Mother son relathionship affecting ours

Hi there ,

I have been in a relathionship with my boyfriend for going on 5 years now . I am 32 and get is 31. We get along great except for one thing ...he lives in an apartment with his mom .This is due to financial reasons , she works part time. Has no car and divorced /husband passed away.

Now the problem is that I can understand financially relying on your son during tough times ...but that was 10 years ago and they still live together (he pays the rent and Bills)

In their culture I know families stick together and take care of one another but I feel like now it is causing my feelings to change . There are no talks of marriage , he doesn't want kids because of the expenses and he wants to live with me..and his mom. He knows how I feel about this so he suggested us living together and him paying for his mom to have an apartment of her own .

Now this would work if he had money to afford that , he does . He barely can afford their $700 one bedroom apartment now. He sleeps on living room on mattress and she has the bedroom. Which makes it very awkward staying the night over there .

The bathroom is in her bedroom which I should've even have to worry about all this at 32 years old .

So I plan to just live on my own for now .

But my question is , is it even worth it . It's getting too late for me to have kids. She wont move out until she meets someone , gets married and they take on all her bills. Even then she would ask her son to live with them rent free ..and he would do it . Theyre like best friends .She is very untrusting and alot of her relationships fail after 6 months ..I think even if she meets someone she will just break up and fall back on him and living together .

Even if offered free rent , I would still chose to be independent even if that meant struggling to get in my feet . Hes wants to move where theyee only 5 minutes from work but I would have to drive over an hour . If I even considered living with them

Just sucks hes a great match for me but I feel their dependant relationship his causing ours to be at a standstill . It gives him no incentive to move on, like hes still in the teenage boy stage. I cant live with his mom forever and I feel like that's how it will be .

What should I say to him without hurting his feelings? I dont think this is going to get better and now I may just be wasting years

Oh yes you are wasting your time. You say in their culture this is how it's supposed to be. You cant win against that.

I understand you like this guy, but this isnt going to change. Is it worth it to you? Doesnt sound like it. I think it's time to move on.

What on earth makes him a great match to you given everything you just outlined about his lifestyle, beliefs, attitudes, finances, etc.? He isn't long term relationship or marriage material....not even boyfriend material to be honest. You need to raise your standards and move on. Life is too short to waste on this kind of a mess.

Do you live alone or with parents/roommates? Do not stay there. Unfortunately it seems you have a lot of incompatibilities culturally, financially and that he and his mother come as a package deal. Don't throw your life away on this if you want kids and your own family consisting of two parents and kids. It's better to cut your losses than invest more time.

In their culture I know families stick together and take care of one another but I feel like now it is causing my feelings to change .

he doesn't want kids because of the expenses and he wants to live with me..and his mom.

It's getting too late for me to have kids.

Just so you don't kick yourself in the future and wonder "what if..." I'd have a heart to heart talk with him.

I'd be very careful to "purge" your thoughts and feelings and frustrations towards him - that only puts him on the defensive.

Your JOB and GOAL in this talk is to see where HE is at and what HIS plans are. So that's how you put it.

"Hon.. I just want to know what you see for our future... do we have one? if so.. how do you see us transitioning into that from the situation today where you're primarily helping your mom?" Then just let him talk. Don't tell him what you want. don't demand what you want. don't tell him what you think shoudl be done. LET HIM tell you what HE THINKS. That's your job.

My guess is, it'll be REAL CLEAR from his response (un-altered or un-influenced by you since you haven't said anything about what you think or purged any of your feelings) - what's what. From there you will have all the info you need to make a no regret decision for yourself.

Good luck! I hope it works out.

Mama's boys are one of the main types of guys to avoid. You will never be the priority. You now have life experience to know what you don't want from a partner. Why give up your life goals for anyone else? You have one life on this planet. There are no do-overs. You need to make life choices that benefit you, even if it means hurting someone's feelings by breaking up with them.

Give yourself a year of being alone before dating again, but when that time comes, date more wisely next time. Keep cutting off the losers as soon as you see dealbreakers or guys who lack must-haves. You still have time to achieve all your life goals. Good luck.

i think it's unfair to call this a mama boy situation. His dad died. That is not easy on the widow.

I would be MORE concerned if he were NOT willing to help his mom. As well, depending on the culture - this may be standard for that culture for it to be like this.

Thank you , that helped alot . I just didnt know how best to go about the talk

yeah.. your instincts are right - a "talk" is needed. Just remember your end game here and what you want to accomplish with the talk - and that is to figure out what your future is and how he sees it, what his plan is. Or is it clear that he doesn't have one and thus ther is no plan in his mind for you and him.

the best way to figure out your partner is to let them be, and let them speak - and for us to shut up and listen fully to them. All these people with advice like 'tell them to do thsi or that" or "make this demand" or "extene that ultimatum" - tha'ts the worse advice. Why? Because now you have handicapped yourself from knowing "are they doing this because i told them to? or because they want to and will continue to?" And thus imposing your will on somebody is NOT helpful and wastes more time.

on this one.. just let him talk and talk and talk.. You may very well be pleasantly surprised. You may very well be very puzzled/frustrated. however you come out of it and react to it - tha'ts your answer basically.

Good luck and let us know how it goes ok?

We just talked about it and said if he does, would I leave him. I dont want to but I honestly don't see our future going this way either. He said he wants to focus on his career so he doesn't have to struggle ..but hea struggling so much because his mom doesnt help him . Shes currently trying to file disability for a hurt back from working retail as we speak. Hes getting defensive but how would he feel? We just dont have a future and after 5 years there should be been at least plans set in motion if he ever intended on having a future with me..not just about money . I'm not sure how to respond back ....I dont want to break up but I feel like this is how our future will be

okay.. so you let him turn the conversation into what he wants for himself.

you need to ask him very clearly... "hey.. what is your plan for US? and what is your plan to transition from where we are now to our US?"

keep him on that tract.

if he keeps going elsewhere and avoiding that specific question... well.. you have your answer then.

oh and lastly.. you don't have to respond.. remember.. the conversation is about HIM and figuring out where HE IS. that's it.

so you dont' owe him an answer now and if he pushes it.. just say, "this is not about me right now. i just wanted to undersatnd where you are and what you want when it comes to us and a potential future together..." and then end the conversation.

then go back and think about it for a few days.. not right now. its' too emotional right now.

just let it sink in for a few days without analyzing it or making any decisions until ou're calm.

When you are calm.. your own answers will become obvious to you.

What he said will become obvious to you.

etc.

Good luck.

If you want a husband/life time partner and build a family, this is not the man for you at all.