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Divorcing due to alcoholism and lack of trust


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Hi there! It has been about ten years since I have posted here but I now find myself back in the situation where some thoughts and council would help :)

 

I've filed for divorce from my wife of 3 years. The main reason is alcholism combined with bulimia and depression/anxiety. A cocktail of issues that is apparently common and from my personal experience is very challenging to deal with.

 

She moved in with me as a girlfriend just over three years ago. I witnessed the alcohol abuse immediately. But thought we would be able to overcome it. We married, despite significant anxiety on my part and me clearly stating that I could only see things working out if this issue got addressed. Over the several years, it never really went away. It would rear its ugly head from time to time, I would be anxious when travelling for work about what is happening at home etc. But things really rapidly declined last summer. I started frequently finding her passed out in bed with a bottle next to it when I would come from work. Frequent sneaking out and coming home hammered after walking the dog and so forth. It eventually got so bad that she was bed bound, police and ambulance were called several times, she was suicidal and depressed. Basically awful stuff. Eventually she agreed to go to the hospital, was medically detoxed and the agreed to go to rehab.

 

During rehab, I really had my first chance for months to not be in crisis mode saving her. I thought about things long and hard and decided that I needed time to heal and also needed some security to not be legally bound to her. So I explained to her that I want a divorce and that I want us to live apart. That in time, maybe trust can be rebuilt but that I need to recover and that we need a very different relationship if we were to try again.

 

She seemed to understand, although did not communicate much with me on it. But that was typical of her inability to open emotionally. I visited every opportunity at rehab and offered all the support I can give to ensure she did not feel abandoned. Unfortunately, she relapsed immediatelly on coming out. She blamed it on me, which I can understand. Finally I convinced to go back home to her folks for stability, who live in another country, she relapsed severely there too and is now in another rehab.

 

Yet, despite all this, I do feel conflicted on my decisions. Maybe less so now that I write them down. But I feel sad, anxious, miss her etc and I am not entirely sure why given that I know I was not happy in the relationship - I was frustrated, felt worried, felt we had no chance to build stability and move forward.

 

Guess, I am looking for wise words. Maybe some previous experience. I am not sure..

 

Thanks a lot.

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Thanks! I have indeed read a lot about them, basically have read more about psychology and psychiatry recently than I expected I would be :) Fully aware that there are aspects to this that were codependent and that I was a caregiver and possibly an enabler. Just still find it difficult to take a firm stance on "I am better without her or do not miss her".

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Which is why you need to actually absorb the information. You are convincing yourself you're simply a bystander to 'her' drama, when from the sounds of it, you were an active participant. You werent possibly an enabler, you were an enabler.

 

You married her knowing full well she was an alcoholic. You became her caretaker instead of her partner.

 

Its going to be hard to convince yourself "I am better without her or do not miss her" when you dont see what lead you to think it was a good idea to not only involve yourself with but marry an addict.

 

They actually have rehabilitation programs for the families and partners of addicts for this very reason, the addict got that way with help and everyone has to unlearn a lot.

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You should have never gotten involved with this woman. She had a boatload of issues from the beginning, and it will not change.

 

You need to address your co dependency, as it has blinded you to the obvious. Get some counseling and stay single for a long time. Your picker is way off, as you seem to be attracted to a toxic dynamic.

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Which is why you need to actually absorb the information. You are convincing yourself you're simply a bystander to 'her' drama, when from the sounds of it, you were an active participant. You werent possibly an enabler, you were an enabler.

 

You married her knowing full well she was an alcoholic. You became her caretaker instead of her partner.

 

Its going to be hard to convince yourself "I am better without her or do not miss her" when you dont see what lead you to think it was a good idea to not only involve yourself with but marry an addict.

 

They actually have rehabilitation programs for the families and partners of addicts for this very reason, the addict got that way with help and everyone has to unlearn a lot.

 

Wise words. The situation was complex but indeed a lot of self reflection needed on why I thought it would be different or I could help. Guess at the time I was nowhere near as clued up on things as I am now and I was naive in thinking offering stability could be a platform to build upwards.

