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Thread: Could he be lying about how he feels about me?

  1. #21
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    Sorry, wrong thread.

  2. #22
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    Originally Posted by Annia
    Are you getting therapy or any kind of treatment?
    Yes. I see a therapist and looking to hopefully start a new medication soon

  3. #23
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Isn't it supposed to mean more to you? Isn't that the entire point of him taking you out, being romantic, etc? What's the problem here? Are you hoping for some big sparkly news this vday?

    Why are you scanning his posts from last year? What is really wrong with the relationship that you feel the need to do this and misinterpret a communication between two guy friends?
    Originally Posted by alexa5207
    I thought we had a great day. I felt like it meant more to me than him.

  4. #24
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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Isn't it supposed to mean more to you? Isn't that the entire point of him taking you out, being romantic, etc? What's the problem here? Are you hoping for some big sparkly news this vday?

    Why are you scanning his posts from last year? What is really wrong with the relationship that you feel the need to do this and misinterpret a communication between two guy friends?
    Someone recently commented on the post so it popped up as recent on my feed.

    I don't know. I guess I am just so used to being used and thrown away that I find it hard to believe that ANYONE could love me. I never got it from my parents, siblings, friends or relationships thus far. So it's a little hard to grasp that an outsider can come into my life and care about me more than my family. So I guess when I see things, any thing, that could even slightly be interpreted as he doesn't care about me, I run with it; further confirming that I AM unlovable. Like confirmation biased. Not looking for pity just being honest as to what I think it could be as I tend to be pretty introspective.

    Problem is, I don't know how to change it. I want to. I really do. I've been on countless medications, seen countless therapists, did both dialectical and cognitive behavioral therapies. You name it, I've tried it. Some have worked, specifically the DBT but most programs don't last long so after 6 months, you're on your own.

    My other fear is what if I DO find something that works? And what if it changes me to the point that I'm completely carefree and nothing he does or says bothers me? Then I've left myself open to being taken advantage of. Kinda goes back to not knowing when to differentiate between something being a big deal and something worth letting go. Whatever it is in the human brain that allows "normal" people to gauge that, I don't have it. I'm constantly posting things online or asking my therapist and the few true friends that I do have for an outside perspective bc I can't tell the difference on my own. And that scares me.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Keep it very very simple. You are still dating after a year so that is an obvious sign that it's working and he likes you. There are no special crystal balls or mind-reading abilities in the "normal brain". Come down to earth and things will clear up for you.

  7. #26
    Platinum Member katrina1980's Avatar
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    alexa, guys just don't react to such things same as women, best to stop expecting him to react like you, a woman.

    Not gonna happen, and why would you even want him to? He's a MAN. Yin and yang, appreciate the polarity and embrace your differences!

    His reaction as a man doesn't mean he doesn't feel same as you, he just reacts differently especially with his guy friends.

    It would also be helpful for you to understand where your anxiety and distrust stem from versus projecting your anxiety on to him and making assumptions based on such projection and unfair assumptions.

  8. #27
    Silver Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by alexa5207
    I understand it's possible that I may be reading way too much into this. That's why I'm here asking for advice instead of bringing it up to him. I guess I just felt like since it IS his best friend and this IS his first relationship, he'd have had a better response bc I thought we had a great day. I obviously don't expect him to literally be screaming it from the rooftops. But would a LITTLE emotion or acknowledgment hurt? THAT'S what bothers me the most. I felt like it meant more to me than him.
    So here is some advice that will help greatly the rest of your life. :)

    Men and women are different.
    We deal with things differently.
    We communicate differently.
    We listen and process things differently.

    The biggest mistake ALL of us make is... men assume women think/communicate/process like we do. Women assume men think/communicate/process like they do. And nothing can be farther from the truth.
    So. in this case, when you say "well since it WAS his best friend, and it was our FIRST valentine's, i'd think he would have had a better statement." In reality, what you're REALLY saying is, "i as a FEMALE, if it were MY best firend, regarding my first valentine's with my bf, would have said something different." Taht's really what you're TRULY saying. And that's great. But you're a female. He is a male. We do things differently.

