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Cause for concern or am I over reacting?


confusedlemo

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I am in a tough situation. I met my partner 2 years ago. He was here on holiday in my home country.

When we first met we didn't get along very well as I didn't like how he came across. When we began getting to know each other he accused me of wanting money from him and then later made comments about my physical looks such as nice a** shortly after we met.

He later apologized when I said it was unacceptable to treat me like that. He said he was sorry and that he thought I was after his money (he is well off) as he had several women prior to me take him for a ride financially. In regards to the nice a** comment, he said he was sorry also and there was a language barrier as English isn't his first language.

 

I ended up not going any further with him and 6 months after our first meeting we ran into each other again. We began talking again and he begged for a chance for us to try to see if a relationship was possible. Fast forward to now and we have been together, visiting each other back and fourth in each others countries, spending quality time together, he met my family many times, I met his family and asked me to marry him not long ago to which I accepted. I will also be moving to his home country, as he has a business set up there and I have agreed to help him work in his company.

 

During this time I have had a nagging feeling that something is not right with him but I have been unsure of what it is. He always tells me over and over again that he is honest and genuine and can be trusted and that he has a good reputation amongst his family, friends and colleagues. He doesn't use social media (or so he says). I recently found out he did in fact have an Instagram account and I questioned him about it. He said that he does have one but didn't add me as he doesn't use it. I asked him 3 times to add me and he avoided.

After a lot of fighting he added me to the account. He didn't have any posts on there but he did have about 120 accounts he was following and them following him ALL are prostitutes from his area that he is living in. I was shocked. And he was liking a lot of the girls nude photos.

 

I was shocked as he is deeply religious and doesn't believe in sex before marriage. I don't share the same idea but I do respect that is what he wants. I confronted him and he started making excuses saying that he was not the one that created the account, he doesn't know how to use social media and that his friend created the account and must have liked and followed these people. I find it odd - as my partner has a liking for blonde women (I am blonde) and the prostitues he was interacting with are all blonde. He kept saying over and over again he didn't know these accounts were following and being followed and he is blaming his friend and calling the friend an enemy.

Then this morning he is telling me that accounts are not really prostitutes, he had followed some of them to see if he could find someone to get married to as he has been looking for marriage.

Now he is telling me I am hurting him. I don't trust him now. I can't believe he could be like this.

Am I over reacting or should I be worried and dump him before we get married?

 

Any help please would be appreciated.

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The guy is lying to you, and you both know it.

 

While social media may at first seem innocuous, it is the lack of transparency and the dishonesty he is demonstrating that would have me canceling plans to move to him. He's proved to you that he will actively deceive you and doesn't respect you enough to believe that you won't fall for his ridiculous tales. Noticed how many times he's changed his story since you discovered his online activity? He's followed random maybe-prostitutes to see if he could find a wife? Right. What a crock.

 

This is not someone I would uproot my life for.

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The guy is lying to you, and you both know it.

 

While social media may at first seem innocuous, it is the lack of transparency and the dishonesty he is demonstrating that would have me canceling plans to move to him. He's proved to you that he will actively deceive you and doesn't respect you enough to believe that you won't fall for his ridiculous tales. Noticed how many times he's changed his story since you discovered his online activity? He's followed random maybe-prostitutes to see if he could find a wife? Right. What a crock.

 

This is not someone I would uproot my life for.

 

Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. At the moment he is sending me messages telling me that I destroyed him and to make up my mind to drop this siutation or else to leave him.

I mean he may have just been looking at prostitues online but i find it strange they are all in his area and a lot of them are following him back too on Instagram. Gives me a gut feeling that they may know each other.

There are a couple of match making sites he follows as well but the majority are all prostitutes.

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Take more time to get to know him. Do not move there and do not get married. Why is he "looking at prostitutes to find marriage"? Why kind of culture is he from?

asked me to marry him not long ago to which I accepted. I will also be moving to his home country.

 

Then this morning he is telling me that accounts are not really prostitutes, he had followed some of them to see if he could find someone to get married to as he has been looking for marriage.

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Please don't leave your country to live with him and work for his company. If you really want to move there do it for you and find a job of your own and a house to yourself

Too many red flags and you're no where in the place of trust and honesty required to actually marry and build a life together.

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He's deeply religious and hunting for wives on prostitution sites? I highly doubt his family would be okay with that, assuming they'd one day meet this wife and put two and two together.

 

My point? He's not wife-hunting there. He was looking for sex, and my guess is that he's gotten it. He is their client. And now he's turning it around on you and trying to make you feel bad for his lies? Ugh. No.

 

Sorry OP, but this man is not who you think he is. I have a bad feeling that once you were there, you'd discover a whole lot more about him that you don't like. He's not marriage material, by a very long shot. Don't turn your whole life around for this. I can almost guarantee you will regret it.

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Also keep in mind that there are religious men that won't have sex with their future wife before marriage but will indulge with random women or prostitutes and in some cultures this type of cheating is accepted. But what worries me more is him guilt tripping and lying through his teeth regardless of who these women are. Wake up.

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Thank you to all who replied to this thread with helpful and valuable advice. I think I will slow things down and then see what to do with him.

I am not getting a good feeling from this as he is changing his story around.

Now he is angry at the 'enemy' as he calls it which is the supposed friend now turned phone shop owner that set up the phone that he bought from him. I find it odd a shop owner would set up his instagram account and start following prostitutes and liking their pictures - that makes no sense.

Then he went one step further and said to me that he can't trust me now as I don't trust him - he asked me what happens if a photo surfaces one day of him and a girl and he tells me he was never with the girl but it was photoshopped, he says he knows it would damage us as i would believe the image rather than what he is telling me.

The guy is starting to sound like a narcissist.

He is also taking his anger out on the friend/shop owner by saying he is going to beat him up or smash his car for doing this to him.

What also worried me is that he said he doesn't use Instagram as apparently he doesn't know how to use it. Then he said he uses it only for a minute or 2 a day. Then he says he uses it to call people. Then he was pointing out some of the girls he followed as he liked their posts but they are 'good' girls.

I asked who he was calling on Instagram and he said a male friend but there are no males on his Instagram, only women.

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Girl he's lying and obviously grasping for straws to excuse this clinging to any excuse he can get. It doesn't matter what will come up now or whatever crazy story it will be next, like a secret service agent was setting him up or whatever lol. I really hope you're not considering leaving everything for this guy and marrying him after this mess.

 

I'd be less concerned if he at least had admitted that he was checking girls out, apologized and had stick to that story. But this is a whole mess. He also sounds dangerous.

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Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this. At the moment he is sending me messages telling me that I destroyed him and to make up my mind to drop this siutation or else to leave him.

I mean he may have just been looking at prostitues online but i find it strange they are all in his area and a lot of them are following him back too on Instagram. Gives me a gut feeling that they may know each other.

There are a couple of match making sites he follows as well but the majority are all prostitutes.

 

Actually this in bold is a huge flashing warning sign that you need to leave him or else you'll be signing up for serious trouble. How he is acting and reacting is a million times more concerning than the fact that he is following prostitutes on social media. I mean if you had asked him and he had simply told you honestly that yes, he looks at that to help himself from time to time, fine. However, pitching such a raging tantrum, pushing the blame on you that you are destroying him and giving you ultimatums - RUN!!!!!!

 

Notice also that he in general doesn't take responsibility for his actions. He blamed previous women for allegedly being after his money while making himself out to be a helpless victim. In reality, he doesn't have to give anyone a dime. Gold diggers aren't hard to weed out. He isn't a victim. Most importantly, you don't know if anything he has told you is even true. It likely isn't.

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Thank you to all who replied to this thread with helpful and valuable advice. I think I will slow things down and then see what to do with him.

I am not getting a good feeling from this as he is changing his story around.

Now he is angry at the 'enemy' as he calls it which is the supposed friend now turned phone shop owner that set up the phone that he bought from him. I find it odd a shop owner would set up his instagram account and start following prostitutes and liking their pictures - that makes no sense.

Then he went one step further and said to me that he can't trust me now as I don't trust him - he asked me what happens if a photo surfaces one day of him and a girl and he tells me he was never with the girl but it was photoshopped, he says he knows it would damage us as i would believe the image rather than what he is telling me.

The guy is starting to sound like a narcissist.

He is also taking his anger out on the friend/shop owner by saying he is going to beat him up or smash his car for doing this to him.

What also worried me is that he said he doesn't use Instagram as apparently he doesn't know how to use it. Then he said he uses it only for a minute or 2 a day. Then he says he uses it to call people. Then he was pointing out some of the girls he followed as he liked their posts but they are 'good' girls.

I asked who he was calling on Instagram and he said a male friend but there are no males on his Instagram, only women.

