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I feel broken beyond repair


cally71

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I initiated the break up of my 7 month relationship as he was ogling other women.

 

I felt exhausted and worthless. It was a bad breakup that I didn't intend on doing. He made an insensitive comment and I exploded. He wouldn't reply to my messages afterwards. He started a new relationship about 10 days after we broke up.

He hates me now.

 

I kept seeing them around near where I live and I felt my heart ripped out each time.

 

I was convinced it was a rebound and assumed they split up a few weeks ago as I haven't seen them around.

I unfriended him on Facebook when we broke up but they both set their posts to public. I know its hurting me but I cant stop checking.

I've just seen a new post today of another trip they went on together.

Its breaking my heart over and over and I'm thinking of how that should have been me.

They've been together 2 and a half months now.

 

They seem like they're having a great time.

She gets to have the best of him and I was just a practise run.

 

The only thing that's kept me going is the hope we'll get back together - which makes me feel pathetic and desperate.

 

I moved to this county alone 2 years ago and I have no family and I still don't have any friends. I don't have anyone to talk to and I'm sure my family think I should be over it by now.

 

I can't move on. I've felt suicidal many times. I've taken up a new sport which I love but I'm losing all hope and don't know how to carry on.

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I initiated the break up of my 7 month relationship as he was ogling other women.

 

I felt exhausted and worthless. It was a bad breakup that I didn't intend on doing. He made an insensitive comment and I exploded. He wouldn't reply to my messages afterwards. He started a new relationship about 10 days after we broke up.

He hates me now.

 

I kept seeing them around near where I live and I felt my heart ripped out each time.

 

I was convinced it was a rebound and assumed they split up a few weeks ago as I haven't seen them around.

I unfriended him on Facebook when we broke up but they both set their posts to public. I know its hurting me but I cant stop checking.

I've just seen a new post today of another trip they went on together.

Its breaking my heart over and over and I'm thinking of how that should have been me.

They've been together 2 and a half months now.

 

They seem like they're having a great time.

She gets to have the best of him and I was just a practise run.

 

The only thing that's kept me going is the hope we'll get back together - which makes me feel pathetic and desperate.

 

I moved to this county alone 2 years ago and I have no family and I still don't have any friends. I don't have anyone to talk to and I'm sure my family think I should be over it by now.

 

I can't move on. I've felt suicidal many times. I've taken up a new sport which I love but I'm losing all hope and don't know how to carry on.

 

Meditate those lines : "To recognise reason as the rose in the cross of the present, and to find delight in it, is a rational insight which implies reconciliation with reality"

 

They don't have this meaning in the book I quote them from but rather than feeling sad and suicidal over the reality, reconciliate with it by seeing the reason which is in it.

 

Maybe you are indeed fu.. up beyond all repair, that is not a sufficient reason to commit suicide. There are many path in this life, some involves heavy cross, think about those who carry a greater burden and feel gratefull for the joy you can find in your life like your new sport for instance.

 

Good luck and God bless.

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I suggest blocking both so that you have less temptation to see.

 

Years ago I had this boyfriend who broke up with me and 2 days later was already in a relationship. I was obsessed with stalking his and hers social media to the point of observing from the outside them moving together, getting engaged and all (this was all in a short period of time). I had to decide enough was enough and block and delete. Only then I began to heal properly.

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I think you need to remember why you dumped him - he was a jerk, it was a bad relationship, and it was affecting your self esteem as it left you feeling worthless. Getting rid of that was the absolute right thing to do.

 

As for him parading his next victim in front of you....I mean that's just more confirmation that he is sick, vindictive and you are so much better off without him in your life.

 

Ultimately, remember this - FB is a facade where people create this rosy picture of fluffy pink clouds and butterflies. In reality, he is still the same nasty jerk. Fortunately, he isn't your problem anymore. Do yourself a favor and block them so you can't see or simply delete your account and take a long break from social media yourself. Any time you are tempted to look for them, make yourself do something else. You can help yourself that way. Social media creates illusions of happiness that doesn't exist in real life and it can be really unhealthy for you to get lost in that illusion and let your mind create all these ideas of how happy they are. Leopards don't change their spots and you need to trust the fact that he still sucks and always will.

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You are placing all your worth on another person, and his actions and behaviours. He sounds like trash, why would you take his actions to mean anything about you? You were strong to break up with him, and you did so for a reason. Remember that reason. Stop idealising what THEIR relationship must be like, it's all in your head. If he ogled other women when with you, he'll do the same when he's with his new gf. That's something you don't see on Facebook. Luckily, you don't need to have anything to do with that anymore. Build a life for yourself, whatever it takes. Don't go out with anyone else until you are 100% content with yourself and your own company, because you'll just repeat the dangerous pattern of looking to someone else to fulfil you, and if you are let down by them, you'll feel your world is collapsing. Take back your power, build your self love, detach from him, block him on Facebook or give up Facebook altogether. You're doing yourself no favours. Good luck.

