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Thread: Divorcing due to alcoholism and lack of trust

  1. #11
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    The lesson here is somethign all of us can learn and fall victim to:

    It never works to be with somebody you wish to transform into the perfect partner you ultimately see. If you find yourself playing the game of planning what you want to chnage about an s/o to make them perfect - you should leave them and look elsewhere.
    Always realize that the person you are with today, you have to assume will be that person forever - and you must either accept them as is, or decide you can't and let them go.

    So i don't mean to pick on you - this is somethign we've all fallen trap to and continue to. We all need to stop it.

  2. #12
    Gold Member rokston's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by thisisrichey
    The lesson here is somethign all of us can learn and fall victim to:

    It never works to be with somebody you wish to transform into the perfect partner you ultimately see. If you find yourself playing the game of planning what you want to chnage about an s/o to make them perfect - you should leave them and look elsewhere.
    Always realize that the person you are with today, you have to assume will be that person forever - and you must either accept them as is, or decide you can't and let them go.

    So i don't mean to pick on you - this is somethign we've all fallen trap to and continue to. We all need to stop it.
    Such true words! At my age and being around the block a few times, I really should have known better. Somehow, I managed to convince myself that it was different because she had moved countries (with the kitchen sink, which I didnt ask for) and I felt guilty to call it quits as she was pulling the drama card and saying she had nowhere to go etc.

    Turns out the wise old cliches and warning words do hold true over time.

  3. #13

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    Hey OP,

    I found this forum today whilst trying to find solitude in posts from people in similar situations to myself. I was completely gobsmacked after reading your post due to the similarities of my current situation. My ex and I were together for 7 years, our relationship flourished after first becoming best friends and then went on to become full-time, live-in partners. When we first met, we both drank heavily on a nightly basis, this was due to the fact that I had moved to a new city (where I had first met her) for my job. The excitement with moving to a new city with new clubs, bars, restaurants etc got the better of me, l didn't realise at that point that my ex partner already had an issue with alcohol and it began rubbing off on me. My ex also suffers with bulimia and has had a very troubled upbringing. After a year or so, I put my foot down and said the drinking had to stop. I stopped drinking anything at all during the week and kept to weekends, she did not like this. She began doing "live-in jobs", working and living in hotels and the relationship went long distance for a while. I now know that she was doing this to run away from her problems, although they always found her and she lost every single "live-in job" that she got after only a month or so of working there due to her alcoholism. Each time she would come back and I would pick up the pieces.

    The last time this happened (only last year) I had said I didn't want to be with her anymore if she didn't stop drinking as she had already been through rehab and relapsed, so she once again got another "live-in" job and moved away with us being in NC. A month or two down the line, she lost the job again, for the same reasons and said she had nowhere to stay, I said she could come back and stay with me for a few days until she found somewhere else to go. Basically, she came back for more than a few days and the alcoholism was the worst it had ever been. She had seizures if she didn't drink 1liter of Vodka a day. I told her she was going to die. She was ill. To cut a long story short, without going into too much detail (for legal reasons) I now have a permanent facial scar across my forehead, which she did so that she could get locked or "sectioned" to stop herself from being able to buy alcohol.

    Several months passed and she is now going through recovery, she has been sober for 3 months now. Unbelievably though, she has now dumped me. After everything I did for her during the 7 years, she has upped and left me. I am now the one left in disbelief, feeling used, rejected and also permanently physically and emotionally scarred. I can't help but feel like I'd like everything to crumble down for her again but if I'm totally honest with myself, I don't want it to. I have to try and wish her the best (as hard as that is!) I bumped into her recently for the first time in around 2 months and she was really uncomfortable but we had a conversation for a few minutes. She said "you know its done, done. Right?" and I just couldn't believe how unemotional she seemed.

    Sorry for the long post but codependent relationships are tough, I've since read a lot about this. I'm in the same boat. Also, alcoholism and bulimia etc can be excruciatingly hard to live with. Although I was, and possibly still am, willing to give it another shot. But who knows when or whether a relapse will happen again further down the line.

