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Thread: I need a friend who would feel me

  1. #1
    Frazen's Avatar
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    I need a friend who would feel me

    I lack true friends. I'm talking about friends with whom you can talk about philosophical issues, people who try to understand you and feel you. People who have the guts to tolerate strong emotions and don't escape when you tell them of the pain that is eating you away.

    My partner and I have moved to a new place, and I'm finding it really hard to integrate with the society here. Fortunately, my partner, who is a kind and caring person, is with me and I'm not completely alone, but he's not enough. I have some so-called "friends" here who I see once in a while and we go out together and talk about movies and stuff. But our talks aren't as deep as what I want.

    It might sound like a silly issue to you, but I'm a very sensitive person. I have antlers with which I detect people's emotions, and my agility in sympathizing has helped me a lot in my life; it's a type of emotional intelligence, but it has its own downsides: I have an insatiable desire for people's emotions. I love to see them cry or laugh uncontrollably, I love it when they share their problems with me, I suck in their thoughts, their feelings, and their memories and it gives me so much meaning in life. [They also give me some material for my creative writing, but that's beside the point].

    In this new place, every one feels alien to me. They are too cold and emotionally immature. They normally suppress their feelings to an extent that they seem like robots. They do show simple emotions like laughing and crying, but to a minimal and controlled degree. A few months ago I managed to connect with a group of web writers whose emotions and problems were good enough for giving me meaning but they were not living in the same society. I lost my contact with them after some time as I thought this is not what I was seeking, but presently I feel like I just can't make sense of the society here. It's overly materialistic and robotic. People are reduced to insensitive cotton puppets. I'm deeply hoping that I can find a friend here who can feel what I say, instead of rationally challenging it, but I don't know how to find that prospective friend. I guess since most deep talks take place online, there's no chance that these people would open up when we physically meet. I'm even okay with online friendships, as long as they would be living in the same society and would be serious in friendship.

    Any way, what do you recommend me to do?

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Andrina's Avatar
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    Why don't you start a Meetup.com group and maybe likeminded people will join? Perhaps book discussion groups would be a good outlet for your needs. Try journaling to delve into your emotions, since you don't need anyone else for that activity. Just be realistic that sometimes people don't want to regularly deal with intense emotions because daily life is stressful, and many people just want to enjoy relaxing with friends. I am more than willing to be there to support a friend who is in pain, but if every time we got together, that's all that it was about, it would be draining.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    It might sound like a silly issue to you, but I'm a very sensitive person. I have antlers with which I detect people's emotions, and my agility in sympathizing has helped me a lot in my life; it's a type of emotional intelligence, but it has its own downsides: I have an insatiable desire for people's emotions. I love to see them cry or laugh uncontrollably, I love it when they share their problems with me, I suck in their thoughts, their feelings, and their memories and it gives me so much meaning in life.
    Hopefully it's more reciprocal than just sucking in people's thoughts and feelings.

    You thrive on a type of connection that often takes years to build. Adult humans do not typically jump into relationships with the willingness to be completely and totally raw with someone they don't know very well, and if you are living in a society where people are more reserved you may never find exactly what you are looking for.

    How about instead of trying to pigeon hole people into your view of what a friendship would be and putting a negative spin on it because they don't meet your needs, you look for ways to be satisfied and fulfilled emotionally without relying on others? And perhaps start to focus on the positives and appreciate the diversity of the world we live in? Because there are so many different cultures and I believe each one is to be celebrated and appreciated in a different way... and I believe that if this is our focus then that emotional intimacy you seek will come naturally once people get to know you.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    I'm alone in another country where people are colder and harder to get close than in my country, so I can relate a lot to what you wrote. There aren't meetup.com events where I am (but I recommend you check if they are in your area) and not many group activities that are not for either children or retired people. It's a major complaint here from foreigners that it's very hard to make local friends. However, I've been trying to have a good relationship with my co-workers and I'm getting closer to them. Since it's an informal work environment, it's easier to get closer. If none of this is possible where you are, I suggest getting in a course there, it can be language course or any other course that takes place in group. I'd also try to become the most fluent possible in the country's language, so that you can communicate better with people there. That has helped me tremendously.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member Annia's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by maew
    Hopefully it's more reciprocal than just sucking in people's thoughts and feelings.

    You thrive on a type of connection that often takes years to build. Adult humans do not typically jump into relationships with the willingness to be completely and totally raw with someone they don't know very well, and if you are living in a society where people are more reserved you may never find exactly what you are looking for.

    How about instead of trying to pigeon hole people into your view of what a friendship would be and putting a negative spin on it because they don't meet your needs, you look for ways to be satisfied and fulfilled emotionally without relying on others? And perhaps start to focus on the positives and appreciate the diversity of the world we live in? Because there are so many different cultures and I believe each one is to be celebrated and appreciated in a different way... and I believe that if this is our focus then that emotional intimacy you seek will come naturally once people get to know you.
    This is also a good point. It's rare that there are people who can have that sort of emotional connection and rawness. It might even be exhausting to some people. However, we can take and give different things from different people. It's ok to have people with whom we have "shallower" relationships, hobby relationships, work relationships, going out relationships, closer and more distance. It's more realistic and less prone to disappointment than trying to find people who are everything and more.
    Sometimes I feel so lonely here that it almost hurts (even if I'm more on the introverted side), but then I look around and realise that with every person I interact, I learn so much. Some friendships build fast and the emotional connection is fast, but most friendships take time to develop to a deeper level.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    ....emotional intelligence is the ability to connect with and understand those who are completely emotionally different from yourself. When you judge those who are different and call them "insensitive cotton puppets", you are pretty far from having any kind of emotional intelligence, but plenty of personal arrogance. I recommend that you adjust your attitude and work on yourself if you hope to form any real friendships with people.

  8. #7
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    i think.. what i recommend you do is to realize that all you think about is YOUR needs. Everybody else exists to serve you if you. (every statement you made in your post is about what you need, get out of it, want from people)
    i think... what I recommend is that you start focusing on and thinking about what value you can bring to others to balance that out....

    and that if you can balance that out and you are just as conscientious of what you bring for them as what you feel they can do for you ... things will pick up.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
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    If drama is your thing, have you considered joining a theater group?

    I'd consider the down side of turning frustrated and hostile, since that just repels rather than attracts people. I'd also reconsider my definition of emotional intelligence, because it involves a degree of self sufficiency that isn't needy and allows for patience, resilience, and an ability to meet people where they are and to find small areas of commonality that respects the limits of others while encouraging them to open up in their own time and ways.

    As kids, we were blank slates and could homogenize well with others. As we mature, we grow more solidly into our own personalities, and we won't be everyone's cup of tea. That's where forming different kinds and degrees of friendship is useful. A tennis friend might be lousy at conversation, a shopping friend may not share our politics, a hobby or movie friend may not be too interesting outside of that scope, and a friend in whom we confide may hate crowds and not want to join us for events or parties.

    So we form different acquaintances with different people who meet different needs. Over time we create a 'safe' place for people to open up and share emotionally. This can take time, and it won't happen if we're judgmental or tend to complain about the limits of people.

    Sometimes subtlety brings its own joys. It may appear to be the opposite of dramatic, but you know that they say about still waters.


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