Should I be concerned?

This is a long story, but short version is this.... my boyfriend had his annual work meeting this week, where he would be with the woman he hired trained and tried to or may have had sexual encounters with. This was well over a year ago, but it still makes me uncomfortable to have him around her. Anyway, I have been sober now for 4 months and knew he would be drinking so I said if your drunk, don't come home. I kinda thought he would be supportive and maybe not get drunk. I hadn't heard from him all day until 6pm when he texted to tell me his meeting was over and they were all going for dinner. That's all. No reassurance that he wasn't talking to her or anything, so I overreacted and told him don't come home! He texted fine!

Well of course, I changed my mind and had soo many thoughts going through my head of what could be happening that I told him TO come home, but he said he was already at his cousins and was tired.

The next after noon when he arrived home, it looked like he showered, and he definitely washed his clothes.

Is that weird? Or maybe he was trying to eliminate the smell of booze for me? Although you would think if he cared that much then he wouldn't have drank?

I don't know what to say to him, or if I will even believe all his explanations because he always has them and I'm just apparently delusional and paranoid.

Anyway if I could get some advice and opinions from others then maybe I would feel better. Thanks

Is it abnormal for him to shower daily?

And what evidence do you have that he drank alcohol? Evidence, not fears or assumptions or speculation but actual hard evidence.

He's a huge health nut and only uses his shampoo and soap, so it is out of character for him to shower with other peoples stuff.

He's a huge health nut and only uses his shampoo and soap, so it is out of character for him to shower with other peoples stuff.

What about the drinking?

Do you know FOR A FACT he drank alcohol?

He told me he had a couple beers. It's the one time a year that he touches alcohol.

He told me he had a couple beers. It's the one time a year that he touches alcohol.

OK. Do you feel that is an unforgivable offense?

And don't ever, ever use breaking up as a tool of manipulation or to try to "punish" someone, especially someone you are supposed to love.

We have been together for 14 years, so no I don't use manipulation or threats. He would have left me then. Thanks for your input but you seem very judgement

Judgemental*

Major overreacting! He tells you he is going to dinner and you tell him don't come home because he didn't give you a play by play? If you have issues with drinking and he only drinks when he is not with you because of it - is it really fair of you to stipulate he can't drink when he is at a business dinner that you are not in attendance at.

That is the sure way to push someone right out the door

Stop playing games with him. all this push/pull. He can't help who is at the business meeting. you are afraid he might cheat at a meeting, even though he is coming home after dinner so your solution is to tell him to not come home?

You need to get a grip. If my guy has a meeting or a guys night -- i go do a girls thing or enjoy the quiet!/////////////

We have been together for 14 years, so no I don't use manipulation or threats. He would have left me then. Thanks for your input but you seem very judgement

You told him not to come home because he had a couple of beers and he didn't reassure you that he didn't talk to that woman. Then you went back on it because I guess you changed your mind.

That is using breaking up as a threat/punishment.

I know, it's like I was just setting myself up for a fight and I guess that is thoughtful, that he doesn't drink around me although he isn't a drinker. I think it was all because he would be around this woman and I'm insecure about it. I just don't know how to convince MYSELF that nothing is happening. I just want to start fresh with him and leave the past mistakes behind.

I don't know what to say to him, or if I will even believe all his explanations because he always has them and I'm just apparently delusional and paranoid.

I think there could be some truth in that. I also see way overreacting to something which really is a pretty normal thing in any business environment - an annual work meeting followed by a dinner, which yes, would probably include having a drink or two. Not sure why you had to blow it so out of proportion. So yes, maybe a little paranoid.

Are you usually so controlling? Why is it so relevant that he showered? So even though he usually uses his showering products, he could never have used other products one time in his life? And why is it his job to reassure you instead of you reassuring yourself and keeping calm by living your own life while he's meeting other people? Does he need to tell you every 5 minutes what he's doing and reassure you daily on everything? Why can't he drink some beers when he goes out? Why is it your business to control his social drinking when he's not around you?

Sorry, but this all seems so weird and too much drama for a simple night out with colleagues. I'm sure there's got to be more to the story.

