have to let go. That, I know, takes time, and sometimes the process of letting go involves these analytical junctures. So I'll indulge you a bit...

Part of it, as you said, is likely to validate her choices. Part of it, perhaps, is that she is a bit angry with herself—angry to have become someone who leaves a relationship for someone else, since I'd imagine a dash of emotional infidelity was involved—and these feelings are her externalizing that internal anger. Off-loading, in effect, instead of processing. Blaming instead of taking responsibility. Easier to point at you as the bad buy than, you know, herself.

And then, of course, there is the other possibility: that she simply does not share your high view of yourself or your rosy view of the relationship—that in her eyes (at least right now) you were not so great, were flirty, were a little manipulative. That in her eyes (at least right now) the relationship was not so great either.

Odds are it's some combination of all that, among other factors.

But, back to my first point: it really, really doesn't matter. And I know how hard that is. I've been there. My ex cheated on me. I don't badmouth her, don't paint the relationship as trashcan fire to our mutual friends. That's not me, not how I roll. From what the grapevine tells me she continues to throw venom my way, over a year later. My reaction? Whatever. Like a big ol' genuine whatever. If she needs to make me a villain, she is free to do so. If she genuinely thinks I'm a monster, she can have that truth. And, hey, if I'm wrong and she thinks I'm decent or even great—well, also whatever. It's all kind of the same anyway.

She's my ex, my past, far from my life, no longer someone with much impact on my emotions. She can think and feel whatever she wants to think and feel, as can I. Those thoughts and feelings do not need to line up, at all, ever.

So I'd take this moment to really be the awesome person you know you are, rather than the awesome person you still want her to believe you are. That means accepting what's happening here, which is that you're still hungry for validation from her, hungry to share a story with her. And that's okay. That's life, in these moments. That's pain. But just recognize that, and accept it, rather than react to it.

In other words: no, don't go on a campaign to set the record straight. You set the record straight that by just being you, a decent person, trusting others will see you as decent because you trust their own inherent decency. The instinct to set the record straight is, really, an instinct to engage in drama you miss, to stir a pot, to convince your ex of thinking and feeling something that will make you feel better. Don't give her that power, through the proxy of friends. Find that power in yourself, and take refuge there.

I have learned to except and expect that two different people can have two entirely different experiences.

People experience things through their own filter which will always be different, to some degree than your own.

Honor your own experience and respect hers.

Don't get caught up in trying to defend yours. Life is just easier that way.

You true friends won't choose sides.

Sorry for all this.

 

The hard truth is that it really doesn't matter, but to see it like that you have to let go. That, I know, takes time, and sometimes the process of letting go involves these analytical junctures.

Thanks for your reply BlueCastle. You've replied on my threads before and always offer some good insight. When you put it that way, it really just put things into perspective. It really doesn't matter what she's thinking or doing and I only can really know, understand, and forgive myself. I still occasionally have these anylytical juntures but they're becoming far more few in between these days. I'll continue doing me and finding power in myself and Ill hopefully reach the point of indifference that you have reached soon enough.

Thanks again!

How else can she explain why she immediately got a new bf?

The re-write of history is common among people that try and divert attention away from their own dirty deeds.

Your true friends know you but don't be afraid of defending yourself from lies if need be, in fact your close friends should be defending you. Unfortunately people believe the loudest and most consistent voice these days, it doesn't matter if it is all BS or not.

You have a good character and she does not and no amount of lies will cover up what she is...

Stay on the high road

Lost

Eh, it likely has very little to do with you, and a lot more to do with her.

She is deflecting so people don't start wondering if she cheated on you with him. She needs to make noise about how crappy a boyfriend you were so nobody talks about that pink elephant she has in her room.

Eh, it likely has very little to do with you, and a lot more to do with her.

 

She is deflecting so people don't start wondering if she cheated on you with him. She needs to make noise about how crappy a boyfriend you were so nobody talks about that pink elephant she has in her room.

Youre right. I was thinking she was doing it for mostly that reason too. And I understand that, I just didn't think my ex was that kind of person. But I guess these tendencies were always there I just didnt want to see them at the time. Guess I just have to ignore it and hope like others have said, that my worthwhile friends won't pay too much mind to her stories.