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Thread: Making sense of dating a married woman

  1. #1
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    Making sense of dating a married woman

    Hi all,

    Typical start, I'm divorced, met a married woman at work. She wasn't wearing a ring so at first I didn't know wether she was married or not. I was a little more than a year out of my divorce and I wasn't aggressively looking for someone. We hit it off from the start and after a few weeks I realized, yep I'm into her. We started texting outside of work after a few months and then I discovered she was married, unhappily (I hear everyone groaning). I told her upfront I wasn't here for an affair and yes should have probably walked away at that point. We would text very often and run into each other occasionally at work. Eventually met up outside work and eventually became physical... making out. After maybe 6-7 months we did have sex. The total relationship was just over a year until today...

    Her story... married for short of 20 years years. Her family life is bad, both brothers have drug problems, mom is manipulative, kicked her out when she was 18. Her current husband basically took her in even though she wasn't so much interested in him back then and got pregnant. Fast forward, he's an alcoholic, was the whole time. She's told him to change and the usual promises and never does. Says she hasn't loved him in 10 years and says the last time they did have sex more than a year ago, felt like she was being raped. He sounded manipulative and controlling.

    From the start she told me she told him she was done. Found out she had been saying it for a couple years. I guess this is where I felt justified in the beginning never going through this before. If she was working on getting out, then I could wait. She went to counseling fro a bit. She even had multiple talks with her kids telling them she wasn't happy and was considering divorce and they freaked, understandably. They told her to keep giving him chances. She told her mom who also told her to stick it out. She told er friends that she wanted out and they said she should stay married and fight through it. She fought with him constantly, arguing about his control over money, her and the drinking. He always seemed to pull her back in, she would say she felt sorry for him. Not sure I still understand that.

    So today it ended. I felt the past month her creating distance and always said to her, the day you know you aren't leaving him anymore I need to know because I'm not willing to go any further with her. I felt this is what she was doing. When questioned on her distancing me, she said she had been distancing herself from everyone around her but her kids. She said she was feeling tremendous pressure that I was waiting around for her and the people around her pulling her in different directions. Was struggling making the break from her husband and wanted me to move on in the mean time she she would feel the pressure wondering about me.

    So I feel crushed obviously from the break up. Respect that it seems she is doing the "right thing". Feel scared that she is caught in an abusive relationship and no one around her will help support her wanting to leave. But my question is am I wrong? Was I being played? Is it possible that people can have affairs, then say I want to do it right and actually mean it? I'm not going to contact her and I told her that. Gonna make a clean break and process what I just went through. Just looking for my own closure on what happened and if it was real I guess.

    Thanks for your time!

  2. #2
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Smiling12

    So I feel crushed obviously from the break up. Respect that it seems she is doing the "right thing". Feel scared that she is caught in an abusive relationship and no one around her will help support her wanting to leave. But my question is am I wrong? Was I being played? Is it possible that people can have affairs, then say I want to do it right and actually mean it? I'm not going to contact her and I told her that. Gonna make a clean break and process what I just went through. Just looking for my own closure on what happened and if it was real I guess.

    Thanks for your time!
    So, you've admittedly been having sex with another man's wife, she cut you lose, prioritizing her marriage and children and now you've come here for support.
    The only advise I have for you is to learn this lesson once. Someday you could very likely be on the other end of this and some guy is sleeping with your wife. What advise would you give him then?

  3. #3
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    What you should hear when married people make excuses for having affairs instead of getting a divorce: "BLAH BLAH BLAH selfish me!"

    It boggles my mind that people still actually buy the BS these cheaters throw out.

    I bet you're not her first affair and won't be her last. Maybe she already found your replacement and that's why she's acting "distant".

    Stay away from this cheater and make a pact to do better next time.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well....what's to understand?

    Cheaters lie.
    They lie about absolutely everything. Their life, their relationship. They are the perpetual victim that you are supposed to feel sorry for and rescue them from their horrible existence.....so "horrible" that they just never seem to leave their spouse for some mysterious reason....hmm....what could it be....hmmm...oh yeah! because they LIE about the real state of their relationship.

    Basically, she is a low life cheating wh...without any kind of values or morals and the same goes for you. So maybe you want to reflect on what is wrong with you and your life that you stooped so low? That might be time better spent than feeding yourself some bs about how this poor poor abused woman needs you. She doesn't, but you were fun and useful and likely not the first or the last. Cheating on their spouse tends to be a lifestyle rather than a one time event.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    But my question is am I wrong?
    Yes. You know it's wrong to have an affair with a married woman, you stated so above in your post and to her directly.

    Was I being played?
    No you were not being played... you chose to have an affair with a married woman. Someone that cheats on their spouse is fully capable of telling people whatever they want to hear in order to ensure they get what they want.

    Is it possible that people can have affairs, then say I want to do it right and actually mean it?
    Of course. This happens ALL THE TIME. Have a look at the Infidelity board on here to see hundreds of examples of exactly what you are talking about.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member Jibralta's Avatar
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    Reading your post, I was thinking, "why do all of these affairs have these extreme sob stories attached to them?" And then I read this:

    Originally Posted by Smiling12
    I guess this is where I felt justified in the beginning never going through this before.
    Bingo!

    The story is always the same and it's a new sucker every minute. I wish there was some sort of beacon that could deliver this information to people before affairs 'just happen.'

    I think you were probably being played in the same unconscious way that you played the dummy in all of this. I think you should put a period at the end of that sentence and make a new rule: No More Affairs.

    Originally Posted by boltnrun
    What you should hear when married people make excuses for having affairs instead of getting a divorce: "BLAH BLAH BLAH selfish me!".
    Haha!

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    Op what you got was her sob story and should have followed your initial gut feeling not to proceed.

    The only advice I can give you is stay single for awhile and do some soul searching to figure out why you stayed and to not do it again.

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    If it was so bad, then why didn't she get divorced? You don't know if what she was saying was true. I would bet money that it wasn't. I can't imagine any friend telling another to stay in an abusive marriage. And, if she was trying to save her marriage, then why was she having an affair with you. C'mon!

    You are both cheats and selfish. No consideration for her family-I am including you in this. Terrible!

  10. #9
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    How can you make sense of something that makes sense at all? I mean, it makes no sense getting involved with married people. It's disrespectful, messy and never ends well.

  11. #10
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    Yeah Iím not right in any of this. I can admit that. I am a trusting person and choose to believe she was getting out as she fed me bits along that way. My fault for crossing the line. In the beginning I choose to believe it with good intentions and along the way, probably got caught wanting it to be true more than it probably was.

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