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Thread: Advice on long term relationship and meeting someone new

  1. #1

    Advice on long term relationship and meeting someone new

    I am after relationship advice from others who may have been in a similar situation. Basically, I have been with the same person since uni (now 32). Recently I have been thinking about leaving for fairly selfish reasons. I am probably having a midlife crisis.

    Its a long story, and weve had our ups and downs. Overall, it has been great. There are lots of positives in our relationship and we have things in common. But the last few years have been really challenging (lots of arguing, issues with friends, jealousy, no intimacy for 3+ years, etc).

    Since we first got together our lives have changed a lot. And recently some close family members and friends have passed away, and I have been questioning lots of things about what I want to get from life, relationships, careers.

    Last year I had to travel for work overseas and was away for a few months. It was a great opportunity for me. Since I have been back my partner has been trying to make a lot more effort and weve talked about a few things and trying to get things back on track. I really appreciate the effort she is making. But the same old issues are also still bubbling under the surface. The problem is I am not sure if I want that anymore and I am feeling a bit empty.

    While I was away, I met someone else. It was just as friends, no sex. But we are in contact every day since I got back. I am not 100% sure if we are compatible, we have some different views and cultural differences I guess. She's a bit of a country girl, not well educated and works in hospitality (nothing wrong with that) but doesn't have a lot of cash to splash. In saying that, I had lots of fun with her, she is easy going and I feel positive thinking about a future. She seems quite adventurous, and I think life could be more exciting together. It is very early days, so we are still learning about each other and talking lots but she is asking for things to get more serious and for something to happen. As compared to my life with my current girlfriend, we talk lots, but not much action, its comfortable.

    I am not sure what to do. I think life with my girlfriend would be good although with lots we need to work on. Weve been together a long time, the history is nice, but we struggle to make changes. I hate the thought of hurting her. But I cant stop thinking that life is greener on the other side. If I leave my girlfriend, it would also be financially difficult for me as she makes more money. And then if things work out with the overseas girl, it could be great, but it is also difficult (and expensive) with travel, visas, etc.

    I am worried about living life with regrets (either way) or ending up a poor, lonely man. At the moment I am being a terrible person and very selfish and it is not fair on anyone. I want to make a decision quickly and stick to it but I am finding it really overwhelming. Has anyone else been there in a similar situation? How did it work out?

  2. #2
    Silver Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    i woudl put just as much energy into "fixing" your current relationship as i would with "investing" the time to learn aabout this new gal. Really.
    You haven't tried enough specifically to fix the current relationship to know it's dead for good.
    You dont' know this new gal enough to be thinking about "how the future would be like" either.

    I call this 85/15 syndrome.

    It's SO EASY to imagine "a great life" with somebody you just met and dont' know (who supply 15% of your happiness) when you have somethign already to go home too that provides your 85% already. (thus making you 100% happy).
    What most people dont' get is... there's more likelihood and less work to work on your 85% and make it 100% again - then it is to try it with somebody you know far less who gives you the 15% , but now you have to re-dvelop the 85 % with.

    Why do we all get so fooled by this? Because the 15% is the "exciting fun" stuff.. the "newness" stuff we all love. New people are always exciting and fun. While old partners are not (thus they're missing the 15%, and thus giving the 85%). But what if you just started having fun and re-kindling the 85% with the 15% youv'e so neglected together? (aka "never stop DATING your partner!")

    Good luck.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    No, I haven't been in that position, but I think my advice will still be worthwhile. If your gf read what you've written here, would she really want to stay with you? Yes, you're being selfish and you're cheating on her, even though you haven't been physically intimate with the other woman. Beginning a new relationship when it started with these poor ethics will only lead to disaster.

    You've outgrown the decade-long relationship. It hasn't progressed during this long period, and the fact that you can envision life without her, and have been emotionally cheating on her, means you truly don't love her. The only positive thing you've gone into some detail about is her financial stability, and so basically I see you using her for a better lifestyle for yourself.

