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Thread: Help! Why am I suddenly obsessing over my ex but I'm married

  1. #21
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    1. You called your H your best friend.
    2. Often, when we think we've settled, we are looking at someone else to fill in the blanks in our own lives. That is nobody else's job but our own.
    3. Nobody has flaws or perfections. Every trait is a source of strength and a source of difficulty.

    Learn to love your own set of traits and you will view these men differently.
    Yes you are probably right. However, I don't see my husband as attractive - this may be affecting our intimacy. On the other hand there may be something within myself I need to focus on. I can always work on improving myself and thus that may help me to see past my husband's flaws. .

  2. #22
    Super Moderator Capricorn3's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    You act like a responsible adult, that's how you handle it.
    You made your choice years ago. However it's turned out, this is the choice you made. It does not give you the right to mess with people's heads just cause you're feeling sad.

    You have a child with your husband and that child deserves a family. Your husband has been a good partner to you by the sounds of it, and he too deserves loyalty and love.

    If you feel the passion has waned, you talk to your husband, work things out, go on dates, find the spark again, even consider marriage counselling.
    But you don't huddle in the corner looking through your ex's things from years ago. That's ridiculous!

    You're someone's wife and Mother, you need to respect that!

    Delete, block, get rid of whatever reminds you of your ex. That's your only choice now a days
    .
    I second this entire post.

    Yes husband was my rebound. He is generally not what I'm attracted to. I was attracted to his personality and was afraid of never finding the one. So in some ways I settled. I just feel like I settled and now I have to spend my whole life with regret
    It's really tough to read the above. I can't help but feel bad for your husband. Is he aware of any of this? Of your feelings? That he is merely a rebound and you settled? Living your whole life with regret .... This is really huge and maybe time to face it full-on. Either discuss exactly why you feel this way and go for marriage counselling and if that doesn't change things, divorce is the only other option. Living a lie will never make for a happy, healthy and successful marriage/relationship.

  3. #23
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    @ Capricorn3

    No my husband is not aware of my feelings. He would be crushed and things would never be the same with us. I guess it's too late to turn back. I don't want to ruin things for my son and we are talking of wanting to have another child soon. I'm not unhappy in my marriage. I just feel like in the back of my mind I am loosing attraction for my husband (or that I forced myself to be attracted to him). There are certain things about him that he can't change such as his height. I am just going to make sure we go to marriage counseling for "preventive measures." This can work. All hope is not lost. I was primarily needing guidance on not contacting my ex.

    I know I can't be the only person not attracted to their spouse. It sounds bad but it could be worse. Sex is good so that helps.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member mustlovedogs's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by KenyaJune10
    @ Capricorn3

    No my husband is not aware of my feelings. He would be crushed and things would never be the same with us. I guess it's too late to turn back. I don't want to ruin things for my son and we are talking of wanting to have another child soon. I'm not unhappy in my marriage. I just feel like in the back of my mind I am loosing attraction for my husband (or that I forced myself to be attracted to him). There are certain things about him that he can't change such as his height. I am just going to make sure we go to marriage counseling for "preventive measures." This can work. All hope is not lost. I was primarily needing guidance on not contacting my ex.

    I know I can't be the only person not attracted to their spouse. It sounds bad but it could be worse. Sex is good so that helps.
    Do you honestly think having another kid is a good choice?

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by KenyaJune10
    Yes you are probably right. However, I don't see my husband as attractive - this may be affecting our intimacy. On the other hand there may be something within myself I need to focus on. I can always work on improving myself and thus that may help me to see past my husband's flaws. .
    Work on yourself first, so you can be clear.

    You are not in a place of feeling love for anyone, actually. i would seek psychotherapy, which offers an approach similar to what helped me.

    Also, I would read about avoidant attachment style and also about codependency. Those topics may trigger some ideas to help you sort out your experiences.

  7. #26
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    Originally Posted by IAmFCA
    Work on yourself first, so you can be clear.

    You are not in a place of feeling love for anyone, actually. i would seek psychotherapy, which offers an approach similar to what helped me.

    Also, I would read about avoidant attachment style and also about codependency. Those topics may trigger some ideas to help you sort out your experiences.
    Thank you everyone. I will take to heart your suggestions (in weak moments I will come back to this thread) and will certainly go to a therapist - I'm all for optimal mental health. The attachment styles are interesting. I thought I was pretty securely attached but I do seem somewhat dismissive.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    What are "his flaws"? Is he slovenly or rude or out of shape or poorly groomed? Or are your cheating ways still nagging at you that there may be exciting temptations out there to compensate for a dull boring existence?

    This dilemma is entirely about you, not your ex bf or your husband's "flaws". Therefore only therapy can help this.
    Originally Posted by KenyaJune10
    Yes you are probably right. However, I don't see my husband as attractive - this may be affecting our intimacy. On the other hand there may be something within myself I need to focus on. I can always work on improving myself and thus that may help me to see past my husband's flaws. .

  9. #28
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    What are "his flaws"? Is he slovenly or rude or out of shape or poorly groomed? Or are your cheating ways still nagging at you that there may be exciting temptations out there to compensate for a dull boring existence?

    This dilemma is entirely about you, not your ex bf or your husband's "flaws". Therefore only therapy can help this.
    My husband is a great guy. He's very thoughtful and polite so no he's not rude. He short, and overweight (he does work out). He is not very affectionate like he used be. to be - holding my hand, cuddling. I wish that he was more intimate - not even talking about sex. In all seriousness as I'm answering question and writing more in the post I've seen that:
    1. the ex is def a no go
    2. I need therapy to understand myself
    3. My husband and I can have a thriving relationship and I can stay married because I do love my husband
    4.We will go (and have been planning to go) to marriage counseling even if for preventive measures.

    Thanks everyone for taking the time to help me!

  10. #29
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    '..2. I need therapy to understand myself'

    No you don't.. Based on what you posted, the reason why your ex is on your mind so much is that you've never been in love with your husband. You've never fancied or wanted him the way one does an intimate partner, you basically settled for him because he was there and available. Your feelings for your husband are those one would have for a very dear friend. No amount of therapy can change this.

    What you do is up to you. I know that I couldn't live a lie like this, not for anything. I wish you all the best.

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