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Definitely true in parts. Think a big part of sticking with it was that she moved countries, the issue manifested once she was with me, but I felt guilty to end things given that someone had moved their life and so I kept delaying and thinking it would get better. So I wouldnt say I was blind, but perhaps a bit stupid and definitely adopted the "recuer" role which is of course enabling. In hingsight, many things should have been different.

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Wise words. The situation was complex but indeed a lot of self reflection needed on why I thought it would be different or I could help. Guess at the time I was nowhere near as clued up on things as I am now and I was naive in thinking offering stability could be a platform to build upwards.

 

Yeah I’m far from an expert but I think that’s what codependents tell themselves that they are being selfless, martyrs, often they create situations where they are needed. I think Addict is a very popular one.

 

You’re still in the early stages so yes definitely keep reminding yourself why you’re a bad match but eventually you’re going to have to acknowledge what part you played in All this Or you will either go back to her or repeat this cycle somebody new

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Yeah I’m far from an expert but I think that’s what codependents tell themselves that they are being selfless, martyrs, often they create situations where they are needed. I think Addict is a very popular one.

 

You’re still in the early stages so yes definitely keep reminding yourself why you’re a bad match but eventually you’re going to have to acknowledge what part you played in All this Or you will either go back to her or repeat this cycle somebody new

 

Guess every situation is different. I can definitely idenitfy with some of the labels for being the martyr or the hero just like the addict identifies with other roles like only caring for others etc. These are all part of some psychology models for the roles people assume in unhealthy relationships, not even necessarily codependent ones. Other things, I definitely do not identify with, e.g. creating situations to be needed etc, if anything being needed or recuing situations was incredibly frustrating and annoying and made me feel like I was not living my own life but constantly stuck in an irrational trap that I couldnt escape without hurting the person and not sure if she could take it. For sure stuff to reflect on.

 

Wonder sometimes if I miss just being in a relationship or really her or maybe both. Early days, I guess as you say. Definitely dont miss the drama but something about waving a magic wand and remembering things to be more perfect than they were seems to be recurring.

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The lesson here is somethign all of us can learn and fall victim to:

 

It never works to be with somebody you wish to transform into the perfect partner you ultimately see. If you find yourself playing the game of planning what you want to chnage about an s/o to make them perfect - you should leave them and look elsewhere.

Always realize that the person you are with today, you have to assume will be that person forever - and you must either accept them as is, or decide you can't and let them go.

 

So i don't mean to pick on you - this is somethign we've all fallen trap to and continue to. We all need to stop it.

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The lesson here is somethign all of us can learn and fall victim to:

 

It never works to be with somebody you wish to transform into the perfect partner you ultimately see. If you find yourself playing the game of planning what you want to chnage about an s/o to make them perfect - you should leave them and look elsewhere.

Always realize that the person you are with today, you have to assume will be that person forever - and you must either accept them as is, or decide you can't and let them go.

 

So i don't mean to pick on you - this is somethign we've all fallen trap to and continue to. We all need to stop it.

 

Such true words! At my age and being around the block a few times, I really should have known better. Somehow, I managed to convince myself that it was different because she had moved countries (with the kitchen sink, which I didnt ask for) and I felt guilty to call it quits as she was pulling the drama card and saying she had nowhere to go etc.

 

Turns out the wise old cliches and warning words do hold true over time.

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Hey OP,

 

I found this forum today whilst trying to find solitude in posts from people in similar situations to myself. I was completely gobsmacked after reading your post due to the similarities of my current situation. My ex and I were together for 7 years, our relationship flourished after first becoming best friends and then went on to become full-time, live-in partners. When we first met, we both drank heavily on a nightly basis, this was due to the fact that I had moved to a new city (where I had first met her) for my job. The excitement with moving to a new city with new clubs, bars, restaurants etc got the better of me, l didn't realise at that point that my ex partner already had an issue with alcohol and it began rubbing off on me. My ex also suffers with bulimia and has had a very troubled upbringing. After a year or so, I put my foot down and said the drinking had to stop. I stopped drinking anything at all during the week and kept to weekends, she did not like this. She began doing "live-in jobs", working and living in hotels and the relationship went long distance for a while. I now know that she was doing this to run away from her problems, although they always found her and she lost every single "live-in job" that she got after only a month or so of working there due to her alcoholism. Each time she would come back and I would pick up the pieces.

