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Making sense of dating a married woman


Smiling12

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Hi all,

 

Typical start, I'm divorced, met a married woman at work. She wasn't wearing a ring so at first I didn't know wether she was married or not. I was a little more than a year out of my divorce and I wasn't aggressively looking for someone. We hit it off from the start and after a few weeks I realized, yep I'm into her. We started texting outside of work after a few months and then I discovered she was married, unhappily (I hear everyone groaning). I told her upfront I wasn't here for an affair and yes should have probably walked away at that point. We would text very often and run into each other occasionally at work. Eventually met up outside work and eventually became physical... making out. After maybe 6-7 months we did have sex. The total relationship was just over a year until today...

 

Her story... married for short of 20 years years. Her family life is bad, both brothers have drug problems, mom is manipulative, kicked her out when she was 18. Her current husband basically took her in even though she wasn't so much interested in him back then and got pregnant. Fast forward, he's an alcoholic, was the whole time. She's told him to change and the usual promises and never does. Says she hasn't loved him in 10 years and says the last time they did have sex more than a year ago, felt like she was being raped. He sounded manipulative and controlling.

 

From the start she told me she told him she was done. Found out she had been saying it for a couple years. I guess this is where I felt justified in the beginning never going through this before. If she was working on getting out, then I could wait. She went to counseling fro a bit. She even had multiple talks with her kids telling them she wasn't happy and was considering divorce and they freaked, understandably. They told her to keep giving him chances. She told her mom who also told her to stick it out. She told er friends that she wanted out and they said she should stay married and fight through it. She fought with him constantly, arguing about his control over money, her and the drinking. He always seemed to pull her back in, she would say she felt sorry for him. Not sure I still understand that.

 

So today it ended. I felt the past month her creating distance and always said to her, the day you know you aren't leaving him anymore I need to know because I'm not willing to go any further with her. I felt this is what she was doing. When questioned on her distancing me, she said she had been distancing herself from everyone around her but her kids. She said she was feeling tremendous pressure that I was waiting around for her and the people around her pulling her in different directions. Was struggling making the break from her husband and wanted me to move on in the mean time she she would feel the pressure wondering about me.

 

So I feel crushed obviously from the break up. Respect that it seems she is doing the "right thing". Feel scared that she is caught in an abusive relationship and no one around her will help support her wanting to leave. But my question is am I wrong? Was I being played? Is it possible that people can have affairs, then say I want to do it right and actually mean it? I'm not going to contact her and I told her that. Gonna make a clean break and process what I just went through. Just looking for my own closure on what happened and if it was real I guess.

 

Thanks for your time!

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So I feel crushed obviously from the break up. Respect that it seems she is doing the "right thing". Feel scared that she is caught in an abusive relationship and no one around her will help support her wanting to leave. But my question is am I wrong? Was I being played? Is it possible that people can have affairs, then say I want to do it right and actually mean it? I'm not going to contact her and I told her that. Gonna make a clean break and process what I just went through. Just looking for my own closure on what happened and if it was real I guess.

 

Thanks for your time!

So, you've admittedly been having sex with another man's wife, she cut you lose, prioritizing her marriage and children and now you've come here for support.

The only advise I have for you is to learn this lesson once. Someday you could very likely be on the other end of this and some guy is sleeping with your wife. What advise would you give him then?

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What you should hear when married people make excuses for having affairs instead of getting a divorce: "BLAH BLAH BLAH selfish me!"

 

It boggles my mind that people still actually buy the BS these cheaters throw out.

 

I bet you're not her first affair and won't be her last. Maybe she already found your replacement and that's why she's acting "distant".

 

Stay away from this cheater and make a pact to do better next time.

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Well....what's to understand?

 

Cheaters lie.

They lie about absolutely everything. Their life, their relationship. They are the perpetual victim that you are supposed to feel sorry for and rescue them from their horrible existence.....so "horrible" that they just never seem to leave their spouse for some mysterious reason....hmm....what could it be....hmmm...oh yeah! because they LIE about the real state of their relationship.

 

Basically, she is a low life cheating wh...without any kind of values or morals and the same goes for you. So maybe you want to reflect on what is wrong with you and your life that you stooped so low? That might be time better spent than feeding yourself some bs about how this poor poor abused woman needs you. She doesn't, but you were fun and useful and likely not the first or the last. Cheating on their spouse tends to be a lifestyle rather than a one time event.

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But my question is am I wrong?

 

Yes. You know it's wrong to have an affair with a married woman, you stated so above in your post and to her directly.

 

Was I being played?

 

No you were not being played... you chose to have an affair with a married woman. Someone that cheats on their spouse is fully capable of telling people whatever they want to hear in order to ensure they get what they want.

