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Thread: Making sense of dating a married woman

  1. #21
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    Well, look, I won't tell you off as I'm sure you've heard it all but I'm just not sure what advice you were expecting? You were having an affair with a married woman and you were "the other man" so I don't really think you were in a relationship with her per se. I think you were just someone she was having on the side.

    In anything, actions speak louder than words and I don't think her actions were showing that she truly cared for you or that she was going to leave her husband. People CAN do what they really want to do and if after twenty years she still hadn't left her husband then obviously she doesn't want to leave him that much. In any case, she didn't want to leave him for YOU. If she had really fallen for you and wanted to be with you more than her husband, then she would have made the effort to start the divorce.

    She may be unhappy with him and wanted to have fun with someone on the side but I think she did see you as just an affair. Maybe she did want to divorce her husband but I think not for your sake. Then she changed her mind all together. I don't think you were that important to her to be honest.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    He always seemed to pull her back in, she would say she felt sorry
    You don't understand that? It means on some level she does love him and can't handle hurting him so she'd rather stay with him than to leave him for you.

    You lose. She chooses him over you.

    She has many reasons as to why she should leave him...the bottom line is, she doesn't want to.

    She gives you all these excuses...excuses, excuses. But if it was as bad as she says, she'd not only be out of there but would be having a woman's shelter or similar agency helping her, nevermind the support of her family (if it was that bad).
    She's bs'ing you.
    She stays with him because she wants to.
    She feeds you whatever lines she needs to to keep stringing you along, but she's not going to leave him.

    You'd better hope the husband doesn't find out, he sounds like he could have a very bad temper and no doubt would come looking for you.

  3. #23
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    My serial cheating ex used the same tactics with her affair partner / now husband and so did he with his ex. They were both the worst people you could possibly get in a relationship and like most cheaters, narcissistic.

    I was portrayed to be a drug addict (because I smoked pot for a year, 20 years ago), she said I never supported her with our kids and helped around home. I cooked 4 nights a week, did my own washing and our kids to make it easy for her. Helped the kids with homework. Took them to sport and many other things a loving father did.

    I was accused of arguing with her constantly. I never said a bad word about her or started an argument in 25 years, despite her cheating constantly. she was very critical of everything I did, I couldn't even help my brother for 30 mins without silent treatment.

    She blamed me for financial issues, yet now I'm divorced and caring for all of our kids and she's taken 3/5th of our household income with her, I'm saving lots of money. She controlled our bank accounts and only when I had access to them during our divorce I realised she was spending up to $500 partying on weekends while I looked after the kids.

    Now I'm best friends with his ex wife, everything he said to my ex about her was a lie also.

    You have fallen for the lesson one on page one of the cheaters hand book. Check out the countless affair recovery sites and you'll hear this story in almost all instances of infidelity. It's a method of justifying their a actions, actions which short of physical abuse is one of the most abusive things anyone can have inflicted on them .... All cheaters are pathological liars, it's the nature of the beast.

    The poor husband is probably the victim of extreme emotional abuse and he drinks to escape, like I did with pot after the next part of my story.

    Originally Posted by SherrySher
    You'd better hope the husband doesn't find out, he sounds like he could have a very bad temper and no doubt would come looking for you.

    This is what you should be far more worried about, cheating turns even the most placid man into an extremely angry and unpredictable person. I know this first hand. I'm very lucky I didn't spend the last 20 years in jail for manslaughter or murder.

    I don't have a violent bone in my body, but when I was 22 I discovered my ex having an affair with my best friend since kindergarten. I snapped and beat him badly. In a fit of rage I then threw his unconscious body through a window and severed an artery. He almost died and spent weeks in intensive care.

    Nothing was ever said about this incident and the only reason I stuck with my ex was she was pregnant a week later..... luckily the child was my biological daughter. My friend was so scared he moved to a small island 2000km away.

    Since I've told this story over the last few years, I've met another man who killed his wife's affair partner. He regrets his actions and paid the price.... 18 years in prison for 2 degree murder.

