Angry today - I don't know if I was being clingy or he was being unreasonable

How is everyone doing? I hope your NYE and Xmas was good.

It has been 3 and a half months since my ex left me. I have been having a very difficult time; the first month I barely got out of bed,on month 2 I started to pursue hobbies, working out, hanging out with friends and family and doing my best to move past this point in my life. But, I am still periodically plagued by immense guilt, self doubt and feeling like I don't even know if I was too demanding or if I was just asking the wrong person.

So I decided to ask for opinions here because this community has always been honest and what I need now the most, is an unbiased opinion. I will list a few incidents that have stuck with me and are a prime example of how our relationship was. I want to know, if his behaviour is normal and I am being unreasonable?

I would like to add, that for the first year and a half, he was generally a good partner. He would just show his selfish side when ever he did not get his way 100%.

General BG:

We are both 27, we were together for 2 years and 3 months. I knew early on, that he had a lot of girlfriends before me, he was honest about that. Since he was 20, he had non stop relationships with women who either cheated on him or were emotionally abusive. He left them all at about the 1 year mark or less. I was his longest relationship sice his childhood sweetheart, who he left as well because he felt she would be better off without him. He just left, did not tell her why and this made him feel guilty even when we met all those years later. Should have taken that as a red flag, since he also left me out of the blue. But, I wanted to be with him, and since he was single for a year before meeting me I thought he was over his exes. He was not. He told me I was the best girlfriend he ever had, and that he cared for me deeply. This made me believe that he was as serious as I was.

Dynamics:

- At first, he was very eager to text with me (we live in different cities, 30 min apart, so no big deal), would initiate conversations himself as well, reply in a reasonable time frame. Since April, things changed, he almost never initiated, took longer to reply,he was colder. Something happened then, because he shut down and refused to see me on the weekend, telling me he wanted to be alone but did not give a reason. I asked, but after he eluded the question. I decided not to pry and told him I would be there for him and will respect his wish. I never did find out what happened exactly, but it might have been something about getting more responsibilities at his work place. This was a pattern he would later use more. Asking me not to come over, wanting to be alone, saying he had headaches, not giving me a reason. This happened at least 3 times.

- He would promise me we would do things and then he would say he did not feel like it, or was too tired. I did not press this because he had a difficult job and was often tired due to this. Example: He would get tickets to get some free brugers and said he would take me there. I was really looking forward to this event for months, then he decided on the day that he was not hungry and if we can go another time. I said okay, disappointed but he reassured me so I accepted it. Then I found out he took 3 of his colleaues to that place on at least 2 separate occassions and used up the tickets. I was upset, hurt and angry so I told him it wasn't fair and he promised to take me,but he rather took other people afterwards. He took me there next week but was grumpy the entire time and I could feel it... I did not think it was unreasonable to demand this of him, since he promised me but his ty mood made me feel like it was just something he did to shut me up. Was I too demanding? He also decided not to go on our planned vacation to my family's seaside cottage because: "He did not want to go." Even though he was excited before. He would be wishy washy with such stuff a lot.

-He would not understand why I was jealous of his interactions with some of his female aquaintances:I think it is understndable to be upset when a woman shoves your partners' face in her chest. He did not resist or apologize to me. I did not make a scene but I did let him know when we got home that this was crossing a line. He was angry with me for saying this and did not berate the "friend" for doing it. He would also start to talk to other women a lot when we were out, during our last half year and would be annoyed if I was upset he did not spend more time with me instead. He would also spend more time with his friends in general and would prioritize his friends in general, so i have to say it was not only the women I was bothered about. It was his lack of attention. Now I need to clarify, we only saw each other on the weekends, I would always use the bus to get there and then go back on a Sunday so I can go to work and attend classes. He visited me maybe 5 times during our relationship, and had to be asked to do so unless he was just sleeping over cause he was working close by. During the final months, we saw each other every 2 weeks, because I was working night shifts and weekends and he would not come to see me himself.So I thought it was understandable, that I wanted him to myself for maybe 1 day so we can spend time together without others. And if we did go out, for him to spend some time with me... he saw his friends all the time anyway. I felt left out and got jealous, though I am usually very easy going and never complain about such things.

-He would also play video games all day, every day after work. I don't mind, since I am a gamer too, but it felt like he prefered the games to me. To be fair, he also prefered them to his friends.

