Jump to content

Collecting gifts


jenberry

Recommended Posts

Hello lovely people,

 

Some advice please. My ex and I broke up (mutually) in November, two months ago after three years together. Initially, we decided to stay friends but in hindsight, I don't wish to have him in my life in my life in any shape or form, as the distance has allowed me to see clearly the things I continuously brushed under the carpet: his excessive drinking and partying, always showing up late, being taken for granted, being spoken down to to the point of verbal abuse in some instances, constant texting in my presence, being unsupportive when my father passed away last year (when I was crying a week later, he told me I was no fun anymore) etc. The relationship robbed me of my peace and I invested so much of myself into someone who gave me crumbs in return. I moved my life away from my family and friends to be with him when he got a new job, thereby fabricating a life that revolved around him, while he lived a life that would have been no different had he been single. I admit I made the wrong choice and that's totally my fault but I wasn't to know.

 

AAAANYWAY...when we broke up, I gave him his Christmas presents. He said he had some for me, but as we were each going home for Christmas, would bring them over to me upon our return. I was hesitant because I wanted to get over him and the whole mess that was our recent relationship and knew that having him come round at some point in the new year would be an impediment to this. I'm also not bothered about Christmas presents. He text me last Tuesday saying 'I have your gifts, let me know when you want them'. The following is a condensed version of what happened:

 

Me: How about tonight?

Him: No, I'm busy tonight.

 

The following day

Me: I will be in your area this evening, how about I pick up the gifts?

Him: No, I will be out all night.

 

The following day

Me: How about I come round tonight?

Him: No, I am out tonight, one day early next week.

 

So he basically told me he has gifts to give me but is never available. Like a plonker, I suggested times when I would be available, again putting myself out there to be told he's always busy and has no time for me, much like when we were together. Now I am anxious AF about seeing him early this week and couldn't sleep last night at the prospect. I just don't need this hassle and his constant stringing me along and wondering 'when??' I need a clean break as the relationship caused me a lot of angst and I need to know I won't be seeing him again to fully be at peace. I thought about just saying 'I'm out, just leave them at my door' if he gets in touch, but feel this is a bit cold for someone bringing round gifts. I'm overthinking this. Don't know what I'm asking for other than some insight and advice. Please help

Link to comment
  • Replies 74
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Stop contacting him about the gifts. I don't care if he offered. He is playing the same manipulative games he always played and will continue to do so as long as you allow him to.

 

You don't need "gifts" from your ex.

 

Forget about the gifts. Block him from contacting you. Unless you want to remain available for him to play with.

Link to comment

Ok just lay back. Do not contact him. Don't allow the bait of gifts to put you into chase mode. If he's playing games or whatever the best thing is to stop all contact. Decide if whatever gifts are even worth this headache. In fact stop trying to be friends and if he ever does arrange to give them to you stop all contact and block and delete him.

He text me last Tuesday saying 'I have your gifts, let me know when you want them'. The following is a condensed version of what happened:

 

Me: How about tonight?

Him: No, I'm busy tonight.

 

The following day

Me: I will be in your area this evening, how about I pick up the gifts?

Him: No, I will be out all night.

 

The following day

Me: How about I come round tonight?

Him: No, I am out tonight, one day early next week.

Link to comment

So... ummm... do you really think he even has the Christmas presents? I mean... maybe. You know him better than us. But - to me, you were incredibly organized to have already bought the Christmas presents in November. I’m just thinking that a guy who was potentially thinking of breaking up, probably would not have had a Christmas present at the top of his mind - thinking about what you would like, etc - while also thinking about breaking up? My guess is that your Christmas present is at the store (ie: he hasn’t bought it yet) and that’s why he keeps putting it off. He just said he had them so as not to look like an even bigger jerk.

 

... but I’m just guessing. Maybe he’s incredibly organized and thoughtful (and the breakup was spontaneous and not at all thought out).

 

Honestly? I would also just tell him to forget it. Do you REALLY want a sweater (or whatever) given to you by him? Every time you see whatever it is, you will think of him. Normally during a breakup, gifts are one of the first things that I hide away (at least for a while) for that very reason.

