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Silent after fight


coffeeshop

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Hi everyone. I've been dating this girl for 2 months exclusively now, we hung out most days and I've met her family.

 

Last week one night she was staying over at my apartment. We went to bed and we started getting intimate.

After the foreplay I asked if we can have sex, which she said no because it's been sore after her period.

I know I shouldn't, but I asked her again. It was just cause I was half asleep and I was all turned on.

She reluctantly said ok but I have to be very gentle.

After I finished she went to the toilet for a longer time than normal.

She came back to bed but rolled away to her side. I asked if she's ok and she said she's fine, asked again and same answer.

Then she took a pillow and went to sleep on the sofa in the living room.

At this point at night I had no clue what was going on, I knew she was mad at me but I didn't know why.

 

Next morning, we sat down on the sofa after she had for a shower.

I asked her what's wrong as I didn't know whats happening.

She said if I heard her said no when I asked her the first time.

I said I did, and I asked again because I really wanted it at that moment.

She then got angry and said that's the problem.

I didn't listen to her and I pushed her for it.

The talk went on and I apologized for disrespecting her, and promised that it won't happen again.

 

We got ready to catch a train to a city 1.5hours away where she stays, and where I was originally from.

We chatted again and things seemed slowly back to normal as the day went.

I dropped her off at her place and I went home.

We were messaging that night and the day after.

But I sensed from her messages that it's different now.

 

Two days after we last saw each other I had to go back to the city where I'm staying now and asked her if she would like to come with and stay for couple days.

She said yes, we met up, got lunch and drove to my apartment.

She was quieter that day and she apologized for it and said she's not been sleeping well and she's just very tired.

We went to bed, got up next morning and it was all good like it used to.

But that morning it's been bugging me how our relationship seemed off.

Her messages seemed colder and we talked less, she just seemed less excited.

 

We got ready and we were walking to the city.

I brought it up and she said there are a few things frustrating her right now: her family problems, work, uni, and what happened between us last week.

I apologized again cause disrespecting her is the last thing I want to do, and I asked if we can talk about it, because it's definitely in her mind and affecting our relationship.

She replied no, cause she's not had a chance to think and process what happened.

 

We ended up departed our own ways, she went to get a train home as she had work the next day.

I called that night but she didn't pick up.

The next morning, I called again, and she hung up after 2 rings.

She then messaged saying that she's on her way to work, asked me what's up.

I replied saying I just wanted to check how she was.

She said she's tired, didn't sleep well and asked how I was.

I replied and thats the last message.

 

 

I'm not sure what to do now. I know she said she needs time to think and process.

But at the same time, we've always been messaging and chatting with each other.

I called twice since I last saw her cause I wanted to check that she's ok, and I really just want to talk through it with her.

I don't want to be all quiet so she think I don't care.

But I guess there's nothing I can do right now, since she asked for the time to think?

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Leave her be and stop pushing her. She has told you she is upset about what happened so you need to respect that and allow her the chance to process how she is feeling.

 

And by the way... no means no; it doesn't mean ask again, or that she isn't sure, and it most certainly isn't her coy way of saying yes. Next time have respect for the word no and for her.

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Well here is the thing. Her issue with you at the moment is that you don't hear her the first time. So she has asked you for some space and what are you doing yet again? Not respecting her request and pushing and pushing.... so she is becoming more distant as you are proving to her over and over that you just do not hear her. STOP.

 

Btw, she is kind of full of it herself about what happened that night unless there is much more you aren't telling us. If you asked once and she said no, asked again and she said yes, then quite frankly she has no right to hold this over your head as if you are some evil villain. Like I said, unless there is more to this in terms of actually pressuring her, getting grumpy, pushy, physically pushy, etc., then she really has to take responsibility for herself and her own choices and cannot blame you entirely. She could have easily reaffirmed her "no" if that's how she really felt. She can't be dishonest about her wishes and then put full blame on the partner for that.

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That's all it was.

I did brought up that if she had said no the second time I wouldn't have went for it. (Again, I know I should have listened the first time)

She immediately said no, I should have just listened. But later on in the first conversation she did say she's also angry at herself that she didn't say no again.

That's why I thought we were ok after the conversation.

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I agree with Dancing fool, she did agree after you asked the second time so she does own some of this.

 

She is more than likely upset that you didn't care more about her than yourself. Basically to her it looks like you didn't care that she was sore as long as you got what you wanted.

 

Seriously how pleasurable do you think it was for her anyways?

 

If you want a woman to want you as much as you want her you need to make sure you focus on her needs everytime and not be a selfish jerk. If you rock her world or do your very best to rock her world what do you think the chances are she will want to jump your bones the next chance she gets?

 

Stay focused on her

 

Lost

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Putting myself in her shoes, I do think she is being a little dramatic about the whole “I said no the first time” thing. Personally, that would not have upset me as long as you weren’t too pushy about it and accepted my second “no”.

 

That said, we are all allowed to be emotional sometimes - and the thing that would have upset me more was when she went to sleep on the sofa (clearly a sign of being distressed)... I mean... did you go to talk to her at all? Or did you let her stew in her upset state until morning? That would underline and “prove” her point that you didn’t really care about her feelings.

