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Thread: Collecting gifts

  1. #1
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    Collecting gifts

    Hello lovely people,

    Some advice please. My ex and I broke up (mutually) in November, two months ago after three years together. Initially, we decided to stay friends but in hindsight, I don't wish to have him in my life in my life in any shape or form, as the distance has allowed me to see clearly the things I continuously brushed under the carpet: his excessive drinking and partying, always showing up late, being taken for granted, being spoken down to to the point of verbal abuse in some instances, constant texting in my presence, being unsupportive when my father passed away last year (when I was crying a week later, he told me I was no fun anymore) etc. The relationship robbed me of my peace and I invested so much of myself into someone who gave me crumbs in return. I moved my life away from my family and friends to be with him when he got a new job, thereby fabricating a life that revolved around him, while he lived a life that would have been no different had he been single. I admit I made the wrong choice and that's totally my fault but I wasn't to know.

    AAAANYWAY...when we broke up, I gave him his Christmas presents. He said he had some for me, but as we were each going home for Christmas, would bring them over to me upon our return. I was hesitant because I wanted to get over him and the whole mess that was our recent relationship and knew that having him come round at some point in the new year would be an impediment to this. I'm also not bothered about Christmas presents. He text me last Tuesday saying 'I have your gifts, let me know when you want them'. The following is a condensed version of what happened:

    Me: How about tonight?
    Him: No, I'm busy tonight.

    The following day
    Me: I will be in your area this evening, how about I pick up the gifts?
    Him: No, I will be out all night.

    The following day
    Me: How about I come round tonight?
    Him: No, I am out tonight, one day early next week.

    So he basically told me he has gifts to give me but is never available. Like a plonker, I suggested times when I would be available, again putting myself out there to be told he's always busy and has no time for me, much like when we were together. Now I am anxious AF about seeing him early this week and couldn't sleep last night at the prospect. I just don't need this hassle and his constant stringing me along and wondering 'when??' I need a clean break as the relationship caused me a lot of angst and I need to know I won't be seeing him again to fully be at peace. I thought about just saying 'I'm out, just leave them at my door' if he gets in touch, but feel this is a bit cold for someone bringing round gifts. I'm overthinking this. Don't know what I'm asking for other than some insight and advice. Please help <3 xxx

  2. #2
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    Stop contacting him about the gifts. I don't care if he offered. He is playing the same manipulative games he always played and will continue to do so as long as you allow him to.

    You don't need "gifts" from your ex.

    Forget about the gifts. Block him from contacting you. Unless you want to remain available for him to play with.

  3. #3
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    Prioritize your peace over material things. Many of us lose material things/money as part of a break up. Hope you can move on soon.

  4. #4
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    I wouldn't worry about getting these gifts from him. Let him keep/return/donate them.

    It is a small price to pay for your peace of mind.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Ok just lay back. Do not contact him. Don't allow the bait of gifts to put you into chase mode. If he's playing games or whatever the best thing is to stop all contact. Decide if whatever gifts are even worth this headache. In fact stop trying to be friends and if he ever does arrange to give them to you stop all contact and block and delete him.
    Originally Posted by jenberry
    He text me last Tuesday saying 'I have your gifts, let me know when you want them'. The following is a condensed version of what happened:

    Me: How about tonight?
    Him: No, I'm busy tonight.

    The following day
    Me: I will be in your area this evening, how about I pick up the gifts?
    Him: No, I will be out all night.

    The following day
    Me: How about I come round tonight?
    Him: No, I am out tonight, one day early next week.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    I'd tell him to shove his gifts,..not kidding.

    Why are you letting him hold you hostage over this? Delete, block, move on with life.

    You're letting him stress you over this? Honestly, no need to. Get him out of your life and forget about the gifts. Christmas is over.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I'll echo what everyone is saying and advise to forget about the gifts, block and delete so you can move on. Your healing and moving on is more important than this back and forth on christmas gifts.

  9. #8
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    So... ummm... do you really think he even has the Christmas presents? I mean... maybe. You know him better than us. But - to me, you were incredibly organized to have already bought the Christmas presents in November. Iím just thinking that a guy who was potentially thinking of breaking up, probably would not have had a Christmas present at the top of his mind - thinking about what you would like, etc - while also thinking about breaking up? My guess is that your Christmas present is at the store (ie: he hasnít bought it yet) and thatís why he keeps putting it off. He just said he had them so as not to look like an even bigger jerk.

    ... but Iím just guessing. Maybe heís incredibly organized and thoughtful (and the breakup was spontaneous and not at all thought out).

    Honestly? I would also just tell him to forget it. Do you REALLY want a sweater (or whatever) given to you by him? Every time you see whatever it is, you will think of him. Normally during a breakup, gifts are one of the first things that I hide away (at least for a while) for that very reason.

    You donít need whatever the gift is. Really, you donít. And this is all adding stress to your life. I think you should tell him to just forget it.

  10. #9
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    Wow guys, thank you. Everyone seems to be pretty consistent about this! For the record, I am not interested in the gifts at all. Material things mean squat to me. He insisted though, and I guess I have just gone along with it. In late December, he asked if he could come and visit me and my mum. I told him I needed distance to heal. The message he sent me asking about the gifts was last week, early January. Hardly giving me much time to heal. I know he is in a different place because he doesn't, by his own admission, feel emotion so lacks empathy when it comes to other people experiencing intense emotions, as I have done. I thought it would be a case of him coming round, dropping off the gifts, job done. But he is stringing me along, making me aware that he is always busy and he has a full life after the breakup, as if doing so intentionally and it hurts. I don't want to be friends, I don't want him to be part of my life, I was just trying not to end this on a sour note by being compliant and kind, but he's not playing ball. I think you are right that I need to shove the gifts and move on 100% without him in my life in any way.

    Reddress: Yeah I am fairly sure he got me an Amazon fire stick as it's something I asked for. The breakup was a long time coming, but spontaneous as I haven't been happy for a long time so it just ended that night. We had talked about it previously but kept giving it 'another shot', thereby increasing the misery for me. I feel like getting the gifts is the final nail in the coffin I need to lay this to rest and see him one last time to end on a positive note, but that is an opportunity I have afforded him and he hasn't gone with it so maybe I need to be content with not seeing him again and moving on in my own way. He can never give me closure anyway, he has his own agenda xxx

  11. #10
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He knows what he's doing..especially when he said "I'll be out all night"..what an ass!

    Seriously, don't let this person hold you hostage. You don't need it.

    Don't contact him again, if he insists in giving you the gifts, tell him to drop it off outside your door whenever, and actually mean it.
    If he says he wants to meet, tell him no. He can drop the gifts off whenever or forget about it.

    Though truth be told, I totally agree with RedDress, do you really want gifts from him that will only set your healing back and remind you of him?
    I sure wouldn't.
    I'd be more likely to tell him that the gifts aren't a healthy thing for you and you'd rather just not.
    You don't owe him anything at this point and there is such a thing as being too nice to a point where he will take advantage.

    Don't keep allowing him to.

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