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Thread: I don't know if I should apologise/clear the air, or leave it?

  1. #1
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    I don't know if I should apologise/clear the air, or leave it?

    This is a bit of a long one, sorry!

    *names used are not real, for privacy reasons.*

    So last March, I moved out of a student house and in with my partner.

    I was living with 3 girls who I was very close with, there was some tension between Hayley and Claire, for their own personal reasons which did have affect on the rest of us. Heidi, became y, two faced about Hayley. Heidi was the type of person that what she says is correct but what she says also rubs off on you. Claire had every right to not want to be as close to Hayley, but i was fed up of them leaving her out of things, ing, two faced. So i said I was done with it and to not do it around me, I had no reason not to not like her, I got along very well.

    This created a weird atmosphere between Heidi, Claire and I. Heidi almost didn't speak to me, as if she had nothing left to say, I realised after i left all she ever really did was talk about people. Claire tended to follow in her footsteps, I don't think she realised it, but she had spoke to me about her negativity in the past and this began to rub off on her. So i just left things for a while, worked, stayed in my room - there was a lot of family problems at the time, so i wasn't up for socialising anyway.

    So when it came to moving out, I was planning on moving out in May, but I found a house in February. I was no longer a student and hated the student life and paying for full rent that i couldnt afford by myself. So when we found the house, i either had to keep paying rent or find someone to move in to my room.

    I knew this would be hard as it was near the end of the year and i wouldnt do it without it being okay with the girls. I had a lightbulb moment and remembered a close friend that moved home a couple of months before, and regretted it. So i sent a message asking if he could move back, would he and explained what i was thinking about, they all get along very well and he practically lived there etc.. He couldn't which was fine but he suggested someone that could so he said he would find out their plans.
    I hadn't mentioned to the girls yet that i had done this as i knew for a start it wouldnt have happened, i wanted to test the water before telling them. It was the next morning, i sent a message to the group chat (everyone was out) explaining what i might possibly be doing.

    HELLLLL broke loose, they had seen the other possible friend that could have moved in and they had talked about it. Hayley was completely fine with it from the beginning, she knew i had to for financial reasons and my own sanity.
    The other 2 said i "went behind their back" which i never intended to, the conversation i had with our mutual friend just happened very fast and i didnt realise word had spread. So Heidi basically said "do what you want, just know that I am done, you've been a friend" because apparently i never asked how she was a few times when she was in a bad mood etc.. when it was both of us. I had gone through horrible family issues and spent a lot of my time in my room or working constantly and she did not once ask about, so it was a two way thing.

    Claire and I got in a heated argument and both said things to each other, I had tweeted saying something about finding a house and hash tagged "so long (name of street" which was not in anyway pointed towards them, i was just happy to get out of student housing. She took this as a dig at her, so that is how we began arguing and some of it i would definitely apologise for. However I believe if it wasn't for Heidi, I reckon me and Claire would have became friends again, or she would have understood eventually.

    It has been almost a year, I have found that Claire and Hayley no longer really speak. It is eating me up, I don't want to apologise to Claire for moving out, for trying to find the best solution for myself. I just want to let go of this "grudge" that i have. I will never speak to Hayley again, but I feel I should clear the air and apologise for how I reacted and things i said, I haven't because I was angry for a long time and didn't want to seem "weak" i guess? like a pride thing but I am over that.. I just don't even know where to start.. What would you do or say?

    I know this sounds a bit complicated, i have shortened it to the best i can, there is far more. Sorry if it makes no sense at all! I know it all sounds so immature and playground talk, but that is exactly what came of it and not what i intended, so i just want to put it to rest.
    Last edited by BanksC; 01-11-2019 at 08:32 PM.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member indea08's Avatar
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    I would say put it to rest by moving forward and closing the door on the situation.

    Not all friendships are meant to last, and these girls all seem to make mountains out of mole hills. They all seem to see things their own way, and are unable to understand someone elseís point of view or extend the benefit of the doubt to others. That means that right now, they arenít great friends to be hanging around while youíre just starting your adult life after college.

    You outgrew the situation, feelings got hurt in the process, time to continue growing and looking toward the future.

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    Originally Posted by indea08
    I would say put it to rest by moving forward and closing the door on the situation.

    Not all friendships are meant to last, and these girls all seem to make mountains out of mole hills. They all seem to see things their own way, and are unable to understand someone elseís point of view or extend the benefit of the doubt to others. That means that right now, they arenít great friends to be hanging around while youíre just starting your adult life after college.

    You outgrew the situation, feelings got hurt in the process, time to continue growing and looking toward the future.

