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Family feels entitled to my inheritance


JessicaAllen

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Hello!

 

Wow, it’s probably been a good 7-8 years since I’ve been on here. I always would get sound advice on here, so I am glad to see this website is still up and running.

 

It’s been a rough year for me. Laid off from my job in Nov 2017. Not a big deal to me. Was actively interviewing for opportunities when my father passed away in March unexpectedly. As his only child, everything got put on hold to take care of his estate.

 

I received an inheritance of roughly 250k. This money was used to pay off my bills, my car, bought a new car, took a few vacations, and the rest has been put in savings and retirement. I have also paid some of my moms bills (she’s retired and has been very poor at managing her finances) as well as donated money to my sister and brother in laws church. The problem is, that doesn’t seem to be enough for them.

 

My sister and her husband have fallen on hard times. They are both out of work and kind of struggling. She’s upset with me because I haven’t volunteered to give them any money. Ummmm, why should I?? Y’all have been married for 20 years. She had NEVER EVER asked me for a dime, why now all of a sudden are they struggling? She tells me I’m gonna reap what I sow, and if I don’t want to help, our mom is just going to move down to Vegas and help them, and I can pay my rent and my mortgage (I moved from Seattle to Portland, and my mom moved into my house).

 

My question is, am I wrong for not wanting to help? I made it very clear in the beginning that I am not obligated to give anyone a dime. My dad left an inheritance for me, his only child. This money is for my future family, not my broke family who doesn’t know how to save their money.

 

I appreciate any advice!

 

Jessica

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I"m confused. You said you are the "only child" and yet have a sister. is she a sister with your mother with a different father?

 

There's 2 ways to look at this:

1. If your father wanted that money to help your "sister" - he would've left some for her too.

2. Family is familiy and sometimes you lend a hend because their family.

 

In this case... what i would say is - there wasn't a lot of money to go around. So it's wrong for the sister to demand money from you as that's going to leave nothing left for you - and that's not fair to you and probably wasn't your father's wish.

What I think may be going on is, the sister saw you help your mom, and help donate money to a Church (of your brother and sister in laws). And yet.. after doing all that you don't want to help your own sister?

 

That i could see as the craw in the neck on this one and that's REASONABLE for her to feel that way.

But ultimately its YOUR money that was given to you and thus for you to decide what to do with it.

 

Hint for next time though: if you're going to help family out. Think ahad and maybe proportion and even it out so everybody can get a little piece unless it's just SUPER obvious that say "mom" needed lots of help and so she got a good chunk and nobody else did.

 

but yeah.. donating money to a church (which im' sure is not in financial trouble) but not a sister who is in financial trouble.. i can see that ruffling up feathers.

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I hear ya. Yes, my sister and I have different dads, so I am my dads only child. I only have one sister, so she is the same one that I donated to her church. She asked me to do that. I also bought my niece and nephew new phones, and I pay their phone bill. In my honest opinion, I feel I have done enough. If I give her a few hundred, she’s going to be in the same situation next month, needing more.

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I hear ya. Yes, my sister and I have different dads, so I am my dads only child. I only have one sister, so she is the same one that I donated to her church. She asked me to do that. I also bought my niece and nephew new phones, and I pay their phone bill. In my honest opinion, I feel I have done enough. If I give her a few hundred, she’s going to be in the same situation next month, needing more.

 

And that is not your problem.

 

You tell her that this is the last time you will help and they need to figure it out going forward. No more. Period.

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I mean, I can't say I could make a fully reasoned argument as to why you'd ever be obligated to extend her a financial benefit, but I truly couldn't ever imagine finding myself with $250,000 (even docking off however much off you want for whatever expenses you listed) and being stingy about helping my sister if she and her family were in hard times, especially if she'd never asked me for a dime before.

 

I get that money runs out, and it's not that I think you should be throwing her half. I'm just saying that if a lump sum I, for all intents and purposes, otherwise wouldn't have fell onto me, and I was able to get myself into the black, buy a new car, and go on a few vacations, I'd probably be fine with a few grand less of that inheritance ending up in my retirement if it benefited a loved one. Then again, I come from a very poor family and know that I'll be lucky to get enough to have funeral costs covered, so it may be easier for me to say.

 

I don't know. You do you. Again, it's obviously your money. It's less of a question of what you're obligated or responsible to do and moreso one of what a decent person would do. If you feel you've lived up to the latter, I'm not going to try to convince you otherwise.

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Hi holly. My sister was laid off from her job last April, and my brother in law lost his job last month. He was working for one of those schools that got shut down. We’ve only been close the last few years. She’s 8 years older than I am, so she was already married and out the house by the time I was 13. They both have nice cars and phones, so I suggested they look into driving for Uber or Lyft. That’s an easy $300-500 a day.

 

My sister is a master manipulator. She’s good at making people feel bad for not doing something. Mind you, she has never asked for anything, she says her pride won’t let her. She’s waiting for me to volunteer to help. Not happening.

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I hear ya. Yes, my sister and I have different dads, so I am my dads only child. I only have one sister, so she is the same one that I donated to her church. She asked me to do that. I also bought my niece and nephew new phones, and I pay their phone bill. In my honest opinion, I feel I have done enough. If I give her a few hundred, she’s going to be in the same situation next month, needing more.

 

250K is not a lot of money. Don't waste it without a reason. I am all about helping family but you shouldn't enabling you sister. If she is not using the money to change her current financial situation there is no point giving her money again.