- If he was annoyed with me he would give me the silent treatment, or if he was stressed he would not reply to my general texts because, and I quote: "I had a stressful day, I didn't know what to say so I didn't. I am not angry with you." but it felt like it. It felt like I was being ignored each time I would complain about his neglect of me. Or would tell him I wished he would go to some evet with me.

- I asked him to text me more, because I miss him and getting good morning and good night texts mostly coming from me, was not enough. He did try for 1 week (which made me very happy) but then dumped me, via text, telling me he was sorry but he was not in love anymore. It was so sudden, his behaviour changed a bit, but generally he was always aloof and to be frank, selfish. I did not see it coming, since I asked him if he was okay on numerous occassions and he always let me believe he was just in a bad mood, or arguing with family. Not once did he let me believe something between us was not okay, he pretended all was well. So I was blindsided, hurt and devastated. He did not reply to my questions as to why and how long he knew this for hours, letting me stew. I told him to tell me this to my face because I deserved that much. He agreed but then avoided meeting me for 2 weeks. Mind you, I did not speak to him during this time, no texts, nothing, I refused to be "that"person who cries and begs their ex. I tried hard eough and always reached out before, I wanted him to for once, fight for us.

- Essentially, he told me I did nothing wrong, and there was no other woman. He was not made for relationships, he fell out of love but refused to tell me for months, even though I asked and he had chances to do so. He felt guilty about it and was probably avoiding me due to this. I believe he got scared, because we were getting serious, I was his first serious girlfriend, who loved him and treated him well. He told me he saw other couples, how they acted and how he thought we were not like them. That I was so in love and he was empty now.

- Really,I just believe he got cold feet and is not used to working for a relationship, since he left ALL of them and pretty much all were short terms. He met my family and even suggested our parents meeting months before dumping me (so you see why I thought he was invested). Once the honeymoon phase is over, he gives up. I know he is depressed (I asked him to go see a therapist on several occassions but he would not), but his abandonment hurt me very deeply.

- He did not tell anybody about this, even now, though I have. I have told his mother because she asked me when I am coming over so she can plan meals (his family and I had a great relationship; all superb people, even they were angry and blindsided by his decision), I have told our friends, when they asked where I was. I refuse to let him swipe this under the rug. He ruined us, he ruined me, never gave us a chance and then hid his decision. Probably because he knows his friends will tell him he is being stupid for leaving me, they could all see what a good team we were when he was not being aloof and how much I cared about him. How loving I was and supportive, always encouraging him to follow his dreams, being independent and always paying for my shares, making an effort to meet and bond with his friends and treating them well too, I am all he said he ever wanted but now he changed his mind???

-His best friend, honestly,probably has something to do with it. He is a womanizer who drinks all the time and treats women like matresses. He told me my ex probably just got bored, because,and I quote again: "All men are s, that is how we are. Don't know why people stay together. " Insanely stupid way of thinking. Him flaunting his life style all the time, telling him stories of some weird adventures he has with all these women.

We haven't spoken since he finally met me to return my stuff about 3 months ago. I refuse to reach out, he wants to talk to me, he knows where I am.

What I want to know is, if I was being unreasonable for demanding more attention and wanting to spend time with him alone? I don't think I am clingy but we rarely see our faults ourselves. I would never spam him, I was never possessive, always wished him to have a good time when he went out with his friends. If he went far I would ask him to send me a messsage when he got home, so I knew he was safe. I encouraged him to find a better job when he felt his old one was not getting him anywhere, told him not to de-value himself, that he was a good man worth so much more than his exes did for him, He even said I knew him better than anyone, that he was so happy he found me, and then, BOOM, dumped.

I am just so confused how this all happened. Sure, he was selfish, but he never hinted he was not happy with ME, not once.

Sorry for the long POST, and my rants. I would really like to hear any opinions on the matter. My mind is still too foggy to be able to tell, who was being unreasonable here. I would like to fix this, if I was being clingy, so my next does not suffer the aftermath. I know I have to fix my issues with being too lenient, but that is all I got for now.

You were not unreasonable in your desires for a present and attentive boyfriend, but you were absolutely barking up the wrong tree with this guy.

I have to say that I'm surprised you were blindsided with the break-up when there were so many signs that he just wasn't invested or interested anymore. He might not have had a problem with you personally, but it seems pretty clear that he'd been emotionally checked out for quite some time before he actually ended it.

It's understandable that you were hurt by his distant behaviour. But if you're looking for a long-term, mutually fulfilling relationship...this isn't the guy for it.

Thank you for your reply.

