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jaqueline24

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Is it weird that my boyfriend always calls his mom for anything? Even if it’s for advice on what to do when sick? He’ll get sick and without even asking me for help or anything, he dials his mom and if it’s just a cold, she’ll say go to the hospital but I’ll say I think medicine and rest will help but nope he listens to her and goes to the ER.. like what the heck.. lol. or if he has problems with work related stuff he’ll call her for advice. I didn’t really pay attention to it until recently when he called her for advice on spending his income money on a new truck. Maybe I’m over reacting? We’ve been together for over two years and we live together. Has anyone else gone through this and did y’all just brush it off? I’m not mad or anything! I just think it’s odd lol

 

 

When I get sick I don’t go to the hospital or call my mom, I go to Walmart and get medicine and rest lol sometimes my boyfriend will even call off work just for a cough/cold..

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I don't think it's all that weird for anyone to ask their parents for advice about various decisions. It sounds a bit like the real issue here is that you seem to feel snubbed, left out, and disconnected. Your real question is "why didn't he ask me and why won't he listen to me instead?"

 

The whole thing about running to the ER over a sniffle....eh.....realize that ultimately that's his personal decision regardless of what anyone says. It's how he reacts to being sick - over the top. It's not something you should take personally and not a battle to pick with a person. Could be worse, really, he could be dying and refusing medical help. The fact that he'll run to the doctors is really no skin off your back, so don't get involved or take it personally. What you would do is YOUR business, what he does is HIS business when it comes to things like that.

 

Same goes for buying a car. You might be dating and living together, BUT....how he spends his money and what major purchases he decides on is really none of your business. You aren't his wife and these aren't your combined finances being spent.

 

A better thing to look at as a gauge is how does he treat you where mutual life decisions are actually required - day to day living with each other, bills, chores, etc. Is he considerate and responsive to you or not? If not, then you might have a problem. If yes, then don't pick fights where you don't need to.

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I don't understand why so many people live in this world where "if this is the way i do it.. everybody else must do it the same way." What is this all about?

So while you may not have this type of relationship with YOUR parents, or you approach things a certain way - that doesn't mean that's the "only and right way." This is why dating is about discovering COMPATIBILITY.

 

Although i do think your bf's actions are rare, i don't see why it's an absolute issue without knowing more about the guy. Maybe his parents are very smart and supportive people and give TERRIFIC advice. Maybe tha'ts what they do for their professions. (My parents ar in the medical field so it's not uncommon for medical questions to go to them. Just like my brother and I are both in IT so my parents always come to us for computer questions. Does that make my family weird? I don't think so.)

 

let's get this straight. He's known you 2 YEARS. He's nkown his parents EERY YEAR OF HIS LIFE (If you guys are 25 yrs old or more, that means he's known his parents for over 25 years!) Who would you go get advice from .. a person you've known 2 yrs or 25 yrs? Why is this so weird?

 

If it's not for you. then leave him. You're not compatible. But certainly no need to cut down on his character over it. That's just silly and arrogant.

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sometimes my boyfriend will even call off work just for a cough/cold..
I certainly hope he does. With respect to and the exception of those who don't get the benefit of paid sick days and for whom making rent or feeding their kids relies on each an every hour of pay, one of my absolute biggest pet peeves is people showing up sick. I wish I could fit on two hands the amount of times I've caught a full-on flu because a coworker shows up thinking it's just a cough or cold and, whether it's a pride thing to soldier on or out of a naive benevolence thinking they're making my life easier not packing onto my load, come in anyway.

 

Regardless, he calls his mom twice a day. Pretty much everything he goes to her about are things I'd have no reason to suspect you're more experienced in or aware of than she is at her age. It'd be another thing if you're a veterinarian and she was a hair stylist, yet he's calling her for advice on Chocolat's eye boogers. Personally, I'm the worst in the world when it comes to phoning home while my wife talks to her mom once a day, maybe twice on weekends. I've never thought anything of it.

 

Add that with the fact I think it was like last week you admitted to making out with another dude, and I think you should consider getting used to the fact he's gonna have more reason than ever to refer to her more than you for quite a while.

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hey Jacqueline.

 

Okay that's good to hear. The going to parents for asking for advice itself is not concerning to me. What would be concerning is... (and this is yoru job to figure out)... why is he doing it?

 

meaning.. pay attention to the advice they give back --- is it real good and excelelntn advice that when you heard about it... was it advice you would have appreciated if you got it? Or was it generic, not so provocative or insightful, etc? Thats far more important to assess.

 

Little Story: I realize now the day i started losing my one and only fiancee ever, was the moment I decided to buy the house my parents like... instead of the townhouse my fiancee and i liked. She was like "why did you do that?" I said, "because i want to get my parents off our back... if we bought the townhouse, we'd never hear the end of it." What i didn't get then that i realize now is: my fiancee realized at that point that our life together would never be our own.. it would always be about my parents. It was a hard lesson. I don't allow it anymore.

 

But just another explanation as to why some people may seem to always "run back to their parents". For me... it wasn't because I wanted to. They just stuck their nose in everything somehow (think... stalkers... they always find a way right?). And once they did if things didn't go their way - they'd make sure to bring it up at eery moment in some way to upset you. I wrongfully tried to minimize that by appeasing them (we all know that's just "enabling" them).