 

The last time this happened (only last year) I had said I didn't want to be with her anymore if she didn't stop drinking as she had already been through rehab and relapsed, so she once again got another "live-in" job and moved away with us being in NC. A month or two down the line, she lost the job again, for the same reasons and said she had nowhere to stay, I said she could come back and stay with me for a few days until she found somewhere else to go. Basically, she came back for more than a few days and the alcoholism was the worst it had ever been. She had seizures if she didn't drink 1liter of Vodka a day. I told her she was going to die. She was ill. To cut a long story short, without going into too much detail (for legal reasons) I now have a permanent facial scar across my forehead, which she did so that she could get locked or "sectioned" to stop herself from being able to buy alcohol.

 

Several months passed and she is now going through recovery, she has been sober for 3 months now. Unbelievably though, she has now dumped me. After everything I did for her during the 7 years, she has upped and left me. I am now the one left in disbelief, feeling used, rejected and also permanently physically and emotionally scarred. I can't help but feel like I'd like everything to crumble down for her again but if I'm totally honest with myself, I don't want it to. I have to try and wish her the best (as hard as that is!) I bumped into her recently for the first time in around 2 months and she was really uncomfortable but we had a conversation for a few minutes. She said "you know its done, done. Right?" and I just couldn't believe how unemotional she seemed.

 

Sorry for the long post but codependent relationships are tough, I've since read a lot about this. I'm in the same boat. Also, alcoholism and bulimia etc can be excruciatingly hard to live with. Although I was, and possibly still am, willing to give it another shot. But who knows when or whether a relapse will happen again further down the line.

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But who knows when or whether a relapse will happen again further down the line.

 

Your story rings to close to home in many ways. On this particular point, I will give you the advice that's constantly given to me and that is - the likelihood is that relapses will happen, even if we are positive about recovery, and imagine if these are paired up with kids or with some other life challenge. Perhaps it really isnt worth revisiting.

 

Despite missing my ex and doubting and flipiing and flopping over my decision, I do deep down believe the most likely chance for recovery is a total fresh start for them. Overcoming ingrained behaviors and relationship dynamics is hard enough itself withou the significant problems that addictions bring. Maybe a total revamp is their chance to start anew and build onwards without facing guilt, shame, or other feelings on a constant basis at the same time.

 

While I miss her terribly daily and mull over my choice, when I think through the above it does still make sense to me. Plus then you can start questioning what is that you actually miss or want to give another chance, surely not the destruction and watching someone you love slowly kill themselves in front of you - my ex was also in seizures territory and in similar quantities, where there is only one outcome which can just occur many different ways.

 

As for the similarities, mate, there are many. We also used to go to bars all the time. Either travelling for work or for fun. There was always an excuse to do it regularly. When we started living in the same city (and together) and I stepped back because it was real life and not holiday or adventure mode, that's when the cracks began. So while I was at work, she could drink quietly. Also losing jobs or avoiding them. When I gave up for long periods, she didnt. When I stopped druing the week, she didnt. When we stopped keeping drink at home, she snuck off and drank it secretly. Slowly making the relationship silent, frustrating, non-sensible and grossly misalinged with the rest of my life (friends, professionally successful etc). So why miss them?! lol :)

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Don't feel guilty. Read up on alcoholism. You are doing her a huge favor and a step toward sobriety. Read up on "rock bottom". This is when slowly but surely they start losing things. Job, health, friends, family, spouses, licences, money, freedom etc. Perhaps this is the wake up call she needs to get and stay sober. Read up on enabling. Attend an Al-Anon meeting to do some self exploration. Worry about yourself, not her. She will have to get her act together or face consequences. You, however may need to explore your role in this whole dynamic so you don't repeat this.