    To cut to the chase - no.. guys really DON'T elaborate or get into details about your relationships OR our girlfriends. We just don't. Now, I've come to learn over the years that females GET INTO ENORMOUS amounts of details about their boyfriends. As a male of course.. i was UTTERLY SHOCKED at how much detail females get into it!! Taht's cuz I'm a male!

    So in the end.. no.. sorry. really. your bf's response to another male was pretty normal for guys. Taht's just how we communicate. That's truly how LITTLE we get into it about our gf's no matter how much we may love them, etc.

    Understand this.
    Accept this.

    The biggest mistake you can make here, is to fault your man for being a man.
    The biggest mistake you can make here, is to try to make your man more like a woman.

    You need to just let go of the fact that men and women are different.

  9. #28
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    Thanks to everyone that responded. I truly appreciate it. It made me look at this situation and future situations differently. I know I still have a lot of work to do on myself and I will continue to do so as not to project that onto him and to make myself more confident and hopefully understanding.

    Thanks again so much.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member reinventmyself's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by alexa5207
    I'm constantly posting things online or asking my therapist and the few true friends that I do have for an outside perspective bc I can't tell the difference on my own. And that scares me.
    I used to do something similar. I would tell a story about an event in my life and gauge the listeners response to determine how I ought to feel. Ugh, that's a sad place to be and I feel for you. And yes, often times not knowing this difference will set you up to be taken advantage of.

    How do you stop that? With practice. You take a step back and dig down deep and honor what you feel. You learn to self regulate and yes, you still somewhat mirror a social norm and learn to navigate what it is appropriate. You catch yourself when you feel the urge to sponge up another's reaction. But most of all, you learn to trust yourself. It's a very long journey and I would advise you to go back to therapy and get some more help to work through this.

    We are all given the gift of intuition and you can either snuff it out or practice embracing it. There are some great books about it. You might do a search for some.

    Years ago I can remember telling my therapist of a painful event and asked him if it ought to hurt. He practically jumped from his chair and said to me `it's as if you are holding your hand over a fire and asking me if it hurts' It still makes me a little sad to think back to how lost I was then. But I was in an abusive marriage and that's a whole 'nother story'

    It's possible, take it from me. I've been where you are at and it took me years to find my way.
    But today, I thankfully trust and know myself pretty well. Some may say I have swung to far too the other side.
    But to me, that's a compliment.
    It took a long time though.
    Last edited by reinventmyself; 01-11-2019 at 07:40 PM.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by reinventmyself
    I used to do something similar. I would tell a story about an event in my life and gauge the listeners response to determine how I ought to feel. Ugh, that's a sad place to be and I feel for you. And yes, often times not knowing this difference will set you up to be taken advantage of.

    How do you stop that? With practice. You take a step back and dig down deep and honor what you feel. You learn to self regulate and yes, you still somewhat mirror a social norm and learn to navigate what it is appropriate. You catch yourself when you feel the urge to sponge up another's reaction. But most of all, you learn to trust yourself. It's a very long journey and I would advise you to go back to therapy and get some more help to work through this.

    We are all given the gift of intuition and you can either snuff it out or practice embracing it. There are some great books about it. You might do a search for some.

    Years ago I can remember telling my therapist of a painful event and asked him if it ought to hurt. He practically jumped from his chair and said to me `it's as if you are holding your hand over a fire and asking me if it hurts' It still makes me a little sad to think back to how lost I was then. But I was in an abusive marriage and that's a whole 'nother story'

    It's possible, take it from me. I've been where you are at and it took me years to find my way.
    But today, I thankfully trust and know myself pretty well. Some may say I have swung to far too the other side.
    But to me, that's a compliment.
    It took a long time though.
    It is refreshing to know that you have had similar struggles and you managed to make it to the other side. Your story gives me hope that I'm not alone and that it IS possible. I wrack my brain trying to figure out why I'm like this. I've been through a lot in my life and I'm sure growing up with a narcissistic mother didn't help. But I know the why isn't as important as the "how to" as in "how to fix this." It's a long journey, I'm sure, but one I'm willing to embark on.

    Thanks again for your response.

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