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New GF I rarely see, what up?


ManyDates

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Started dating a new girl back in October, not long after she took a part time job in addition to her FT job and was working 13 hr days, I never saw her for 2 straight weeks - just a few texts here and there. I was ready to end it and then she pulled in again and was "a girlfriend". She later clued in and quit the second job. Then she had a 1 month trip planned over the holidays to where her family spends the winters, booked before I ever met her so it was ok - even though it sucked not having her around over the holidays.

 

She was to fly home tomorrow, now she tells me she "decided to stay an extra 2 weeks".

 

This is just too out there for me

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I would let this go. She does not sound like a girlfriend, but someone you date occasionally.

 

Find someone who is available, and tell this one it is not working for you.

 

Yes it certainly has been like that or a FWB that also goes for nice walks and dates - she hasn't even spent the night, the girl is 36.

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yep let her go.

also.. you're a bit needy and demanding.

 

She is working those jobs for a reason. You odn't come first as a new bf.

To demand or expect her to give up what she wants to do for you as a new couple is pretty demanding. You EARN that with them, you don't get it right away as a new bf.

 

It sounds needy and demanding but it isn't. Generally in a brand new relationship you are around or make time, she didn't - at all. That's all I am talking about. Ended it with her 20 minutes ago

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It is when somebody can say "finally she got the hint and quit her other job..."

 

I had not seen her once in 2 weeks, she was working from 7am to 11pm. Prior to that I believe we had been on 3 dates, never once in an new relationship was I that low down the totem pole. She's just too busy for a relationship. I also just signed onto okcupid where I met her months ago and her profile popped up (that she said she deleted months ago) with what look like all new pics from her trip.

 

Nice eh?

 

Of course she denied it, but it showed she had been active in the past week.

 

What a joke

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I would say that she is too busy for the kind of relationship you want.

 

You seem to require a lot of attention early and want things to be defined quickly—all good, no judgement.

 

She sounds different, wanting things to develop slowly, and wanting very much to still live her life without it being immediately fused to another's. All good, no judgement.

 

No need to demonize her to move on. Just move on, knowing your needs a bit clearer.

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I would say that she is too busy for the kind of relationship you want.

 

You seem to require a lot of attention early and want things to be defined quickly—all good, no judgement.

 

She sounds different, wanting things to develop slowly, and wanting very much to still live her life without it being immediately fused to another's. All good, no judgement.

 

No need to demonize her to move on. Just move on, knowing your needs a bit clearer.

 

Great advice, thank you

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Well if she was back on OK Cupid updating her photos then I'm sorry to say but I think it might not necessarily have been the jobs and that she was super busy but that she didn't take you that seriously and she was still dating other people. If she was really into you then why would she want to spend an extra two weeks on her trip when she'd already hardly seen you? If that was me I would not have taken off any extra time than needed if I liked the person because I'd be keen to get back to them. I definitely think you made the right decision to end it.

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Well if she was back on OK Cupid updating her photos then I'm sorry to say but I think it might not necessarily have been the jobs and that she was super busy but that she didn't take you that seriously and she was still dating other people. If she was really into you then why would she want to spend an extra two weeks on her trip when she'd already hardly seen you? If that was me I would not have taken off any extra time than needed if I liked the person because I'd be keen to get back to them. I definitely think you made the right decision to end it.

 

Probably but this may be a recurring theme for her which only gets worse so she keeps "relationships" quick release like this because she doesn't give them time and effort and the guys bail. I don't get why she didn't just break it off with me, I know she liked the sex, might have been that.

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You already broke it off, but I will add to the conversation anyway. She's unavailable and busy doing her own thing. You can't fight her on a need to take a second job to pay the bills. BUT, now there's the issue around a lengthy trip that got extended, which seems odd to me that she can take 6 weeks off of work, and I suspect she doesn't really need the money if she can take a full six weeks off of work. At the end of the day, I question her priorities as it pertains to you...she's not interested or she just wants someone around when she's available. You could just accept whatever time you get, and don't get invested as a long-term thing, or you cut the cord and move on because she's not offering what you want in a relationship, which you have done. I think you made the right choice.

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She's not available. And "non needy/clingy" is perhaps an overshoot and why you end up with stuff like her. If you want casual sex/fwb/casual dating, be upfront, but the downside is you'll keep getting women like her who are not available.

