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Thread: My best friend and I are in a mess

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jan 2019

    My best friend and I are in a mess

    I'm a woman married to a woman.
    My best friend is woman married to a man. Many months ago, we confessed that we had crushes on each other. The crush turned into strong physical and emotional attraction for both us. For a very short time, we shared in some physical intimacy. The infidelity was wrong and caused obvious pain. But she revealed to me that she thought it was wrong to be gay (she had never told me this because she's never judged me) and has therefor been suppressing her attraction for years...and that as much as she wants "it" she won't leave her spouse and can't "be gay" anyway.
    On my side, I have fallen in love with her. And this has wreaked havoc in my already difficult marriage. My friend is angry with me for having these feelings and suggests that what happened between us was my fault. She is mad that I didn't stop it, prevent it from ever happening. What she won't acknowledge is that she initiated it. This wouldn't otherwise matter of course, if she weren't blaming me. She wants us to continue in our friendship but everything is awful now. We fight a lot. She tells me that I just need to box up my feelings and carry on. She pushes and pulls on me, mirroring her internal struggle. There are days when she ignores me and other days when we communicate all day long, like we used to. She recently told me that she has no attraction to me at all. Yet it's very clear in the time we spend together that she does. She is angry that I want to hang out with her like we used to, going as far to say that I only want to pull her away from her husband.
    She questions if I would actually have her back if say, she needed support with her marriage. She tells me I would manipulate the situation to my advantage. She tells me her marriage is fine but then tells me she wants to seeks counselling to find out why she's always freaking out on her husband and why she's attracted to women. She thinks I want to spend time together only so we can have more physical encounters. But I'm not doing that at all. I find myself wondering if that's what she's wanting me to do? But she vacillates so frequently. So now I have to fight for time with my best friend...because of her guilt? But she says she it's all back to normal now for her anyway so I don't get it. It's emotionally taxing. And heartbreaking.
    A confidant has suggested to me that her anger is more about the very real feelings she is dealing with, and less to do with me.
    I miss our time together. I miss my friend. But for as long as I (now) represent to her that which she has fought to repress all her life, I end up feeling like less than a person to her, let alone her best friend.
    Thanks for reading.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2011
    This sounds like an awful situation to be in...but a pretty simple fix.

    1.) You canít be friends with your best friend anymore because itís disrespectful to your wife.

    2.) You canít be friends with your best friend anymore because you have feelings for her, and that will cloud your judgement and friendship, even unintentionally.

    3.) You canít be friends with your best friend anymore because itís disrespectful to her marriage.

    4.) She is dealing with huge issues that she clearly needs a counselor to help her with, and her friendship with you brings those issues directly to the surface every time she interacts with you. As long as the friendship remains, the push/pull will continue. She needs to figure out if sheís gay or straight on her own. Without your interference or support.

    Iím sorry, Iím sure thatís not what you want to hear. But she will continue to blame you instead of searching within herself as long as you let her. Focus on fixing your own marriage or leave it, and let your friend focus on discovering who she wants to be. Maybe in time, you both can truly be FRIENDS, instead of this weird dynamic youíre currently in.

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