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Which do I sacrifice - having children, education, or financial responsibility?


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Hey all, so I've got some thoughts swimming around in my head and I'm not sure where they really leave me in the end. I'm 32 and will turn 33 in September this year.

 

For a number of reasons I faced a lot of obstacles and challenging situations getting to where I am now. I'm studying my MPhil in Egyptology at the University of Cambridge and it's a very intensive 1 year degree. As I'm an international student studying at Masters level, the tuition fees were exceptionally high and, despite working solidly (as a university lecturer in Japan) for the last 3 years (before starting my degree in October last year) to earn tuition money, I still fell short $30,000 AUD for the program. I contributed to tuition about $40,000 AUD and my step-father lent me the remainder, which was the equity of his and my mother's house.

 

My mother, sadly, passed away in May last year, so the beginning of my degree and moving from Japan was a bit rough on me, but I've managed to push through as I've wanted to study in my chosen field since I was 8 years old. Everything I have ever done in my life has been in order to bring me closer to this goal. However, due to the set-backs I've faced, I'm now in a situation I didn't ever want to be in; this all fell together at a much later stage in my life than I'd hoped. As I said above, I'm 32 years old. I desperately want a family. In Japan, I didn't really have the opportunity to meet a man and form a committed partnership. I also was not in an environment that made that very possible prior to moving to Japan. Now, I'm in England, but I'm not British and I'm only here for such a short time. I plan to do my PhD, but my supervisor and other academics in my department have very much insisted that I take a year off between my Masters and PhD, which means I have time that I find I will be in limbo with.

 

I also made an agreement with my step-father to work after I complete my degree so that I can pay the loan off. Returning to Australia for that one year is not very feasible due to the fact that Australia is very, very expensive to live in, and has a very low dollar value when exchanging to the stronger pound and other currencies. And, I might not even find employment straight away (the last time I lived there it took me 3 months). Going back to Australia would not put me in a financial position to take up my studies in Europe when the time comes, which means I must seek employment either here in England (which I already have the visa for), or elsewhere. Unfortunately, getting a job in my field without a PhD is not to likely, which means I will have to take up a non-academic position without the chance to save much.

 

I have considered applying for lecturing positions in South Korea etc, but again, I'm not sure how viable that is. All of this wouldn't be such an issue for me, if I wasn't going on 33 and wasn't only taking a year off. I want to have children, so much so that it's even making me re-evalutate my decision to do a PhD in the very near future. What I really want is to just take some time off working and studying and have a family. But, without a partner, without a significant amount of savings behind me, and without a country that I am settled in, this also isn't feasible. Not only that, I also have the obligation and commitment to reimburse my step-father as mentioned. I feel like the timing of everything happening in the way it has means that I now have to sacrifice one or more very important things to me. I either decide against further study (which I've spent my ENTIRE life working towards) for the foreseeable future in order to re-save money and pay my step-father back immediately (which means also not being in a position to take time off to have children should I meet someone), or I decide against being available to having children in order to complete my education or to work, or I sacrifice financial stability in order to pursue meeting someone and having a family - which I can't do without money anyways. I can't even say that I'll end up meeting anyone as I've already been single for 5.5 years and not through lack of being open and out there, it just hasn't happened for me. I am not in a position to fly back to Australia and pay the astronomical price it costs to freeze my eggs, nor pay for potentially countless rounds of IVF and sperm donation. I also can't go straight into a PhD, especially if I'm not awarded funding. I feel so stuck. I don't want to not have children but I feel like that's what I'm going to end up being forced to sacrifice because, more than the other two elements, having children involves other things outside my control - a partner, chances of falling pregnant, etc. Advice?

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You are being far too black and white about all of this. Your sense of urgency to have children and your fear that you won't get your way is clouding your judgement.

 

Everything you write about is totally doable... perhaps not in the time frame you originally anticipated, but you can indeed do all of the things you want to do if you adjust your thinking to a more balanced one. You might want to start by talking to your step-father about what's going on as that is the one thing you have the most control over at the moment and see how you can pay him back in a way that works for both of you without asking you to give up your entire life to do so.

 

And why would you have to sacrifice financial stability to pursue a relationship and family? There are PLENTY of women out there that have amazing careers and children! Besides, if you give everything up to have kids you will only end up being unhappy and miserable which at the end of the day will impact the lives of your children. Perhaps you put it on hold for awhile and go back to it... the options are endless if you open your mind!

 

Consider sitting down with a life coach or career counselor that can help you figure out how you can do all of these things you want to do by helping you develop a vision and some goals, and then breaking everything up into manageable chunks.