All I wanted was a stable non needy /cling bomb chick and I ended up with her,
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I don't think she was all that into you, OP.

 

Yes, she was very busy, but you would know if someone wanted to spend time with you and missed you. I just don't believe your interest levels were the same to begin with. And if this is going to be a recurring theme for her, well, maybe that suits her just fine. Some people simply don't to take on that sort of commitment.

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I would say that she is too busy for the kind of relationship you want.

 

You seem to require a lot of attention early and want things to be defined quickly—all good, no judgement.

 

She sounds different, wanting things to develop slowly, and wanting very much to still live her life without it being immediately fused to another's. All good, no judgement.

 

No need to demonize her to move on. Just move on, knowing your needs a bit clearer.

 

This. Bad match no big deal. Movie forward.

 

You know I didn’t see the pattern before but others did and now I do too, you ignore red flags and then all women are bad, kinda like a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

After 3 dates you’re expecting an instant relationship, that’s a lot to ask.

 

After a month or so you’re expecting to spend the holiday together. A lot to ask.

 

After 6 wwwks you get mad at her work schedule. A lot to ask.

 

It could also be that she was liar, had a secret family and was dating you on the side...

 

You expecting a woman with a secret family to spend more time with you is a lot to ask...

 

I’m kidding but sadly only a little, learn to walk away at the first sigh of red flags.

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This. Bad match no big deal. Movie forward.

 

You know I didn’t see the pattern before but others did and now I do too, you ignore red flags and then all women are bad, kinda like a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

After 3 dates you’re expecting an instant relationship, that’s a lot to ask.

 

After a month or so you’re expecting to spend the holiday together. A lot to ask.

 

After 6 wwwks you get mad at her work schedule. A lot to ask.

 

It could also be that she was liar, had a secret family and was dating you on the side...

 

You expecting a woman with a secret family to spend more time with you is a lot to ask...

 

I’m kidding but sadly only a little, learn to walk away at the first sigh of red flags.

 

Or learn to accept that you ignored a red flag or two in the name of exploration, in seeing if some hopes could be realized, and then gracefully move on when those hopes turn out to be just that: something in your mind that she can't fulfill.

 

I don't mean to badger, because I know these moments suck. But it never sits well with me when people get this negative this quickly. You seem intent to keep creating a narrative in which she screwed you—or, well, that she only screwed you, same way she screwed those before you and will go on screwing those after you.

 

Sorry, but she doesn't have that power. She's just a woman in the world doing her thing. Part of that thing was getting to know you, in a way that worked for her. I'm sure she would be happier if what worked for her worked for you, just as you'd be happier if what worked for you worked for her.

 

No need to keep turning it around to land on the chord where you got screwed in this.

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She's just a woman in the world doing her thing. Part of that thing was getting to know you, in a way that worked for her.

 

I'm sure she would be happier if what worked for her worked for you, just as you'd be happier if what worked for you worked for her.

 

No need to keep turning it around to land on the chord where you got screwed in this.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with this.

 

So, in that sense where was the red flag? She did nothing "wrong" per se, OP you and she just were not a good fit, incompatible.

 

You played it out for a bit, realized it didn't work for you so ended it, which is why we date.

 

If it makes you feel better to blame her, deem her a "bad" person, used you or whatever, fine but I think in time you will realize you and she simply weren't a good fit, and that's it.

 

Best of luck moving forward!

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This. Bad match no big deal. Movie forward.

 

You know I didn’t see the pattern before but others did and now I do too, you ignore red flags and then all women are bad, kinda like a self fulfilling prophecy.

 

After 3 dates you’re expecting an instant relationship, that’s a lot to ask.

 

After a month or so you’re expecting to spend the holiday together. A lot to ask.

 

After 6 wwwks you get mad at her work schedule. A lot to ask.

 

It could also be that she was liar, had a secret family and was dating you on the side...

 

You expecting a woman with a secret family to spend more time with you is a lot to ask...

 

I’m kidding but sadly only a little, learn to walk away at the first sigh of red flags.

 

Sometimes the red flags have more to do with being a bad match and not so much character flaws. Apparently their schedules and expectations and needs are too different. But yes, it seems too much too soon too in terms of expectations. And she seems to be too busy to date the way OP wants.

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