Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 21

Thread: Divorcing due to alcoholism and lack of trust

  1. #1
    Gold Member rokston's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    London, UK
    Age
    40
    Posts
    805
    Gender
    Male

    Divorcing due to alcoholism and lack of trust

    Hi there! It has been about ten years since I have posted here but I now find myself back in the situation where some thoughts and council would help :)

    I've filed for divorce from my wife of 3 years. The main reason is alcholism combined with bulimia and depression/anxiety. A cocktail of issues that is apparently common and from my personal experience is very challenging to deal with.

    She moved in with me as a girlfriend just over three years ago. I witnessed the alcohol abuse immediately. But thought we would be able to overcome it. We married, despite significant anxiety on my part and me clearly stating that I could only see things working out if this issue got addressed. Over the several years, it never really went away. It would rear its ugly head from time to time, I would be anxious when travelling for work about what is happening at home etc. But things really rapidly declined last summer. I started frequently finding her passed out in bed with a bottle next to it when I would come from work. Frequent sneaking out and coming home hammered after walking the dog and so forth. It eventually got so bad that she was bed bound, police and ambulance were called several times, she was suicidal and depressed. Basically awful stuff. Eventually she agreed to go to the hospital, was medically detoxed and the agreed to go to rehab.

    During rehab, I really had my first chance for months to not be in crisis mode saving her. I thought about things long and hard and decided that I needed time to heal and also needed some security to not be legally bound to her. So I explained to her that I want a divorce and that I want us to live apart. That in time, maybe trust can be rebuilt but that I need to recover and that we need a very different relationship if we were to try again.

    She seemed to understand, although did not communicate much with me on it. But that was typical of her inability to open emotionally. I visited every opportunity at rehab and offered all the support I can give to ensure she did not feel abandoned. Unfortunately, she relapsed immediatelly on coming out. She blamed it on me, which I can understand. Finally I convinced to go back home to her folks for stability, who live in another country, she relapsed severely there too and is now in another rehab.

    Yet, despite all this, I do feel conflicted on my decisions. Maybe less so now that I write them down. But I feel sad, anxious, miss her etc and I am not entirely sure why given that I know I was not happy in the relationship - I was frustrated, felt worried, felt we had no chance to build stability and move forward.

    Guess, I am looking for wise words. Maybe some previous experience. I am not sure..

    Thanks a lot.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,488
    Wise words:

    Research codependent relationships.

  3. #3
    Gold Member rokston's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    London, UK
    Age
    40
    Posts
    805
    Gender
    Male
    Thanks! I have indeed read a lot about them, basically have read more about psychology and psychiatry recently than I expected I would be :) Fully aware that there are aspects to this that were codependent and that I was a caregiver and possibly an enabler. Just still find it difficult to take a firm stance on "I am better without her or do not miss her".

  4. #4
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,488
    Which is why you need to actually absorb the information. You are convincing yourself you're simply a bystander to 'her' drama, when from the sounds of it, you were an active participant. You werent possibly an enabler, you were an enabler.

    You married her knowing full well she was an alcoholic. You became her caretaker instead of her partner.

    Its going to be hard to convince yourself "I am better without her or do not miss her" when you dont see what lead you to think it was a good idea to not only involve yourself with but marry an addict.

    They actually have rehabilitation programs for the families and partners of addicts for this very reason, the addict got that way with help and everyone has to unlearn a lot.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    Posts
    14,682
    Originally Posted by rokston
    Yet, despite all this, I do feel conflicted on my decisions..
    Don't. You absolutely did the right thing and it's time for you to now move on with no looking back. Ever.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    21,341
    You should have never gotten involved with this woman. She had a boatload of issues from the beginning, and it will not change.

    You need to address your co dependency, as it has blinded you to the obvious. Get some counseling and stay single for a long time. Your picker is way off, as you seem to be attracted to a toxic dynamic.

  8. #7
    Gold Member rokston's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    London, UK
    Age
    40
    Posts
    805
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Which is why you need to actually absorb the information. You are convincing yourself you're simply a bystander to 'her' drama, when from the sounds of it, you were an active participant. You werent possibly an enabler, you were an enabler.

    You married her knowing full well she was an alcoholic. You became her caretaker instead of her partner.

    Its going to be hard to convince yourself "I am better without her or do not miss her" when you dont see what lead you to think it was a good idea to not only involve yourself with but marry an addict.

    They actually have rehabilitation programs for the families and partners of addicts for this very reason, the addict got that way with help and everyone has to unlearn a lot.
    Wise words. The situation was complex but indeed a lot of self reflection needed on why I thought it would be different or I could help. Guess at the time I was nowhere near as clued up on things as I am now and I was naive in thinking offering stability could be a platform to build upwards.

  9. #8
    Gold Member rokston's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    London, UK
    Age
    40
    Posts
    805
    Gender
    Male
    Definitely true in parts. Think a big part of sticking with it was that she moved countries, the issue manifested once she was with me, but I felt guilty to end things given that someone had moved their life and so I kept delaying and thinking it would get better. So I wouldnt say I was blind, but perhaps a bit stupid and definitely adopted the "recuer" role which is of course enabling. In hingsight, many things should have been different.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2017
    Posts
    4,488
    Originally Posted by rokston
    Wise words. The situation was complex but indeed a lot of self reflection needed on why I thought it would be different or I could help. Guess at the time I was nowhere near as clued up on things as I am now and I was naive in thinking offering stability could be a platform to build upwards.
    Yeah Iím far from an expert but I think thatís what codependents tell themselves that they are being selfless, martyrs, often they create situations where they are needed. I think Addict is a very popular one.

    Youíre still in the early stages so yes definitely keep reminding yourself why youíre a bad match but eventually youíre going to have to acknowledge what part you played in All this Or you will either go back to her or repeat this cycle somebody new

  11. #10
    Gold Member rokston's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2007
    Location
    London, UK
    Age
    40
    Posts
    805
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by figureitout23
    Yeah Iím far from an expert but I think thatís what codependents tell themselves that they are being selfless, martyrs, often they create situations where they are needed. I think Addict is a very popular one.

    Youíre still in the early stages so yes definitely keep reminding yourself why youíre a bad match but eventually youíre going to have to acknowledge what part you played in All this Or you will either go back to her or repeat this cycle somebody new
    Guess every situation is different. I can definitely idenitfy with some of the labels for being the martyr or the hero just like the addict identifies with other roles like only caring for others etc. These are all part of some psychology models for the roles people assume in unhealthy relationships, not even necessarily codependent ones. Other things, I definitely do not identify with, e.g. creating situations to be needed etc, if anything being needed or recuing situations was incredibly frustrating and annoying and made me feel like I was not living my own life but constantly stuck in an irrational trap that I couldnt escape without hurting the person and not sure if she could take it. For sure stuff to reflect on.

    Wonder sometimes if I miss just being in a relationship or really her or maybe both. Early days, I guess as you say. Definitely dont miss the drama but something about waving a magic wand and remembering things to be more perfect than they were seems to be recurring.

Page 1 of 3 123 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •