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Thread: Silent after fight

  1. #1
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    Silent after fight

    Hi everyone. I've been dating this girl for 2 months exclusively now, we hung out most days and I've met her family.

    Last week one night she was staying over at my apartment. We went to bed and we started getting intimate.
    After the foreplay I asked if we can have sex, which she said no because it's been sore after her period.
    I know I shouldn't, but I asked her again. It was just cause I was half asleep and I was all turned on.
    She reluctantly said ok but I have to be very gentle.
    After I finished she went to the toilet for a longer time than normal.
    She came back to bed but rolled away to her side. I asked if she's ok and she said she's fine, asked again and same answer.
    Then she took a pillow and went to sleep on the sofa in the living room.
    At this point at night I had no clue what was going on, I knew she was mad at me but I didn't know why.

    Next morning, we sat down on the sofa after she had for a shower.
    I asked her what's wrong as I didn't know whats happening.
    She said if I heard her said no when I asked her the first time.
    I said I did, and I asked again because I really wanted it at that moment.
    She then got angry and said that's the problem.
    I didn't listen to her and I pushed her for it.
    The talk went on and I apologized for disrespecting her, and promised that it won't happen again.

    We got ready to catch a train to a city 1.5hours away where she stays, and where I was originally from.
    We chatted again and things seemed slowly back to normal as the day went.
    I dropped her off at her place and I went home.
    We were messaging that night and the day after.
    But I sensed from her messages that it's different now.

    Two days after we last saw each other I had to go back to the city where I'm staying now and asked her if she would like to come with and stay for couple days.
    She said yes, we met up, got lunch and drove to my apartment.
    She was quieter that day and she apologized for it and said she's not been sleeping well and she's just very tired.
    We went to bed, got up next morning and it was all good like it used to.
    But that morning it's been bugging me how our relationship seemed off.
    Her messages seemed colder and we talked less, she just seemed less excited.

    We got ready and we were walking to the city.
    I brought it up and she said there are a few things frustrating her right now: her family problems, work, uni, and what happened between us last week.
    I apologized again cause disrespecting her is the last thing I want to do, and I asked if we can talk about it, because it's definitely in her mind and affecting our relationship.
    She replied no, cause she's not had a chance to think and process what happened.

    We ended up departed our own ways, she went to get a train home as she had work the next day.
    I called that night but she didn't pick up.
    The next morning, I called again, and she hung up after 2 rings.
    She then messaged saying that she's on her way to work, asked me what's up.
    I replied saying I just wanted to check how she was.
    She said she's tired, didn't sleep well and asked how I was.
    I replied and thats the last message.


    I'm not sure what to do now. I know she said she needs time to think and process.
    But at the same time, we've always been messaging and chatting with each other.
    I called twice since I last saw her cause I wanted to check that she's ok, and I really just want to talk through it with her.
    I don't want to be all quiet so she think I don't care.
    But I guess there's nothing I can do right now, since she asked for the time to think?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Leave her be and stop pushing her. She has told you she is upset about what happened so you need to respect that and allow her the chance to process how she is feeling.

    And by the way... no means no; it doesn't mean ask again, or that she isn't sure, and it most certainly isn't her coy way of saying yes. Next time have respect for the word no and for her.

  3. #3
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    Yes I 100% agree.
    I was just stupid, I don't know what I was thinking.
    There's no excuse and it's my fault that I messed up.

    I'm feeling really crap about it and I know I deserve it

  4. #4
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    Leave her alone. You really need to listen to what people are saying.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Well here is the thing. Her issue with you at the moment is that you don't hear her the first time. So she has asked you for some space and what are you doing yet again? Not respecting her request and pushing and pushing.... so she is becoming more distant as you are proving to her over and over that you just do not hear her. STOP.

    Btw, she is kind of full of it herself about what happened that night unless there is much more you aren't telling us. If you asked once and she said no, asked again and she said yes, then quite frankly she has no right to hold this over your head as if you are some evil villain. Like I said, unless there is more to this in terms of actually pressuring her, getting grumpy, pushy, physically pushy, etc., then she really has to take responsibility for herself and her own choices and cannot blame you entirely. She could have easily reaffirmed her "no" if that's how she really felt. She can't be dishonest about her wishes and then put full blame on the partner for that.

  7. #6
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    That's all it was.
    I did brought up that if she had said no the second time I wouldn't have went for it. (Again, I know I should have listened the first time)
    She immediately said no, I should have just listened. But later on in the first conversation she did say she's also angry at herself that she didn't say no again.
    That's why I thought we were ok after the conversation.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    I agree with Dancing fool, she did agree after you asked the second time so she does own some of this.

    She is more than likely upset that you didn't care more about her than yourself. Basically to her it looks like you didn't care that she was sore as long as you got what you wanted.

    Seriously how pleasurable do you think it was for her anyways?

    If you want a woman to want you as much as you want her you need to make sure you focus on her needs everytime and not be a selfish jerk. If you rock her world or do your very best to rock her world what do you think the chances are she will want to jump your bones the next chance she gets?

    Stay focused on her

    Lost

  9. #8
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    Putting myself in her shoes, I do think she is being a little dramatic about the whole “I said no the first time” thing. Personally, that would not have upset me as long as you weren’t too pushy about it and accepted my second “no”.

    That said, we are all allowed to be emotional sometimes - and the thing that would have upset me more was when she went to sleep on the sofa (clearly a sign of being distressed)... I mean... did you go to talk to her at all? Or did you let her stew in her upset state until morning? That would underline and “prove” her point that you didn’t really care about her feelings.

    You’ve apologized. You’ve tried to make things right. You’ve (hopefully) learned your lesson. Now I agree with the others that the only thing to do is respect her wishes and let her figure it out. Perhaps you can try ONE more time to express how distressed you are about the whole situation... but it’s really on her now. She needs to decide if she wants to let it go and move on with the relationship or not.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by coffeeshop
    That's all it was.
    I did brought up that if she had said no the second time I wouldn't have went for it. (Again, I know I should have listened the first time)
    She immediately said no, I should have just listened. But later on in the first conversation she did say she's also angry at herself that she didn't say no again.
    That's why I thought we were ok after the conversation.
    If that's true, then quite frankly, in your shoes I'd be having serious doubts about continuing a relationship with a person like that. This is dangerous territory that breaches trust in the relationship, especially when it comes to intimacy. Meaning that going forward, how can you trust her that when she says yes, she actually means yes and won't roll over and take it back again and again and blame you somehow for forcing her into things. Beware OP. That kind of temper tantrum and willful blame shifting after the fact is a very serious character flaw and one that can potentially land you in jail over a false rape accusation. I mean she is already being ridiculously dramatic and over the top about this situation. If she dumps you, I'd say be thankful and if she doesn't, think about ending things politely yourself.

  11. #10
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    just an update, she just messaged me to ask if i want to talk on the phone later.

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