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I get the conflict because I spent many years in grad school plus establishing the career I first dreamed of when I was a teenager. I also knew I wanted to get married and be a mom and knew that from early on. Freezing eggs was not a viable option when I asked my doctor about it 20 years ago when I was 32. (technologically not financially). So here is what I would do. I would either spend the money to freeze eggs (and no you might not need IVF should you need to use them, it depends) or see if there are research or clinical studies you can qualify for where you can have the procedure done for less $ or even for free. And for the next 5 years at least I would prioritize living in a place where you can meet and be proactive about meeting potentially good matches -so, yes, I would put that ahead of career as much as possible, for now. Don't give up everything but see if you can strike more of a balance so that you are in a position to meet and get to know people/date. I would not do the single mother by choice thing at this point so if you freeze your eggs that would be for the future, not now.

 

As for me I didn't marry or become a mom till I was 42. I didn't need IVF or any intervention and got pregnant for the first time and only time at age 41 -but that is atypical and I was really lucky. What I will say is that I'm thrilled I worked so hard in grad school and at my career for all those years (and I met my husband originally at work) but no I didn't put off marriage or motherhood because of prioritizing a career -I simply didn't become the right person to find the right person until my late 30s and i made poor relationship choices/got in my own way. But I was always proactive about meeting people - online dating, singles events, volunteer work, getting set up on blind dates and setting others up (which also motivated them to return the favor).

 

I would not seek out a life coach right now or anything that required more $ - save your pennies for egg freezing, etc. I would look into books by Martha Beck who I believe addresses these kinds of life choice issues. Also if there is free counseling where you are studying now that might help too. Good luck!!

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I think you've gotta sit down with a counselor and really hash this out. Granted I attended community college and a land grant, but for $70,000 AUD, I certainly hope Cambridge provides some form of service. Planning this out is something very personalized with regard to both your personal life and your career options. For instance, how urgent this PhD is would depend on just how much it expands your career options to successfully navigate paying back your family, any other loans, other independent living costs, and preparing to support a new family of your own in the future. I have no idea what an MA in Egyptomology would get you over a PhD in whatever you're planning. There are practical considerations when it comes to what windows are opened vs. what further debt you could be bringing into a new family. Especially if your fertility backup is going to be to drop $10,000 on freezing, however much a year to store eggs, and then however much for an IVF or potentially several.

 

I don't say it to sound gloomy. In fact, it's the opposite. Again, speak to someone who's more intimately familiar with your personal circumstances and your prospective fields, but having an MA is pretty well educated and I'm assuming would come with some opportunities. But from my more general perspective, it wouldn't seem like the end of the world if you took what you've got, worked to pay down on what you owe your step dad, do some dating, and if/when you start a family and pop a kid out, get him or her to school-age and hit the books again yourself. I work in academia, and at many prestigious schools in NYC. I see men and women in similar positions or those even more difficult still managing to thrive at 30, 40, 50, and even 60+.

 

Again, without any in depth knowledge of your field and options, it sounds to me like you could get by chronologically prioritizing what's most important to you. Best of luck.

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@maew Firstly, thank you for your response. I do disagree, though, about my making it black or white or my sense of urgency should I not get my way. I've had my goals, which have often had set-backs, but I've let things unfold in whichever way they're going to and accepted what reality eventuates as a result. I never wanted to move to Japan, but I was no in a position to ignore the opportunity. I knew moving there likely meant to accepting the fact that it would be difficult to meet someone and maintain a relationship. But, it's what I had to do to put food on the table, so I did it. If I'd had my way, I'd have had children 10 years ago. But things didn't turn out that way and I didn't try to force them to.

 

About my step-father, they've stopped his pension as a result of him having that equity, which he gave to me. He's pinching the pennies and I made a commitment to him that I feel would only be right by honouring. When I was offered my place at Cambridge I was at the cross-roads of either putting a deposit on a house or investing in my education. I invested in my education, knowing I'd be going into debt and making a commitment to repay that debt as soon as possible. What I meant by sacrificing financial stability, would mean that I wouldn't be in a position to raise a family without already having a foundation to fall back on. A relationship can be pursued no issue, it's having children when I don't have anything behind me. But, on the child front, the concern that I have and the sense of urgency I have is because I have significant fertility issues. I was informed some time back that my falling pregnant naturally was already compromised for several reasons and that as I get older, my ability to have children significantly diminishes. As it is, I'm not sure how much luck I'd have at having children now were I in a position to.

 

I've had my mind open and have done what I needed to do in order to make it through some really hard times, even if it meant putting what I wanted on the back burner and bide my time. But I've also tried to be open and receptive in these situations despite that. I've expressed my concerns to my step-father and my mother when she was alive over the past couple of years, but there isn't any easy answer to this. I'm not intending to shut down your advice, especially since I asked for it, but I think the nature of my position isn't as flexible as one might think.

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I get the conflict because I spent many years in grad school plus establishing the career I first dreamed of when I was a teenager. I also knew I wanted to get married and be a mom and knew that from early on. Freezing eggs was not a viable option when I asked my doctor about it 20 years ago when I was 32. (technologically not financially). So here is what I would do. I would either spend the money to freeze eggs (and no you might not need IVF should you need to use them, it depends) or see if there are research or clinical studies you can qualify for where you can have the procedure done for less $ or even for free. And for the next 5 years at least I would prioritize living in a place where you can meet and be proactive about meeting potentially good matches -so, yes, I would put that ahead of career as much as possible, for now. Don't give up everything but see if you can strike more of a balance so that you are in a position to meet and get to know people/date. I would not do the single mother by choice thing at this point so if you freeze your eggs that would be for the future, not now.