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Don't feel guilty. Read up on alcoholism. You are doing her a huge favor and a step toward sobriety. Read up on "rock bottom". This is when slowly but surely they start losing things. Job, health, friends, family, spouses, licences, money, freedom etc. Perhaps this is the wake up call she needs to get and stay sober. Read up on enabling. Attend an Al-Anon meeting to do some self exploration. Worry about yourself, not her. She will have to get her act together or face consequences. You, however may need to explore your role in this whole dynamic so you don't repeat this.

 

Thanks a lot! I have been doing all of those things including therapy and couceling and they have helped me work through the guilt for the most part. Think now I am just in missing her territory or at least missing what could have been, waving the magic wand and remembering the hopes and dreams rather than the frustrations and reality. Certainly helps me to write and bring those aspects back to the fore.

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Thanks for sharing Rokston, its astounding how similar our situations, especially the last part of what you wrote. Sneaking off and drinking secretly, lies, deceit and the relationship becoming stale and unmanageable. I guess I worry that whilst she was working away for prolonged periods in hotels, how do I know she didn't also cheat on me whilst under the influence? It frustrates me that now she is 3 months sober, she all of a sudden no longer wants to be with me. Now that she has become the person I always wished she would be (sober, focused, ambitious etc) I am banished from her life. I did everything for her, supported her throughout it all. I guess I get solace in that thought. If nothing else, I can say I went above and beyond.

 

In terms of what I miss, I guess just all of the happy times. There were a HUGE amount of good times over 7 years before it eventually turned sour. It was my first real, long-term relationship so this is my first ever experience of a breakup. From what I've gathered, my mind will continue to remember only the good times and not the awful times towards the end until I heal and let go. I bumped into her recently in the street which was awkward but we talked for a few minutes, she talked about how there was so much bad in the relationship, I said "don't forget all the good times too", she replied "I cant think about that, otherwise I'll end up buying a bottle and relapsing". It hurt to hear that she is only focusing on the bad, but in hindsight, its more important for her to stay sober and if that's what it takes so be it. Its unbelievably hard to go from living with someone for 7 years, sharing a bed, mutual friends and family ties etc to being abandoned and left alone. Especially in a city that isn't your home town with no family nearby to help me heal. The struggle continues but I wake up each morning and carry on another day.

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Hi Rokston,

 

Fellow codependent here, nice to meet you. In fact, much of your experience mirrors my own. Firstly, you seem like an incredibly kind and conscientious individual (dat me), and secondly, miss and love your partner despite the relationship being largely one-sided with little effort on her part to seriously amend her ways. I don't mean to blame her in any way, but you have done enough to try and save the relationship and there comes a point whereby you have exhausted every avenue and realise with a eureka moment that you can't change a person.

 

My recent ex is alcohol-dependent. Not to the same extent as your wife, but I have seen him drunk/ passed out on the floor more times than I would have chosen. As a non-drinker myself, it is difficult to determine what is 'excessive' but when someone can't go one day without drinking, I think that is unhealthy. What's more, the lifestyle that came along with this: the need to be out socialising all the time, constantly donning a mask and putting up a pretence in every situation, is not conducive to real intimacy. His neglectful behaviours, prioritising alcohol over me and the difference in our lifestyles drove a wedge between us. From your post, it seems like all your energy has been placed on your wife who is putting a lot more energy into herself than she is reciprocating your love. Personally, I miss the companionship, but I do not miss the person or the drama that surrounded him. I know peace and solace will come in time. I think you know this yourself but it's a massive adjustment at first and sometimes, drama seems preferable to being alone. Look after yourself xx

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Hi Rokston,

 

Fellow codependent here, nice to meet you. In fact, much of your experience mirrors my own. Firstly, you seem like an incredibly kind and conscientious individual (dat me), and secondly, miss and love your partner despite the relationship being largely one-sided with little effort on her part to seriously amend her ways. I don't mean to blame her in any way, but you have done enough to try and save the relationship and there comes a point whereby you have exhausted every avenue and realise with a eureka moment that you can't change a person.