I know, it's like I was just setting myself up for a fight and I guess that is thoughtful, that he doesn't drink around me although he isn't a drinker. I think it was all because he would be around this woman and I'm insecure about it. I just don't know how to convince MYSELF that nothing is happening. I just want to start fresh with him and leave the past mistakes behind.

Has he cheated on you with that woman or his involvement with you was before you were a couple?

Yes, he cheated on me with this woman last year. And I'm not controlling. Only in this situation and if you knew him then you would question it too that he showered. I'm not saying it makes him guilty, I was saying it is curious. I don't have any evidence of him acting inappropriately only his past actions with her and it doesn't matter that he was at a work event because he's a beer rep and all they do is get wasted and act stupid at these things. Last year a colleague fell into a Christmas tree in there hotel. And you see he travels all the time and stays away from home so I'm not insure about that or paranoid, it was the fact that he was out with this woman and he never texted or called. Of course I don't ask or tell him to keep me up to date everyday but if I turned a blind eye to everything then I wouldn't have caught him last year. I used to be the cool "wife" that my friends envied. I didn't care if he went out and of town or took selfies with waitresses or flirted with strangers because I thought I was enough and we were unbreakable. 13 years together without infidelity then he did and it all changed.

That information would have been helpful because it changes everything.

Has he agreed to be completely transparent in order to save and maintain your relationship?

Yes, he cheated on me with this woman last year. 13 years together without infidelity then he did and it all changed.

Ok, I now understand your "paranoia". Clearly all trust has been broken and without trust, you have nothing. You will forever wonder what he's doing, who he's with etc. Did you guys ever go to marriage counselling to help sort out this huge issue? If not, maybe it's time to address it, because like I said, without trust in a relationship, you have nothing.

I said in my first thread. Yes we compromised because he hired her and can't fire her for being a lol that he wouldn't have contact with her anymore no texting or calling only emails which he hasn't done but says he can't help it, he has to be professional and answer her questions, but we aren't married he doesn't wear a ring, not that that would stop a home wrecker but I just wanted some reassurance with a text. I didnt think that was too much to ask, and maybe for him to have some common sense and not drink in her presence and make me more worried.

I think we should, we aren't that greatest at having serious conversations. He laughs at everything and I cry at everything lol so we avoid talking about it. It's been two days and I still haven't brought my concerns with him.

he would be with the woman he hired trained and tried to or may have had sexual encounters with.

You're not actually sure that he DID, in fact, have sex with her? Speculating only?

No I only heard they were talking about having sex in his car because they were driving around together, or maybe get a hotel room. But he said they never did anything! Just talked about it. It was hard to hear but it wasn't unforgivable, until he kept seeing her and calling her

No I only heard they were talking about having sex in his car because they were driving around together, or maybe get a hotel room. But he said they never did anything! Just talked about it. It was hard to hear but it wasn't unforgivable, until he kept seeing her and calling her

Thanks for the clarification. Seems clear he had intentions of cheating so I totally understand your mistrust. You should see a counsellor to help you deal with this, because clearly it's not going to go away.

Sorry, I didn't understand he had cheat on you previously and now I can understand why you don't trust him.

Sorry to hear this. He is the "home wrecker", not her. Cheaters lie to everyone. This means he underplays what happens with her to you and he tells her (if she even knows about you) that it's a loveless relationship he's exiting soon. You need to stop playing detective and start getting some boundaries.

Stop being the "cool" gf, stop doing everything at home. Let him do his own shopping, cooking, cleaning laundry, etc. In the meantime start making major changes to yourself with the time and money you'll save not playing the 'little woman at home'. Get to a gym, get in shape, buy new clothes, update your look. Start going out on your own with friends. Just do it. Do Not discuss it. Do not make threats or share your plans or complain or 'talk about your feelings", etc. . Just start a self improvement/confidence building program. Just do it. Start enjoying your life.

we aren't married he doesn't wear a ring, not that that would stop a home wrecker but I just wanted some reassurance with a text. I didnt think that was too much to ask, and maybe for him to have some common sense and not drink in her presence and make me more worried.

we aren't married he doesn't wear a ring, not that that would stop a home wrecker.

She’s not a home wrecker...she didn’t twist his arm (did she?) HE cheated and he’s in your life, not her. The infidelity is 100% his fault.