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Flaky Girlfriend - Financial Abuse?


Depressed

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Not that it really matters anymore, but I was just looking for some input from others here about what you think of my (ex) girlfriends behaviour in these circumstances.

 

She likes to spend most of her time at home not doing a lot in the house. But, there have been several times that I have suggested going for a walk, visit my family, shopping etc which at the time she seems all for doing.

 

So I would arrange with my brother and his girlfriend to meet up in town for a meal a couple of weeks beforehand, BUT, on the day of the meal my girlfriend always claims to be 'tired' and refuses to go! Obviously this frustrates me and especially given the very short notice (usually an hour before we're meant to go out) which leaves me with no option but to go myself.

 

She has backed out of other things last minute and I felt like I could never really plan anything because at the back of my mind I would know she wouldn't always go through with what she at the time agreed to.

 

She has said in response to me showing my frustration that I just need to 'deal with it and that's it' - never apologising or acknowledging my feelings in this equation.

 

We were booked to go to a hotel for a few nights recently and on the day of us meant to be going, she at the last minute again said she was 'too tired' to go. I suggested I drive there and she sleeps in the car but she wasn't having any of it. We lost several hundred pounds because of her no show.

 

She doesn't seem to grasp that money is important and she doesn't realise the value of it as when I said are we going or not, she said no and I don't care if it cost a few grand to go!

 

I suggested she drive since she suggested booking the hotel trip but she claimed she didn't know where to go even though I have a Sat Nav! I have done all of the driving 99% of the time on longer journeys but she seemed to throw up a poor excuse.

 

Maybe she is better being my ex girlfriend now. This is odd behaviour from a grown woman in my opinion.

 

Thoughts?

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She was a flake. And, at least by your accounts, was a particular jerk about it. You weren't abused simply because you failed multiple times to take it into account and dump her sooner than later, though.

 

I don't understand why she had to find a crappy excuse for her reason not to go to the hotel etc.

 

Ah well, she isn't my problem anymore.

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The reason she didn’t want to go out With you and your brother or go to the hotel has nothing to do with financial abuse— it sounds like she just didn’t want to spend time with you. Sorry to be blunt!

 

But she should be more polite and not tell you last minute. That’s just rude and bad manners.

 

Do just to clarify- you are broken up now? It sounded that way at the end of your post.

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The reason she didn’t want to go out With you and your brother or go to the hotel has nothing to do with financial abuse— it sounds like she just didn’t want to spend time with you. Sorry to be blunt!

 

But she should be more polite and not tell you last minute. That’s just rude and bad manners.

 

Do just to clarify- you are broken up now? It sounded that way at the end of your post.

 

I hear what you are saying. She just couldn't be bothered to spend time with me and instead of being upfront and honest with me, spins me a web of lies with pathetic excuses!

 

Yes we are broken up now (I ended it after I caught her sexting someone behind my back.)

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1. Yes it's good she's your ex-. Now stop wasting time thinking about her, picking her apart, etc. MOVE ON!

2. No this is not "odd behavior." Why is it? Just because its' different from how YOU are?

 

Realize we are all individuals and we all have our own preferences and what we like and prefer. And while laziness and lack of energy to leave the house (aka being a 'recluse') may be signals of some other unhealthy things going on in her life that she needs to deal with - it doesn't matter. She has every right to be how she wants without needing to defend it to you. And just because her way is different from your way doesn't mean she's crazy and you're 100% perfect. What it means is - you were incompatible and shouldn't have been together. Period!

 

Now let's talk about what YOU could hav done better and pick you apart (since all you do is pick her apart). What you did wrong and what YOU NEVER GOT is you never paid attention to her and what she's about and who she is. All you did was keep trying to make her do what YOU want and change her into what YOU'RE like - and she was clearly none of that. Yet you kept pressing on and kept pushing and makign plans and EVEN SPENDING MONEY that was clearly not money well spent because it just wans't her - AND THEN BLAME HER for you "wasting money." Sorry pal, but it's not her fault you wasted money. It's YOURS. If you were 1/2 paying attention to her and learning about her - you would've known a long time ago that that just isn't her thing and to just not keep trying or spending that money. Period!

 

"it was her idea?" yeah right. You probably pressured her into it so much that she just threw out an idea to appease you but was never into it. That much is clear by the way you wrote your post. You're pushy. You're about yourself. Everything was about her having to do what you wanted her to do - without ever consideration of figuring out what you could do to make HER happy now and then (and mayb come up with a fun date AT HOME she could enjoy and get into - which is MUCH CHEAPER and can save you money --- since you hate to waste money..)

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I hear what you are saying. She just couldn't be bothered to spend time with me and instead of being upfront and honest with me, spins me a web of lies with pathetic excuses!

 

Yes we are broken up now (I ended it after I caught her sexting someone behind my back.)

 

Thanks god you broke up with her. This woman is not girlfriend material at all and seems disrespectful and entitled. Good you dumped her!

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Thanks god you broke up with her. This woman is not girlfriend material at all and seems disrespectful and entitled. Good you dumped her!

 

Now that I look back on the relationship, a few things are clearer to me now:

 

She never really put me first and was quite selfish in many ways (not at the start of the relationship however) but as time went on she began to be that way. It was all about her, her terms/her times/her mood - it all boiled down to 'if it suited her' and to hell with my feelings.

 

I am still upset and angry at her but I had to dump her because as you say, she just isn't girlfriend material.

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I think you need to address why you stayed in this mess for so long.

 

Because I thought she would change, clearly she didn't and wouldn't.

 

 

If someone cancels on me an hour beforehand, they get one chance only. She basically used u. Aim higher next time.

 

Oh this is not the first time she has cancelled on me an hour beforehand for things, she has done this quite often.

 

It's just rude, disrespectful and arrogant.

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Focus on why you accepted it.

 

No that does not mean say “ yeah, I accepted it but....” and then go in another tirade about her all youre proving is she still has power over you.

 

Do you mean why I accepted putting up with her behaviour?

 

How does she still have power over me, I haven't seen or spoken to her for a week now?

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Admittedly yes, I do think about her all the time - constantly actually. She was the love of my life.

 

Up to this point. She WAS the love of your life up to this point.

 

Hopefully the real love of your life won't cheat on you and you won't be accusing her of "financial abuse".

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Up to this point. She WAS the love of your life up to this point.

 

Hopefully the real love of your life won't cheat on you and you won't be accusing her of "financial abuse".

 

Yes I hear what you're saying.

 

Words are cheap and if you love someone then you won't treat them like this.

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She didn't abuse you, but she certainly didn't respect you as a person. I agree that you need to stop telling yourself that she was the love of your life and answer the really hard question - why did you put up with being treated like dirt for so long?

 

Being brutally honest with yourself about that and whatever fears and insecurities drove you to cling on that long will actually help you move on and stop thinking about her and find a better gf when you are ready. Once you are ready to date again, you'll be much more aware of red flags and what to avoid and readier to cut bait sooner.

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What have you done so far to try to move forward from this breakup?

 

I've tried to forget about her, go about my day to day life. I've ignored her messages and have deleted her number.

 

She didn't abuse you, but she certainly didn't respect you as a person. I agree that you need to stop telling yourself that she was the love of your life and answer the really hard question - why did you put up with being treated like dirt for so long?

 

Being brutally honest with yourself about that and whatever fears and insecurities drove you to cling on that long will actually help you move on and stop thinking about her and find a better gf when you are ready. Once you are ready to date again, you'll be much more aware of red flags and what to avoid and readier to cut bait sooner.

 

I put up with it for so long because I truly believed that she loved me and I definitely love/d her. It wasn't always like this in the relationship, but it's become more evident in the last few months or so with her flakiness becoming more intense and obvious. I suppose the 'honeymoon' phase wore off and we saw the 'real' people in us?

 

As the saying goes, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

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Because I thought she would change, clearly she didn't and wouldn't.

 

 

 

 

Oh this is not the first time she has cancelled on me an hour beforehand for things, she has done this quite often.

 

It's just rude, disrespectful and arrogant.

 

Exactly. You taught her she could do anything and you'd take it and let it slide. We determine and teach others how to treat us.

Self respect should be most important. You let her treat you like crap and who cares if she's rude and arrogant? You allowed it.

 

She was a crap gf, and you need to work out why you tolerated it. Block her and work on yourself pronto.

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Exactly. You taught her she could do anything and you'd take it and let it slide. We determine and teach others how to treat us.

Self respect should be most important. You let her treat you like crap and who cares if she's rude and arrogant? You allowed it.

 

She was a crap gf, and you need to work out why you tolerated it. Block her and work on yourself pronto.

 

Agreed, agreed, agreed.

 

I basically let her walk all over me without any repercussions, so it's no wonder she continued to think she had won a medal and keep cancelling on me last minute - I can't blame anyone for that.

 

Lesson learned, speak up next time and don't be a doormat allowing crap. Relationships are a two way street, not a one way street.

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