 

so.. the solution? I moved away where they can't stick their nose in (ohhh.. they still try as much as they can with the advent of social media, internet, email, etc.) It's no shock both of their sons moved FAR away and have no intentions of coming back.

 

So don't be too judgemental with us folks who have to deal with overbearing parents, stubborn parents.

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Don't complete with his mother or get upset that he takes her advice rather than yours. Just stay out of this whole power struggle and umbilical cord dynamic.

 

You don't seem to respect him. That is as much of a problem as the hypochondria and apron strings. Do you live together? At 23 and 24 you both don't seem ready to settle down.

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My boyfriends mother can be very manipulating. Gosh I didn’t want to have to go into this but.. she can control his decisions easily especially since he was a kid. So I kind of get where he gets that from.. wanting her advice and input on everything and anything. Thanks for sharing your story! And when it comes to what she says, it’s usually always something that I can agree on and probably would’ve said myself if he didn’t ask her (except for the hospital thing)

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I remember going to the ER to have emergency Gallbladder surgery and everyone it seemed in the waiting room had a cold/flu. Not only did I end up having emergency surgery I ended up catching a cold on top of it! So going to the ER if you have a cold is a pet peeve of mine. I can see where your frustration lies there OP.

 

I do agree with however that reaching out to his mom for advice is more normal then you think. You will always need some guidance from them no matter how old you get.

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This reminds me of the time one of my relatives really annoyed me and it was 10pm so too late to call my mother and vent. So I looked at my husband and said "you know what? I'm going to call YOUR mother and vent because I know she's awake and would get it". And I did, and it was great.

 

I really dislike labeling men who are close with their mothers as "momma's boys" - would you do that if it was a female friend talking with her mother that often/going to her for advice? Yes, my husband was very very close with his mother. I don't think he showed it by calling constantly and I do think his mother enabled that kind of "too close" relationship for various reasons. I remember when Princess Diana was killed (we were dating at the time) he wanted to call his parents immediately to talk with them about it. Back then I was very caught up in cliches and notions about what is "masculine" etc and that gave me pause as did other ways he acted around his parents. Now my inlaws are deceased. I miss them especially my mother in law. And here's what I can tell you - I watch my husband with our son who is now 9 and so much of how he interacts/what they do together remind me a lot of how he described his relationship with his parents and what I saw first hand in all the years I've known him/knew them. My son tells me everything and thank goodness for that. I hope he always does and I hope he can find the right balance between our mother-son relationship and, later, any significant other he might have.

And I agree with what everyone else said and glad you are open to listening!

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My boyfriends mother can be very manipulating. Gosh I didn’t want to have to go into this but.. she can control his decisions easily especially since he was a kid. So I kind of get where he gets that from.. wanting her advice and input on everything and anything. Thanks for sharing your story! And when it comes to what she says, it’s usually always something that I can agree on and probably would’ve said myself if he didn’t ask her (except for the hospital thing)

 

okay.. so ya.. his mom is a lot like my parents. overbearing, stubborn, manipulative (my parents are extremely passive-aggressive).

like others said - don't get in the middle of it. he'll outgrow it someday (will see he needs to). you CAN gently nudge that idea but be very careful - ti can easily be manipulated into you're putting yourself betwen them.

I wish my fiancee back then would have sat me down and said, "hey.. 'im not criticizing you. i understand why you do this now that i understand your parents. but you understand that at some point... it has to be about us and what we want.. and not about what your parents want right? at some point you will need to figre out a way to transition from that for your own good... i'll be here to help you with that when you're ready... "

 

so maybe at some point that's something you can do for him so he can finally find the nerve and feel supported and not alone in becoming his own man at some point.

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I remember going to the ER to have emergency Gallbladder surgery and everyone it seemed in the waiting room had a cold/flu. Not only did I end up having emergency surgery I ended up catching a cold on top of it! So going to the ER if you have a cold is a pet peeve of mine. I can see where your frustration lies there OP.

 

I do agree with however that reaching out to his mom for advice is more normal then you think. You will always need some guidance from them no matter how old you get.

 

It is unbelievable. WE wait for HOURS for a legitimate concern!!!! Really selfish! Why don't people use Urgent Care!

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This is exactly what I need to read! Thanks! I definitely don’t want to come in between because I do love his family. I’ll have a talk with him and let him know that I’m here too and I want to help out as well

 

awesome! good luck! let us know how it goes.

i'm pretty sure he's been ready to do this FOREVER.. but never saw a path to get there.

knowing that you get it, support him, don't want to come between them.... i'm sure he'll jump at it. If not, he'll probably admit you are right but isn't ready yet.. but one day he will be.

 

Best of luck!

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oh one last thing.

 

Realize that "your help" may end up being just understanding, being patient, and be there to support him. it very well may not be able to be anything more than that (for risk of looking like you're getting in between them). Trust me, he'd want to protect you too (I would have).

And it may take a LONG TIME. So another part is.. an important part is... just make sure he always knows that he can come to you and talk about it any time and you'll be supportive bla bla bla.

 

its somethign most likely HE will have to do himself. Taht's just as important as the result.

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