Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123
Results 21 to 29 of 29

Thread: My 14-day Journal for a 2 Week Break- By a Serial relationship sabotager

  1. #21
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    9,373
    Gender
    Female
    So....are you sabotaging relationships or are you not getting out of really bad relationships fast enough?
    Going by your second post .... sounds more like your real issue is codependence and a broken picker rather than sabotage. It's like you know you should dump him, but...then you don't. Instead you put up with being treated like dirt and turned yourself inside out trying to please him and buy his approval.

  2. #22

    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    Posts
    1
    Whoa, I am not codependent. Why because I stayed in a bad relationship for a year? My relationship wasn't only bad.

    How many people on this forum stay in bad relationships or are longing for their less than perfect relationship back. Their relationship broke somehow. It is common knowledge that people in the relationship don't see the same as those looking in. Are you going to blame every single person on here for being in their relationship that didn't work out? For not leaving it the second things went bad? For not giving their relationship the benefit of the doubt that things will progress and grow into a relationship that serves both individuals.

    Additionally, I agreed to a break, I didn't put up some fit. I didn't grovel. I know it's going to be hard but I agreed to it. I know there are issues and by writing them down I can self reflect. I don't know how I'll feel at the end of two weeks but it helps to voice positive and negative. Today I feel mad, sure days from now I'll be missing him and thinking of all good things. It's the cycle of a breakup and grieving.

    Does that mean I should get back with him, today I feel a strong no? Or He might not want to get back with me.

    But really I can't know until I am able to complete NC. It depends on if real changes will happen or not or if this cycle will just continue. Voicing things out loud helps me figure out what I need to change about myself and if I can. What I did to contribute to this "break".

    What will his perspective be when we meet again, is he willing to change, what did he learn? I don't know.

    We have never done a break before this is my chance to feel confident in my decision without him in the way. Of course, no contact is useless if you can't use the time to reflect, think about these things and decide if anything can change. I'm reflecting. I think anyone else in NC needs to as well.

    The past two months have not been good, simultaneously i am dealing with a lot of non-relationship issues that have made me very hard to be around.

    Of course, there were good parts to my relationship too that kept me there and I loved him and wanted to do things. Today I want to say all of the bad things. It is helping me make sense of everything.

    I am in no way dependent on that man. I have my own business, my own apt, my own friends, and I was the one that would skip a few weekends together to go on a trip with friends. He has no friends, I am his entire social media that he posted there. if anyone is dependent on anyone it was him on me, but that didn't make him thoughtful. In his defense, he did try at times.

    I already said my issue. I don't trust myself. I rationalize why my decisions are wrong, and I think that I might sabotage my relationships.

    In all honesty, I regret posting on this site it is not the same as it was when I last used it years ago. It's just a bunch of people waiting to attack and belittle a poster who came here for emotional healing and to post for no contact. Where is the support?
    Last edited by Shell112; 01-11-2019 at 03:23 PM.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    18,690
    This wasn't a "second," it was a year! As long as you see yourself as victim, you will continue to choose the same type of guy.

    You need to stop being so defensive and see YOUR part in this. I would bet money that you have a pattern of dating the same type of guy.

    I too, believe you are co dependent. You chose a guy that was dependent on you. I suggest you look up the definition.

  4. #24

    Join Date
    Dec 2018
    Posts
    1
    Actually Holly I have never dated this type of guy. I thought my past problem was that I was close-minded on the type of men I dated so I gave this one a go.

    So you are wrong. Also, I don't know why you are still on my thread as your opinion is that it should be removed.

    You make a false assumption that the entire year was bad. I listed some bad things and reflected on things i may not have noticed (like him not doing things I wanted do), during the relationship I wasn't so keen to understand that he wasn't doing things that I wanted to do without an entire conversation. By managing to convince him to do some of my things I thought we were doing things that I wanted as well. That is why this break is a time of refleciton.

    it is your assumption that was the entire span of my relationship. My Birthday has not even reached yet so most of the things I posted occured in the past two-thee months. You assume we didn't talk about things and convince each other that things would change.

    Obviously if when I started dating him and he put his foot up my dog's butt I would have kicked him out of my house.