 

As for me I didn't marry or become a mom till I was 42. I didn't need IVF or any intervention and got pregnant for the first time and only time at age 41 -but that is atypical and I was really lucky. What I will say is that I'm thrilled I worked so hard in grad school and at my career for all those years (and I met my husband originally at work) but no I didn't put off marriage or motherhood because of prioritizing a career -I simply didn't become the right person to find the right person until my late 30s and i made poor relationship choices/got in my own way. But I was always proactive about meeting people - online dating, singles events, volunteer work, getting set up on blind dates and setting others up (which also motivated them to return the favor).

 

I would not seek out a life coach right now or anything that required more $ - save your pennies for egg freezing, etc. I would look into books by Martha Beck who I believe addresses these kinds of life choice issues. Also if there is free counseling where you are studying now that might help too. Good luck!!

 

Thank's for your input, I appreciate it. When I came to Cambridge, I was hoping that I'd be quite lucky and that I'd meet my person here and things would naturally fall into place and I'd take it from there, depending on how things unfolded. I'm still hoping that may happen. I've left it up to the universe a bit on that front, whilst also still joining clubs and societies and joining language exchanges, etc. I don't know that that WON'T happen, I'm just feeling increasingly nervous about the fact that I'm being required to make decisions about what plans I intend to make at the end of August, when I complete my degree (assuming I manage to pass). It may seem like August is ages away, but when you're on a visa and you're required to either apply for further study, or apply for jobs a head of the game, etc. it forces you to perhaps try to plan out things vs seeing what things fall into place.

 

As you suggested, I absolutely don't intend to give up on my education. It's something I am so passionate about that I can barely breathe for the love I have for my work. I can't NOT do it, otherwise I really suffer for holding that part of me back. I also want to prioritise living in a place that leaves me open to meeting someone potential, which is what I'm currently concerned about. I don't want to uproot myself from England after having just moved it, and wanting to pursue PhD at Cambridge down the road. But, on my visa, I'm concerned about the kind of job I can get. I only get a few months after finishing my degree to find employment and I'm not sure that it's open to any job - I think it's a condition of my student visa to find work in my discipline. This leaves me limited unless I have a PhD because it's an academic field. Hence, my dilemma. I want more time to hash out these issues, but time is not on my side visa wise, nor fertility wise. I just feel like all the things that I want to achieve are incompatible with each other if they have to be achieved at the same time, unless something unexpected happens that makes it all possible. I wanted to focus on each one separately, but these past years didn't allow for that, and now here I am, hoping that I'll just get lucky. I've spent the last 1-4 years trying to manage things in such a way, to spread things out so that trying to achieve each one doesn't conflict with the other, that I don't have to end up sacrificing anything that I dearly want, but sometimes things just don't come together how you intended. I haven't reached the point of becoming too stressed out about it, but I want to be proactive/preemptive so that I don't get to that bridge then don't know how to navigate it.

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I think you've gotta sit down with a counselor and really hash this out. Granted I attended community college and a land grant, but for $70,000 AUD, I certainly hope Cambridge provides some form of service. Planning this out is something very personalized with regard to both your personal life and your career options. For instance, how urgent this PhD is would depend on just how much it expands your career options to successfully navigate paying back your family, any other loans, other independent living costs, and preparing to support a new family of your own in the future. I have no idea what an MA in Egyptomology would get you over a PhD in whatever you're planning. There are practical considerations when it comes to what windows are opened vs. what further debt you could be bringing into a new family. Especially if your fertility backup is going to be to drop $10,000 on freezing, however much a year to store eggs, and then however much for an IVF or potentially several.

 

I don't say it to sound gloomy. In fact, it's the opposite. Again, speak to someone who's more intimately familiar with your personal circumstances and your prospective fields, but having an MA is pretty well educated and I'm assuming would come with some opportunities. But from my more general perspective, it wouldn't seem like the end of the world if you took what you've got, worked to pay down on what you owe your step dad, do some dating, and if/when you start a family and pop a kid out, get him or her to school-age and hit the books again yourself. I work in academia, and at many prestigious schools in NYC. I see men and women in similar positions or those even more difficult still managing to thrive at 30, 40, 50, and even 60+.

 

Again, without any in depth knowledge of your field and options, it sounds to me like you could get by chronologically prioritizing what's most important to you. Best of luck.

