Is he selfish or am I being too sensitive?

So there is this guy that I am dating for three months.

I am going through really difficult and tough times due to a huge deadline I have at the end of this month. Its my phd thesis deadline. 5 years of hardwork. Its so important to me. I am overstressing because I still have a lot to do and I am not even sure if I will be able to meet the deadline with a decent piece of work.

We talk about this alot. He knows how stressed I am. He calls me to make me feel better or he tries to help me as much as possible with the writing.

But I realised that he may lack empathy a little bit. He went away with work this weekend. to a pace where I would love to go as well. Actually we talked bout this, he know i love this place. I am already feeling bad that I cannot even go out, meet friends or even sleep because I need to constantly write my thesis. This has been going on for the last couple of months.

before he went there, he was like i dont wanna go, I want to be with you and help you bla bla bla. when he is there he was like we should come here together when you are done etc.

But today he puts a picture on social media, with the beautiful view, and him having fun.

When I thought about it, I would never post a picture if I cared about the person I am dating and I know they are going through such a difficult time and wished they were where I was. I would at least wait until i come back, show him pictures etc and then do it. Just so he doesnt feel bad.

Would you do that?

To me it feels like all he does is say words, perhaps he doesnt even mean anything he says.

Or am I overly sensitive because of what I am going through?

PS: He went to Thailand last month. this was booked before we met. When he was tehre he did the same. he constantly put pictures. I didnt mind it. even though I was still struggling with my thesis. I just went offline and concantrated on my work. When he came back he was like I will not go away without you. we will always be together. But really? If you lack empathy how can we proceed?

You're being too sensitive. Your deadline and how you feel about it is not his responsibility. It's not on him to stop travelling and walk on eggshells around you avoiding to take pictures and post them just because you feel stressed.

He has all the right to go out, specially with work, and post whatever he wants on social media. He's been supportive otherwise so if this is the issues I honestly think this is a no issue.

Call me strange, but I actually enjoy seeing my partner enjoying herself. I can't imagine her posting a picture somewhere lovely and thinking, "That b*tch."

Call me strange, but I actually enjoy seeing my partner enjoying herself. I can't imagine her posting a picture somewhere lovely and thinking, "That b*tch."

i guess you are missing the point i am making.

As someone who is also very sensitive herself, I'll tell you: I think you're being too sensitive.

You're probably not very available for "fun dating" right now, and he knows this, so he figured, he'll go somewhere fun himself, and hey, scope it out so that the two of you can go once you're finished with your thesis.

Posting pictures is not meant to be a stab at you, but rather his own little documentation of his trip.

Call him right now, and tell him you're so glad he's having so much fun, and that you miss him, and that you can't wait to have fun adventures with him when he's home.

Or, lose your boyfriend. Your choice.

Do you want your partner to be as miserable as you? That seems somewhat selfish.

I agree completely with LH Girl. You’re working toward a PhD. You’re not sick thank goodness - and even then - after three months of dating sure he should show support and encouragement but before you started dating him who would you have contacted - if anyone ? You chose to work towards a PhD. Many years ago I had a similar goal and was in a serious relationship. What I did - I basically told him I couldn’t see him for X amount of time (a few weeks I think) and just got the work done. He had a similar background so he helped where he could but I knew I needed to do this on my own and I don’t remember having the level of expectations you seem to have. I’ve had several other instances like you describe. And yes I feel vulnerable and yes I tell myself that I am strong and I can do it. Heck on my very first day of work after 7 years away as a full time mom I was so anxious. And as of the night before my son seemed unwell and my husband said no he absolutely could not delay his business trip even if I had to miss my first day of work. And no he didn’t really relate to why I was so anxious and didn’t relate to how awful I would feel if I had to delay my first day. And you know what - I accepted it - he’s not my clone - and I accepted that sometimes he’s not going to get it. And then turned to potential alternatives if my son woke up sick. And that’s another thing- do not waste time and energy on resenting your boyfriend. Channel the energy to buckling down to work or finding an alternative outlet for your anxiety whether it’s power walking or calling a friend (I’ve done both). Good luck on your thesis!!