 

You don’t need whatever the gift is. Really, you don’t. And this is all adding stress to your life. I think you should tell him to just forget it.

Link to comment

Wow guys, thank you. Everyone seems to be pretty consistent about this! For the record, I am not interested in the gifts at all. Material things mean squat to me. He insisted though, and I guess I have just gone along with it. In late December, he asked if he could come and visit me and my mum. I told him I needed distance to heal. The message he sent me asking about the gifts was last week, early January. Hardly giving me much time to heal. I know he is in a different place because he doesn't, by his own admission, feel emotion so lacks empathy when it comes to other people experiencing intense emotions, as I have done. I thought it would be a case of him coming round, dropping off the gifts, job done. But he is stringing me along, making me aware that he is always busy and he has a full life after the breakup, as if doing so intentionally and it hurts. I don't want to be friends, I don't want him to be part of my life, I was just trying not to end this on a sour note by being compliant and kind, but he's not playing ball. I think you are right that I need to shove the gifts and move on 100% without him in my life in any way.

 

Reddress: Yeah I am fairly sure he got me an Amazon fire stick as it's something I asked for. The breakup was a long time coming, but spontaneous as I haven't been happy for a long time so it just ended that night. We had talked about it previously but kept giving it 'another shot', thereby increasing the misery for me. I feel like getting the gifts is the final nail in the coffin I need to lay this to rest and see him one last time to end on a positive note, but that is an opportunity I have afforded him and he hasn't gone with it so maybe I need to be content with not seeing him again and moving on in my own way. He can never give me closure anyway, he has his own agenda xxx

Link to comment

He knows what he's doing..especially when he said "I'll be out all night"..what an ass!

 

Seriously, don't let this person hold you hostage. You don't need it.

 

Don't contact him again, if he insists in giving you the gifts, tell him to drop it off outside your door whenever, and actually mean it.

If he says he wants to meet, tell him no. He can drop the gifts off whenever or forget about it.

 

Though truth be told, I totally agree with RedDress, do you really want gifts from him that will only set your healing back and remind you of him?

I sure wouldn't.

I'd be more likely to tell him that the gifts aren't a healthy thing for you and you'd rather just not.

You don't owe him anything at this point and there is such a thing as being too nice to a point where he will take advantage.

 

Don't keep allowing him to.

Link to comment
He knows what he's doing..especially when he said "I'll be out all night"..what an ass!

 

Seriously, don't let this person hold you hostage. You don't need it.

 

Don't contact him again, if he insists in giving you the gifts, tell him to drop it off outside your door whenever, and actually mean it.

If he says he wants to meet, tell him no. He can drop the gifts off whenever or forget about it.

 

Though truth be told, I totally agree with RedDress, do you really want gifts from him that will only set your healing back and remind you of him?

I sure wouldn't.

I'd be more likely to tell him that the gifts aren't a healthy thing for you and you'd rather just not.

You don't owe him anything at this point and there is such a thing as being too nice to a point where he will take advantage.

 

Don't keep allowing him to.

 

I think I love you!! Yes, this response makes me feel good. It made me feel sh*t when he said he'd be out all night because who in their right mind is out all night on a Wednesday? I'm not going to pick apart what he was potentially doing because I genuinely don't think he has a new partner, but just telling me that made me feel pretty low and confirmed I want no further contact with him. Any contact is just a reverberation of the pain and angst I felt when I was with him. Something he has said to me throughout the relationship when I have felt upset by something he's done is 'I don't owe you anything.' Now we are together, I really need to take back my power and realise I certainly don't owe HIM anything. His gifts would just be going to charity anyway. xxx

Link to comment
Forget the gifts. He can mail them if he really wants to give them to you.

 

You're right. I need to forget it entirely and stop chasing after some bait that he has produced and that I don't have any interest in. I thought that by deleting, blocking etc that would just be avoiding him and being fearful, but maybe it is the right thing to do. I need him out my life completely.

Link to comment

Breaking up means the end. This person is no longer a part of your life in any way, shape, or form.