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You shouldn't be paying bills or waiting for them to come ask to help. It's needlessly patronizing. So is telling a sibling asking for help to "go drive for Uber." Help or don't help. If you don't want to, stick to "no." Again, your money and no wrong decision. But if you are going to, give a lump sum and be done with it. Don't lord over their phone bills or wait for them to come to you with their hands out.

 

It seems your sold, and perhaps justifiably. Just tell her, "Hey, it's my $250,000 that fell onto my lap. Not yours." That'll shut her up.

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Because she’s expecting me to volunteer to help. She thought by telling me that they’re struggling, I would automatically say “let me help you, how much do you need?” So all of the comments she has made has stemmed from me not volunteering.

 

She should "expect" herself to get a job. Her husband too.

 

How ridiculous to have children and expect someone else to support them.

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So she is out of work and now her husband is too and they were both laid off. She won't come out and ask directly, but basically they are up a creek at the moment and they have no history of asking for help before. Meaning when they were employed or at least one employed, they made do. So I really don't get your attitude and this fixation that somehow they are after your inheritance. That's quite a leap.

 

This is where I have to agree with jmann that you need to do whatever your personal conscience dictates and either help out a bit or just don't. But don't patronize, lecture, or tell them to drive for Uber.

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yeah.. i agre with your own assessment . no $ for her. to have fancy phones and cars and then scream "victim" that you can't afford your mortgage.... OH WELL.

i hate passive aggressive people like that. don't reward (aka "enable") them another moment. Keep and enjoy the money.

 

And btw.. and most importantl.. i am sorry to hear about your Dad.

 

Take care.

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I get what you’re saying. I had suggested Uber or lyft months ago, just as a way to earn extra cash. I didn’t suggest it in a demoralizing way. Shoot, I still drive for Uber in my free time, just for something to do. I wouldn’t say she is after my inheritance, but she has made it clear that I’m not doing enough. I gave $3k to their ministry, that wasn’t enough. I have paid my moms bills, gave her one month free rent when she moved into my house, and that wasn’t enough. “Why haven’t you offered to pay the kids phone bill in full? Mom needs new tires, why haven’t you offered to just buy her new tires?” Those were her exact questions.

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No, $250,000 if it's your sole source of money to get you through retirement. It is a whole lot of money if not a single penny of it is coming from a paycheck of yours, though, and especially if you've got several years of working age in front of you still. You give me $250,000, I guarantee 20% on that yearly just trading from opening bell to lunch and still having time for regular contracting work. What an absolute dream it would be.

 

Again, it's not a matter of an obligation. I just don't get folks who legit wouldn't pay their loans, buy a new car, treat themselves a bit, see they've easily got enough left to put a solid 6-digits they wouldn't otherwise have and say, "Hey, you know what, sis, mother of my nephews, here's $5,000 for a rainy day." No being generous Aunt Sally hooking the kids up with new phones and benevolently covering the phone bill. If they wanna p1ss the money down the drain, at least your hands are clean. Obviously can't say anyone's wrong for not doing it. Just don't understand. Even the whole "don't enable her" bit. OP admits she's never asked for a dime in 20 years. I just can't get behind treating her like the dude on the corner you're not gonna give $1 to because you think he'll blow it on booze.

 

I do think this thread serves as the most ironic use of "entitlement" I've ever seen, though.

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My question is, am I wrong for not wanting to help? I made it very clear in the beginning that I am not obligated to give anyone a dime. My dad left an inheritance for me, his only child. This money is for my future family, not my broke family who doesn’t know how to save their money.

 

My mom got an inheritance from one of her uncles... she has 4 sisters... my mom and dad were his primary caregivers at the end of his life, bringing him meals, making sure his needs were taken care of, visiting him daily... he ended up leaving them with an inheritance that was sizeable. Her youngest sister was apparently resentful that she didn't split the money with them, my mom had the same attitude as you... "why should I? He left it to me not them." They ended up having a huge fight about it and didn't speak for years afterwards.

 

There have been a lot of great comments here... all good food for thought... all I will add is that whatever you do, you need to be prepared to live with the consequences of your decisions. If you decide to cut your family off financially, then be ready for them to cut you off emotionally. Right or wrong that's usually the way these things go when it comes to inheritances. If you aren't prepared to be cut off emotionally, then you may want to reconsider your stubborn viewpoint on their financial situation and give them a little money to get by, with the caveat of course that it is a one time only thing.

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No, $250,000 if it's your sole source of money to get you through retirement. It is a whole lot of money if not a single penny of it is coming from a paycheck of yours, though, and especially if you've got several years of working age in front of you still. You give me $250,000, I guarantee 20% on that yearly just trading from opening bell to lunch and still having time for regular contracting work. What an absolute dream it would be.

 

Again, it's not a matter of an obligation. I just don't get folks who legit wouldn't pay their loans, buy a new car, treat themselves a bit, see they've easily got enough left to put a solid 6-digits they wouldn't otherwise have and say, "Hey, you know what, sis, mother of my nephews, here's $5,000 for a rainy day." No being generous Aunt Sally hooking the kids up with new phones and benevolently covering the phone bill. If they wanna p1ss the money down the drain, at least your hands are clean. Obviously can't say anyone's wrong for not doing it. Just don't understand. Even the whole "don't enable her" bit. OP admits she's never asked for a dime in 20 years. I just can't get behind treating her like the dude on the corner you're not gonna give $1 to because you think he'll blow it on booze.

 

I do think this thread serves as the most ironic use of "entitlement" I've ever seen, though.

 

She said that they have only been close the last couple of years.

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