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People do not suddenly morph into great human beings. This guy was really disrespectful to you! You should be p!ssed at the way he treated you, not wanting him back.

 

This guy sounds like a real creep. Why in the world would you want to return to someone like him? You said he made you feel no value. Never expect people to change, this is who he is.

 

You need to understand why YOU tolerated any of this disrespect. You should have ditched this guy as soon as you noticed the ogling. Certainly, you want better than a guy like this.

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You must make an effort to make friends:Meet ups, volunteering, classes, sporting clubs. Anything. You are responsible for your own happiness.

 

When did you break up?

 

We broke up almost 3 months ago.

I seem to veer between being angry with him and then wanting him back.

 

I withdrew from everything when we were together.

I blamed myself, constantly criticised my looks and thought he wouldn't need to look around if I was younger, thinner, prettier etc.

 

I'm trying to be social again but I dont trust anyone and my intuition is off.

 

I'm so ashamed I let this happen to me

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People do not suddenly morph into great human beings. This guy was really disrespectful to you! You should be p!ssed at the way he treated you, not wanting him back.

 

This guy sounds like a real creep. Why in the world would you want to return to someone like him? You said he made you feel no value. Never expect people to change, this is who he is.

 

You need to understand why YOU tolerated any of this disrespect. You should have ditched this guy as soon as you noticed the ogling. Certainly, you want better than a guy like this.

 

I recently read about 'lovebombing' and I think that's what he did to me. I think I just didn't want to believe it and he really did like me. Thats whats pulling me back to him. Anytime I see him I get this rush of emotion, like a high. Then I come crashing back down a few hours later

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Hey! Stop with this 'ashamed' stuff! I know that this really, really hurts (I'm a glutton for punishment so I've done this many times) and I know that there's all this uncertainty about what you could have done differently. But shame - NO! IT WASN'T YOU! ALTHOUGH...the fact you're thinking that way means that you will move on and get into a relationship that works for you. He won't (not that it matters). He'lll carry on in the same pattern, with everyone he meets (but you won't care before long). Keep on ignoring him - you might not realise it now but you are growing stronger every day!

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Hey! Stop with this 'ashamed' stuff! I know that this really, really hurts (I'm a glutton for punishment so I've done this many times) and I know that there's all this uncertainty about what you could have done differently. But shame - NO! IT WASN'T YOU! ALTHOUGH...the fact you're thinking that way means that you will move on and get into a relationship that works for you. He won't (not that it matters). He'lll carry on in the same pattern, with everyone he meets (but you won't care before long). Keep on ignoring him - you might not realise it now but you are growing stronger every day!

 

Thanks Enn

 

I think I am sensing a pattern to his dating habits.

He seems to have moved this new relationship at warp speed. I was crushed that he seemed to forget me so quickly - that's probably a blessing though!

 

I think he's an expert at playing the part of everything you've ever wanted and then he goes to work on your insecurities.

 

I guess a should feel sorry for his latest victim

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The best thing you could do is make an appointment with a therapist and explore some of these fears and thoughts. Also do something about it. Develop a confidence building program inside and out. Learn to get out of your head and be less self conscious.

 

Get in shape, get a fitness and nutrition plan together. Also update your look. New clothes, hairstyle, etc. Build confidence and make new friends by taking some courses and classes such as yoga, tai chi, fitness classes or learn a new skill such as language, dancing whatever.

 

Join some groups and clubs that broaden your horizons, book clubs, hiking groups, whatever. Find some causes you are passionate about and volunteer. Start looking for a therapist, personal trainer, nutritionist, new clothes, new hair place and most of all some local adult courses and places to volunteer.

if I was younger, thinner, prettier etc.
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You describe the traits of a narcissist/abusive personality. As Wiseman and others have said; this is an opportunity for you to begin the work of building your reservoir of self esteem. It's a step by step process and something that you could actually get excited about. Instead of looking at their Facebook--forbid yourself from doing it. I once took myself off Facebook for six months so I could detach from a situation and it did me a World of good... And my anxiety dropped almost immediately. Just temporarily de activate your account. Then use all that free time to listen to YouTube videos about codependency; how to heal from a toxic relationship. Find that therapist. Do the sport. Create a daily routine for yourself so you don't have idle time to think about that toxic situation. One day a a time. When your thoughts drift to the hurt and negativity of self doubt.. Tell yourself that healing is your number 1 priority and consciously replace those thoughts with something positive and affirming. Lean on your faith or find it if you don't have it. Wishing you the very best. This is your chance to build yourself up so that you never have to feel this badly again. It's well worth it!!