 

Hi j.man, thanks for your advice. I had planned to make an appointment with the career counsellor to see what my options are once term resumes. Unfortunately, with my particular line of work a PhD is a necessity and I embarked upon this road when I was 8 with the knowledge that my career wouldn't really begin until I had that PhD. I was offered a place for study at many universities over the years but never received funding for studies, nor did my attempts at fundraising yield any results. So, as a consequence, I had to spend a lot of years working for tuition money. It just took a lot of time and also other obstacles arose that required me to take time off working, etc. A PhD isn't urgent and I am more than willing to push that back to have the chance to have a family, and it's what I want to do. I realised a few days ago that all I want to do is take time off after this degree and focus on having a family, but, unless I suddenly meet someone and that becomes an option, then that's not entirely in my power to make happen, for financial reasons and the fact it take two to tango unless I become a DIY mum. Plus, I really cannot go back on my financial commitment to my step-father who only allowed me access to the funds on the proviso that I begin paying it back upon completion of my degree. I've put off post-graduate education for so long that I agreed to this commitment over giving up my last chance at studying at Cambridge (they made it clear they weren't going to make a 3rd offer should I decline my second one, again).

 

I will also talk to my college counsellor about the personal side of things, as you advised. See what advice she may be able to give. It's highly unlikely I can work in my field with my PhD, and I'm willing to take on a job in the interim that isn't related in order to save up again and to repay my debt, but I'm concerned because that would likely mean having to relocate to another country, again. I just want to stay put for a bit. It's not easy moving countries all the time. I'm not sure how to balance the only options available to me. Nothing is very ideal. I'm in the process of trying to create the best possible scenario out of the ingredients I have, but none of them seem to work together. I'll definitely give your suggestions a go.

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Due to exchange rates, it makes more sense for you to stay in the UK and find employment. This is where you need to seek some career counseling and placement help from the University instead of making all the assumptions that you are currently making. It may not be the stellar dream job, but it will help you and your step-father financially if he is in dire straights due to your loan. You already have your visas, so at least you don't have to worry about that. Also, talk to your professors about needing a job. Professors can be quite connected and helpful if they believe in you, willing to assist and refer you.

 

Don't assume - check and then check again.

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I get the conflict because I spent many years in grad school plus establishing the career I first dreamed of when I was a teenager. I also knew I wanted to get married and be a mom and knew that from early on. Freezing eggs was not a viable option when I asked my doctor about it 20 years ago when I was 32. (technologically not financially). So here is what I would do. I would either spend the money to freeze eggs (and no you might not need IVF should you need to use them, it depends) or see if there are research or clinical studies you can qualify for where you can have the procedure done for less $ or even for free. And for the next 5 years at least I would prioritize living in a place where you can meet and be proactive about meeting potentially good matches -so, yes, I would put that ahead of career as much as possible, for now. Don't give up everything but see if you can strike more of a balance so that you are in a position to meet and get to know people/date. I would not do the single mother by choice thing at this point so if you freeze your eggs that would be for the future, not now.

 

As for me I didn't marry or become a mom till I was 42. I didn't need IVF or any intervention and got pregnant for the first time and only time at age 41 -but that is atypical and I was really lucky. What I will say is that I'm thrilled I worked so hard in grad school and at my career for all those years (and I met my husband originally at work) but no I didn't put off marriage or motherhood because of prioritizing a career -I simply didn't become the right person to find the right person until my late 30s and i made poor relationship choices/got in my own way. But I was always proactive about meeting people - online dating, singles events, volunteer work, getting set up on blind dates and setting others up (which also motivated them to return the favor).

 

I would not seek out a life coach right now or anything that required more $ - save your pennies for egg freezing, etc. I would look into books by Martha Beck who I believe addresses these kinds of life choice issues. Also if there is free counseling where you are studying now that might help too. Good luck!!

 

Stupid question but is this freezing eggs thing really viable? I've heard about this with celebrities but never understood how it works.

 

As to the topic ahead I agree with what you're saying. It's all about planing ahead and let things take its course.

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If he has no equity in the house because he gave the money to you - is there some form of paper trail or someone he can talk to in order to get his pension back - to prove he did not hide it or give it to you to move money around? If he can get his pension back, he won't be in dire straits. When you do pay him back - do you still have to support him, as he has no pension, now?

 

Your field of employment is very narrow. is it something where you would work a side job to help pay your stepdad faster while you are working a entry level position in your field to get your foot in the door?

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Due to exchange rates, it makes more sense for you to stay in the UK and find employment. This is where you need to seek some career counseling and placement help from the University instead of making all the assumptions that you are currently making. It may not be the stellar dream job, but it will help you and your step-father financially if he is in dire straights due to your loan. You already have your visas, so at least you don't have to worry about that. Also, talk to your professors about needing a job. Professors can be quite connected and helpful if they believe in you, willing to assist and refer you.

 

Don't assume - check and then check again.