I respect that you're working toward your phd. I can't imagine the stress and dedication.

Now with that said, you must realize that people do things for reasons that have nothing to do with you. Even your BF.

i guess you are missing the point i am making.

Honestly, you are the one missing the point. Your perspective on your situation is way off.

My 2 cents is this: Just because YOU would handle a situation a certain way, doesn't mean that if your BF doesn't do it then he's wrong, wrong, wrong. You cannot compare your BF's actions to what you would do, because he is not you, nor is he a mind reader that will know "what you would do" and then do the same. He is going off what he thinks is best and what will make you feel better, and what he did was tell you how he felt, that he didn't want to go and that he wanted to stay behind and help you with your thesis. So in his mind...the matter was all settled. He didn't know that posting a pic of him innocently having fun would create these negative feelings in you. Honestly, that is not his fault & I hope you don't blame him for it.

He saw it as sharing & being open and honest. Not bragging. You are seeing this in a different light because of how badly you want to go to this place, and you are probably under a great deal of stress, which isn't helping I'm sure.

He "lacks empathy" because he posted a pic on social media of the place he's visiting?

Did the pic include women hanging all over him or him whooping it up on the dance floor or something?

Would you prefer he post or say nothing and have you questioning "Why hasn't he posted anything, what is he hiding?"

Agree with, well, everyone.

And I don't mean that to sound harsh, at all. I work in a deadline-heavy profession—I am, you could say, always working on a thesis. It often tugs me out of life, throws me deep into my own head, makes me feel like fraud and a failure, often isolated from those I love—and, of course, them from me.

That last point is important, regarding the nature of empathy, and something I think you're overlooking.

See, I used to be much more self-involved. My stresses and my struggles—along with my successes and failures—sometimes seemed like the only things happening. And I'd get needy, thirsty for support—so needy that I'd forget that others needed support as I do. From me, from others, from within.

Now I've learned to find a kind of comfort and calm—and a rich, loving community—in remembering that my stresses aren't unique or special. That in my own fragility is a reminder that everyone is fragile. That everyone (my mother, my friends, my partner, you, LH, Batya, j.man, everyone) is battling their version of the same pressures. We are all under the gun.

Heck, sometimes the pressures those closest to me are dealing with are, well, me. Me being a stress case who has little to give. If they need a break from me by having a glass of wine with friends—or taking a trip—I will support that and revel in it and even encourage it. Their joy, even if not shared directly with me, lightens me.

When you start looking at it all through this lens, something funny happens: your own anxiety is minimized, giving you perspective, even decreasing the stress. Your own troubled feelings allow you to feel for the troubles of another—and to revel in another's joys, even when you are in a joyless place.

And that is empathy. Or at least the sort of healthy exchange of empathy that makes relationships work. Give it and you get it back.

Your boyfriend sounds, from what you've written, like he's shown a lot of empathy. He talks with you about your thesis, about your stress, calls to check in. He is, in other words, making your struggles part of his life, which is the definition of empathy. He feels for you, and is showing that.

That doesn't mean he cannot live his life, be it his own stresses and struggles and, yes, his desire for pleasure, for fun, to say nothing of his need for support and, perhaps, a momentary escape from you. Like, say, a trip. Like, say, posting about the trip because that feels good.

You know what would make him feel really good, I bet? Hearing from you that it looks like he's having an amazing time and that you can't wait to hear about it when he gets back. Put that energy out there and see what comes back.

My concern with the dynamic you've described is that it sounds that he has come to feel bad for having a good time, feels like he cannot be excited while you are stressed, and he's overcompensating for that by saying lofty things to you like he'll never go away without you, etc. He's on eggshells. He's scared you'll be upset with him for being, well, happy.

So what you're calling a lack of empathy is actually a failure of open, honest communication between the two of you—a co-created dynamic that is not the healthiest. It's a momentary diversion from the narrative you need right now, or believe you need, which is that you are the most stressed person on the planet and it is his role to reinforce that 24/7.

