I have became verbally abusive to my GF and can't stop..

I met my GF about 5.5 years ago fell deeply in love but she had some major issues, was massively controlling, violent, regular panic attacks and after the honeymoon period the relationship was a constant battle with extreme highs and lows. I was very caring, just wanted to help, never retaliated and could never have imagined myself becoming the way I am now. (I should have walked away and i did a few times but we always got back together).

Fast forward to now and she has improved dramatically hasn't been violent for years, still a bit of a pain in the ass but probably closer to the realms of a normal GF. The problem is now I am full of resentment and anger from how she treat me in the past, I get angry so easily, am ultra-sensitive to any attempts of controlling behavior and when we argue i can't stop myself saying horrendous things.

"psycho, head, mental, retard, stupid cow" and telling her i'm only like this because of her past abuse.

I want to change and be more like the guy I was, I've tried to stop, but don't know how...

also I'm completely off sex with her which i imagine is probably related to the resentment.

Thanks

No, you can't use the excuse that you didn't like how she acted, past, present or future, so you had to be abusive...it doesn't work that way.

If you don't like how she is, if the sex is bad, if she's not a good gf, if you're not happy....leave.

But the abuse is all on YOUR shoulders, no excuses.

Get some anger management classes and/or decide if the relationship is even worth fixing. If it is..get help with the abuse asap. Possibly even go into couples counselling or personal counselling.

But never is it okay to blame someone for abuse you hand out.

I agree, however I still know that it's happening because of the severe mental and physical abuse I experienced from her, so I find it difficult to accept complete responsibility in my own mind. It's not like i'm not satisfied with aspects of the relationship so i'm being abusive, I was regularly punched by someone i loved because of their own insecurities, as well as emotionally abused. She's changed for the most part which is great but I am still scarred and have changed for the worse.

Couples therapy probably the right move when we can afford it

Your abuse is on you. Her past is no excuse. You both sound toxic for each other and if she fills you with resentment then there is no relationship anymore. Do the right thing for both of you and end it once and for all.

Then go for anger management to help you sort out all of your issues and general therapy to help you get into a more mentally healthy place.

If she's abusive or was...leave...two wrongs don't make a right.

It will never make any sense to become abusive due to someone else. If they are bad to you, leave.,,,end of.

But by the sounds of it, you're both really wrong for each other and very toxic towards each other.

Doesn't seem fair to say its completely down to yourself and past history is irrelevant. I know namecalling is completely unacceptable and it's not an excuse but can't pretend that it's completely me after what i've experienced. I'm not an angry person i'm extremely laid back, my anger is exclusive to this relationship just an unhealthy reaction to the abuse i experienced which i am currently struggling to control.

I disagree about wrong for each other, we were a great match however she had a lot of issues, conflict was inevitable with any relationship she got into. I chose to stay and battle through it in hopes she would change, and for the sake of the relationship she has improved. I'm not going to end the relationship.

Two wrongs don't make a right. You need to stop the dependency on her, end it and move out.

I still know that it's happening because of the severe mental and physical abuse I experienced from her.

I know, not ready to walk away though.

I don't know how else to explain it.

If she's making you angry...leave. But you retaliating and being abusive, is not right. If she has bad behavior then break up, but why let her make you into someone too with bad behavior?

But your choice to stay and become abusive too, will never be right and that is YOUR choice to behave like that. You don't get to blame that on her. You decide on your own to be abusive.

What I mean by toxic is that you're affecting each other badly. You are worse off people due to one another.

absolutely, anyone with sense would have left years ago but for some reason i didn't want to. There's still a lot of good in the relationship the majority of the time we are both happy I do my best to make her happy am very affectionate and we have a lot of fun together, it's just when arguments arise, if they are bad and heated or i feel she is being extremely unreasonable I can resort to name-calling. maybe happens 1-2 times per month, which of course is 1-2 times too many and needs to stop, but i'd rather try to change my behaviour and learn to let go of some of my resentments than just leave.

When an argument starts, learn to walk away. Whether it's to another room (and if she follows you), then leave out the house.

Count to ten before you respond with anger. And once you leave, give each other time to cool down. (at least an hour or so).

Do this every time you feel your anger rising and your need to start name calling or saying bad things to her.

Truth be told though, you both need couples counselling and personal counselling. Neither of you treat each other like you should be.

It's been toxic since the beginning. From both of you. And for whatever reason you both thrive on this love/hate drama. The reason it's still going on is because there is so much contempt and a sort 'love to hate you' thing going on both ways. She somehow got a little better. But you still love the verbal digs and complete disrespect for her.

When an argument starts, learn to walk away. Whether it's to another room (and if she follows you), then leave out the house.