 

I already have every intention of speaking to the career counsellor, however, I need to wait for term to time to begin. I also didn't intend on returning to Australia for the reasons outlined above - it just isn't really feasible. Also, I don't particularly care what jobs I have to do in the interim - I've been doing jobs I never wanted to do for the past 15 years in order to make things work, but it has more to do with meeting the conditions of my visa that I have to be a bit more particular in this instance. All that I have outlined are not assumptions, they are likely scenarios and known obstacles given my set of circumstances. I'm trying to mitigate the negatives of likely challenges. I've been over and over things a million times over the past few years trying to arrange things in a way that makes things not so complicated, or to give me my best shot at achieving what I want to. I already know what will be required of me in the several possible outcomes, I'm just feeling a little discouraged by those things because I was hoping that I wouldn't reach the position I've now reached. I was hoping that life would happen naturally in some ways that I didn't have to plan out (i.e. meeting someone, etc.) But, that hasn't occurred as yet, and things have become a little difficult.

 

I'm really not intending to sound like I'm rejecting advice, but it does bother me a bit when people throw out things like I'm making assumptions and I'm letting fear cloud my judgement, etc. No, I've taken the time to look at things realistically and do my best to put myself in my best position to achieve the things that I want. I haven't gone gung ho and made rash decisions. I've utilised the tools around me and have really put my energy into knowing my options and educating myself on relevant issues concerning me. I have approached everything up until now with patience and have been calm with regards to my education, finances, children, etc. but there does come a point when sometimes things just don't fall into place how you were hoping. And, despite things often going off-track regardless of my guiding, I have adapted to the new situations because I've had to, and then readjust my plans. So, it feels like a bit of a slap in the face when people make statements that are to the contrary of what I've been doing the whole time. I'm understandably concerned about being able to have children because I'm a 32 year old woman with existing fertility issues who has, until now, been in an environment VERY counter-productive to meeting someone and having the opportunity to start a family. It wasn't until I came to England and begun my studies that I'd be able to see how my career options and financial situation would be determined. That was a factor I knew I wouldn't be able to work around until I crossed that bridge. Unfortunately, as it turns out, it isn't ideal. I'll have to readjust things again. It's knowing my responsibilities and what they mean and how much it restricts my other goals that has me feeling disheartened. I'm asking for advice on navigating that, not being told I'm making assumptions when I've spent a good long while making sure I'm informed about my options. Sorry for being a bit short about it; I appreciate you taking the time to answer, however, it did trigger me.

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If he has no equity in the house because he gave the money to you - is there some form of paper trail or someone he can talk to in order to get his pension back - to prove he did not hide it or give it to you to move money around? If he can get his pension back, he won't be in dire straits. When you do pay him back - do you still have to support him, as he has no pension, now?

 

Your field of employment is very narrow. is it something where you would work a side job to help pay your stepdad faster while you are working a entry level position in your field to get your foot in the door?

 

Australia is a bit strange when it comes to pensions for some people. In most areas, the government really takes care of us health wise, etc. Our system is based on socialism. The government makes education really available to us (if studying in Australia, not outside of it). In most cases, things are quite good there. But, one government body, called Centerlink, is really difficult. They really make a lot of mistakes and are inconsistent and just need to be overhauled. Because my step-father accessed the equity, Centerlink decided that meant he wasn't in need of his pension for the time being. Despite the fact that that money was transferred to me, they still froze his pension. And, he was my mother's full-time carer and received a carer's pension on top of that, until she passed away last year. Then they stripped him of everything. He is entitled to his pension and that has been declared true, but now he has to go through a very long process of filing paperwork, etc. to reinstate and backpay his pension. My program is only 11 months and it will take many months more before he gets his pension back.

 

I cannot really work in my field at all as entry level doesn't really exist in the typical sense. I specialise in Middle Egyptian language and magic and ritual practices of Middle Kingdom Egypt. I study the material culture pertaining to those practices. I effectively agreed to not work in my field until I obtained a PhD as I knew this was the nature of this discipline. I'm quite happy to work any job under the sun in the interim, but my visa - to my knowledge and as was explained to me when I filled out the paperwork - is tied to my study and I must work in my field if I am to remain in the UK once my study is complete, if I choose not to pursue further studies (PhD). Also, Cambridge make you sign a financial agreement that you will not engage in work whilst undertaking study with them, so I'm not allowed to work while I study either.

 

My options are to leave the UK and work somewhere likely in Asia again (can't go to another European country and get a visa because it require funds to support myself that I don't have, whereas many Asian countries don't have the same requirements if being sponsored - I've been through the process several times both in Asia and Europe); or somehow find a job related to my field that excuses my not having a PhD - so, likely a job with my university assisting in research rather than applied practices - realistically this is unlikely but I have an appointment already to discuss this with my department; return to Australia and get a run of the mill job - likely in retail or hospitality as my set of existing qualifications aren't transferrable to Australia without further costs and study involved (I've checked).

 

But, in having said all that, I will also do whatever needs to be done because that's what I do and how I move forward. But, it hasn't been without sacrifice and I'm worried that this time the sacrifice is going to involve giving up a signifiant amount of time when I have been advised that my window of opportunity to have children is very limited. I know I've gone on about it a bit in my replies to several of the above comments stressing the same thing. I really just finally felt a bit broken down after all always trying to be positive about everything and forging on ahead no matter what. Sometimes people finally crack a bit under the weight of a constantly heavy load. Sorry for harping on a bit.