    Think about this next time a married woman comes onto you!!!
    Last edited by Matt0050; 01-11-2019 at 03:32 AM.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Smiling12
    Holly, I understand, but the statement “with good intentions” meant that I was trusting being told see divorcing her husband. I’m no white knight, but I think we know everything in life isn’t black and white. I shouldn’t have let it get physical before a divorce was final or filled for or something concrete and that’s conpletely on me and my misjudgment.
    You need to actually wait for people for divorce before making any kind of move. It doesn't matter if she swore she was going divorce.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Perhaps after a nasty divorce someone totally unavailable is what you targeted to prevent any real involvement other than sexual satisfaction. It's a sort of dead-end fwb situation for you. And that spares your heart and wallet any rerun of the divorce you are clearly still reeling from.

    So it makes perfect sense for you in a sort of twisted unaware kind of way.. She can string you along with divorce stories and you can relive your divorce and sort of play experienced divorce coach/mentor for her (even though she doesn't mean any of it)
    Originally Posted by Smiling12
    My divorce took 2.5 years from filing to finish and everyone thought I should have been dating during that.

  7. #26
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    Thank you Tinydance, SherrySher, Matt0050, Annia and Wiseman2. Feeling more and more stupid as I read the replies.
    I guess I wanted to believe what she was saying was the truth. I never liked the idea of going into a relationship and not trusting the person. I thought that did more damage, appearently I have this backwards.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member IAmFCA's Avatar
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    There is a theme in her life as you describe it - it is as if she is a victim of difficult circumstances. Turn her sentences around to recognize her choices. Example: she talked to their kids about leaving, before she had a plan? As if, what, they would solve it for her, or give her their approval? That isn't how this works. She has made and is still making choices that perpetuate instability -- and her kids can now share that insecurity thanks to her.
    She isn't the devil, she is human and like the rest of us needs support and mentorship. You don't have to hate her. But you do need to see her pattern. Her behavior of hoping others will make decisions for her. Her pattern of abdicating responsibility.

    Her web wrapped you up... but not for long. Good on you.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Smiling12
    Thank you Tinydance, SherrySher, Matt0050, Annia and Wiseman2. Feeling more and more stupid as I read the replies.
    I guess I wanted to believe what she was saying was the truth. I never liked the idea of going into a relationship and not trusting the person. I thought that did more damage, appearently I have this backwards.
    It's not about going into a relationship without trusting. It's just that a cheater is not trustworthy so why would you go into a relationship with one and trust them?

    Which makes me think that like other suggested, after your traumatic divorce you weren't ready to date and to actually risk yourself into another actual relationship a 100%, so you picked an unavailable woman. Sometimes we auto sabotage ourselves and sometimes even unconsciously. I think that rationally you knew that a married woman and with so much messy baggage wasn't relationship material and maybe somehow that made you feel safe. Or maybe, and this is very common too, you're addicted to drama or to the feeling of being a saviour when it comes to relationships, which might be a sign of codependent issues.

    Married people should ALWAYS be out of limit if you want an actual future with someone and a life without drama. I personally wouldn't even date someone who's separated but not officially divorced but I know some people do. In this case she wasn't even separated living her life for a long time. She was still in the same house with him and still pretty much married to him. You need to know deep inside that this woman was never available or willing to actually have a relationship with you. She was never going to leave him for you, despite of what your ego said.

    If you really want to move on and do better, you should take sometime addressing your issues and why you made the choices you made.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Actually, you do have it backwards.

    In what universe is a woman who is sleeping around on her husband, trustworthy?

    It doesn't matter what sob stories she told you, all you need to know is that she is married and sleeping around.

    That's simple logic, fella.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member SherrySher's Avatar
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    Truth be told, you have no clue either if all the stories she told you is even true.

    Her husband might be a decent man and she decides to villainize him in order to justify her sleeping around.

    You don't know, do you?

    As Matt said, his ex told all sorts of lies to the men she was sleeping with and he was a good husband. She is not a decent woman, and her credibility is fairly low at this point.

    I'm not sure why you'd ever think going into any kind of relationship with someone who is married would ever turn out to be a good thing.

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