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Thread: When your guy is someones dad...

  1. #1
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    When your guy is someones dad...

    Afternoon all

    I wonder if you might have some pointers and words of wisdom.

    The guy Im seeing is a dad of two, now that isnt something that is a bad thing by any means, and Im proud of him for how he strives to be a good dad. I love him to pieces, we are on the same page about the fundamentals, and hes amazing in such allot of ways, i could list all the positives and be here a while. Our respective families get along well, and we really do think that we have longevity here.

    Things kinda get wobbily where the kids are involved to an extent. I even from the begining told him that should my being in his life make things difficult in respect of his kids then Id walk away. Something he wont hear of. The relationship with his baby momma is strained, she has made a list of exacting demands in respect of my involvement in the kids life, and has been making threats. She has already had a pop at us in the shop a few months ago, and her family have been harrassing my family over social media, its a bit worrying.

    I havent as yet even met the children. We have been planning an introduction at the end of the month. But its feeling all a bit too heavy, and Im in two minds about it all. I know how important this meeting is, and I know I have to get it right. One side of my brain thinks perhaps its too early ( although we have been together since the summer) and too much pressure when we should still be enjoying ourselves. But then the other tells me that I need to know how this is going to pan out before I invest anything more in this.

    obviously this is a whistle top summary, any of you have any tales of how this worked out with you or any pointers, etc

    Thanks
    F x

  2. #2
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    her family have been harrassing my family over social media, its a bit worrying
    This is his ex wife, what has he done to make this stop? he needs to put his foot down and tell her enough is enough. If it doesn't stop, authorities need to be brought in.
    She or her family have no right to harass you or your family.

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    It has been taken very seriously. She doesnt appear to be aware of the behaviour of her own family. There have been issues from her own family prior to my arriving on the scene, so this incident has been added to a long list and the police have already been involved.

    Thanks Sherry

  4. #4
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    If you intend on still pursuing a relationship with him, despite the ex wife's behavior then here are a couple of my pointers:

    1.) Don't get involved in family business. His kids are his kids and his ex's. They decide what goes on, when visits happen, when he takes the kids, etc. Unfortunately for the gf, it's not something you can or should be involved in.
    You can listen to his problems regarding his kids and his ex, but don't step in and don't become involved, its not your place.

    2.) Don't try to parent the kids. They will resent you and it will cause problems with your bf and the ex. They have a Mom and if there is any kind of problem between you and them, talk to their father.

    3.) Expect that they will be awkward around you, but don't take it personally. They want their Mom and Dad to be together and won't be so accepting of someone new.
    Try to understand that and have empathy for it instead of being hurt over it. After all, they're just kids with a broken family.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    If you intend on still pursuing a relationship with him, despite the ex wife's behavior then here are a couple of my pointers:

    1.) Don't get involved in family business. His kids are his kids and his ex's. They decide what goes on, when visits happen, when he takes the kids, etc. Unfortunately for the gf, it's not something you can or should be involved in.
    You can listen to his problems regarding his kids and his ex, but don't step in and don't become involved, its not your place.

    2.) Don't try to parent the kids. They will resent you and it will cause problems with your bf and the ex. They have a Mom and if there is any kind of problem between you and them, talk to their father.

    3.) Expect that they will be awkward around you, but don't take it personally. They want their Mom and Dad to be together and won't be so accepting of someone new.
    Try to understand that and have empathy for it instead of being hurt over it. After all, they're just kids with a broken family.
    Totally agree with this.

    Plus I'd keep all the proof like messages and stuff that his family is harassing you/her family and go to the police if necessary. Block and delete everyone if necessary. This mess is unnecessary and harassment and threats are a crime.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by flowers3
    But its feeling all a bit too heavy, and Im in two minds about it all. I know how important this meeting is, and I know I have to get it right. One side of my brain thinks perhaps its too early ( although we have been together since the summer) and too much pressure when we should still be enjoying ourselves. But then the other tells me that I need to know how this is going to pan out before I invest anything more in this.
    Wow, I can totally relate to your situation. In my case, I had reconnected with a former boyfriend. We began the second relationship already knowing that we loved each other. We knew each other's respective families. My mom absolutely loved him. Everything on that side of things was great.