I would have to agree. It took me a long time to accept I could not have done much different than I did. One of my flaws is definitely being too lenient. I choose to ignore the red flags, so I can blame myself for that.

I suppose this experience will teach me a lesson not to believe words, but actions.

You deserve way more than this man was giving you.

Expect more from the next guy you date!

My last long term relationship died from like that. And I was Shattered!!!! And we tried reconciling a year later, I had never believed that he had stopped loving me it was so sudden. That reconciliation was an absolutely awful experience and how I felt when it failed was awful too and from first being dumped it's really taken about three years to move on. Don't waste a second more on wanting this bad-fit-for-you back. You absolutely get to want more interaction and affection from your partner. You'd only be in the wrong if you kept trying to get it out of this dead end.

*Jedi huuuugs*

What I want to say FIRST is that you really seem to be such a kind hearted and graceful person. You said "we rarely see our faults ourselves", and even though you went through all of these situations with him, you're still willing to take a step back and ask where your own heart lies and ask what part you played in the relationship. I genuinely hope you can show yourself grace and kindness while dealing with this because you most certainly deserve it. Too often people just place blame. Your perspective here was so refreshing to read, even though this is certainly not a great situation.

I think the details of your post show that this relationship appeared one sided. And maybe it is like you said...he had other influences on how he should behave or had mental issues while you were together, but at the end of the day, those things don't add up to a healthy relationship if both sides aren't willing to put the work into making it. I believe you're someone who is ready for something committed and serious and it just doesn't sound like you had a partner who acted the same. I've been praying for you the whole way through this thread, because I really believe you're about to walk into something better. Maybe that's a better relationship or maybe it's just better in general. Either way, I'm praying for those things for you!

You deserve way more than this man was giving you.

Expect more from the next guy you date!

Definitely, I will make sure I assert my needs much much sooner next time. My leniency was not helping the situation one bit.

My last long term relationship died from like that. And I was Shattered!!!! And we tried reconciling a year later, I had never believed that he had stopped loving me it was so sudden. That reconciliation was an absolutely awful experience and how I felt when it failed was awful too and from first being dumped it's really taken about three years to move on. Don't waste a second more on wanting this bad-fit-for-you back. You absolutely get to want more interaction and affection from your partner. You'd only be in the wrong if you kept trying to get it out of this dead end.

 

*Jedi huuuugs*

That is terrible, what happened to you. But you showed great capacity for love to be able to still fight for your ex then, it only shows you have a sincere heart. I hope you are doing well now and are much happier.

I am scared of this happening yes, that I will give him a chance to prove he is better than he used to be, that he loves me and it will all be a waste of time. To avoid this, I am taking a lot of time to myself. Hopefully, by this time next year all will be well and I won't be tempted one bit. Was it you who reached out that year later or was it them?

*Uses the Force to return massive Jedi hugs*

What I want to say FIRST is that you really seem to be such a kind hearted and graceful person. You said "we rarely see our faults ourselves", and even though you went through all of these situations with him, you're still willing to take a step back and ask where your own heart lies and ask what part you played in the relationship. I genuinely hope you can show yourself grace and kindness while dealing with this because you most certainly deserve it. Too often people just place blame. Your perspective here was so refreshing to read, even though this is certainly not a great situation.

 

I think the details of your post show that this relationship appeared one sided. And maybe it is like you said...he had other influences on how he should behave or had mental issues while you were together, but at the end of the day, those things don't add up to a healthy relationship if both sides aren't willing to put the work into making it. I believe you're someone who is ready for something committed and serious and it just doesn't sound like you had a partner who acted the same. I've been praying for you the whole way through this thread, because I really believe you're about to walk into something better. Maybe that's a better relationship or maybe it's just better in general. Either way, I'm praying for those things for you!

Thank you for your very kind words. I do try to be fair in all instances, it takes two to tango after all :) I agree, blame placing is all good, but we must also see our own mistakes, it is very rare to find one party to be to blame alone.

I am starting to see that more and more. I was willing, but he was never really a fighter when it came to relationships. Work, yes, friends, yes, but women? No, he would always rather give up. I should have expected not to be any different but lying to myself was easier.

Definitely - I know what I want: A family, pets, a shared living space with a loving and loyal partner and a good career. I am the type to go after the things I want, so I suppose I never thought he would be having doubts after he told me he was in love, I only say such things when I mean them.

I hope you are right, and thank you again for all the kindness! I will be thinking of you, hopefully you are met with much happiness and grace very soon!

