When your guy is someones dad...

Afternoon all

I wonder if you might have some pointers and words of wisdom.

The guy Im seeing is a dad of two, now that isnt something that is a bad thing by any means, and Im proud of him for how he strives to be a good dad. I love him to pieces, we are on the same page about the fundamentals, and hes amazing in such allot of ways, i could list all the positives and be here a while. Our respective families get along well, and we really do think that we have longevity here.

Things kinda get wobbily where the kids are involved to an extent. I even from the begining told him that should my being in his life make things difficult in respect of his kids then Id walk away. Something he wont hear of. The relationship with his baby momma is strained, she has made a list of exacting demands in respect of my involvement in the kids life, and has been making threats. She has already had a pop at us in the shop a few months ago, and her family have been harrassing my family over social media, its a bit worrying.

I havent as yet even met the children. We have been planning an introduction at the end of the month. But its feeling all a bit too heavy, and Im in two minds about it all. I know how important this meeting is, and I know I have to get it right. One side of my brain thinks perhaps its too early ( although we have been together since the summer) and too much pressure when we should still be enjoying ourselves. But then the other tells me that I need to know how this is going to pan out before I invest anything more in this.

obviously this is a whistle top summary, any of you have any tales of how this worked out with you or any pointers, etc

Thanks

F x

her family have been harrassing my family over social media, its a bit worrying

This is his ex wife, what has he done to make this stop? he needs to put his foot down and tell her enough is enough. If it doesn't stop, authorities need to be brought in.

She or her family have no right to harass you or your family.

It has been taken very seriously. She doesnt appear to be aware of the behaviour of her own family. There have been issues from her own family prior to my arriving on the scene, so this incident has been added to a long list and the police have already been involved.

Thanks Sherry

If you intend on still pursuing a relationship with him, despite the ex wife's behavior then here are a couple of my pointers:

1.) Don't get involved in family business. His kids are his kids and his ex's. They decide what goes on, when visits happen, when he takes the kids, etc. Unfortunately for the gf, it's not something you can or should be involved in.

You can listen to his problems regarding his kids and his ex, but don't step in and don't become involved, its not your place.

2.) Don't try to parent the kids. They will resent you and it will cause problems with your bf and the ex. They have a Mom and if there is any kind of problem between you and them, talk to their father.

3.) Expect that they will be awkward around you, but don't take it personally. They want their Mom and Dad to be together and won't be so accepting of someone new.

Try to understand that and have empathy for it instead of being hurt over it. After all, they're just kids with a broken family.

If you intend on still pursuing a relationship with him, despite the ex wife's behavior then here are a couple of my pointers:

 

1.) Don't get involved in family business. His kids are his kids and his ex's. They decide what goes on, when visits happen, when he takes the kids, etc. Unfortunately for the gf, it's not something you can or should be involved in.

You can listen to his problems regarding his kids and his ex, but don't step in and don't become involved, its not your place.

 

2.) Don't try to parent the kids. They will resent you and it will cause problems with your bf and the ex. They have a Mom and if there is any kind of problem between you and them, talk to their father.

 

3.) Expect that they will be awkward around you, but don't take it personally. They want their Mom and Dad to be together and won't be so accepting of someone new.

Try to understand that and have empathy for it instead of being hurt over it. After all, they're just kids with a broken family.

Totally agree with this.

Plus I'd keep all the proof like messages and stuff that his family is harassing you/her family and go to the police if necessary. Block and delete everyone if necessary. This mess is unnecessary and harassment and threats are a crime.

But its feeling all a bit too heavy, and Im in two minds about it all. I know how important this meeting is, and I know I have to get it right. One side of my brain thinks perhaps its too early ( although we have been together since the summer) and too much pressure when we should still be enjoying ourselves. But then the other tells me that I need to know how this is going to pan out before I invest anything more in this.

Wow, I can totally relate to your situation. In my case, I had reconnected with a former boyfriend. We began the second relationship already knowing that we loved each other. We knew each other's respective families. My mom absolutely loved him. Everything on that side of things was great.