 

You’ve apologized. You’ve tried to make things right. You’ve (hopefully) learned your lesson. Now I agree with the others that the only thing to do is respect her wishes and let her figure it out. Perhaps you can try ONE more time to express how distressed you are about the whole situation... but it’s really on her now. She needs to decide if she wants to let it go and move on with the relationship or not.

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That's all it was.

I did brought up that if she had said no the second time I wouldn't have went for it. (Again, I know I should have listened the first time)

She immediately said no, I should have just listened. But later on in the first conversation she did say she's also angry at herself that she didn't say no again.

That's why I thought we were ok after the conversation.

 

If that's true, then quite frankly, in your shoes I'd be having serious doubts about continuing a relationship with a person like that. This is dangerous territory that breaches trust in the relationship, especially when it comes to intimacy. Meaning that going forward, how can you trust her that when she says yes, she actually means yes and won't roll over and take it back again and again and blame you somehow for forcing her into things. Beware OP. That kind of temper tantrum and willful blame shifting after the fact is a very serious character flaw and one that can potentially land you in jail over a false rape accusation. I mean she is already being ridiculously dramatic and over the top about this situation. If she dumps you, I'd say be thankful and if she doesn't, think about ending things politely yourself.

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I did go into the living room and asked her what's wrong, which she said in an annoyed tone, "I don't want to talk about it right now, I just want to be alone".

I didn't know what else to say and knew pushing her wouldn't help so I left her alone and went back to my room.

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If that's true, then quite frankly, in your shoes I'd be having serious doubts about continuing a relationship with a person like that. This is dangerous territory that breaches trust in the relationship, especially when it comes to intimacy. Meaning that going forward, how can you trust her that when she says yes, she actually means yes and won't roll over and take it back again and again and blame you somehow for forcing her into things. Beware OP. That kind of temper tantrum and willful blame shifting after the fact is a very serious character flaw and one that can potentially land you in jail over a false rape accusation. I mean she is already being ridiculously dramatic and over the top about this situation. If she dumps you, I'd say be thankful and if she doesn't, think about ending things politely yourself.

 

I understand what you're saying, that's why initially during the night and in the morning before the talk I was confused.

I could guess or narrow it down to "what's wrong", but I didn't guess that part.

 

This time however, after having reflected on it.

She is right on the part that I should have just listened to her the first time.

 

We'll see how the talk goes.

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We just talked on the phone.

 

I first apologised which she accepted.

Then she talked about what happened.

Turns out she had a bad experience before, which she never told me before as she wanted to keep it to herself, and my actions triggered her.

She then said she has this "mental block" in her head that she's now on high alert and defensive towards me.

 

She said I'm a lovely person, but her thoughts is everywhere and she doesn't know how to explain what she wants.

She can't make plans to see or deal with anyone right now.

 

At the end I asked is this a breakup then, which she replied I said I don't know what I want right now.

Which I said I'm sorry but I just don't understand where I stand.

 

Then we ended the call where she wished me a nice evening.

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Sorry to hear this. Good you talked. She's right to end things gracefully if she has too much baggage. Is there an on/off bf or ex in the picture? How long before you started dating did she break up?

 

There's no on/off bf or ex in the picture.

We talked about our exes so we both know each other's past relationship history.

Before me she had a relationship about a year long which started to fade December 2017, ended last January, and we met in November.

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Unfortunately, it sounds like she needs some counseling to help her deal with whatever it is that happened to her. I'm saying this kindly for her sake and yours. It's not fair to either of you or to any guy that she dates for her to have such a reaction and it will destroy her relationships. Shifting blame never helps regardless of underlying reasons.

 

I sincerely hope that you don't pile blame and guilt onto yourself because with anyone else, asking twice wouldn't even hit the radar and yes would mean yes without repercussions and drama.

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I said I did, and I asked again because I really wanted it at that moment.

 

This is REALLY bad, do you see it? Apologizing doesn't change the fact that you make it all about you and your needs. She might as well have been some sort of inanimate sex toy. You wanted it, you wanted it right then and there, you wanted it badly and who cares that she DIDN'T want it? Go take a shower and wack off if you have to.

 

Apologies will only get you so far. You need to lose the selfish "all about me" attitude and start showing compassion towards your partner or be ready for constant rejections when they realize how self centered you are.

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Well here is the thing. Her issue with you at the moment is that you don't hear her the first time. So she has asked you for some space and what are you doing yet again? Not respecting her request and pushing and pushing.... so she is becoming more distant as you are proving to her over and over that you just do not hear her. STOP.

 

This is exactly the bingo!

1. you didn't respect her by ignoring her "no" and kept insisting until she said yes

2. you say things that sound good like "i would never do anything to disrespect and hurt you" - and yet you just did.

 

There is a difference between what one says, and what one does. You are consistently sayign 1 thing, then doing the opposite. And that's why she's so frustrated, needs to think about how she feels about it, and needs the time and space to figure out if you're still worth it for her (which i'm sorry to tell you... she doesn't think you are and just wants to make sure and give it every chance before she cuts it off).