    Yeah thatís a great way of seeing it tbh!

    Theyíre all still in ďuniversityĒ mode, so i guess it would be best to just leave it, incase i make it worse.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Sounds like a scene from the movie "Mean Girls." Why ask if you should apologise? If you feel like it will help you to let go of any dwindling negativity then do it. Its about what YOU feel and then you do. There is nothing negative about apologising IF (big If) you have no expectations that the apology will garner you something in return.

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    Sounds like a scene from the movie "Mean Girls." Why ask if you should apologise? If you feel like it will help you to let go of any dwindling negativity then do it. Its about what YOU feel and then you do. There is nothing negative about apologising IF (big If) you have no expectations that the apology will garner you something in return.
    I only really want to apologise for what i said, not what i did as I did it for myself and needed to. I think im just scared if i was to do it it would be thrown back in my face

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BanksC
    I only really want to apologise for what i said, not what i did as I did it for myself and needed to. I think im just scared if i was to do it it would be thrown back in my face
    So? What if it is. You know that your intentions were good so that's all that really matters. Its up to you to know what is in your own best interests. If you don't care if they accept your apology or not, then even if they do throw it back in your face, you will know what kind of Mean Girls they really are and you can go on with your life with a clear conscience and you can just let it all go. If you are hoping that your apology will get you back in their good graces, well then that is an expectation that you need to let go of before you apologise.

    Good luck no matter which way you choose to handle this. It would be great if you let us know what you plan on doing.

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    So? What if it is. You know that your intentions were good so that's all that really matters. Its up to you to know what is in your own best interests. If you don't care if they accept your apology or not, then even if they do throw it back in your face, you will know what kind of Mean Girls they really are and you can go on with your life with a clear conscience and you can just let it all go. If you are hoping that your apology will get you back in their good graces, well then that is an expectation that you need to let go of before you apologise.

    Good luck no matter which way you choose to handle this. It would be great if you let us know what you plan on doing.
    Thatís true! I think thatís all I need, closure and a clear conscience! I prefer to get things of my chest usually and I donít like having ďenemiesĒ etc..

    Iím definitely going to think about it some more and see how I feel, if i still feel like I need to clear the air with her in a few days I will, not for her benefit, just to clear my mind no matter the out come :) thanks for replying! Iíll let you know what I do!

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    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BanksC
    Thatís true! I think thatís all I need, closure and a clear conscience! I prefer to get things of my chest usually and I donít like having ďenemiesĒ etc..

    Iím definitely going to think about it some more and see how I feel, if i still feel like I need to clear the air with her in a few days I will, not for her benefit, just to clear my mind no matter the out come :) thanks for replying! Iíll let you know what I do!
    What does 'clear the air' mean, exactly? If it means apologizing for 'some' stuff but defending or 'splaining other stuff, I'd skip that. It just continues the same argument nobody 'won' a year ago. I'd either make a full apology that completely legitimizes the offenses and hurt suffered by the other without any exceptions or implied expectations of forgiveness, or I'd leave it alone.

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    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    What does 'clear the air' mean, exactly? If it means apologizing for 'some' stuff but defending or 'splaining other stuff, I'd skip that. It just continues the same argument nobody 'won' a year ago. I'd either make a full apology that completely legitimizes the offenses and hurt suffered by the other without any exceptions or implied expectations of forgiveness, or I'd leave it alone.
    I just really mean to apologise for what happened.. not looking for friendship. We live in the same city and shop whatever etc in the same area and she works 2 minutes from my house.. But i avoid it at all costs and the thought of seeing her makes me very anxious. But i feel if i got it off my chest and I was to bump into her, it wouldnít be awkward and we wouldnt have to avoid eye contact. Itís happened a few times! We still have each other on social media platforms, however with the other girl we donít have each other on anything. If she really didnít like me or didnít want anything to do with me, surely she would have got rid?

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by BanksC
    I just really mean to apologise for what happened.. not looking for friendship. We live in the same city and shop whatever etc in the same area and she works 2 minutes from my house.. But i avoid it at all costs and the thought of seeing her makes me very anxious. But i feel if i got it off my chest and I was to bump into her, it wouldnít be awkward and we wouldnt have to avoid eye contact. Itís happened a few times! We still have each other on social media platforms, however with the other girl we donít have each other on anything. If she really didnít like me or didnít want anything to do with me, surely she would have got rid?
    Why do you think that (in the bold?) After all you say you aren't looking for friendship yet you still have her on all your platforms??? Why do you keep her in your contacts if you don't want friendship and the thought of running into her makes you anxious? Seems odd.

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