Mind you, I'm not pointing a finger at you and calling you a witch. You are in the weeds with a thesis. Sorry for that. Good luck with that. Feeling for you—truly. As I write this, I am under a tremendous amount of pressure to finish a project in 4 days. I get it. I so get it. Just trying to help you see things from a different angle, so you don't allow a supportive relationship to add to your stress or for your stress to put a dent in what sounds like a supportive relationship.

Waaaaay too sensitive. He should not have to stop his life because you have not finished your thesis. This is your deal. You should be happy he is having a good time.

I'm sorry, but you sound a bit dramatic and selfish. Damn, he has even helped you with your work. If you do not change you attitude, you will lose a good guy.

Four threads on this guy, and you haven't even been dating three months.

I think your heavy load right now has just clouded your rational ....Just remind yourself that this hard work is worth it and soon it will be you posting pics of your wonderful holidays to come ..in the meantime ..shake it away and just accept he is living his life .

i guess you are missing the point i am making.

It would be one thing if you were studying, heard a couple loud thuds on your door, went to check it out, and *BAM* dude kicks the door in because he's so excited to tell you how amazing everything was. But it's not. Guy's literally just enjoying himself and you're letting your stress turn into spite. Don't be that cliche.

I remember when my wife was going through her residency and was working on getting published. Never once caught **** for doing something fun on my own. In fact, she was happy-- not just for me being happy, but because she had all the breathing room she needed to study. I didn't put a gun to her head and tell her to go into medicine. I'm doubting this guy coerced you into your studies. Owning and coping with the stress is the responsibility you take on when electively taking this step toward your development and future opportunities. It won't be the last time, so you'll want to work on that.

He "lacks empathy" because he posted a pic on social media of the place he's visiting?

 

Did the pic include women hanging all over him or him whooping it up on the dance floor or something?

 

Would you prefer he post or say nothing and have you questioning "Why hasn't he posted anything, what is he hiding?"

Or maybe she prefers that he makes a post saying he's miserable or stressed so that she doesn't feel bad for him feeling happy and having fun in a beautiful place.

I didn't mean to sound harsh OP. I commend you for your efforts on your thesis and all the hard work. I hope that this is because of the stress and that this is not how you generally react. This stress is just temporary and soon you'll be out of it. In the meanwhile let your boyfriend enjoy his life, be happy for him and don't demand him to wallow on your stress and feel stressed too or stop his life because of you.

You're focused on the wrong stuff. You've devoted 5 years to get to where your thesis will lead you, and you're lamenting about a new guy's social media? REally?

I'd decide that I'm a big girl and professional enough to pull this off. I'd put my eyes back on my own paper and get 'er done. Then you can go play wherever you want.

Head high, and stop distracting yourself.

In a healthy relationship, one partner's happy when the other one's having a good time, including when they're not together (assuming that it's 'appropriate' for someone in a relationship, and not going to lapdancing clubs or opium dens!). Speaking from experience, it's very stressful when your partner is demanding attention you just haven't got to give because you're working towards a deadline, so the fact that he functions well independently of you is also very healthy. It wouldn't be good for either of you if he was moping around waiting for you to become available again - at best you'd both be miserable, and you'd feel guilt-tripped and pressured.

He's already expressed regret that he would be going without you, but - appropriately - he's gone anyway because it was a works do. He wants you to go there with him when the time comes. Why on earth do you think that him putting up a picture of himself means he lacks empathy? Do you really think that he should be feeling pressured and have no social life because that's the path you've chosen for the time being, or hide his experiences from you because you might not like it? You aren't able to accompany him because you've made the decision to study for a PhD; it's not as if he's pushed you out because you didn't have enough money to go, for example, where putting up pictures would be really rubbing your nose in it.

In fact, one question you could ask yourself is "Who's really the one who's lacking in empathy here?"... especially because your real gripe with him is because he's not handling it the way you would. That's about control, expecting him to be a mind reader and then feeling resentful when he doesn't act according to your (unexpressed) wishes. He's already shown you plenty of empathy in his desire to help and support you in any way he can.

So, for now, all this has to go on a back burner, put all your energies and considerable intelligence into your work - and remember there's plenty to look forward to when you come out the other side.

Good luck with your thesis!