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That is an * extremely* narrow and almost unrealistic field to get a secure job in. You would have to author papers and bring forth some new discovery. What about getting a teaching certificate so you can be a history teacher in a school - whether that be at what we call high school here in the US or for undergraduate college? You could teach classes in classics, ancient history, world history, etc, and you would be able to share your passion in the meantime. I have know people that did that WHILE they were pursuing their PhD or Masters and it looked better on their resume than doing a totally unrelated job.

 

As far as kids, i met the love of my life a few days before my 35th birthday. you could meet someone tomorrow. you could meet someone in 5 years. I say focus on the things you can control at this moment

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That is an * extremely* narrow and almost unrealistic field to get a secure job in. You would have to author papers and bring forth some new discovery. What about getting a teaching certificate so you can be a history teacher in a school - whether that be at what we call high school here in the US or for undergraduate college? You could teach classes in classics, ancient history, world history, etc, and you would be able to share your passion in the meantime. I have know people that did that WHILE they were pursuing their PhD or Masters and it looked better on their resume than doing a totally unrelated job.

 

As far as kids, i met the love of my life a few days before my 35th birthday. you could meet someone tomorrow. you could meet someone in 5 years. I say focus on the things you can control at this moment

 

Actually, there's no problem in getting a job in my field at all, once you have your PhD. I've already had my data published in the past and, as a career as an academic, that's part of the job description. I can work in any number of areas from being a museum curator specialising in Egyptian antiquities, lecturing at a university (my plan) whilst conducting research, working in heritage management and consultancy with a firm or for the government, and the list goes on. But I do need my PhD. I'll have no issue finding secure employment, it's just I need further study.

 

I hold a teaching qualification already, but it was not acquired in Australia, which means I'd have to re-do it and pay the thousands of dollars and the 1-2 years it requires. I looked into that last year.

 

Regarding children - I still hold out hope that I will meet someone. But that isn't something I can really control, which is partly why I'm feeling down about it. I just really wish I was in a position to have children, and I'm just not. No matter which way I slice it, I'm not in that position at this point in time. With my fertility issues and my other obligations and limited options, I'm feeling a bit stuck in my circumstances. I've done as much as I can to make things possible and the rest is now out of my hands. Things are going to just have to unfold in whichever way they do now. I just feel if I try to manage things anymore than I already have then something going to have to give, and I won't like what that is.

 

Thank you for your encouragement and positivity though! I have my fingers crossed that my time is coming despite my situation.

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I either decide against further study (which I've spent my ENTIRE life working towards) for the foreseeable future in order to re-save money and pay my step-father back immediately (which means also not being in a position to take time off to have children should I meet someone)

 

You're being delayed the study, anyway, for at least a year, so find your best work opportunities and trust that life will guide you as you mention that it already has. You aren't in 'control' of meeting the right partner for children, so deciding that course now is premature. Should you meet the right partner, then working doesn't preclude you from having children. You may or may not be in the financial position to leave work for child rearing, so welcome to the human race where plenty of women take whatever family leave is available from their jobs for maternity and birthing and whatever time this enables them to spend with baby before returning to their jobs and learning how to work 'around' their earlier fantasies of stay-at-home luxury.

 

Your opportunity to resume your PhD will either present itself, or not, so that's not a choice you need to make at this moment. Unless there's a way to bypass your academic advisement to take a year off, the only option you have is to find your most lucrative opportunity outside of school. The rest will fall into place regardless of your best laid plans, unless I'm missing a concrete set of options in one direction or another that you've presented?

 

I'm so sorry about your Mom, and my heart goes out to you. Maybe your best option is to consult with her at every crossroad, and trust that you'll be guided well. Avoid amping up anxiety about your bio clock. The number 3 in front of your decade isn't tragic enough for that, and your highest intelligence will never let you down as long as you can practice relaxing enough to hear it in favor of external noise and false deadlines.

 

Head high, you're a smart woman, and you've got this.

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No one is holding a gun to your head to pursue all this eternally in lieu of having a family, therefore you have your answer. You are already choosing your priorities.

I don't want to not have children but I feel like that's what I'm going to end up being forced to sacrifice because, more than the other two elements, having children involves other things outside my control - a partner, chances of falling pregnant, etc.
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Please understand that we are trying to help you. I have no doubt you've dealt with a lot of challenges and set backs, have thought a lot, researched your options a lot.....BUT that doesn't change the fact that you've become a bit stuck in your understanding of your situation. This is something that is quite obvious reading your posts as a stranger without a pony in this race. This is why people are encouraging you to talk to others at the University, reach out to your professors and so on. You need an injection of another point of view and assistance from someone who can help right now so to speak. I mean you are posting here because....you know this yourself. Nobody is implying that you aren't hard working and doing all you can. Obviously you are one determined lady.

