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Thread: Help! Why am I suddenly obsessing over my ex but I'm married

  1. #1
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    Help! Why am I suddenly obsessing over my ex but I'm married

    Hey ya'll. Let's get to it.



    For the past week or so I have been obsessing over my ex. I have spent two days at work (and at home) looking through our old emails, trying to find out old texts in my old cell phone, looking through bank statements that shows things I paid for for him, reading my old journal entries about him and the list goes on. I deletedmost of our text evidence anyway from the last time we tried to get together because I knew I may be tempted to go back and read the messages anyway.



    I have been married for 3 years and I have a 1 year old with my amazing husband. He loves me so much and I love him but I don't feel veryin-love. We make a good team but don't really have passion. I must admit that my husband was a rebound from my ex. About a month after breakingup with my ex I started datingmy current husband. Now I'm thinking about contactingmy ex just to see how he was doing.



    I love my son so much I would never want to get a divorce for the uncertainty of my ex. I just want to know if anyone has ever gone through this and how did you handle it. How should I handle it?

  2. #2
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    You handle it by deleting all of the old communications and old records. Then you tell your husband you want to work on making your marriage more compatible, fun, adventurous, whatever it is you feel it is lacking. No doubt your husband is feeling the lack as well.

    And don't lie to yourself, you don't want to contact your ex to "see how he's doing". You want to contact your ex to see if he still wants you.

    I don't think you want your son to have to experience his parents getting an acrimonious divorce because Mommy cheated on Daddy.

  3. #3
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    When you and your husband first met did he give you butterflies? If yes, remember that feeling next time you kiss him. Being mindful of what drew you in the first place might hepl to stoke the fire (it has for me in the past)

    And yeah, delete all traces, stop holding onto the past, isn't fair to your partner or yourself

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    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by KenyaJune10
    I love my son so much I would never want to get a divorce for the uncertainty of my ex.
    If you really love your son, as you say, and value your marriage then you should never contact your ex ever again. There is no such thing as "contacting ex just to see how he was doing" so you need to stop lying to yourself like that. You need to DELETE all old emails, texts and photos of him along with all his contact details. You also need to delete and block your ex from all your social media. It's like fighting an addiction. All triggers need to go.

    You took on the responsibility of bringing a child into this world. You owe it to this child to nurture and protect your marriage and family. Contacting exes for whatever reason is a big no no.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    You act like a responsible adult, that's how you handle it.
    You made your choice years ago. However it's turned out, this is the choice you made. It does not give you the right to mess with people's heads just cause you're feeling sad.

    You have a child with your husband and that child deserves a family. Your husband has been a good partner to you by the sounds of it, and he too deserves loyalty and love.

    If you feel the passion has waned, you talk to your husband, work things out, go on dates, find the spark again, even consider marriage counselling.
    But you don't huddle in the corner looking through your ex's things from years ago. That's ridiculous!

    You're someone's wife and Mother, you need to respect that!

    Delete, block, get rid of whatever reminds you of your ex. That's your only choice now a days.

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    I'm curious as to why you and your ex split up?

    Why did you not delete and throw away your past? You should not be holding on to this stuff.

    Do not contact your ex, and work on your marriage!

  8. #7
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    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    I'm curious as to why you and your ex split up?

    Why did you not delete and throw away your past? You should not be holding on to this stuff.

    Do not contact your ex, and work on your marriage!
    Not everyone deletes everything... just saying that to shore up the OP since different people handle things in different ways.

    OP your ex represents an escape of some kind. Your reality is overwhelming perhaps?

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    It may be best to focus on and reflect what's going on in your life right now, rather than what's going on in his. For example you mention you have a baby and the romance/passion is declining. Contacting an ex won't fix that. Are you working? Are you a SAHM?

    Contemplate whether this recent longing is more due to the current state of affairs in your life including day-to-day drudgery and merely providing a glamorized view of a carefree past.

    Go to a doctor and get a check up if you feel overwhelmed, tired, lacking a libido, etc. Get a referral to a therapist to unpack some of your current frustrations and getting some tips on how to improve your current situation, especially consider marital therapy. This ex fascination is a symptom of larger issues.

    Everyone looks fondly on more youthful, carefree times but if you are trying to use this ex as a representation of that and an escape from your currant reality, it won't help any of your problems. Do not contact this ex.
    Originally Posted by KenyaJune10
    I have been married for 3 years and I have a 1 year old .
    We make a good team but don't really have passion.
    I'm thinking about contactingmy ex just to see how he was doing.

  10. #9
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    You already have your answer, OP: you're doing this because you don't really see your husband as a romantic partner. You're bored and looking for excitement.

    Do not contact your ex. That is a terrible idea, for many reasons, and you run the risk of blowing your whole family apart. Delete any old communications/reminders of your ex.

    Instead, turn your attention back to your marriage and identify points where both you and your husband could improve things. Attend marital counselling to strengthen your partnership, if you think that could help.

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    Originally Posted by 1a1a
    When you and your husband first met did he give you butterflies? If yes, remember that feeling next time you kiss him. Being mindful of what drew you in the first place might hepl to stoke the fire (it has for me in the past)

    And yeah, delete all traces, stop holding onto the past, isn't fair to your partner or yourself
    I don't think my husband really gave me butterflies. I was never really nervous around him because we started out as friends. He's like my best friend. I'm not very in a romantic love. I do like that he was affectionate, funny, and driven. We had a lot in common - went to the same college. I think we were both tired of being single and got together.

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