Definitely, I will make sure I assert my needs much much sooner next time. My leniency was not helping the situation one bit.

 

But you did assert your needs.

He took me there next week but was grumpy the entire time and I could feel it... I did not think it was unreasonable to demand this of him, since he promised me

From what you described, you asserted your needs repeatedly, but what you failed to pick up on was this guy checked out a long time prior to breaking up with you.

I don't know why you would continue to demand anyone to pay attention to you. This one sided-ness seems to be a theme throughout your entire relationship, yet you are now blindsided by the fact that he's gone. That or it's his friends influence?

I don't mean to give you a hard time. You are clearly in enough discomfort, but please take away the lesson here.

You should never find yourself in another relationship unless things are equitable. You are both mutually invested in each others happiness and there are equal compromises and care for each other. If it isn't happening, then care enough about yourself to leave. Leave before they point out the obvious, that they weren't invested in you or the relationship to begin with.

From everything you describe I think he was behaving badly enough that he hoped you would leave, because most others would have not tolerated this neglect and still stayed for more.

I read your reply and took a while to think about it. You are right about me asserting my needs, but I should have done it more. I hate arguing, so I tend to avoid conflict. This is something I am working on now.

It was a theme with us but it was also a theme in his previous relationships, so I think it has much more to do with his innability to be vulnerable and put effort into relationships, than just anything to do with me. He told me he loved his exes dearly, and he was the same to them, so I am sure it is just who he is and how he deals with stress. He never was very compromising, he always avoided discomfort of any kind. This is why I did not panic or see his acting as weird, as I was told, he seemed very happy with me. He was checked out later, definitely, but his previous aloofness was mostly due to him just being emotionally completely closed off. So I did not see his recent distancing as anyting new or scary, he periodically did this when he had stress in his life, but never before was it due to me. So I assumed he was just decompressing again. Not sure about the friend thing 100%, but it really doesn't matter in the end, the result would have been the same, if he left due to cold feet, friends, boredom, what ever else, he still left. I am just sorry he did not tell me beforehand,what the problem was.

I agree, I should not have put in so much effort, while he did not. It did make me feel bad to ask for attention, so this feeling will be noted and I will do all I can to avoid it in the future.

Don't worry, I appreciate honesty very much, I am glad you are speaking your mind. We need to hear the truth, even if it is not what we want to hear.

He might have been doing that yes. I thought about it. But then, why would he try to do as I asked for that week before the BU, too communicate more? He is confusing. I think the effort just scared him, he likes things done his way, on his terms. He noticed I was not pleased by his neglect and chose to leave me so he would not need to focus on my needs and in turn, focus on his verious stresses in life at the moment. Who knows really...I doubt he knows himself. He never did know what he wanted. His life is stressful at the moment, so the easiest thing to change was me. The easiest source of perceived stress he could remove was us.

I know you are still processing this, but please know that when all is said and done there is not much to be learned by focusing on another persons behavior.

When things calm down some turn that focus back on yourself and challenge yourself with some introspection and questions.

Why did you go on with this for so long?

Why is it about you that you didn't believe you deserved better?

Etc.

Answering these questions is where the growth is.

Summing him up serves no purpose. . .other than to spot someone like him next time.

But you were attracted and invested to all of this, after all. Figure out why so you don't do it again.

Yeah, I am still processing. It is getting easier but I still think about it a lot. That's true, we can only control ourselves. I wish I was not so blind during it, but I won't be next time.

I have made an appointment for a therapist, so believe me, I will get to the bottom of this. I have an idea why, but I would like professional help and maybe some input on how to change effectively. I have some traumas from my past that are the likely source for most of my troubles, so I assume this will be something I need to work on the most. Weirdly, I am very confident when it comes to my intelligence and worth as a person, but as a woman? Not so much.

Yeah, I am still processing. It is getting easier but I still think about it a lot. That's true, we can only control ourselves. I wish I was not so blind during it, but I won't be next time.

 

I have made an appointment for a therapist, so believe me, I will get to the bottom of this. I have an idea why, but I would like professional help and maybe some input on how to change effectively. I have some traumas from my past that are the likely source for most of my troubles, so I assume this will be something I need to work on the most. Weirdly, I am very confident when it comes to my intelligence and worth as a person, but as a woman? Not so much.

Therapy is a brave and worthwhile investment.

I wish you much luck on your journey.

Very :) I am excited to start it.

Thank you very much for your advice and kind words. Much luck to you as well.