 

Here is the thing about some of your dilemmas. You can plan out and control the path of your education, jobs, and ultimately career to a large extent. However, you cannot control things like romance, meeting the right man, marriage, and having a family. Once you get your current work situation going, you can dedicate more effort into dating in whatever free time you have, but that's all you really can do. When it comes to that, there are no guarantees and no time lines you can set for yourself. Also, having a family and a career/education is perfectly doable together. It's not an either/or kind of a thing. Plenty of women manage all of it just fine. It's not easy, but doable and I don't think you are daunted by difficulties, so you'll be OK. Just don't get stuck in an either/or mentality. It's all of the above together IF you can meet the right guy.

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Hi Lotus,

 

I read your other thread https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=533921 that gives an overview of your struggles you had to go through to be where you are today. Just wow! You've been through a lot indeed, and congrats for making it thus far.

 

Did you get your funds released by the German embassy? I really feel sorry for the visa problem, what happened was so undeserved. There was a good advice on this other thread saying that your passion should not necessary be your profession. You could still persue your interest in Egyptology as a hobby, while securing a stable job that will allow you financial stability and a relationship.

 

Or else, if you decide to go to the end in the pursuit of your Egyptology dream, have you thought of enrollling to a project through European university that does on-site research in Egypt? You do not need a PhD for that. Or write an open letter of application to Cayro University department of Archeology? Like that you could explore the pyramids and artefacts on the spot, while having very low cost of living and no tuition fees. Rather than paying these astronomically high tuition cost in Cambridge. I really think it is not worth it. These types of very specific subjects at very expensive universities are for people that are born in wealth with too much time and money on their hands to spend. Some of them buy a collection of Mazzeratties, other would study a long-time dead language like Egyptian of the Middle Egypt and magic rituals from a kingdom that ceased to exist thousands of years ago.

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I'm really not intending to sound like I'm rejecting advice, but it does bother me a bit when people throw out things like I'm making assumptions and I'm letting fear cloud my judgement, etc. No, I've taken the time to look at things realistically and do my best to put myself in my best position to achieve the things that I want. I haven't gone gung ho and made rash decisions. I've utilised the tools around me and have really put my energy into knowing my options and educating myself on relevant issues concerning me. I have approached everything up until now with patience and have been calm with regards to my education, finances, children, etc. but there does come a point when sometimes things just don't fall into place how you were hoping. And, despite things often going off-track regardless of my guiding, I have adapted to the new situations because I've had to, and then readjust my plans. So, it feels like a bit of a slap in the face when people make statements that are to the contrary of what I've been doing the whole time. I'm understandably concerned about being able to have children because I'm a 32 year old woman with existing fertility issues who has, until now, been in an environment VERY counter-productive to meeting someone and having the opportunity to start a family. It wasn't until I came to England and begun my studies that I'd be able to see how my career options and financial situation would be determined. That was a factor I knew I wouldn't be able to work around until I crossed that bridge. Unfortunately, as it turns out, it isn't ideal. I'll have to readjust things again. It's knowing my responsibilities and what they mean and how much it restricts my other goals that has me feeling disheartened. I'm asking for advice on navigating that, not being told I'm making assumptions when I've spent a good long while making sure I'm informed about my options. Sorry for being a bit short about it; I appreciate you taking the time to answer, however, it did trigger me.

 

It's only because we don't know you or your background... we post objectively about what we see in the original post. You get answers based on people's previous experiences of similar posts vs. who you are or the things you have done to get where you are.

 

I can understand that you are feeling disheartened because of the responsibilities you have... sometimes we hit a crossroad in life where we have to make decisions for our life that are less than ideal to follow through on our commitment to our responsibilities. It would be great if we could have everything we wanted when we wanted it but for most of us, there is a sacrifice involved... either of time, or financially, or of relationships.

 

You seem to know what you want and have put thought into what is important to you and are moving closer to making the decision that you want to make... all that's left is making a plan and taking action as to how you will get yourself there.

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I would say you’re doing exactly what you want right now . If you’ve thrown everything into this and wanted to do it since you were eight years old this is what you want to do . After you are doing what you want to do think about children after that . You can also adopt as well .

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Hi Lotus,

 

I read your other thread https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=533921 that gives an overview of your struggles you had to go through to be where you are today. Just wow! You've been through a lot indeed, and congrats for making it thus far.

 

Did you get your funds released by the German embassy? I really feel sorry for the visa problem, what happened was so undeserved. There was a good advice on this other thread saying that your passion should not necessary be your profession. You could still persue your interest in Egyptology as a hobby, while securing a stable job that will allow you financial stability and a relationship.

 

Or else, if you decide to go to the end in the pursuit of your Egyptology dream, have you thought of enrollling to a project through European university that does on-site research in Egypt? You do not need a PhD for that. Or write an open letter of application to Cayro University department of Archeology? Like that you could explore the pyramids and artefacts on the spot, while having very low cost of living and no tuition fees. Rather than paying these astronomically high tuition cost in Cambridge. I really think it is not worth it. These types of very specific subjects at very expensive universities are for people that are born in wealth with too much time and money on their hands to spend. Some of them buy a collection of Mazzeratties, other would study a long-time dead language like Egyptian of the Middle Egypt and magic rituals from a kingdom that ceased to exist thousands of years ago.