 

Wow....the guy is a vindictive psycho. Thank your lucky stars this came out before you married him and moved in with him. There is nothing to slow down here, just get out and get out now. RUUUUUNNNNNN and be sure he doesn't follow you or harm you. Yes, it's that bad.

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I will also add this - a man who will so easily turn on his friend, use him as a scapegoat and call him his enemy......only a matter of short time before he turns on you the same way about something. Beware. This is seriously dangerous territory and once married and there, you might find yourself without a way out.

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As usual, you should listen to DancingFool. I am glad you decided to slow things down.

As far as the misunderstanding of saying "nice a**"..I call BS! I know many people from different cultures and countries, and every single one of them knows how to be polite and respectful.

 

I agree that it is a major warning sign that he blames others and does not take responsibility for anything he does. You deserve way better, OP.

 

Good luck and please keep us posted.

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Thanks again everyone for the additional replies, this is really helping me to get through.

His lies have gone through a whole new level.

 

He told me that he is a Bahrain citizen. He told me since we met that he had a Bahrain passport. Tonight he said that his friend (yes, another friend!!) took out a big loan from the goverment of Bahrain for a business that went wrong in his name and he took off leaving my partner to pay back the loan and so he can no longer use his Bahrain passport any longer. So i asked him how he is traveling around then and he said he was using his fathers nationality passport (Pakistan). This is no issue to me but why lie AGAIN.

I wonder if he ever had a Bahraini passport, he does live and work there but it seems now he only has a visa to work there and he is not a permanent citizen or passport holder.

I am so angry with him beyond belief.

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His lies have gone through a whole new level.

 

He told me that he is a Bahrain citizen. He told me since we met that he had a Bahrain passport. Tonight he said that his friend (yes, another friend!!) took out a big loan from the goverment of Bahrain for a business that went wrong in his name and he took off leaving my partner to pay back the loan and so he can no longer use his Bahrain passport any longer. So i asked him how he is traveling around then and he said he was using his fathers nationality passport (Pakistan). This is no issue to me but why lie AGAIN.

I wonder if he ever had a Bahraini passport, he does live and work there but it seems now he only has a visa to work there and he is not a permanent citizen or passport holder.

 

Remember how I said up-thread that you would surely find out more about him you didn't like? Well, look what we have here. You have no idea what nationality this dude even is or why he doesn't have a passport from Bahrain. He's lying because he doesn't want you to know the truth, whatever that may. I would not be so quick to assume that he's being honest about having a Pakistani passport either.

 

And his "hypothetical" scenario that if you saw a photo of a him and girl together, you'd believe it even though it would supposedly be a photoshopped fake? This is his absurd preemptive strike. He knows there are inappropriate photos of him with women out there somewhere, and he's afraid you're they're going to find their way to you. So he's trying to make up a cover story now before you see them.

 

I don't know what his deal is, but he's not who he says, OP. Don't just slow things down. Call them off completely. You have no clue who you're really engaged to, sadly. Thank heavens you found this all out now before marrying him and really finding yourself stuck and in trouble.

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Thanks again everyone for the additional replies, this is really helping me to get through.

His lies have gone through a whole new level.

 

He told me that he is a Bahrain citizen. He told me since we met that he had a Bahrain passport. Tonight he said that his friend (yes, another friend!!) took out a big loan from the goverment of Bahrain for a business that went wrong in his name and he took off leaving my partner to pay back the loan and so he can no longer use his Bahrain passport any longer. So i asked him how he is traveling around then and he said he was using his fathers nationality passport (Pakistan). This is no issue to me but why lie AGAIN.

I wonder if he ever had a Bahraini passport, he does live and work there but it seems now he only has a visa to work there and he is not a permanent citizen or passport holder.

I am so angry with him beyond belief.

 

.....So this allegedly super rich businessman who is afraid of gold diggers, is in fact living in a country he supposedly is a citizen of, where the government might just catch up with him any moment for defrauded funds that he is allegedly paying...but somehow must hide under a fake passport and visa in his fathers name, who happens to be Pakistani..... This is starting to sound more and more like a plot for a fiction novel. Next "truth" installment is that he is really just an errand boy for the actual business owner and is actually personally broke? Smh here. I really hope that by now you have actually decided to get out of this situation for good and aren't humoring him any further and allowing to lie and gasslight some more. Not one thing about him adds up and it won't. Just be really really grateful that you found this all out now, before you married him and moved over there....or you might end up finding out what the inside of a Bahranian jail looks like.

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