Once you've sorted out the break up, returned each others stuff, etc., you have no reason to speak to each other again. If the person was toxic to you, then yes, you block him because that's the wise and healthy thing to do for yourself. Weak is keeping contact alive and rising to his bait like a trout to a fly. He is literally stroking his ego at your expense right now after the way you started chasing him to pick up the gifts. That's not strength OP, that's weakness and something you need to become aware of and work on.

Link to comment
Breaking up means the end. This person is no longer a part of your life in any way, shape, or form.

Once you've sorted out the break up, returned each others stuff, etc., you have no reason to speak to each other again. If the person was toxic to you, then yes, you block him because that's the wise and healthy thing to do for yourself. Weak is keeping contact alive and rising to his bait like a trout to a fly. He is literally stroking his ego at your expense right now after the way you started chasing him to pick up the gifts. That's not strength OP, that's weakness and something you need to become aware of and work on.

 

Thank you DancingFool. I was doing so well. Spending time with friends, rebuilding my life. The lack of contact was doing me good. He had mentioned the gifts a few times and I initially said no, don't bother. It wasn't until I read the messages on this forum describing them as bait that I realised that is exactly what he's doing. It was kind of unconscious of me to respond to his messages asking to meet for the receipt of the gifts, because frankly, I just wanted it over with, never really considering that ignoring or blocking might be the best route. I want to take the high road and be kind about it but I'm realising my kindness is being taken advantage of. Thank you for giving it to me straight.

Link to comment

Jenberry, why do these gifts matter to you at all if you don’t want to be in his life in any way shape or form? They are just gifts. And personally, in my opinion, I don’t think he had any gifts for you at all. I think he just said that because you said you had gifts. Stop contacting him. If he contacts you about them, ignore him. You don’t need gifts from this jerk.

Link to comment

Thanks Daisy. They don't matter, but I guess old habits die hard. He messages and I come running. Like I mentioned, I wanted to keep the peace, to have things end compassionately and in a kind way hence why I agreed to collecting the gifts. I didn't expect him to tell me he has them and then say no to every day I suggested. I have stopped contacting him, don't worry.

Link to comment

I'm sorry you went through that Daisy. My ex was 'mildly' verbally abusive, shouting at me to f-off down the phone if I interrupted his drinking sessions and could be pretty nasty at times. Why on earth does your ex still text you to say mean things? It took me a while to realise that it about them, not you. The only way we are responsible is by putting up with it for as long as we did, however long that may have been. I am a kind and considerate person (too kind perhaps. I'd be the one to apologise just to keep the peace in the midst of an argument, even if he was in the wrong) and he knows how to use that to his own advantage, by stringing me along, suggesting a date and not seeing it through etc. I think ignoring him is the last thing he would expect.

Link to comment

Unfortunately we have to stay in touch because we have a daughter together. He's only supposed to call 3 times a week (per the court) to talk to her, but he likes to throw shots at me. I ignore him, because none of what he says is true. He's a bad guy.

 

But yes, they don't expect it when you ignore them. They don't like that at all, lol. It means that they lost control of you.

Do it!

Link to comment
Unfortunately we have to stay in touch because we have a daughter together. He's only supposed to call 3 times a week (per the court) to talk to her, but he likes to throw shots at me. I ignore him, because none of what he says is true. He's a bad guy.

 

But yes, they don't expect it when you ignore them. They don't like that at all, lol. It means that they lost control of you.

Do it!

 

I genuinely don't know how people with kids do it: seeing their horrible toxic ex and having to communicate with them when they are apparently unable to communicate in an adult way. Kudos to you for being the responsible one and ignoring what he says, that takes major strength. I'm learning a lot about my own codependent ways and trying to detach but it's hard.

 

I just said to my mum people on the forum are suggesting to ignore him, but it's not my style. She said 'just go along and see him when he texts, in the knowledge you'll never have to see him again. It will bring you closure'. I know closure is not going to come from him. I think I need a middle ground, and for me, it's simply saying leave the presents on my doorstep.

Link to comment

YOU are deciding to continue the drama. That's on you. And, if he treated you so poorly, why would you even care?

 

You do not get closure from others, it comes from the knowledge that you had a sh&t relationship.

 

I don't understand the need to get these gifts. he still has the upper hand.

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...