    I didn't choose a guy that was dependent on me on purpose. Nor have I ever dated a man with no friends. I found it odd but went with it.

  5.  

  6. #25
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    9,373
    Gender
    Female
    I hope that you do understand that we are trying to help you. I also agree that some posters jumped on you a bit unfairly, but lets move past that. Delving into your personal issues and motivations is not a pleasant task and really do admire and commend your courage, especially doing so on an open forum.

    "I am in no way dependent on that man. I have my own business, my own apt, my own friends, and I was the one that would skip a few weekends together to go on a trip with friends. He has no friends, I am his entire social media that he posted there. if anyone is dependent on anyone it was him on me, but that didn't make him thoughtful. In his defense, he did try at times."

    I'm afraid your understanding of what codependence is, isn't accurate. Being codependent in relationship terms has nothing to do with finances, it's an emotional state. The term is kind of counter intuitive to be honest. Co dependents are actually the nurturers, the helpers,the givers, the fixers of the relationship. Does that sound more like you? I think so. Like when you went out of your way to do things for his b-day and Christmas. I mean doing these special things is OK by itself, but it's not OK when your partner shows zero consideration or reciprocation of your efforts. Codependents actually feed selfish partners through their giving nurturing nature and selfish people, narcissists in particular, actually very much seek out that type of personality. He is the vampire, you are the source of his blood. You actually correctly identified that he was dependent on you for friendship BUT that he also didn't reciprocate or show any real consideration for you. Not on big events, not in every day life.

    If you actually do some research and read up more on this subject, I think it might be tremendously helpful to you and really open your eyes about the dynamic in your relationships and how it comes about and why.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Dec 2007
    Posts
    18,690
    I am only going from YOUR words:

    Fact, of the matter, is that my boyfriend is insensitive. He is not thoughtful, he does not think about me. My grandma was just part of it. No one knows the awful response he gave to my initial request. The inhuman response I got when I told him I just found out my grandma was going to die and I didn't want to be alone.

    My boyfriend is not thoughtful. In our whole year together, not one time, not even our first date was anything suggested because of what I enjoy or like to do. We rarely did anything that I liked to do. We mostly did things he wanted, or I wanted to do something I had to make it appeal to him somehow. There always had to be something in it for him. If it was not appealing to him it would be a 20-30 minute convincing talk which resulted in dragging him along. On a rare occasion to his surprise, he discovered he enjoyed whatever I dragged him to.

    He's a simple guy he likes drinking, eating a limited selection of food, and watching sports. That's it. We don't have anything in common.

    It i want to go to a bar they always they had to carry his favorite drink or he didn't want to go. He didn't want to try new food. Once I got him to go to a place i really wanted and he made sure to let me know he hated it the entire time thus ruining the whole experience for me anyway. I have gotten so used to everything being on his terms now when I suggest anything I know I have to make it appealing to him off the bat, fight about it, or just argue in a loop that ends with us staying home and then him complaining that we never go out, when all we do is go out.

    We couldn't even watch a single tv show together in the entire year we were together. Not for more than 15 minutes. I tried. I told him I wanted to get into a show together. I tried to find things that I thought would be interesting to him. I even asked him to pick something. In our entire year together we didn't watch a single thing on TV together for more than 15 minutes. Instead, I asked him to get headphones many times over a year he never bothered to. He would sit in bed watching something on his phone and make it louder than my tv. He didn't think of me. So I bought him headphones he complained he didn't like them and refused to use them. He also woke me up much time with his TV on the phone and refusal to get headphones, even on days when I had not slept at all."

  8. #27
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Posts
    590
    youre right.. i should stop reading this.
    again.. this is an advice forum , not a journal/blogging site.
    you are journalling in "getting back together" - not "break up" section.

    and no.. when other peopel are talking about and asking about keeping no contact, they are not "by default" journaling like you are.

    good bye.

  9. #28
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Posts
    590
    "adding to ignore list" is such a wonderful function! :)

  10. #29
    Administrator kamurj's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2001
    Location
    Canada
    Posts
    1,742
    Gender
    Male
    Multiple accounts are not allowed. Thread closed.

Page 3 of 3 FirstFirst 123

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •