Reason you cant make a permanent change

Been married 17 years husband doesnt feel loved wants me to change. I do then it goes back. Before he can even decide if he wants to stay married he needs a reason for no permanent change. Help. Anyone

We need a lot more information. What is his specific complaint about your behavior? And does he make you feel loved?

Why is he threatening divorce? Is he trying to change and control you?

Yes he does. But I dont show enough affection and dont initiate sex. Our sex is the same nothing great

Wants more affection and love

So, I don't know the full story but why do you change for a while and then stop? Is that simply part of how you are? Have you always been like this (presumably showing not enough affection), or is something bothering you at some level? Does he make you feel loved? I know that, with age, some people's libido drops. Please tell us more.

You should change for you, not for someone else.

OP, it really would be very helpful if you give a LOT more information if you want any kind of constructive advice.

We have been married for 17 years back and forth at times he tells me he does not feel loved or wanted he asks me to change about doing stuff to be 100% partner like doing laundry folding laundry right away doing dishes every night be more affectionate initiating sex and I do that and I put forth effort something always happens where I go back slowly to the old ways he's wanting a reason as to why before he can consider moving forward and working on a relationship we are fighting every single day and I keep trying to explain to him how much I love him how he means everything to me and he just tells me it's not about me it's about him and if he can continue to do this and to get hurt again

I’ve been dealing with my girlfriend for 7 years now and she’s the same way. I feel stuck and I’m working on the strength to leave. We have a young child together and I’m afraid to leave her without a strong parental front. I have learned that you won’t change unless you want to. From my personal experience change was most affected by my environment. If things are good for you personally outside the relationship you may not need to change. Instead of you changing, open up about how you truly are,and set the expectations of the relationship and allow him to do the same. If you truly love him, allow him the choice to leave without repercussions( i.e, alimony, child support). I’m not an expert or someone who knows it all, just someone who’s struggling with their own pain. Maybe this will allow you to relieve the guilt of not meeting the expectations of a relationship and the freedom to leave peacefully.

something always happens where I go back slowly to the old ways

What exactly are "the old ways"?? You don't clean the house? You don't do the laundry? You don't wash the dishes? You don't want sex? You don't show him affection? You need to explain to us exactly WHAT is the "old ways"?

From the very little I can make out I get the impression that he's unhappy with you because it seems you don't do your "share" of the relationship and he gives a lot more. If that's the case, then yes, you need to make changes one way or another. Clearly it seems he is not feeling loved or wanted by you and that in itself is a huge problem.

Please read the book the 5 Love Languages. It will make a difference if you are willing. He says he doesn't "feel loved" - it could be that he just needs more physical contact in general from you to feel that you care for him. Or maybe its something else.

This is abusive and controlling. Stop participating in it. Learn to stand up for yourself and say no. Tell him to do his own laundry and dishes, etc. If you are not in the mood for sex sometimes that's too bad for him. Stop acting like a servant.

change about doing stuff to be 100% partner like doing laundry folding laundry right away doing dishes every night be more affectionate initiating sex. we are fighting every single day

If you truly love him, allow him the choice to leave without repercussions( i.e, alimony, child support). I’m not an expert or someone who knows it all, just someone who’s struggling with their own pain. Maybe this will allow you to relieve the guilt of not meeting the expectations of a relationship and the freedom to leave peacefully.

Child support is not a 'repercussion'. Ending a relationship with a partner doesn't absolve you from your parental responsibilities, financially or otherwise. I don't feel that someone with your mindset should be providing anyone else 'advice'.

the key is to find out why he needs you to initiate sex all the time.

and why you aren't comfy with sex or initiating it.

He is being inappropriate to put all the change and blame on you. Everything about a couple is a TEAM EFFORT and thus you have to figure out why as a TEAM you are so mis-aligned right now.

You probably have a rason why you are not that sexual, or as sexual, or initiate sex with him - be honest and let him know. Then make him be honest as to why it must be you to initiate sex all the time - why can't he initiate it just as often as you?

At some point you'll get to the bottom of it if you can talk about this and once you do, THEn you can work on the real issues and fixes.