    The problem came in where his children and ex-girlfriend were concerned. He had two kids with her and had all but adopted her son, who he'd raised from infancy. He loved his children, and was an engaged father who was completely devoted to them. But his ex's family was messed up. And she was pretty messed up, too.

    Like most people (unfortunately), they used the children as pawns to control what other people could and couldn't do. I could see that ugliness coming a mile away. People get crazy ideas of entitlement and omniscience when they become parents and it can become impossible to navigate. I wanted no part of that, and I ended the relationship before things ever had a chance to get out of hand.

    It's sort of sad in a way because he and I loved each other and made a great couple. But I didn't want that volatility in my life. If he'd handled it properly, it would have been a different story. But he didn't.

    Years later, his subsequent girlfriend called me to get my insight on his children's mother and her family. Poor thing was tearing her hair out over them.

    So, I totally understand your position. I don't know what the correct choice is for you, but I think you have the problem clearly outlined and you're thinking about the right things. One thing that I can say with confidence is that this guy and his kids are a package deal. I would meet the kids as soon as possible. That way, I could catch a glimpse of the disaster I'm facing early on.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member figureitout23's Avatar
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    Most people donít use their children as pawns. Immature emotionally stunted individuals use their children as pawns or new girlfriends/boyfriends poke and poke and see the ex as a threat so they perceive it as much either way itís not the norm.

    OPer... I have so many questions.

    Youíve been dating since the summer, itís now winter, girl you ainít even made it through all the seasons yet and youíre contemplating meeting them while all this drama is going on DONT.

    Next question cause Iíve dated a couple men with children in my lifetime, how is her family this aware of who you are that theyíre hareassing you on social media? It just reeks of purposeful drama, not saying you but somebody... youíve been dating mere months...

    How done is their relationship? Do you want to insert yourself into a situation that is still healing?

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    Originally Posted by Annia
    Totally agree with this.

    Plus I'd keep all the proof like messages and stuff that his family is harassing you/her family and go to the police if necessary. Block and delete everyone if necessary. This mess is unnecessary and harassment and threats are a crime.
    Annia.. Sadly I know too well how the law works with harrassment having had to get a restraining order in the past. Indeed I have blocked everyone involved and my family and infact anyone close to me has done the same. The police are aware too.

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by Jibralta

    But his ex's family was messed up. And she was pretty messed up, too.

    But I didn't want that volatility in my life. If he'd handled it properly, it would have been a different story. But he didn't.

    .
    His ex does certainly appear to be a messed up individual, I am told that one of her closest friends has even been a guest on Jeremy Kyle which says enough. I too am not entirely sure I want nore can handle the volatility in my life either, giving me itchy feet. He however is handling the situation in a very grown up manner thankfully.

  11. #10
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    Originally Posted by figureitout23

    Most people donít use their children as pawns.

    Youíve been dating since the summer, itís now winter, girl you ainít even made it through all the seasons yet and youíre contemplating meeting them

    how is her family this aware of who you are that theyíre hareassing you on social media? It just reeks of purposeful drama, not saying you but somebody... youíve been dating mere months...

    How done is their relationship? Do you want to insert yourself into a situation that is still healing?
    Indeed I agree that grown adults of sound mind dont use their children as pawns, and I certainly didnt envisage these dynamics when I was getting involved with a Dad, however this individual is not someone whom I attribute to being either of these. He however hasnt been engaging in any back and forth thankfully.

    I wonder how long one should be involved with someone before meeting their children, should i have my life on pause for years only to have to walk away when it doesnt work. I simply will not waste my life like that nore have it hanging over us for an age like a dark cloud, and he doesnt want to either.

    Her family is not actually targeting me at all, they have targetted my family. To be fair they have had to be calculating to find said information out. It has now stopped since the police issued the family a warning.

    Their relationship is very very done, divorce finalised long ago, and legalities of child access also cleared through the correct channels, She is already seeing a new guy to which the children have already had involvement with.

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