Originally Posted by legaz264
Thanks for sharing Rokston, its astounding how similar our situations, especially the last part of what you wrote. Sneaking off and drinking secretly, lies, deceit and the relationship becoming stale and unmanageable. I guess I worry that whilst she was working away for prolonged periods in hotels, how do I know she didn't also cheat on me whilst under the influence? It frustrates me that now she is 3 months sober, she all of a sudden no longer wants to be with me. Now that she has become the person I always wished she would be (sober, focused, ambitious etc) I am banished from her life. I did everything for her, supported her throughout it all. I guess I get solace in that thought. If nothing else, I can say I went above and beyond.

In terms of what I miss, I guess just all of the happy times. There were a HUGE amount of good times over 7 years before it eventually turned sour. It was my first real, long-term relationship so this is my first ever experience of a breakup. From what I've gathered, my mind will continue to remember only the good times and not the awful times towards the end until I heal and let go. I bumped into her recently in the street which was awkward but we talked for a few minutes, she talked about how there was so much bad in the relationship, I said "don't forget all the good times too", she replied "I cant think about that, otherwise I'll end up buying a bottle and relapsing". It hurt to hear that she is only focusing on the bad, but in hindsight, its more important for her to stay sober and if that's what it takes so be it. Its unbelievably hard to go from living with someone for 7 years, sharing a bed, mutual friends and family ties etc to being abandoned and left alone. Especially in a city that isn't your home town with no family nearby to help me heal. The struggle continues but I wake up each morning and carry on another day.
You are so right to focus on the most important thing - for them to save their own life and stay sober - even if the relationship does not survive this. In the end, all things considered, this is something so positive to take from it and hope that it lasts. In her journey of recovery, different thoughts and ways of thinking will emerge and she may be able to process or speak with you in a different way down the line. It will likely take a long time though and you need to move forward with your life! I genuinely keep repeating this to myself, I know my ex has not got to the point of processing all that happened, I am not even sure she if fully committed to helping herself, I just hope she does and I think in the future she may see different things in all that happened - not just feel sorry for herself and blame it all on others.

As for thinking about what happened while they were off the rails.. I guess it is natural but at the same time, there is no point. They probably dont even know themselves for much of it. I know my ex would not remember everything she did, sometimes on purpose, sometimes just didnt. In the end whether it is abusing, destrcutive or something else, it doesnt matter - it is all just unmanagable and something that you should be glad to be free of!