 

Is it possible that people can have affairs, then say I want to do it right and actually mean it?

 

Of course. This happens ALL THE TIME. Have a look at the Infidelity board on here to see hundreds of examples of exactly what you are talking about.

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Reading your post, I was thinking, "why do all of these affairs have these extreme sob stories attached to them?" And then I read this:

 

I guess this is where I felt justified in the beginning never going through this before.

 

Bingo!

 

The story is always the same and it's a new sucker every minute. I wish there was some sort of beacon that could deliver this information to people before affairs 'just happen.'

 

I think you were probably being played in the same unconscious way that you played the dummy in all of this. I think you should put a period at the end of that sentence and make a new rule: No More Affairs.

 

What you should hear when married people make excuses for having affairs instead of getting a divorce: "BLAH BLAH BLAH selfish me!".

 

Haha!

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If it was so bad, then why didn't she get divorced? You don't know if what she was saying was true. I would bet money that it wasn't. I can't imagine any friend telling another to stay in an abusive marriage. And, if she was trying to save her marriage, then why was she having an affair with you. C'mon!

 

You are both cheats and selfish. No consideration for her family-I am including you in this. Terrible!

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Yeah I’m not right in any of this. I can admit that. I am a trusting person and choose to believe she was getting out as she fed me bits along that way. My fault for crossing the line. In the beginning I choose to believe it with good intentions and along the way, probably got caught wanting it to be true more than it probably was.

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I told her upfront I wasn't here for an affair
Yet you continued on with your pursuit of her anyway. It begs the question: Why are you afraid of commitment. You clearly are if you were in clear pursuit of someone that was not free to be in a commitment with you.

 

Her story is not a new one. It is what the majority of cheaters tell and how this ended up is what ends up like the majority of times as well.

 

Forget about her and work on yourself and figure out why it is you are afraid to be with someone who is free to be with you so that you stop getting yourself into stupid and futile situations like this again.

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Yeah I’m not right in any of this. I can admit that. I am a trusting person and choose to believe she was getting out as she fed me bits along that way. My fault for crossing the line. In the beginning I choose to believe it with good intentions and along the way, probably got caught wanting it to be true more than it probably was.

 

If you believed she was getting out, why didn't you wait for her to actually get before getting involved with her, since you trusted she'd divorce him soon?

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Annia, I believe I was. Most all our interactions were innocent. Just discussing each other’s day, kids, work. The few times we did meet at work or wherever, would be sitting and talking. I was actually told by a counselor that it is almost always common that people date from the moment that start going through a divorce. Again, I felt I was staying in the moment at the time and felt she was discussing with her kids and family about divorcing her husband. And having conversations with him on how to start separate bank accounts etc. My divorce took 2.5 years from filing to finish and everyone thought I should have been dating during that. Didn’t seem out of line at the time to have what was greatly an all texting relationship.

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Sorry, should have been more clear. Any making out was months into the texting. And doing the math. it was 8 months after we had sex the one time. At that point she was telling her mom and talking to her kids about getting a divorce. To me, I felt that was serious enough to have no reason to believe she wasn’t getting divorced.

My sister in law worked with her husband at the time to go through a divorce without lawyers to save money. The filing and granting of the divorce was virtually done at the same time and over with after they worked everything out

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Yeah I’m not right in any of this. I can admit that. I am a trusting person and choose to believe she was getting out as she fed me bits along that way. My fault for crossing the line. In the beginning I choose to believe it with good intentions and along the way, probably got caught wanting it to be true more than it probably was.

 

"Good intentions" by cheating with a married woman. Really? You are like a white knight! Now, I have heard it all.

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You were not being played, once you found out that she was married. You made an informed choice to stay and get involved in her messy life. Was that wrong? Yes and it's now payback time for you. Make sure that you learn the lesson and loose the "white knight" mentality that got you into this mess.

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Holly, I understand, but the statement “with good intentions” meant that I was trusting being told see divorcing her husband. I’m no white knight, but I think we know everything in life isn’t black and white. I shouldn’t have let it get physical before a divorce was final or filled for or something concrete and that’s conpletely on me and my misjudgment.

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Agreed Clio. I think that’s why I’m searching to understand how I got here. I made a bad decision along the way. Was I trying to help someone I felt a connection with and let that blind good decision making, or am I a person who is susceptible to being manipulated myself and need to address that in my life

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Well, look, I won't tell you off as I'm sure you've heard it all but I'm just not sure what advice you were expecting? You were having an affair with a married woman and you were "the other man" so I don't really think you were in a relationship with her per se. I think you were just someone she was having on the side.

