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Thread: Help! Why am I suddenly obsessing over my ex but I'm married

  1. #11
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    Ok thank you. I won't contact my ex, I need to talk to a therapist about this. Perhaps I'm feeling this way because. My husband and I have move back to the area that I was in when I last was dating my ex. My ex was not in this area because it was long distance. It was also in Dec/Jan when we were last together so it's a combination of the location. time of year and also feelign liek I'm living a lie when I'm longing for my "true love" although it didn't work out - it was for reasons that I think could have been worked out.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I'm curious as to why you and your ex split up?

    Why did you not delete and throw away your past? You should not be holding on to this stuff.

    Do not contact your ex, and work on your marriage!
    Me and my ex boyfriend split up two different times. The first time in 2009 was because I wanted to leave - I cheated and felt guilty (I was young dumb and 20 years old). Consequently he got suspicious , looked through my computer and found some flirtatious facebook messages. He ultimately broke up with me. I never admitted to to him that I cheated at the time but years later admitted it. He forgave me. When we tried to get back together 6 years ago he thought I was settling for him, he was depressed and thought I was too critical and wasn't right for him. However I have never been in love with anyone else as much as him. It's complicated. I do feel like I'm living a lie because my ex pops up in my mind from time to time. It's like he occupied the other part of my heart.

    And I threw away every physical thing from my ex. But I do have some emails. I've delated 99% of the texts.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    your husband was your rebound ?

  4. #14
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    If you loved him, then why did you cheat? Youth is not an excuse. Why did you want to leave?

    I think you are idealizing this guy. Your relationship did not work then, and you split twice. I suggest some counseling to deal with all of this, because this is about you, not these men.

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  6. #15
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    Yes husband was my rebound. He is generally not what I'm attracted to. I was attracted to his personality and was afraid of never finding the one. So in some ways I settled. I have been pretty happy in my marriage . I just feel like I settled and now I have to spend my whole life with regret.

  7. #16
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    If you loved him, then why did you cheat? Youth is not an excuse. Why did you want to leave?

    I think you are idealizing this guy. Your relationship did not work then, and you split twice. I suggest some counseling to deal with all of this, because this is about you, not these men.
    Yea I really may be idealizing the ex bf. Subconsciously I cheated because he always made me feel like I was doing something wrong. He had high morals and was very rigid. He was almost like a father figure. My dad was not really in my life. So maybe although the correction my ex provided me was annoying - it was somewhat needed because I used to be really selfish and inconsiderate and the ex would call me out on my stuff. However I felt smothered. I was his first. I just thought I was too young to be tied down ( I was 19 and 20).

  8. #17
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    By the way although I don't condone cheating. I def think it's possible to love someone and still cheat. I was being stupid and selfish and after I cheated I realized how much I loved him anyway. Also the cheating came from confiding in a guy about my relationship as I was seeking advice and then we got closer. My played football in college and there were lots of times that we didn't spend as much time together.

  9. #18
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    This isn't about the ex at all, it is about you!

    Get some counseling, or you are going to screw up your family!

  10. #19
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    1. You called your H your best friend.
    2. Often, when we think we've settled, we are looking at someone else to fill in the blanks in our own lives. That is nobody else's job but our own.
    3. Nobody has flaws or perfections. Every trait is a source of strength and a source of difficulty.

    Learn to love your own set of traits and you will view these men differently.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    Saying this differently, the traits you think you're H is missing: those also are strengths that allow him to cope, strive, pursue, tolerate, understand... something. Think about that.

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