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Thread: My 14-day Journal for a 2 Week Break- By a Serial relationship sabotager

  1. #1

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    My 14-day Journal for a 2 Week Break- By a Serial relationship sabotager

    Hi, my name is Shell and this my 14-day journal for no contact. My boyfriend is feeling stressed by me and I don't blame him. I am feeling a little stress from him too. He asked me for a two-week break.

    You see... I have a problem. I have been sabotaging relationships for years, and that is why I will never be in anything serious. This cycle is common for me and I know that my relationship will die. If not this time, it will eventually. I don't know why I have this thing where I constantly pick at relationships and try to end them a ton of times. I can't help myself. I have a bad case of word vomit. Eventually, my partner always gets sick of it. Hopeful, that perhaps this time I'll learn my lesson. I can say this truth because here I am anonymous and it feels good to admit this flaw out loud.

    After just a year I have pushed my ex into requesting a two-week break. Once again I felt my need to pick at a relationship. I do feel like a bulk of this is my fault. However, I also acknowledge that my feelings are valid. When I picked I was feeling bad about something. I just always jump to the extreme of trying to end the relationship when I am upset. There is no in-between. I know how to not do it, but I can't help myself once I'm comfortable. I don't know if anyone else does this, but it's one thing I would really like to change about myself. Why do I do it? I don't know. I honestly don't want to do it. How do I stop?

    So right now is day 1 of our two-week break. I'm sure people will post oh he just wants to hook up, or this is a nice way of breaking up with you.

    I am in my mid-thirties and he is in his early forties and I don't' believe this was done for any childish reason like that. I do believe that he needs to reflect. I agree I initiated his feeling of wanting to do this. Yesterday, I picked and jumped to the extreme let's just end it once again. I know that he is tired of me doing that. I believe he wants to miss me as he said. I know that I need to stop. I'm not innocent. I also know that this break might be the end.

    I don't want to worry about what he is doing or not doing. I want to commit to really not contacting him at all for two weeks and that's what this journal is about. It's about talking about my cravings to contact, and self-reflection. Don't get me wrong I know that he did things too. That's why I got upset. He's not perfect. But this journal is about self-reflection, not what is wrong with him.

    Right now I feel calm and ok with this. I told him I agreed. I want to use this time to reflect and miss him and sort out what this relationship should be if it should even be, and how I can be better on my end for him or for my next one. Maybe I can finally not sabotage a relationship after this time in reflection.

    Of course, it is only day one, and I don't know how I'll feel tomorrow or the next day. But I am committed to no contact during this crucial phase.
    Last edited by Shell112; 01-11-2019 at 02:25 AM.

  2. #2
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    If you really wanted to change your life, you would seek professional help.

    I think that it is incredibly selfish and cruel for you to do this to people. You love drama!

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    What did you pick at and what word vomit did you get into with him?

    It's good that you're conscious you sabotage the relationships, it shows self awareness, but I agree with HollyJ that professional help could really have a big impact in your change.

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    Do you still think he's "insensitive"?

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  6. #5
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    What is it that triggered you this time?

    And yes, I have an ex who did this too. I eventually got fed up and left for good. Mind you, he had other underlying issues that fueled this compulsion to escape emotional intimacy, but it was far too draining on me to extend any more patience or compassion.

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    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Agree . A consultation with a therapist is a great way to change unwanted self defeating behaviors. However some may be a choice like being a "b" in order to control and demand your way.

    Also after the ride to grandma debacle it's not surprising he broke up. Many people have these epiphanies after they get dumped because it hurts and their ways finally caught up with them.
    Originally Posted by Hollyj
    If you really wanted to change your life, you would seek professional help. I think that it is incredibly selfish and cruel for you to do this to people. You love drama!

  8. #7
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Agree . A consultation with a therapist is a great way to change unwanted self defeating behaviors. However some may be a choice like being a "b" in order to control and demand your way.

    Also after the ride to grandma debacle it's not surprising he broke up. Many people have these epiphanies after they get dumped because it hurts and their ways finally caught up with them.
    I remember the ride to grandmother thread. That gives a lot of context to this situation. And I agree... Sometimes being dumped can lead to epiphanies and the realisation that you either change or the cycle of pain will continue.

  9. #8

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    Before people judge me on my grandma that was not a ordinary part of relationship. I just found out my Grandma was going to die and I wanted my best friend with me because I have no other family and expected he would be there for me as I concidered him my family.

    I was not controlling in this relationship that was not our regular routine, that was a grandma going to hospice to my acting out based on the news that I was going to lose my grandmother. Shame on you people this is my journal. We all deal with loss of people in different ways.

    Our relationship evolved around of an equal balance of us both doing what we wanted to do we had set it up that way. I'm not some selfish nagging girlfriend that constantly demanded my way by dangling break up. I have an issue with communication and jump to the end of the world.

  10. #9
    Silver Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    counseling and seeing a professional would be more helpful to get to the crux of this and giving you more advanced tools to overcome this.

    From a lay person:
    1. you do this because of an inner unhealthy insecurity that manifests itself as something simliar to "i don't deserve this" or feeling nobody coudl genuinely like you long-term - so you sabotage it before it's time to escape it. In essence, it's easier to swallow to feel you pushed them away, then they left you on their own because they "found out the truth about you" and rejected you.

    2. its very likely that somewhere in your past and especially early on, before you started systematically sabotaging your relationships, you gave it your all and somebody broke your heart. So this is a defense mechanism to ensure you never get broken hearted again and have to go thru that immense pain.

    The bad news: you can continue with this "pain prevention" approach and manage pain. But it means you'll never find what you ultimately seek - a true long-term companion.
    The good news is: you acknowledge and recognize you are self-sabotaging this. So that's 85% of the battle to change if you truly want to change bad enough and are willing to do the work to get there - it's no cake walk. Since you are already "pre-managing pain" or have chosen to do that, however, there is a good chance you would choose not to go thru the pain and hard work to change it.

    I hope you choose to change, put yourself back out there, and do the hard work to make a change. I decided to do that about 10 yrs ago. And yes it's taken 5-10 yrs to get to where i am today. yes it was hard. But man it's been ABSOLUTELY worth it and thensome! I gladly trade 5-10 yrs of work (the first 3-5 is the hard work.. the rest is just tweaking as you go with little things that come up) for the great time i'm having the rest of my life!

  11. #10
    Platinum Member bluecastle's Avatar
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    Just to chime in here, from what you wrote: therapy, therapy, therapy.

    You've isolated what you see as a problem—your instinct to sabotage. Depending on where you go from here, that can be a big step forward, a baby step forward, or an excuse to stay in exactly the same place you're currently in.

    A lot of alcoholics know they have a drinking problem, after all, while continuing to drink. A lot of them use alcoholism as an excuse to keep drinking.

    So the big question is whether you really want to fix this problem or if you want to date men (or post on forums) as a sly way of continuing to coddle and enable it. Admitting it felt good, as you said. Doing the work to change it—well, that won't feel so good. Heavy lifting. Sore muscles. To say nothing of shining a light on whatever is going on under the hood to trigger this behavior.

    Richey delivered a nice lay person's read on the latter, so I won't bother to do the same. Maybe that resonates, maybe not. You'll let us know.

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