 

My recent ex is alcohol-dependent. Not to the same extent as your wife, but I have seen him drunk/ passed out on the floor more times than I would have chosen. As a non-drinker myself, it is difficult to determine what is 'excessive' but when someone can't go one day without drinking, I think that is unhealthy. What's more, the lifestyle that came along with this: the need to be out socialising all the time, constantly donning a mask and putting up a pretence in every situation, is not conducive to real intimacy. His neglectful behaviours, prioritising alcohol over me and the difference in our lifestyles drove a wedge between us. From your post, it seems like all your energy has been placed on your wife who is putting a lot more energy into herself than she is reciprocating your love. Personally, I miss the companionship, but I do not miss the person or the drama that surrounded him. I know peace and solace will come in time. I think you know this yourself but it's a massive adjustment at first and sometimes, drama seems preferable to being alone. Look after yourself xx

 

Thanks for the kind words Jenberry! Think a real challenge in our type of situation is the three way nature of the relationships. The alcoholic, the bringer or drama, craziness and uncertainty, was a constant participant. Hence when we miss or think back, you sometimes remember the real person without the problem, and sometimes the illness and the erratic flux it brought to it all. It basically means that the stability and consistency of really knowing what was going on is not really normal or logical to even remember because the partner themselves was not behaving as one stable person but a duality of personalities and behaviors.

 

Definitely do not miss the drama, uncertainty or frustration about watching self- and relationship-destructive behaviors and having no influence on finding a solution or helping to find strength and will for them to deal with their issue and find a healthier, positive way of living.

 

Stay strong and look after yourself, you are doing the only sensible and wise thing!

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Thanks for sharing Rokston, its astounding how similar our situations, especially the last part of what you wrote. Sneaking off and drinking secretly, lies, deceit and the relationship becoming stale and unmanageable. I guess I worry that whilst she was working away for prolonged periods in hotels, how do I know she didn't also cheat on me whilst under the influence? It frustrates me that now she is 3 months sober, she all of a sudden no longer wants to be with me. Now that she has become the person I always wished she would be (sober, focused, ambitious etc) I am banished from her life. I did everything for her, supported her throughout it all. I guess I get solace in that thought. If nothing else, I can say I went above and beyond.

 

In terms of what I miss, I guess just all of the happy times. There were a HUGE amount of good times over 7 years before it eventually turned sour. It was my first real, long-term relationship so this is my first ever experience of a breakup. From what I've gathered, my mind will continue to remember only the good times and not the awful times towards the end until I heal and let go. I bumped into her recently in the street which was awkward but we talked for a few minutes, she talked about how there was so much bad in the relationship, I said "don't forget all the good times too", she replied "I cant think about that, otherwise I'll end up buying a bottle and relapsing". It hurt to hear that she is only focusing on the bad, but in hindsight, its more important for her to stay sober and if that's what it takes so be it. Its unbelievably hard to go from living with someone for 7 years, sharing a bed, mutual friends and family ties etc to being abandoned and left alone. Especially in a city that isn't your home town with no family nearby to help me heal. The struggle continues but I wake up each morning and carry on another day.

 

You are so right to focus on the most important thing - for them to save their own life and stay sober - even if the relationship does not survive this. In the end, all things considered, this is something so positive to take from it and hope that it lasts. In her journey of recovery, different thoughts and ways of thinking will emerge and she may be able to process or speak with you in a different way down the line. It will likely take a long time though and you need to move forward with your life! I genuinely keep repeating this to myself, I know my ex has not got to the point of processing all that happened, I am not even sure she if fully committed to helping herself, I just hope she does and I think in the future she may see different things in all that happened - not just feel sorry for herself and blame it all on others.

 

As for thinking about what happened while they were off the rails.. I guess it is natural but at the same time, there is no point. They probably dont even know themselves for much of it. I know my ex would not remember everything she did, sometimes on purpose, sometimes just didnt. In the end whether it is abusing, destrcutive or something else, it doesnt matter - it is all just unmanagable and something that you should be glad to be free of!

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