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Thread: Desperate confusion.

  1. #1
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    Desperate confusion.

    My boyfriend (24) and I (27) have been together for almost 3 years. We broke up just 3 days ago. The break up was semi mutual. What I mean by that is I suggested a break up out of pure desperation for change and he agreed. He packed his bags and left. We were having deep, deep communication issues. He would disassociate when problems came up. Iím a talker. I believe that itís better to communicate about an issue, no matter how difficult it may be. Itís better than suppressing all feelings and blowing up later, right? All of our conversations went like this ó He either becomes defensive and just argues anything I am saying, or he doesnít talk at all. I then become so frustrated that I started to cry and nothing get resolved. We ignore each other for the rest of the day and right before bed, he would apologize and we would go to sleep. Nothing really gets talked about or resolved, so thereís obviously no change. I just surpress everything. In turn, I AM UPSET ALL THE TIME. We either donít talk at all or we fight. He says he loves me and would love to stay together, but he ďdoesnít feel like his communication is something he wants to fix right nowĒ I know there is no way a relationship can survive without communication so I brought up breaking up. I know this is the right thing to do but why do I feel like I was just broken up with. Why do I feel so rejected? Why am I rethinking all my decisions and thinking it was my fault he wasnít communicating? Why am I now trying to text him and heís being the cold one?

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    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Even though it sounds like you're wrong for each other on every level, it's common to care for someone you've spent 3 years with. He didn't care enough to work on problems, and seemed relieved to walk away. He's now cold because you suggested the breakup but are trying to keep the connection, and he's trying to achieve closure.

    You did the right thing breaking up. He's not willing to put in any effort, meaning he doesn't love you. Go no contact, since you won't be able to mourn and therefor get to the healing part. Expect to be upset a good 4 to 6 months, which is normal, but then you should get to a point where you should stop thinking of him daily and enjoying life without him. Time to pamper yourself and spend time with girlfriends/interests/hobbies. Take care.

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    Platinum Member Carus's Avatar
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    I agree with Andrina* And sorry to say, at 3 days you're still right in the thick of it.

    After 3 years it will be physically impossible for him to just forget you and if he misses you enough he MAY come back and want to work on things....

    And the only way he'll miss you enough is if you're no longer around.

    NC is damn hard as you'll come to see but it's definitely the best path away from the fire.

    Again this is early days so I would highly expect some contact to come in, but you will have to still be extremely cautious because he'll probably be 'cat pawing' and breadcrumbing you and will then eventually wean off you and leave you to go down with the ship!

    Take care of yourself. Sleep and eat the best you can. Your body will need good fuel and rest to get through this. Stay off the alcohol. Drink lots of fresh water. Go for a reflective walk when you can.

    And of course, stay away from his FB or Instagram etc!

    Sending you strength for the journey ahead.

    Carus*

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Sorry this is happening. Did you live together? Did the issues revolve around that or goals, future, marriage kids, etc.? You did the right thing. He seems quite checked out and as though he's just been coasting along until you pull the plug. He seems too immature for you and not as invested as you are. Is all his stuff out of your place?
    Originally Posted by zerepgf
    My boyfriend (24) and I (27) have been together for almost 3 years. He packed his bags and left. We were having deep, deep communication issues. He says he loves me and would love to stay together, but he ďdoesnít feel like his communication is something he wants to fix right nowĒ .

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    To me, serious communication issues essentially means incompatibility. It's not hard to communicate when the two people in question are compatible and have similar views on important things in life. If it was this easy for him to walk away.. he didn't care all that much in the first place..

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    We did live together. He took his stuff the day we broke up. Everything is fine. I have 2 kids from a previous relationship. The issues would be normal issues but would turn into huge huge issues because nothing at all was getting resolved. I just donít understand, we had many talks where I would tell him that if he want in it anymore, he could leave. But he always reassured me that he loved me and really wanted to work on his issues. Butlike I said, the day we broke up, he said he doesnít feel like his issues are something he wants to fix. I donít understand.

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    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    OP it's normal to have regrets after a break up. It's not all your fault or all his fault... unfortunately it sounds like you weren't compatible and that perhaps both of you had been pushing past things that made you uncomfortable in order to make the relationship work. Fighting all the time is draining and is usually a sign that one or both parties are unwilling to change their behavior. The way you describe the relationship, it seems like there were a number of problems that eventually became overwhelming for both of you.

    Go no contact as others have suggested and give yourself time to process the reality of the relationship and whether or not you can see yourself long term with this person. No matter how much he loves you, and tries to work on his communication, at the end of the day he is who he is and it will probably never be what you want it to be.

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    It's been my experience, both personal and from what I've read of the countless anecdotal stories of others, is that "generally speaking" guys tend to be less emotional and communicative then women. I'm certainly part of that group. Girls like to talk about their feelings, and the cause of disagreements, and they like to talk about love and romance, and they can go on for hours or even days, whereas guys tend to want to quickly fix what's broken and move on. This often results in the woman feeling like there's not enough talking and communication and the guy thinking she wants to go over these stuff way too much, too often and at the very least it's uncomfortable and at worst, she's sounding like a nag.

    It can still work. I've seen and read about 30 year relationships where the guy hardly talks about anything and the woman understands he's got his limits and she finds a way to be ok with it. Me, I'm something in between. I can talk about feelings and problems for 5-10 minutes tops then whats for dinner. I was with a girl for almost 2 years and then I kicked her to the curb because I couldn't take the incessant blathering about communication in a relationship and how I need to open up more and talk about my feelings and blah blah blah.

    In your case there seems to be a lot of conflict. With me there's hardly any but things come up now and again. You gotta figure out if you get another shot at it, if it's worth living like this knowing it's not going to change.


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