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The relationship didn't work out. It doesn't matter why. You can try to say it was a rebound or he is a pig or he is full of himself or a jerk or whatever reason you want to say, the truth still remains, it didn't work out. Part of moving forward is accepting the past and putting it behind you. Did you know you can make no mistakes and still lose? So it doesn't matter how well you treated him, how good you were to him, it takes two to make a relationship work and if he didn't want to be with you, then that's okay, let him go.

After a break up, our esteem goes into the toilet. I know I felt horrible, ugly, worthless, I asked who would want me, say things like Im cursed or damaged but in reality I was neither of that and someone pointed out to me the obvious.

 

You attracted someone, you can do it again. That made me think.. The only person preventing me from attracting someone else was me. Nothing about me had changed I didn't grow an arm out of my head, I didn't have a third eye on my knee cap or anything. I still looked the same, same person on the inside, just had a damaged esteem and a bruised heart and both can be healed. What Im saying is that you can attract another man. This one that is gone is nothing special. He wasn't the one you were meant to be with that all. Life removed him from your life to make room for someone better. That's all that happened.

 

Cry if you have to but don't dwell on it. Just didn't work out that's all. You were meant to be with someone else. And he is out there and he is searching for you, he is going to be so happy the day he finds you so find the strength to stand up, dust yourself off and move forward. Love will find you if you leave yourself open to it.

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'Nothing about me had changed I didn't grow an arm out of my head, I didn't have a third eye on my knee cap or anything. I still looked the same, same person on the inside, just had a damaged esteem and a bruised heart and both can be healed. What Im saying is that you can attract another man. This one that is gone is nothing special. He wasn't the one you were meant to be with that all. Life removed him from your life to make room for someone better. That's all that happened.'

 

'You were meant to be with someone else. And he is out there and he is searching for you, he is going to be so happy the day he finds you so find the strength to stand up, dust yourself off and move forward. Love will find you if you leave yourself open to it.'

 

No1, not to hijack the thread but, where were you when I was dating? This is what I call good advice in relation to a break up. Not 'get therapy' or 'go get a pedicure and lunch with friends'.

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You describe the traits of a narcissist/abusive personality

 

Thank you for saying this. I did suspect it after we broke up but my mind kept going through this cycle of idealising then hating him and I didn't know what was real anymore.

It was too painful to accept the truth.

 

After reading everyone's comments this week my mind kept going back to abuse/narcissism.

 

The other shoe finally dropped and its all fallen into place.

 

I've been reading about NPD I've realised my obsession with checking social media is because his mind games in the relationship caused me to play detective and the habit continued after we broke up.

 

And I made the break up all about him as the relationship was all about him.

 

Its a sickening and liberating feeling realising the relationship was fake and my mind is now replaying everything how it really was, down to every conversation. Even split second facial expressions when the mask slipped.

 

Thank you everyone for taking the time to reply - you don't know how much it's helped me. Seeing him labelled as vindictive and trash in black and white is what I needed.

 

Everyone thinks he's a vulnerable little angel who can do no wrong. I'm stunned.

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No1, not to hijack the thread but, where were you when I was datinge will find you if you leave yourself open to it.'? This is what I call good advice in relation to a break up. Not 'get therapy' or 'go get a pedicure and lunch with friends'.

 

Thank you very much

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Anyone who "jumps into a new relationship after 10 days" was never emotionally invested in the relationship. As someone who found out his ex started a new relationship a month (AFAIK) after we broke up, I know how much it hurts.

 

Advice: Do not give them the satisfaction of knowing how much you're hurting or what you're doing with your life. They don't deserve it and you don't deserve the additional disappointment (if they find out that you've taken the time to work on/improve yourself) only to find out that they don't care. "Run silent, run deep" or "disappear like a fart in the wind". For me, the abandonment of social media has been the best thing I've done in my life in the last ten years besides dumping cable. Trust me, you don't need it and you'll eventually realize that you don't care that much about what people's dogs are doing or what they're eating at a restaurant.....

 

Take every step and everyday for yourself and making each one something positive for YOU. This situation will pass but it won't be like someone turning a light on in a dark room. It will be an gradual process that will just be like having a butterfly land on your finger: You'll just see how great your life is and has been since you CHOSE to move forward....

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