 

Yo keep doing what you ultimately want in the end regardless of what she says - and so your words and explanations don't hold any credit right now.

 

The best chance you have - is to be quiet. let her be. let her dictate for now. and just go alon gwith whatever she says and let her dictate without any influence or pushign from you until you've wone her trust back (but you will never win it 100% back ever again). You just ensured that she will always have to think twice when it comes to you for as long as you two are together (whch may not be that long). And rightfully so.

 

She said 'no'.

its the #1 thing women need to feel respected on

and you pissed all over it and pushed her until you got it anyway. and you continue to do so in every facet.

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Give her space and let her figure out what she wants then. That is what she asked for right?

 

If you don't hear from her in a week then give her a call and ask how she is doing and see where it goes.

 

This really isn't your burden to carry, she needs to seek out help to deal with what ever this trauma is she is carrying around with her.

 

It sounds like a breakup is in the wind and it may not be the worst thing from what you described. Many times when they tell you "I don't know what I want right now" it means I want to break up but I can't bring myself to come out and say it.

 

Stay busy, give her some space and check in with her after a while.

 

Lost

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Thanks for the replies guys.

 

Yeh I'm giving her all the space. We've not been in contact since out last talk on the phone.

 

If I'm honest I was surprised to hear that she had this "bad experience", and that she has not told anyone and been keeping it to herself.

While I still agree that I've messed up and I should have listened to her the first time, I think I would be a lot more cautious, careful, and handled it differently on this matter with her if she had told me about her bad experience.

 

 

But yes, no excuse, I messed up this one.

I'm 27 this year and I've had a few relationships in the past, some long some short, some serious some not so.

I know it's only been 2 months but I did think that her and I could go a long way.

She's what I've been looking for and we're so compatible.

 

I think I'm going to regret about messing this one up, and it'll haunt me from time to time.

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I don’t think you messed up at all. You didn’t ask her 15 times and pressure her into saying yes. You asked her twice. Twice. That’s it. That’s not insistent, that’s not pressure. If I flew off the handle every time someone asked me something twice, it’d be a daily occurrence. And SHE made the decision to say yes the second time. That’s on her. If she doesn’t have the willpower to say “no” two times, then she’s got no willpower. Making it your fault is a bunch of BS.

 

I agree 100% with DancingFool. This girl is not in a mindset to be dating, and you’re putting yourself in a very vulnerable and dangerous situation by continuing an intimate relationship with her.

 

I’d have been furious immediately after learning she wanted to blame me for her decision...and probably dumped her shortly after.

 

Don’t beat yourself up about it.

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I don’t think you messed up at all. You didn’t ask her 15 times and pressure her into saying yes. You asked her twice. Twice. That’s it. That’s not insistent, that’s not pressure. If I flew off the handle every time someone asked me something twice, it’d be a daily occurrence. And SHE made the decision to say yes the second time. That’s on her. If she doesn’t have the willpower to say “no” two times, then she’s got no willpower. Making it your fault is a bunch of BS.

 

I agree 100% with DancingFool. This girl is not in a mindset to be dating, and you’re putting yourself in a very vulnerable and dangerous situation by continuing an intimate relationship with her.

 

I’d have been furious immediately after learning she wanted to blame me for her decision...and probably dumped her shortly after.

 

Don’t beat yourself up about it.

 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts indea08.

 

Yeh that's what I was initially thinking as well when we were talking the next morning on the sofa.

And that's also why I didn't know why she was so mad that night.

When I mentioned that if she had said no again then I wouldn't have went for it, she immediately said there's no excuse.

She does have a point, and I agree with it.

 

 

Anyway, I think this relationship is over for now.

And I'm definitely sad that it's over as I thought we had the potential to go far.

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One little detail I forgot to mention, or didn't bring up cause I didn't think it matter much to what happened.

 

She has anxiety and has been taking meds daily for 3 years now.

We didn't talk about what triggered her anxiety and she's been managing it and seemed ok since I met her.

 

 

 

 

I think I feel like I've messed this up cause it was all going so well, before this.

And I'm just feeling crap that it has to end so soon.

 

I'm feeling tired today, not been sleeping well.

But I just got to learn from my mistakes and move on right?

 

 

And all your replies are helping me so much.

While I might not be 100% at fault on this one, it made me realised that I have to listen more, like actually listen, and my actions has to match my words.

Please keep sharing your thoughts and insights.

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I thinking living and learning is about all you can do at this point. I’m sorry you’re sad that it’s ending sooner than you’d hoped, but I’m glad that it’s ending with her being upset at a distance as opposed to her slandering you over a decision she was apart of (seriously, what if she decides in her mind she feels violated and goes to the police?! This happens!!). This is for the best.

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She said no to sex and you asked again.

She gave you several queues that she wanted some space and yet you came back again and again.

 

This is the only thing I see you might have done wrong.

Not the you had sex with her but that you weren't picking up the signs. All of them, collectively.

 

Two months in and she didn't feel up to having sex and threw in several excuses along the way.

So many have taken the road that she's somehow fragile and very damaged

 

This could merely be a case of two months that have run their course and it's just not the relationship she was looking for.

Don't beat yourself up for it.

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