    If you care one ounce for this woman, leave her to find a guy who is crazy about her, loves her for other than providing him with decent shelter, and won't cross relationship boundaries, which I'm assuming is the arguments about jealousy you're referring to because you enter into "friendships" with women who you find attractive and fantasize about a future with.

    After you break up with your partner, take a good year alone to be ready to try the dating world again. If you don't learn to be happy solo after the end of such a long relationship, you won't be in a good position to choose your next partner. LDRs are a high risk for failure, especially when the person lives in another country. If that woman knows about your gf and is okay with the cheating, two wrongs don't make a right and if you think you'll have a happily ever after scenario with her, you're living in la la land. If she doesn't know, she will inevitably find out and will never trust you because you're a person who crosses relationship boundaries.

    If you want a successful relationship in the future, practice ethical boundaries. If you can't, just stay single and pursue only casual relationships with no commitment.

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    Platinum Member Clio's Avatar
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    Regardless of whether you break up, going after a new girl at this point is not a sound emotional investment. She lives too far away to develop a proper relationship and based on what you wrote about her it sounds like a rebound/exit afair rather than the real thing. The grass may seem greener on the other side but once the newness wears off it sounds like you will end up having to work through similar or a new set of problems. If you decide to break up, your next relationship will have more chances to succeed if it's not the product of monkey branching to an idealized shiny new long distance set up. You hold 50% of the responsibility for the issues plaguing your relationship and chances are that these issues will resurface in your next relationship if you don't give yourself some time to address them prior to getting with a new person.
    Last edited by Clio; 01-08-2019 at 06:59 PM.

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    Platinum Member ThatwasThen's Avatar
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    It is very early days, so we are still learning about each other and talking lots but she is asking for things to get more serious and for something to happen. As compared to my life with my current girlfriend, we talk lots, but not much action, its comfortable.
    I suggest you quit navel gazing and do the right thing which is either quit talking to the woman you met overseas altogether and focus on your current or leave your current and quit playing the girl you met. Frankly, you should be at least somewhat ashamed of yourself that you are leading Miss Overseas on while you emotionally cheat on your current girlfriend. You don't even know this new girl so stop being foolish and work on your relationship or leave it.

    I am worried about living life with regrets (either way) or ending up a poor, lonely man
    So you selfishly string two women along so that YOU won't be lonely. Lovely! You act if they are the only two women in the world. If you leave both of them alone to find a man that values them, then you'll have other options... eventually.

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    Originally Posted by ThatwasThen
    I suggest you quit navel gazing and do the right thing which is either quit talking to the woman you met overseas altogether and focus on your current or leave your current and quit playing the girl you met. Frankly, you should be at least somewhat ashamed of yourself that you are leading Miss Overseas on while you emotionally cheat on your current girlfriend. You don't even know this new girl so stop being foolish and work on your relationship or leave it.

    So you selfishly string two women along so that YOU won't be lonely. Lovely! You act if they are the only two women in the world. If you leave both of them alone to find a man that values them, then you'll have other options... eventually.
    Couldn't have said it better!

    How selfish! You are cheating on your gf and stringing the other one along for your ego.

    End it with both women, as they deserve better.

  8. #7
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    This

    Originally Posted by Daleybain
    I am after relationship advice from others who may have been in a similar situation. Basically, I have been with the same person since uni (now 32). Recently I have been thinking about leaving for fairly selfish reasons. I am probably having a midlife crisis.
    doesn't agree with

    Its a long story, and weve had our ups and downs. Overall, it has been great. There are lots of positives in our relationship and we have things in common. But the last few years have been really challenging (lots of arguing, issues with friends, jealousy, no intimacy for 3+ years, etc).

    You're not having a midlife crisis. You're having a crisis of acknowledgement. You know it's over, and you know what you need to do. It is selfish. It's supposed to be when your life's happiness in on the line.

  9. #8
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    Sounds like you have already mentally left the relationship, since you have started something with someone else.
    Be fair and choose *1* of them. Cut the other loose so they have a chance at happiness.
    Dont stay with someone because of financial dependence. Thats not fair to either of you.
    Relationships dont have to be that hard.


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