 

In anything, actions speak louder than words and I don't think her actions were showing that she truly cared for you or that she was going to leave her husband. People CAN do what they really want to do and if after twenty years she still hadn't left her husband then obviously she doesn't want to leave him that much. In any case, she didn't want to leave him for YOU. If she had really fallen for you and wanted to be with you more than her husband, then she would have made the effort to start the divorce.

 

She may be unhappy with him and wanted to have fun with someone on the side but I think she did see you as just an affair. Maybe she did want to divorce her husband but I think not for your sake. Then she changed her mind all together. I don't think you were that important to her to be honest.

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He always seemed to pull her back in, she would say she felt sorry

 

You don't understand that? It means on some level she does love him and can't handle hurting him so she'd rather stay with him than to leave him for you.

 

You lose. She chooses him over you.

 

She has many reasons as to why she should leave him...the bottom line is, she doesn't want to.

 

She gives you all these excuses...excuses, excuses. But if it was as bad as she says, she'd not only be out of there but would be having a woman's shelter or similar agency helping her, nevermind the support of her family (if it was that bad).

She's bs'ing you.

She stays with him because she wants to.

She feeds you whatever lines she needs to to keep stringing you along, but she's not going to leave him.

 

You'd better hope the husband doesn't find out, he sounds like he could have a very bad temper and no doubt would come looking for you.

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My serial cheating ex used the same tactics with her affair partner / now husband and so did he with his ex. They were both the worst people you could possibly get in a relationship and like most cheaters, narcissistic.

 

I was portrayed to be a drug addict (because I smoked pot for a year, 20 years ago), she said I never supported her with our kids and helped around home. I cooked 4 nights a week, did my own washing and our kids to make it easy for her. Helped the kids with homework. Took them to sport and many other things a loving father did.

 

I was accused of arguing with her constantly. I never said a bad word about her or started an argument in 25 years, despite her cheating constantly. she was very critical of everything I did, I couldn't even help my brother for 30 mins without silent treatment.

 

She blamed me for financial issues, yet now I'm divorced and caring for all of our kids and she's taken 3/5th of our household income with her, I'm saving lots of money. She controlled our bank accounts and only when I had access to them during our divorce I realised she was spending up to $500 partying on weekends while I looked after the kids.

 

Now I'm best friends with his ex wife, everything he said to my ex about her was a lie also.

 

You have fallen for the lesson one on page one of the cheaters hand book. Check out the countless affair recovery sites and you'll hear this story in almost all instances of infidelity. It's a method of justifying their a actions, actions which short of physical abuse is one of the most abusive things anyone can have inflicted on them .... All cheaters are pathological liars, it's the nature of the beast.

 

The poor husband is probably the victim of extreme emotional abuse and he drinks to escape, like I did with pot after the next part of my story.

 

You'd better hope the husband doesn't find out, he sounds like he could have a very bad temper and no doubt would come looking for you.

 

 

This is what you should be far more worried about, cheating turns even the most placid man into an extremely angry and unpredictable person. I know this first hand. I'm very lucky I didn't spend the last 20 years in jail for manslaughter or murder.

 

I don't have a violent bone in my body, but when I was 22 I discovered my ex having an affair with my best friend since kindergarten. I snapped and beat him badly. In a fit of rage I then threw his unconscious body through a window and severed an artery. He almost died and spent weeks in intensive care.

 

Nothing was ever said about this incident and the only reason I stuck with my ex was she was pregnant a week later..... luckily the child was my biological daughter. My friend was so scared he moved to a small island 2000km away.

 

Since I've told this story over the last few years, I've met another man who killed his wife's affair partner. He regrets his actions and paid the price.... 18 years in prison for 2 degree murder.

 

Think about this next time a married woman comes onto you!!!

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Holly, I understand, but the statement “with good intentions” meant that I was trusting being told see divorcing her husband. I’m no white knight, but I think we know everything in life isn’t black and white. I shouldn’t have let it get physical before a divorce was final or filled for or something concrete and that’s conpletely on me and my misjudgment.

 

You need to actually wait for people for divorce before making any kind of move. It doesn't matter if she swore she was going divorce.

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Perhaps after a nasty divorce someone totally unavailable is what you targeted to prevent any real involvement other than sexual satisfaction. It's a sort of dead-end fwb situation for you. And that spares your heart and wallet any rerun of the divorce you are clearly still reeling from.

 

So it makes perfect sense for you in a sort of twisted unaware kind of way.. She can string you along with divorce stories and you can relive your divorce and sort of play experienced divorce coach/mentor for her (even though she doesn't mean any of it)

My divorce took 2.5 years from filing to finish and everyone thought I should have been dating during that.
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