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Complicated situation with Partner's ex that I'm struggling with


KNicNel892

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So, I want to start off by saying I love my partner to bits. He's an absolute gem of a guy, and the problem isn't so much that he's not nice it's almost that he's too nice. Before me and my partner started dating, he'd been single for 2 years - he's 30 years old, and he had been with his ex for 8 years, and she's 10 years older than him and has two kids. So he raised her kids while they were together. His ex is a care worker and she works nights, usually about three times a week - and she has no one else to look after the kids, so basically he stays at her house and watches the kids while she works. The eldest is 14 and basically when he's 16 my partner wants to stop doing the night shifts and staying over there - and I've also said I don't want us to move in together until he's stopped doing them, as I don't want to spend three nights a week on my own and I also kindof want this chapter of his life done with before we start our own. Now, I know how it sounds ok, and I know you're probably thinking he's cheating on me, and lying to me and I just want to say I 100% know that's not the case - I know because I've met his ex a few times, I've met the kids, I've been round there at night when she works, and my mother also works for the same care working company and knows her. The youngest kid even comes to ride my horse sometimes and I give her lessons, and she's lovely.

 

My problem isn't trust, or not even that I'm uncomfortable with him seeing his ex. My problem is more that I feel she sometimes takes advantage, and my partner is such a kind person that he won't just...basically, man up...and tell her enough is enough. Like it's not enough that he looks after her kids so she can work, (she's so in debt she's probably going to have to declare bankruptcy so she has no money) - when I met my partner, he'd been so desperate to leave her he told her he'd keep giving her money as long as he could move out. So he was giving her like £500 a month just so she could stay afloat, and she still got herself into debt - it was only when we met that he stopped giving her that money. She's seeing someone new now, which is great, but he lives far away and she'll sometimes just go and see him at a drop of a hat and leave the kids in the house and expect my partner to just go over there and stay the night to look after them. And most of the time, my partner will go and do it because I mean if he doesn't those kids have to just be alone and have no one to take care of them.

 

|It just gets on top of me sometimes that I have to be on a schedule to see my own partner, and often when she pulls stuff like this it's me who gets shunned to the sidelines. But I try not to say anything because of the kids. I grew up without a father, and their actual father doesn't care about them so my partner doesn't want to just dissapear on them, and I can't ask him to - how can I begrudge him for being a dad to those kids when alot of actual fathers wouldn't even put that kind of effort in?

 

But he still pays for the internet in her house, and her car tax, which I don't like and he basically just doesn't want to have that conversation with her - this is what I mean about being too nice. He never wants to argue with her, which I get, but if you let someone take advantage of you all the time when does it end? Never, surely? The one thing I will say about him which is negative is that he's almost afraid for her, and he needs to man up and put his foot down more.

 

I don't know, it's just massively difficult for me sometimes, we've talked about it and he told me if it keeps stressing me out and upsetting me he'd tell her he can't help her do night shifts anymore, and to be honest it does really get to me and I'd much much much rather he didn't spend time there, but I feel so bad for the kids I never say anything. Yesterday he said if I wanted I could just come over there with him when he's staying there if it would make me feel better but I told him the idea of him sleeping in her bed (even if she isn't there) upsets me, and the idea of sleeping there with him, in that bed that they shared for years, is too much for me. I could tell he felt really guilty because he didn't even think of that, but to me it's a big deal.

 

The big childish part of me wants to be selfish and wants him to just cut them all off because it would make things so much easier, and if I'm being honest if she didn't have kids that he'd raised I wouldn't have put up with it, not in a million years, but they are involed and they don't deserve to suffer, they've probably been through enough with the whole thing as it is.

 

I just don't know, I just needed to write it all down and put it out there. He's my best friend, we spend nearly every day together, I've had boyfriends and it was nothing compared to this. We never argue, even when we talk about this and I get upset it isn't arguing. He's so caring and lovely, he'll do anything for anyone but I think that this nature sadly isn't always a good thing. It's just difficult for me and I don't know if I can put up with it until the eldest has reached an age where he can look after his sibling while their mum does night shifts - but I feel guilty and selfish about bringing it up and asking him to do that to me, and I'm afraid he'll resent me for it. His mum is also friends with his ex too so that also stops me from wanting to say it.

 

Am I being selfish? Should I just man up myself and deal with it?

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He is a total doormat! But, he likes doing this stuff for her. This is what YOU are missing.

 

Why in the world is he paying some of the bills? Unbelievable!

 

I also think that he is not over this woman. I dealt with this with an ex. Your bf chooses to remain in a big part of her life. I would not stick around for this.

 

Lastly, your expectations are very low. You have allowed way too much.

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I agree with the other posters. A 14 year old does not need a babysitter. It’s not ideal for the 14 year old to have to help with other siblings getting to bed, but that’d be a far more healthy dynamic than what they’re doing now.

 

I would have laid out my expectations and what I wanted for myself long ago.

 

Sleeping in her bed?? That’s gross. And so far across the line. That would have been the end for me the first time it happened. Who doesn’t have enough sense to know that’s not okay??

 

You definitely need to stop being a doormat. His life will be like this as long as you (or the next woman) allow it. I’m actually surprised that someone who is as intelligent as you seem to be, even considered entering a relationship with him under these circumstances.

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He and his "ex" partner are still in a relationship. Until this situation changes, neither of them is actually available to a new partner - any more than if they were married, had got bored with each other sexually and were having affairs with other people. The difference, of course, is that everyone's being completely open about the situation. That still doesn't mean he's available for a relationship with you in any meaningful way - like moving on, planning a future together and all the other things that committed couples could reasonably expect.

 

When you say "The big childish part of me wants to be selfish and wants him to just cut them all off" - this is not a big childish thing at all, but a reasonable wish to have a life with the man you love without his "ex" and her family being a huge part of it. Unfortunately, you have already realised this isn't going to happen.

 

What may appear like him being kind and lovely is actually him not having any boundaries, and being too scared to put his foot down with a woman who's running rings around him. The children are not his responsibility - they are the responsibility of their biological parents, and if their father isn't stepping up to the plate there are legal mechanisms for getting him to do so.

 

So, you have a heartbreaking choice. Either accept that you will be permanently sidelined when it suits her, and effectively assume the role of the "other woman" whose interests will always be secondary to those of a family which he has chosen to keep contact with. Or, you can accept that this is the way it will be for the foreseeable future, and that your time would be better spent building a life for yourself without indirectly taking on someone else's responsibilities.

 

I'm so sorry.

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My own private rule is that I won't involve myself with anyone who's still involved with an ex in any way, shape or form, beyond shared children. These are not shared children.

 

Ex is perfectly capable of finding a more suitable situation, but your BF caters, so she won't bother. I'd tell BF that I adore him and can picture the two of us together in the future, but that's why I'm walking away while we both still think highly of one another. He can work out his old business, and if he's ever free and clear of all dealings with his ex, he can let me know. If I'm still available then, we can meet to catch up. Otherwise, I wish him the best.

 

It makes no sense to enter any new lovers' living situation that isn't desirable only to complain about it and allow it to impact your life and your happiness. Skip that. I'd move forward, and if the guy wants to catch up, he can do that. Otherwise, he doesn't have the kind of spine that would interest me, anyway.

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Well I think regarding the children it's a difficult issue because if he brought them up from being very small then he kind of is like their Dad and he is probably really attached to them and they are to him. I probably may have thought the situation with the children was wrong except my fiance has the same thing where he thinks of his stepdad as his actual real Dad. My fiance's parents broke up when he was only four or five years old and until the age of about sixteen his real father actually abandoned him. His mother met someone new straight away and that man brought up my fiance as his own son and they are really close. Even though in his mid teens my fiance got back in touch with his biological Dad, he actually loves his stepdad more.

 

HOWEVER, I think even in this situation there need to be clear boundaries. If your boyfriend loves the children, maybe he could catch up with them once a week or once a fortnight and take them out to McDonald's or the zoo or something and you could come with them too and be included. But to babysit them three times a week and sleep over in the ex's bed and to pay a few of her bills is EXTREMELY inappropriate. If I was her I would never put my ex in this position so I would say she probably still has feelings for him and she's trying to dig her claws into him and sabotage your relationship. She is majorly using him financially because he's paying her bills and she saves a lot of money on a babysitter.

 

I would suggest that you say to your boyfriend that he has to choose, you or her. That he can still see the children sometimes if he wants and they can come to your place or you both can take them out, but all the other stuff has to stop or you're out of there. If your boyfriend truly loves you then he will choose you. If he doesn't stop all that inappropriate stuff then I think you have your answer.

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ok well thanks for nothing everyone

 

Unfortunately you really cannot change another person, ever, and you need to accept the situation you're in - as it really is, not thinking that by doing or saying the right thing everything will magically change. When I say 'accept', I mean look at it realistically; I'm not advising you to tolerate something which is likely to become increasingly intolerable.

 

If you take nothing else away from this thread, at least take that!

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ok well thanks for nothing everyone

 

What kind of response were you looking for?

Am I being selfish? Should I just man up myself and deal with it?

You asked two questions -

No, you are not being selfish.

No, you shouldn't just deal with it.

 

Based on your reaction I can assume you wanted us to give you the words on how to show him the error of his ways?

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ok well thanks for nothing everyone

 

So all these posters took their time, energy, and experience to give you advice that you asked for, and that's all you can say?

 

You know what? Stay with your boyfriend. He'll still be spending nights over there when the kids are 40 years old, and paying for his ex's senior health care. Is that what you want to hear?

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Oh man. I have been in your situation. My ex still bent over backwards for his ex and her kids. I could understand more if they were his biological kids but they aren’t. And it wasn’t just that they were friends - you can’t control who your partner is friends with, but there has to be boundaries that respects your current relationship.

 

When this happened to me, I asked him if he even took me seriously and wanted to move forward with us while still putting his ex first. I told him I don’t feel like we can progress if he continued to keep the ex and family in the picture. They weren’t even married!

 

In retrospect, it was an indirect ultimatum and he did eventually cut ties with her.

 

Just talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel about the future of your relationship. Ask him how he would feel if the tables were turned.

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