 

Count to ten before you respond with anger. And once you leave, give each other time to cool down. (at least an hour or so).

 

Do this every time you feel your anger rising and your need to start name calling or saying bad things to her.

 

Truth be told though, you both need couples counselling and personal counselling. Neither of you treat each other like you should be.

Thank you I will work on it.

It's been toxic since the beginning. From both of you. And for whatever reason you both thrive on this love/hate drama. The reason it's still going on is because there is so much contempt and a sort 'love to hate you' thing going on both ways. She somehow got a little better. But you still love the verbal digs and complete disrespect for her.

Arrogant and completely wrong

I'm sorry but this relationship is very toxic from both ends. I'd break up or at least step aside and have therapy/couselling asap. And no, your resentment is no excuse for you to be abusive like she was in the past.

I completely understand your resentment and anger. I also think it can get better and if you don’t want to give up then don’t. She is in a better place. Some of us go through dark times. I’m not taking up for her in anyway. She was probably dealing with some issues that maybe she blocked out from years ago. No one should judge you or her or anyone because of one this statement alone. I think finding a good therapist would help you forgive and let go of her past behavior. I’m sorry you went through this and much respect for staying by her side and not leaving her. Obviously both of you care deeply for each other and love one another. I think talking to a therapist will resolve this. And I have almost positive after you have forgave and let go of how she treated you...y’all will have a much closer and deeper connection. I feel the issue with not wanting to have sex with her right now is because of the anger and resentment. That is what I went through a year ago. But until you know she is sincerely sorry and I think she is because of the changed behavior and you forgive...it will not get better. A lot of therapist even do sessions without you going into their office. On your phone, computer, etc. Do your research and read reviews when choosing one. Good luck to you. I feel you have already done the hardest part which is acknowledging that your verbal abuse needs to stop. Remember your words can do way more harm then physical abuse in my opinion.

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"A great match"???

Wow, I would hate to see what a bad match looks like to you!

Couples therapy is a mistake. Individual therapy would address your issues separately before you can even learn to be healthy partners to someone.

And BTW, you seem to think you have the "right" to call her names because she abused you in the past. All abusers think they have the "right" to abuse their partners, which makes them incredibly dangerous.

Doesn't seem fair to say its completely down to yourself and past history is irrelevant. I know namecalling is completely unacceptable and it's not an excuse but can't pretend that it's completely me after what i've experienced. I'm not an angry person i'm extremely laid back, my anger is exclusive to this relationship just an unhealthy reaction to the abuse i experienced which i am currently struggling to control.

You have every right to be angry and resentful about being treated the way you were treated. Feelings are feelings and whatever feelings you are having are a reaction to the situation you were in.

What is NOT ok is acting out in your anger and being verbally abusive. I am sure you realize the difference between having a feeling and acting on it and saying you are a victim of your emotions and her actions is essentially saying you are unwilling to manage your emotions in an adult manner... and at some point if this continues it will escalate into physical violence as you have already justified the verbal.

Get some help managing your anger before cause irreparable damage you ruin your life by getting arrested for assault.

The relationship was unhealthy from the start. End it, and get some counseling. You should also look into codependence and anger management.

It is not working. Move on!

I disagree about wrong for each other, we were a great match however she had a lot of issues, conflict was inevitable with any relationship she got into. I chose to stay and battle through it in hopes she would change, and for the sake of the relationship she has improved. I'm not going to end the relationship.

You NEVER stay in a relationship hoping it will change. This is co dependence. You should have walked when the abuse started.

Did you grown up in this type of environment? Does it feel comfortable?

absolutely, anyone with sense would have left years ago but for some reason i didn't want to. There's still a lot of good in the relationship the majority of the time we are both happy I do my best to make her happy am very affectionate and we have a lot of fun together, it's just when arguments arise, if they are bad and heated or i feel she is being extremely unreasonable I can resort to name-calling. maybe happens 1-2 times per month, which of course is 1-2 times too many and needs to stop,

 

but i'd rather try to change my behaviour and learn to let go of some of my resentments than just leave.

 

It appears you are self aware enough to recognize your verbal abuse is wrong, and also where it stems from, but you are at a loss as to how to stop it?

This where a good therapist would serve you really well, this is a deep issue within yourself, and I don't think any of us have the proper tools to resolve this for you.

Individual therapy to start, then perhaps have your gf join you. She's not posting but I have no doubt that she has her own share of resentments now too.

Tough issues to resolve, I wish you both luck.

Time to end it. If it’s to the point you want to exact some form of revenge it was over long time ago .

OP, you say you have tried to stop your abuse but that hasn't worked.

What exactly have you tried?