The problem came in where his children and ex-girlfriend were concerned. He had two kids with her and had all but adopted her son, who he'd raised from infancy. He loved his children, and was an engaged father who was completely devoted to them. But his ex's family was messed up. And she was pretty messed up, too.

Like most people (unfortunately), they used the children as pawns to control what other people could and couldn't do. I could see that ugliness coming a mile away. People get crazy ideas of entitlement and omniscience when they become parents and it can become impossible to navigate. I wanted no part of that, and I ended the relationship before things ever had a chance to get out of hand.

It's sort of sad in a way because he and I loved each other and made a great couple. But I didn't want that volatility in my life. If he'd handled it properly, it would have been a different story. But he didn't.

Years later, his subsequent girlfriend called me to get my insight on his children's mother and her family. Poor thing was tearing her hair out over them.

So, I totally understand your position. I don't know what the correct choice is for you, but I think you have the problem clearly outlined and you're thinking about the right things. One thing that I can say with confidence is that this guy and his kids are a package deal. I would meet the kids as soon as possible. That way, I could catch a glimpse of the disaster I'm facing early on.

Most people don’t use their children as pawns. Immature emotionally stunted individuals use their children as pawns or new girlfriends/boyfriends poke and poke and see the ex as a threat so they perceive it as much either way it’s not the norm.

OPer... I have so many questions.

You’ve been dating since the summer, it’s now winter, girl you ain’t even made it through all the seasons yet and you’re contemplating meeting them while all this drama is going on DONT.

Next question cause I’ve dated a couple men with children in my lifetime, how is her family this aware of who you are that they’re hareassing you on social media? It just reeks of purposeful drama, not saying you but somebody... you’ve been dating mere months...

How done is their relationship? Do you want to insert yourself into a situation that is still healing?

Totally agree with this.

 

Plus I'd keep all the proof like messages and stuff that his family is harassing you/her family and go to the police if necessary. Block and delete everyone if necessary. This mess is unnecessary and harassment and threats are a crime.

Annia.. Sadly I know too well how the law works with harrassment having had to get a restraining order in the past. Indeed I have blocked everyone involved and my family and infact anyone close to me has done the same. The police are aware too.

 

But his ex's family was messed up. And she was pretty messed up, too.

 

But I didn't want that volatility in my life. If he'd handled it properly, it would have been a different story. But he didn't.

 

.

His ex does certainly appear to be a messed up individual, I am told that one of her closest friends has even been a guest on Jeremy Kyle which says enough. I too am not entirely sure I want nore can handle the volatility in my life either, giving me itchy feet. He however is handling the situation in a very grown up manner thankfully.

 

Most people don’t use their children as pawns.

 

You’ve been dating since the summer, it’s now winter, girl you ain’t even made it through all the seasons yet and you’re contemplating meeting them

 

how is her family this aware of who you are that they’re hareassing you on social media? It just reeks of purposeful drama, not saying you but somebody... you’ve been dating mere months...

 

How done is their relationship? Do you want to insert yourself into a situation that is still healing?

Indeed I agree that grown adults of sound mind dont use their children as pawns, and I certainly didnt envisage these dynamics when I was getting involved with a Dad, however this individual is not someone whom I attribute to being either of these. He however hasnt been engaging in any back and forth thankfully.

I wonder how long one should be involved with someone before meeting their children, should i have my life on pause for years only to have to walk away when it doesnt work. I simply will not waste my life like that nore have it hanging over us for an age like a dark cloud, and he doesnt want to either.

Her family is not actually targeting me at all, they have targetted my family. To be fair they have had to be calculating to find said information out. It has now stopped since the police issued the family a warning.

Their relationship is very very done, divorce finalised long ago, and legalities of child access also cleared through the correct channels, She is already seeing a new guy to which the children have already had involvement with.

I think it all comes down to how much you are willing to deal with as far as the baby mother and her involvement.