  4. #14
    Gold Member rokston's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by legaz264
    But who knows when or whether a relapse will happen again further down the line.
    Your story rings to close to home in many ways. On this particular point, I will give you the advice that's constantly given to me and that is - the likelihood is that relapses will happen, even if we are positive about recovery, and imagine if these are paired up with kids or with some other life challenge. Perhaps it really isnt worth revisiting.

    Despite missing my ex and doubting and flipiing and flopping over my decision, I do deep down believe the most likely chance for recovery is a total fresh start for them. Overcoming ingrained behaviors and relationship dynamics is hard enough itself withou the significant problems that addictions bring. Maybe a total revamp is their chance to start anew and build onwards without facing guilt, shame, or other feelings on a constant basis at the same time.

    While I miss her terribly daily and mull over my choice, when I think through the above it does still make sense to me. Plus then you can start questioning what is that you actually miss or want to give another chance, surely not the destruction and watching someone you love slowly kill themselves in front of you - my ex was also in seizures territory and in similar quantities, where there is only one outcome which can just occur many different ways.

    As for the similarities, mate, there are many. We also used to go to bars all the time. Either travelling for work or for fun. There was always an excuse to do it regularly. When we started living in the same city (and together) and I stepped back because it was real life and not holiday or adventure mode, that's when the cracks began. So while I was at work, she could drink quietly. Also losing jobs or avoiding them. When I gave up for long periods, she didnt. When I stopped druing the week, she didnt. When we stopped keeping drink at home, she snuck off and drank it secretly. Slowly making the relationship silent, frustrating, non-sensible and grossly misalinged with the rest of my life (friends, professionally successful etc). So why miss them?! lol :)

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Codependent relationships are not rare occurrences.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Don't feel guilty. Read up on alcoholism. You are doing her a huge favor and a step toward sobriety. Read up on "rock bottom". This is when slowly but surely they start losing things. Job, health, friends, family, spouses, licences, money, freedom etc. Perhaps this is the wake up call she needs to get and stay sober. Read up on enabling. Attend an Al-Anon meeting to do some self exploration. Worry about yourself, not her. She will have to get her act together or face consequences. You, however may need to explore your role in this whole dynamic so you don't repeat this.

  8. #17
    Gold Member rokston's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Don't feel guilty. Read up on alcoholism. You are doing her a huge favor and a step toward sobriety. Read up on "rock bottom". This is when slowly but surely they start losing things. Job, health, friends, family, spouses, licences, money, freedom etc. Perhaps this is the wake up call she needs to get and stay sober. Read up on enabling. Attend an Al-Anon meeting to do some self exploration. Worry about yourself, not her. She will have to get her act together or face consequences. You, however may need to explore your role in this whole dynamic so you don't repeat this.
    Thanks a lot! I have been doing all of those things including therapy and couceling and they have helped me work through the guilt for the most part. Think now I am just in missing her territory or at least missing what could have been, waving the magic wand and remembering the hopes and dreams rather than the frustrations and reality. Certainly helps me to write and bring those aspects back to the fore.

  9. #18

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    Thanks for sharing Rokston, its astounding how similar our situations, especially the last part of what you wrote. Sneaking off and drinking secretly, lies, deceit and the relationship becoming stale and unmanageable. I guess I worry that whilst she was working away for prolonged periods in hotels, how do I know she didn't also cheat on me whilst under the influence? It frustrates me that now she is 3 months sober, she all of a sudden no longer wants to be with me. Now that she has become the person I always wished she would be (sober, focused, ambitious etc) I am banished from her life. I did everything for her, supported her throughout it all. I guess I get solace in that thought. If nothing else, I can say I went above and beyond.

