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Help! Why am I suddenly obsessing over my ex but I'm married


KenyaJune10

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Hey ya'll. Let's get to it.

 

 

 

For the past week or so I have been obsessing over my ex. I have spent two days at work (and at home) looking through our old emails, trying to find out old texts in my old cell phone, looking through bank statements that shows things I paid for for him, reading my old journal entries about him and the list goes on. I deletedmost of our text evidence anyway from the last time we tried to get together because I knew I may be tempted to go back and read the messages anyway.

 

 

 

I have been married for 3 years and I have a 1 year old with my amazing husband. He loves me so much and I love him but I don't feel veryin-love. We make a good team but don't really have passion. I must admit that my husband was a rebound from my ex. About a month after breakingup with my ex I started datingmy current husband. Now I'm thinking about contactingmy ex just to see how he was doing.

 

 

 

I love my son so much I would never want to get a divorce for the uncertainty of my ex. I just want to know if anyone has ever gone through this and how did you handle it. How should I handle it?

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You handle it by deleting all of the old communications and old records. Then you tell your husband you want to work on making your marriage more compatible, fun, adventurous, whatever it is you feel it is lacking. No doubt your husband is feeling the lack as well.

 

And don't lie to yourself, you don't want to contact your ex to "see how he's doing". You want to contact your ex to see if he still wants you.

 

I don't think you want your son to have to experience his parents getting an acrimonious divorce because Mommy cheated on Daddy.

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When you and your husband first met did he give you butterflies? If yes, remember that feeling next time you kiss him. Being mindful of what drew you in the first place might hepl to stoke the fire (it has for me in the past)

 

And yeah, delete all traces, stop holding onto the past, isn't fair to your partner or yourself

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I love my son so much I would never want to get a divorce for the uncertainty of my ex.

 

If you really love your son, as you say, and value your marriage then you should never contact your ex ever again. There is no such thing as "contacting ex just to see how he was doing" so you need to stop lying to yourself like that. You need to DELETE all old emails, texts and photos of him along with all his contact details. You also need to delete and block your ex from all your social media. It's like fighting an addiction. All triggers need to go.

 

You took on the responsibility of bringing a child into this world. You owe it to this child to nurture and protect your marriage and family. Contacting exes for whatever reason is a big no no.

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You act like a responsible adult, that's how you handle it.

You made your choice years ago. However it's turned out, this is the choice you made. It does not give you the right to mess with people's heads just cause you're feeling sad.

 

You have a child with your husband and that child deserves a family. Your husband has been a good partner to you by the sounds of it, and he too deserves loyalty and love.

 

If you feel the passion has waned, you talk to your husband, work things out, go on dates, find the spark again, even consider marriage counselling.

But you don't huddle in the corner looking through your ex's things from years ago. That's ridiculous!

 

You're someone's wife and Mother, you need to respect that!

 

Delete, block, get rid of whatever reminds you of your ex. That's your only choice now a days.

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I'm curious as to why you and your ex split up?

 

Why did you not delete and throw away your past? You should not be holding on to this stuff.

 

Do not contact your ex, and work on your marriage!

 

Not everyone deletes everything... just saying that to shore up the OP since different people handle things in different ways.

 

OP your ex represents an escape of some kind. Your reality is overwhelming perhaps?

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It may be best to focus on and reflect what's going on in your life right now, rather than what's going on in his. For example you mention you have a baby and the romance/passion is declining. Contacting an ex won't fix that. Are you working? Are you a SAHM?

 

Contemplate whether this recent longing is more due to the current state of affairs in your life including day-to-day drudgery and merely providing a glamorized view of a carefree past.

 

Go to a doctor and get a check up if you feel overwhelmed, tired, lacking a libido, etc. Get a referral to a therapist to unpack some of your current frustrations and getting some tips on how to improve your current situation, especially consider marital therapy. This ex fascination is a symptom of larger issues.

 

Everyone looks fondly on more youthful, carefree times but if you are trying to use this ex as a representation of that and an escape from your currant reality, it won't help any of your problems. Do not contact this ex.

I have been married for 3 years and I have a 1 year old .

We make a good team but don't really have passion.

I'm thinking about contactingmy ex just to see how he was doing.

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You already have your answer, OP: you're doing this because you don't really see your husband as a romantic partner. You're bored and looking for excitement.

 

Do not contact your ex. That is a terrible idea, for many reasons, and you run the risk of blowing your whole family apart. Delete any old communications/reminders of your ex.

 

Instead, turn your attention back to your marriage and identify points where both you and your husband could improve things. Attend marital counselling to strengthen your partnership, if you think that could help.

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When you and your husband first met did he give you butterflies? If yes, remember that feeling next time you kiss him. Being mindful of what drew you in the first place might hepl to stoke the fire (it has for me in the past)

 

And yeah, delete all traces, stop holding onto the past, isn't fair to your partner or yourself

 

I don't think my husband really gave me butterflies. I was never really nervous around him because we started out as friends. He's like my best friend. I'm not very in a romantic love. I do like that he was affectionate, funny, and driven. We had a lot in common - went to the same college. I think we were both tired of being single and got together.

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Ok thank you. I won't contact my ex, I need to talk to a therapist about this. Perhaps I'm feeling this way because. My husband and I have move back to the area that I was in when I last was dating my ex. My ex was not in this area because it was long distance. It was also in Dec/Jan when we were last together so it's a combination of the location. time of year and also feelign liek I'm living a lie when I'm longing for my "true love" although it didn't work out - it was for reasons that I think could have been worked out.

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I'm curious as to why you and your ex split up?

 

Why did you not delete and throw away your past? You should not be holding on to this stuff.

 

Do not contact your ex, and work on your marriage!

 

Me and my ex boyfriend split up two different times. The first time in 2009 was because I wanted to leave - I cheated and felt guilty (I was young dumb and 20 years old). Consequently he got suspicious , looked through my computer and found some flirtatious facebook messages. He ultimately broke up with me. I never admitted to to him that I cheated at the time but years later admitted it. He forgave me. When we tried to get back together 6 years ago he thought I was settling for him, he was depressed and thought I was too critical and wasn't right for him. However I have never been in love with anyone else as much as him. It's complicated. I do feel like I'm living a lie because my ex pops up in my mind from time to time. It's like he occupied the other part of my heart.

 

And I threw away every physical thing from my ex. But I do have some emails. I've delated 99% of the texts.

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If you loved him, then why did you cheat? Youth is not an excuse. Why did you want to leave?

 

I think you are idealizing this guy. Your relationship did not work then, and you split twice. I suggest some counseling to deal with all of this, because this is about you, not these men.

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Yes husband was my rebound. He is generally not what I'm attracted to. I was attracted to his personality and was afraid of never finding the one. So in some ways I settled. I have been pretty happy in my marriage . I just feel like I settled and now I have to spend my whole life with regret.

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If you loved him, then why did you cheat? Youth is not an excuse. Why did you want to leave?

 

I think you are idealizing this guy. Your relationship did not work then, and you split twice. I suggest some counseling to deal with all of this, because this is about you, not these men.

 

Yea I really may be idealizing the ex bf. Subconsciously I cheated because he always made me feel like I was doing something wrong. He had high morals and was very rigid. He was almost like a father figure. My dad was not really in my life. So maybe although the correction my ex provided me was annoying - it was somewhat needed because I used to be really selfish and inconsiderate and the ex would call me out on my stuff. However I felt smothered. I was his first. I just thought I was too young to be tied down ( I was 19 and 20).

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By the way although I don't condone cheating. I def think it's possible to love someone and still cheat. I was being stupid and selfish and after I cheated I realized how much I loved him anyway. Also the cheating came from confiding in a guy about my relationship as I was seeking advice and then we got closer. My played football in college and there were lots of times that we didn't spend as much time together.

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1. You called your H your best friend.

2. Often, when we think we've settled, we are looking at someone else to fill in the blanks in our own lives. That is nobody else's job but our own.

3. Nobody has flaws or perfections. Every trait is a source of strength and a source of difficulty.

 

Learn to love your own set of traits and you will view these men differently.

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1. You called your H your best friend.

2. Often, when we think we've settled, we are looking at someone else to fill in the blanks in our own lives. That is nobody else's job but our own.

3. Nobody has flaws or perfections. Every trait is a source of strength and a source of difficulty.

 

Learn to love your own set of traits and you will view these men differently.

 

Yes you are probably right. However, I don't see my husband as attractive - this may be affecting our intimacy. On the other hand there may be something within myself I need to focus on. I can always work on improving myself and thus that may help me to see past my husband's flaws. .

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You act like a responsible adult, that's how you handle it.

You made your choice years ago. However it's turned out, this is the choice you made. It does not give you the right to mess with people's heads just cause you're feeling sad.

 

You have a child with your husband and that child deserves a family. Your husband has been a good partner to you by the sounds of it, and he too deserves loyalty and love.

 

If you feel the passion has waned, you talk to your husband, work things out, go on dates, find the spark again, even consider marriage counselling.

But you don't huddle in the corner looking through your ex's things from years ago. That's ridiculous!

 

You're someone's wife and Mother, you need to respect that!

 

Delete, block, get rid of whatever reminds you of your ex. That's your only choice now a days.

 

I second this entire post.

 

Yes husband was my rebound. He is generally not what I'm attracted to. I was attracted to his personality and was afraid of never finding the one. So in some ways I settled. I just feel like I settled and now I have to spend my whole life with regret

It's really tough to read the above. I can't help but feel bad for your husband. Is he aware of any of this? Of your feelings? That he is merely a rebound and you settled? Living your whole life with regret .... This is really huge and maybe time to face it full-on. Either discuss exactly why you feel this way and go for marriage counselling and if that doesn't change things, divorce is the only other option. Living a lie will never make for a happy, healthy and successful marriage/relationship.

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@ Capricorn3

 

No my husband is not aware of my feelings. He would be crushed and things would never be the same with us. I guess it's too late to turn back. I don't want to ruin things for my son and we are talking of wanting to have another child soon. I'm not unhappy in my marriage. I just feel like in the back of my mind I am loosing attraction for my husband (or that I forced myself to be attracted to him). There are certain things about him that he can't change such as his height. I am just going to make sure we go to marriage counseling for "preventive measures." This can work. All hope is not lost. I was primarily needing guidance on not contacting my ex.

 

I know I can't be the only person not attracted to their spouse. It sounds bad but it could be worse. Sex is good so that helps.

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@ Capricorn3

 

No my husband is not aware of my feelings. He would be crushed and things would never be the same with us. I guess it's too late to turn back. I don't want to ruin things for my son and we are talking of wanting to have another child soon. I'm not unhappy in my marriage. I just feel like in the back of my mind I am loosing attraction for my husband (or that I forced myself to be attracted to him). There are certain things about him that he can't change such as his height. I am just going to make sure we go to marriage counseling for "preventive measures." This can work. All hope is not lost. I was primarily needing guidance on not contacting my ex.

 

I know I can't be the only person not attracted to their spouse. It sounds bad but it could be worse. Sex is good so that helps.

 

Do you honestly think having another kid is a good choice?

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Yes you are probably right. However, I don't see my husband as attractive - this may be affecting our intimacy. On the other hand there may be something within myself I need to focus on. I can always work on improving myself and thus that may help me to see past my husband's flaws. .

 

Work on yourself first, so you can be clear.

 

You are not in a place of feeling love for anyone, actually. i would seek psychotherapy, which offers an approach similar to what helped me.

 

Also, I would read about avoidant attachment style and also about codependency. Those topics may trigger some ideas to help you sort out your experiences.

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