 

Hi there, and thanks for your reply. I did eventually get my funds released but it took several months and I had to leave the Schengen Zone before he'd allow it. Regarding the profession I've chosen, it is more than something I'm a little passionate about, so I feel incomplete when I'm not pursing it academically. I think, outwardly, it may seem like something super niche that is hard to find a job in, but in reality that's not at all the case. I've no concerns whatsoever in working in my field once I completely my education. I worked hard, saved up a lot of money and paid for the degree in cash. I did have to borrow the other half from my step-father and it will only take one year of full-time employment to earn that money back to re-imburse him. It is my intention to become a professor at a university and teach Egyptian language and religion, perhaps some Egyptian archaeology as well. I'll also continue to conduct my own research throughout. I'm not at all worried about my academic future in terms of employability. People who haven't studied in the field of archaeology or Egyptology oftentimes are under the impression that there isn't work in those disciplines or that they're not secure jobs, but it's really not the case at all. I'm also interesting in working with Egyptian antiquities in the prevention of antiquities trafficking and art crime - basically black market activity. My options are quite extensive. It's just I took so long to get to this point because of unrelated factors, so I don't want to keep pushing back my education. But I also want to have children, if possible, and that isn't as flexible in time as my studies are. I'm just a little worried about the fact that my visa, the time I need to take off of studies and work to save money, etc. may be incompatible just because of the nature of my situation. It's not easy to hang around in a foreign country when you might no longer meet the conditions of your visa. But, I think I've talked this topic to death. I'm just going to handle it as I've always handled things - to do my best, make plans but also be open to adjusting them if and when they need it, and continue to put one foot in front of the other.

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It's only because we don't know you or your background... we post objectively about what we see in the original post. You get answers based on people's previous experiences of similar posts vs. who you are or the things you have done to get where you are.

 

I can understand that you are feeling disheartened because of the responsibilities you have... sometimes we hit a crossroad in life where we have to make decisions for our life that are less than ideal to follow through on our commitment to our responsibilities. It would be great if we could have everything we wanted when we wanted it but for most of us, there is a sacrifice involved... either of time, or financially, or of relationships.

 

You seem to know what you want and have put thought into what is important to you and are moving closer to making the decision that you want to make... all that's left is making a plan and taking action as to how you will get yourself there.

 

Thank you for your understanding and helpful comments. To be honest, I posted the initial post incredibly late at night after several days without sleep (I'm an insomniac, unfortunately) and I know things will turn out fine in the end because they somehow always do. And, if things aren't how I wanted, then I'll adjust, because I always do. I'm guess I'm just exhausted from having lived a life without any break from hardships.

 

There was a period of about 6 months 7 years ago where I had a little happiness and that was really nice. Generally I'm very optimistic despite my string of unfortunate events and wouldn't say that I'm depressed or suffer from depression at all, but it does tire one out to have to keep going through one battle after the other without any respite from them. It's not that I'm looking at things negatively or am focusing on the bad things, it's just outside elements that I've somehow found myself in the crossfires of. Some people tend to be quite unlucky, though I always choose to appreciate the lessons gained from those events. I'm really happy that, after everything, I've finally arrived at my goal to become an Egyptologist. It's sad that I can't share it with my mother and confide in her about my worries about not having children and I guess that's why I posted here. Her passing is still very recent and I had no support from family other than my step-father. I'm getting through it though. I'm still holding out hope, and always have, that my time will come and I'll meet someone nice and things will just work out - that it won't be too late for me to have children. I had also planned to adopt right from when I was quite young, so there's still that. I got some sleep last night, so I feel a bit better about things.

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I would say you’re doing exactly what you want right now . If you’ve thrown everything into this and wanted to do it since you were eight years old this is what you want to do . After you are doing what you want to do think about children after that . You can also adopt as well .

 

Thanks, I've always intended to adopt children regardless of whether I have my own biological children or not. And I'm certain that I'll find much happiness with the children that come into my life, whichever way they come into it.

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Thanks, I've always intended to adopt children regardless of whether I have my own biological children or not. And I'm certain that I'll find much happiness with the children that come into my life, whichever way they come into it.

 

That is great then! I think whether you see it or not your life is working exactly the way you wanted it just not in the timeline you wanted . I remember when I was going to university from the time I was young I always wanted to be a lawyer . And then I met my husband and abandoned that because I wanted marriage and children . And I always wanted more than one child . Well, I only had one child and miscarried 4. Within the next few years we will be adopting our great nephew . So I will be having another child just 25 years after expecting them. Life does not occur according to our time unfortunately.

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Thanks, I've always intended to adopt children regardless of whether I have my own biological children or not. And I'm certain that I'll find much happiness with the children that come into my life, whichever way they come into it.

 

Oh that is great news for you -takes a lot of stress off the ticking clock issue.

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