    In terms of what I miss, I guess just all of the happy times. There were a HUGE amount of good times over 7 years before it eventually turned sour. It was my first real, long-term relationship so this is my first ever experience of a breakup. From what I've gathered, my mind will continue to remember only the good times and not the awful times towards the end until I heal and let go. I bumped into her recently in the street which was awkward but we talked for a few minutes, she talked about how there was so much bad in the relationship, I said "don't forget all the good times too", she replied "I cant think about that, otherwise I'll end up buying a bottle and relapsing". It hurt to hear that she is only focusing on the bad, but in hindsight, its more important for her to stay sober and if that's what it takes so be it. Its unbelievably hard to go from living with someone for 7 years, sharing a bed, mutual friends and family ties etc to being abandoned and left alone. Especially in a city that isn't your home town with no family nearby to help me heal. The struggle continues but I wake up each morning and carry on another day.

  10. #19
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    Hi Rokston,

    Fellow codependent here, nice to meet you. In fact, much of your experience mirrors my own. Firstly, you seem like an incredibly kind and conscientious individual (dat me), and secondly, miss and love your partner despite the relationship being largely one-sided with little effort on her part to seriously amend her ways. I don't mean to blame her in any way, but you have done enough to try and save the relationship and there comes a point whereby you have exhausted every avenue and realise with a eureka moment that you can't change a person.

    My recent ex is alcohol-dependent. Not to the same extent as your wife, but I have seen him drunk/ passed out on the floor more times than I would have chosen. As a non-drinker myself, it is difficult to determine what is 'excessive' but when someone can't go one day without drinking, I think that is unhealthy. What's more, the lifestyle that came along with this: the need to be out socialising all the time, constantly donning a mask and putting up a pretence in every situation, is not conducive to real intimacy. His neglectful behaviours, prioritising alcohol over me and the difference in our lifestyles drove a wedge between us. From your post, it seems like all your energy has been placed on your wife who is putting a lot more energy into herself than she is reciprocating your love. Personally, I miss the companionship, but I do not miss the person or the drama that surrounded him. I know peace and solace will come in time. I think you know this yourself but it's a massive adjustment at first and sometimes, drama seems preferable to being alone. Look after yourself xx

  11. #20
    Gold Member rokston's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by jenberry
    Hi Rokston,

    Fellow codependent here, nice to meet you. In fact, much of your experience mirrors my own. Firstly, you seem like an incredibly kind and conscientious individual (dat me), and secondly, miss and love your partner despite the relationship being largely one-sided with little effort on her part to seriously amend her ways. I don't mean to blame her in any way, but you have done enough to try and save the relationship and there comes a point whereby you have exhausted every avenue and realise with a eureka moment that you can't change a person.

    My recent ex is alcohol-dependent. Not to the same extent as your wife, but I have seen him drunk/ passed out on the floor more times than I would have chosen. As a non-drinker myself, it is difficult to determine what is 'excessive' but when someone can't go one day without drinking, I think that is unhealthy. What's more, the lifestyle that came along with this: the need to be out socialising all the time, constantly donning a mask and putting up a pretence in every situation, is not conducive to real intimacy. His neglectful behaviours, prioritising alcohol over me and the difference in our lifestyles drove a wedge between us. From your post, it seems like all your energy has been placed on your wife who is putting a lot more energy into herself than she is reciprocating your love. Personally, I miss the companionship, but I do not miss the person or the drama that surrounded him. I know peace and solace will come in time. I think you know this yourself but it's a massive adjustment at first and sometimes, drama seems preferable to being alone. Look after yourself xx
    Thanks for the kind words Jenberry! Think a real challenge in our type of situation is the three way nature of the relationships. The alcoholic, the bringer or drama, craziness and uncertainty, was a constant participant. Hence when we miss or think back, you sometimes remember the real person without the problem, and sometimes the illness and the erratic flux it brought to it all. It basically means that the stability and consistency of really knowing what was going on is not really normal or logical to even remember because the partner themselves was not behaving as one stable person but a duality of personalities and behaviors.

    Definitely do not miss the drama, uncertainty or frustration about watching self- and relationship-destructive behaviors and having no influence on finding a solution or helping to find strength and will for them to deal with their issue and find a healthier, positive way of living.

    Stay strong and look after yourself, you are doing the only sensible and wise thing!

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