Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 40

Thread: In a relationship with someone who doesn't want to work

  1. #1
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    335

    In a relationship with someone who doesn't want to work

    So I have started a relationship with a guy who I consider my best friend. We have known each other for a long time, been through a lot, he knows me better than most people and vice versa. I made another thread about how I didn't want a relationship with him, and one of the main things was because of this situation where he doesn't want to work. I ended falling for him and I do love him, he's a beautiful soul and we get along really well. He makes me feel safe, I adore being around him, but I can't take him seriously. I'm 25 years old, I'm not a kid anymore, I want to move in together, get married and maybe have children later on. I want to build a life on my own without depending on my parents. And even though I know that he genuinely likes me, hell in 25 years he's the only guy that I feel that truly loves me, I just can't have something with someone based on just feelings.

    I'm unhappy with my job, and I want to change a little bit what I work with, and I've started looking for other places this week and I've already gone to one interview, and received two others. I get out of work earlier so I can go to the interview, I work my a** off, work on Saturdays and holidays and I was so unhappy with my job that I considered quitting but I don't want to quit before I find something else. I have goals, I want to be independent financially, I want to have my own things, I work really hard for this. Now I'm not saying he has to be workaholic, even I'm not, but he's the complete opposite. I get so upset when I find myself waking up 6 a.m. everyday, getting late home, and him waking up ate 12 p.m., going out to drink almost everyday, never has money for anything and talks about work as if it's some disease. He's almost 27 for christ's sakes.

    He is a lovely person, best person I've ever had in the means of treating me like a princess and treating others also. So respectful and nice, but how can I have a relationship with this guy? I've talked to him so many times about this, he says he's going after jobs, but deep down I know he has no ambition. His mom has a great resposibility for him being like this. He's not rich where he can just give himself the luxury to not work. He's made me pay a lot of time things for him and then I realized I was paying not because something happened, but simply for the fact that he doesn't want to work!! This has lead to a lot of fights and insecurity on my part because at any given time he can just not have money for something we planned to do, and either I'd have to pay for him, or we won't do it. Like seriously, I want to be able to go to a nice restaraunt, or go on a nice trip, not have to be staying home because he never has money.

    Seriously, I love him, I want the best for him, and I really wish we could work it out together... but I'm a woman, not a teen anymore that it's ok to not want to work. I'm just upset, I used to get angry... but now I'm just sad. I feel like this will never change. I keep asking myself if I'm wrong to feel this way, if I'm being futile, but I don't care anymore, I feel like this and I've decided to respect my feelings. I really don't know how to proceed with this.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2016
    Location
    Cloud Nine
    Posts
    30,492
    Gender
    Male
    He sounds like a great friend, but not any sort of partner if you want the house marriage kids, etc. Who supports him now? His alcohol habit and laziness really do not compensate for being "a beautiful soul", if he is a sloth and a mooch. This inertia and entitlement would continue if you go further. The beautiful soul thing would get very ugly very fast if he's sleeping until noon, out drinking daily and you are working several jobs and supporting him.

  3. #3
    Bronze Member
    Join Date
    May 2014
    Posts
    335
    He's mom and dad support him. But his mom has always spoilt him, and they have an account together. Like, he doesn't even have his own bank account with his own money.
    I have tried talking to him about this but I'm seriously starting to think that he won't change... sad, we could really have something good together.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Posts
    10,075
    Why should he change? He has a sweet deal. And apparently building a life with you is less important to him than being able to sleep until noon and booze it up all afternoon.

    It's easy to be a "beautiful soul" when you have zero responsibilities.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Gold Member maew's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2017
    Posts
    827
    Ugh... he might be a nice guy but this would be so unattractive to me! This guy is 27 and has zero ambition, is living off of his mother (gross!), and is making you pay for things... this is not a man in my eyes, it's a child that needs to do some growing up.

    Yea he is treating you like a princess... Cinderella before she meets her fairy godmother comes to mind. Slaving over the hearth for the benefit of her nasty step family... while they sit back and pretend they are living in the lap of luxury... not my idea of a good time!