As a mom I can sympathize it probably IS hard seeing your kids dad dating a new women, who will potentially become a part in your kids life. That being said adults need to conduct themselves as adults. She is behaving petty, jealous and childish. Harassing you on social media is probably just the start. Are you okay with dealing with this as a price you pay for being with him? Would you be ready to take on a step mother role to two children in the future? These are just examples of questions that hold the answer.

Everybodies different. Some women would probably chose to turn the other cheek for the sake of their love for the man. However just know it won't end there. Who knows how vindictive this women truly is. She may bad mouth you to her kids, threaten to take him to court over custody battles etc. It all comes down to how willing someone is to enter that situation. Remember at the end of the day she will probably make his life difficult no matter who the women is.

At the end of the day I only feel bad for the kids who will most likely be caught in the middle. But I do think if you don't want the drama, don't think it's worth it etc I would walk away. Definitely put off the introductions to his kids based on this post. You are not ready. Give it time to see if this is what you want or if it may be better to cut your losses. No answer is wrong.

Seems like the poor kids are getting overlooked in this situation.

Please do not meet them for a long while. Five - six months of dating is not long enough, especially when the situation is so volatile. And their mother is possibly telling them terrible things about you.

If this continues and it's possible the innocent children could become damaged, I'd recommend walking away for their sake.

I really am saddened by these replies. I know that by very nature of these places it is open for interpretation and its very nature is for people to pass judgement and offer their opinions. However I am astounded by the negativity here. I had hoped for some reassurance, some tips and maybe pointers about how to manage the meeting and a future relationship with the children and a new dynamic.

I love this guy, but I am not above wanting to protect myself from hurt. He and i have been close for well over a year, granted things became serious 6 months ago. It isnt just dating we are in a committed relationship, which is why we have spent time with respective families. I may not have children but i dont introduce a guy to my family unless its serious and we have future plans.

The issues in respect of his ex-wife's family have silenced since the authorities have been involved. His ex wife how ever is a different story. Listening to friends, family, work colleagues, and even the removal guy i doubt that her thorn will ever be far from our side. Should we allow her to bully him and me into submission about moving on with his life as she evidently has?

I havent overlooked the children and their welfare, there have been a number of times where I could have met them quite by accident but i have chosen not to and have been very careful doing so. They are aware of my presence in their dads life and are keen to meet me, infact his daughter has even written me a letter. I am not an insensitive individual and in life i am in a professional role in the community. I am CRB checked (yes i realise it changed its name) too.

Im sure it isnt unusual to feel some what over whelmed by it all, I dont want to have to defend our relationship too, nore my intentions. The whole step mum thing is entirely new to me and something I want to get right for all parties involved.

Heres hoping.

This is his ex wife, what has he done to make this stop? he needs to put his foot down and tell her enough is enough. If it doesn't stop, authorities need to be brought in.

She or her family have no right to harass you or your family.

I agree.....

I really am saddened by these replies. I know that by very nature of these places it is open for interpretation and its very nature is for people to pass judgement and offer their opinions. However I am astounded by the negativity here. I had hoped for some reassurance, some tips and maybe pointers about how to manage the meeting and a future relationship with the children and a new dynamic.

 

I love this guy, but I am not above wanting to protect myself from hurt. He and i have been close for well over a year, granted things became serious 6 months ago. It isnt just dating we are in a committed relationship, which is why we have spent time with respective families. I may not have children but i dont introduce a guy to my family unless its serious and we have future plans.

 

The issues in respect of his ex-wife's family have silenced since the authorities have been involved. His ex wife how ever is a different story. Listening to friends, family, work colleagues, and even the removal guy i doubt that her thorn will ever be far from our side. Should we allow her to bully him and me into submission about moving on with his life as she evidently has?

 

I havent overlooked the children and their welfare, there have been a number of times where I could have met them quite by accident but i have chosen not to and have been very careful doing so. They are aware of my presence in their dads life and are keen to meet me, infact his daughter has even written me a letter. I am not an insensitive individual and in life i am in a professional role in the community. I am CRB checked (yes i realise it changed its name) too.

 

Im sure it isnt unusual to feel some what over whelmed by it all, I dont want to have to defend our relationship too, nore my intentions. The whole step mum thing is entirely new to me and something I want to get right for all parties involved.

 

Heres hoping.

Well if you wanted an echo chamber you could have let that be known before you posed the question and let us know the shortness of the relationship on top of the drama.

I think you’re being incredibly naive about all this. Dating anyone with children is complicated. The fact is all this drama wouldn’t exist if their chapter was closed, it simply wouldn’t. coparenting is a very big part of my life and When it comes to dating especially for a few months it’s simply not an issue because children should not be involved this early.

Communication should be open between your boyfriend and his ex and it’s not, that doesn’t indicate they’re in a healthy place at all and honestly it’s pretty selfish for him to drag you into all this. The fact that you know she’s dating and all these details and her family and have involved the authorities after 6 months... girl... recognize a red flag when you see it.

I’m sad you expected people to say anything differently...

If you want to get being a ‘step mum’ right first stay in your lane you are nothing to them at this point HE is your boyfriend, they are HIS children, that’s it. IF your relationship gets to that point you’ll know. Practice respecting their boundaries as well as your own.

OP, what has your boyfriend done to draw a boundary with his ex?

I understand there's only so much he can do, of course, but I am curious what his interactions with her look like. In other words, how does he respond when she starts getting angry?

I was friends with and then was in a relationship with a man who has a son. One of the things that I loved about him. I fell in love with him more when I saw them together. My relationship was fantastic and a great friendship.

I always supported him but I always stood back when it came to giving any opinions. His relationship with his sons mum is strained. I never met her but I heard a lot of stories of how awful this woman is. That was his version though. Either way, she was bringing up a boy who was absolutely amazing and she was doing a great job.

My main advice is to don’t get too involved with the parenting side.

How old are the children?

First of all, she is not a "baby momma". she is either his ex wife and mother of his children or is the mother of his children and a former girlfried. "baby momma" is so demeaning.

How long have you been dating - unless i didn't catch it.

She ABSOLUTELY can dictate your involvement as far as no sleepovers when the kids are at his house, etc. And if you have only been on the scene a couple months - you should not be around the kids or hardly. At 6 months, you should not have met them at all -- or just simply introduced as a friend. you should not be parenting these kids, nor should you really be around on the days he has them

Im not entirely sure about the peoples view point on the term 'dating'. I am by no means in such a casual or fluid level of involvement with this guy. It is a bit rilling. We are in a committed and serious relationship. Not some casual hit and miss kind of thing.

As far as I was aware children have two parents who can make decisions about their welfare. Not just one parent who sets a rigid set of rules and the other parent has to lump it come what may. I do not know why it is acceptable for her to have all the cards in this situation. By that token she will infinately control the direction of our lives, that is simply not acceptable.

Why is it acceptable for her new beau to be involved in the childrens life, without any discussion with their dad? Double standards here....

He has done as much as he can to protect everyone involved from upset, and doesnt engage in any arguements that she keeps trying to envoke. Relations between the two are unlikely to ever be smooth, and that is something I have seen in the lives of other people. Goodness I know of someone who has a third party who deals with handovers and all communication has to be dealt with via that person, and that arrangement has been in place for years. So it isnt unusual.

Its funny really, but had I just been a friend there wouldnt be these kind of questions, I could be around when ever. Iv met my friends children so much earlier and stayed with them at their house, even gone on holiday with them and their kids.

I have no intention of replacing their mother. In respect of 'parenting' them, this does somewhat confuse me what does that actually mean, Im not allowed to chastise them should they fall out, or will fully attempt to damage something. That was something i was expected to do when I was babysitting children years back, or when i ran the brownies. If asked for advice am i not to give it.. deffer that to their dad.

I havent met these two as yet, and it is new to me I dont entirely know what my role is, hopefully we will learn together.

Unfortunately all the problems originate with your bf's lack of boundaries and backbone. His ex and his kids are not the problem, he is.