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Thread: Could this escalate into abuse in the future?

  1. #1

    Join Date
    Jan 2019

    Could this escalate into abuse in the future?

    This might be a little too much info, in case someone is sensitive to those things. Nothing graphic but some sex things are mentioned.
    So I was with my boyfriend the other day and he dropped me off at my house and we were still in his car and we were kissing and the whole time we were kind of being funny about the whole thing and we were laughing and like play kissing. But then we moved on to touching, and he took my hand so I could touch him, and this isnt new to me and I was ok with it, but then he started to unzip his pants and I told him “hmm I dont think I can do that right now” and he laughed and said “maybe” and i said “but really i dont know maybe not” he had already unzipped his pants so I a little nervously have him a handjob (which i had done before) and then i left. He didnt take my hand or pressured me, it did come from me to do that but I was still scared he didnt take my no. Afterwards I asked him why didnt he take my no, when he has always respected my boundaries, always accepted my no’s this was the first time something like this happened. He said he didnt read my “no” as “i dont want this” but more like “we shouldnt do this outside my house but i want to”
    He then got defensive when I started insisting that he didn’t take my no. He said that he was too aroused and that was probably because we hadnt done this in a while and Im sorry and please be more specific next time. That I shouldnt anything I dont want to. He will never force me or anything hell just get sad maybe but that’s it. Thats what he said. But he was quite upset about me telling him that. Im not sure how to take this, because he did use the excuse “we havent done this in a long time and thats why.” He didnt really force me though, and he has always respected my no’s, but I dont know what happened here, and to top it off he got defensive about it.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Cloud Nine
    It's your job to shut it down with your actions, such as simply saying good night and getting out of the car, like a more mature girl, not just go along with it then verbally start accusing him of some #metoo stuff.

    Don't make out in front of your parents house. He's right...just say no and then act like it, not continue it and then accuse him. Learn to mean what you say and say what you mean and back it up with the appropriate mature actions.
    Originally Posted by RosyTy
    “we shouldnt do this outside my house but i want to” I started insisting that he didn’t take my no. He said Im sorry and please be more specific next time. That I shouldnt anything I dont want to.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    May 2008
    You shouldn't be making out in front of your parents' house. You shouldn't be giving someone a handjob in public, unless you want to be arrested for gross indecency. This guy wasn't some sleazy film director, or your boss, or a taxi driver holding you at knifepoint, but your boyfriend!

    Actions speak louder than words, and the fact that you continued, without any pressure from him, says more than your supposed protests. I can also understand why he thought you were a bit cagey about doing it outside your parents' house, rather than a blanket 'No' - especially as you went on anyway.

    I doubt it would escalate into abuse unless, of course, you agree to have sex with him and then accuse him of rape.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2013
    Central Canada
    No, it won't escalate to abuse if you are confident enough to say no and actually mean it instead of using ambiguous words like "I don't think so" or "Maybe but maybe not." Those are not "NO." That is more "if you talk me into it I'll continue." Which he did and which you did as well.

    I'll add that if you use those kinds on ambiguous words with someone other than your current boyfriend it may lead you into a situation that you don't want to be in so use a word that is clear "no thanks" and then follow that "no thanks" up with leaving. Make your words and your actions match.


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