    OP there is nothing wrong with you wanting a partner that is your equal and is willing to work as hard as you are. This isn't about money as much as it is about being with someone that is on the same page as you in life.. that is willing to hustle for what they want... because at the end of the day, this is what builds character, resiliency and strength in people. Unfortunately it sounds like your current partner is not (and probably never will be) that guy unless his parents stop enabling him.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    Location
    California
    Age
    54
    Posts
    7,614
    Gender
    Male
    You knew before you started this thread what the answer is because you already told us. He has no ambition, no drive, is selfish, spoiled, doesn't respect himself or you. Do you seriously think he would make even a mediocre father? He has already shown he is a terrible partner.

    You are already starting to resent him so what happens when their are children involved? a mortgage?

    You spent part of your post defending him as a great guy that treats you well. I don't see that but I can tell you it is really easy to be carefree and have a good soul when you don't have to work for the things you get and mommy and daddy pay your way.

    You are dating a child in a mans body, time to end this before it ruins your friendship. Tell him you have decided it is best that you are just friends with no romantic entanglements so you both can find the right person.

    Love is a part of a good relationship but it cannot sustain it through his kind of laziness and selfishness.

    Lost

  8. #7
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2013
    Location
    Wilds of Texas
    Posts
    9,086
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by Lovelavie
    He's mom and dad support him. But his mom has always spoilt him, and they have an account together. Like, he doesn't even have his own bank account with his own money.
    I have tried talking to him about this but I'm seriously starting to think that he won't change... sad, we could really have something good together.
    Then stop assuming that he doesn't know better and accept that what you see if exactly what you get. He is a manchild and has no reason on earth to actually get off his rear and support himself, let alone take on a family to support. He is also a shameless user and you are a sucker paying for him. He will live off his parents forever and some day will find some woman who is rich and will take on supporting and mommying him too and that's his life plan. I wouldn't say that he is lacking ambition, he is actually smarter and way more manipulative than you realize.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2015
    Location
    central Florida
    Posts
    2,964
    Gender
    Female
    Nagging someone to be who they are not never works. Always look at what's happening in the present, and expect the same for a lifetime, as wishing for something different is a fantasy that will rarely turn into anything else.

    You should have a must-have and dealbreaker list for making one of the most important decisions of your life, and stick to it. And yes, a poor work ethic should be on your dealbreaker list. He might've made a great friend, but of course, that doesn't always translate into a great romantic partner.

    Being charming is the only thing he has to offer. It's not enough. And now that you've crossed the boundary from friendship to being intimate with him, it won't be in your best interest to continue that friendship. You future bf, if he has any self worth, won't accept you staying in contact with a man you had sex with and continue to share a close bond with. Time to make some major changes in your life for your own good, although it will initially be quite painful for a good long time. You will eventually heal, however, and being single will be give you the opportunity to find a man who meets ALL of your main needs. Take care.

  10. #9
    Silver Member thisisrichey's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2018
    Posts
    388
    Rule 1: you can't change people. Nor is it APPROPRIATE for you to try and change people. If they come to you for advice and tell you they want to change - that's a different thing. but it's not in YOUR jurisdiction to tell him how he should live. He's an adult and we ALL have the right to choose the way we live. What's right for Person A, doens't mean it's right for Person B. SO LET GO of this idea that you need and can change him. (After all, we would never like any potential lover of ours tell us we're great "except" for these few things they want to chnage about us (regardless of what that change is).

    Rule 2: if you have a definite deal breaker and the other person doesn't meet it - than you shouldn't be with them. In this case your deal breaker is somebody how works and has some ambition and income. This is not him.

    Time to cut it off and find somebody that fits your needs more.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    4,336
    Originally Posted by Lovelavie
    treating me like a princess...He's made me pay a lot of time things for him...he never has money.
    Um...so what is your definition of being treated like a princess?

    PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD - stop putting up with a deadbeat...unless you enjoy a life of chasing some deadbeat for child support

Page 1 of 4 1234 LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •