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Thread: Afraid to speak because myself I don't know what I want

  1. #1
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    Afraid to speak because myself I don't know what I want

    Hello,

    My boyfriend and I have been together one year. We love each other, we are closer than ever as we have both started talking about our past and our up-bringing.

    The thing now is this, on one side I want to simply enjoy, going forward with the day to day life together, and my job and friends and activities on the other side, since we are 32 and 34 respectively I wonder if I have to ask him about how he feels about marriage, children, "the future".

    I am afraid to do this because myself I don't know what it is the answer expected from me since this is my first proper relationship and him my second man in the span of less than two years. Yes I know it sounds weird.

    For me I am happy to simply let things go as they are but I wonder if it is better to have plans.

    We are so similar that I love how things have so evolved naturally without big words or having to say we are in a relationship. We fall into it when we included the other in our lives and involving family and friends.

    Should I follow my instinct?

    Thanks,

    Mikaila

  2. #2
    Platinum Member Wiseman2's Avatar
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    Has he brought it up? Do you know where he stands on living together, marriage, kids etc in general? If you do not want these things anytime soon or at all or just don't know what you want and neither of you have brought them up then why discuss it at this time?
    Originally Posted by Mikaila
    I wonder if I have to ask him about how he feels about marriage, children, "the future". I am afraid to do this because myself I don't know what it is the answer expected from me since this is my first proper relationship

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    Originally Posted by Wiseman2
    Has he brought it up? Do you know where he stands on living together, marriage, kids etc in general? If you do not want these things anytime soon or at all or just don't know what you want and neither of you have brought them up then why discuss it at this time?
    Hi, no he hasn't and I don't know/he never mentioned living together, marriage and kids. Why discuss it? That's the point. I feel that it is sort of expected but maybe it isn't right?

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    Platinum Member Keyman's Avatar
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    At some point you need to define what the relationship is and what you both want out of it. If you do decide you want children, but in five years find out that he doesn't you will be left bitterly disappointed and will have to invest time to find someone who does.

    I feel that a year is long enough to get to know each other before finding out what he wants. Personally, I would have some kind of understanding from the first couple of dates.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member DancingFool's Avatar
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    A large part of a strong and healthy relationship is open and clear communication and the ability to discuss important topics.

    After a year, you should both know what your life goals are, relationship goals and so on. You do need to talk, define your relationship, know where it's going, if it's going anywhere at all. If your future goals and ideas aren't aligned, then you should stop wasting time and part ways. As keyman said, you don't want to float along for another 5 years only to find out that he doesn't want children and you do.

    In general, when you date, it's important that you both talk and understand where you stand. Too often what happens when people fail to do that is that one person thinks they are in this great monogamous relationship and the other is treating things as just casual and temporary.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member maew's Avatar
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    Just talk to him about it. Even if you don't have the answers yourself... talk about how you feel. You will feel better once it's out in the open.

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    Platinum Member lostandhurt's Avatar
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    Isn't it strange after a year and being so close and doing all kinds of things to each other in bed how simple words can be so scary.

    You should be able to have a conversation about this and not be so afraid of the answer that you are paralyzed into inaction.

    Let me put it to you this way: Whether you ask the questions or not his answers are the same but when you ask them you now also know the answers. Just because a question is not asked does not change the answer...

    He may very well be thinking the same things as you but is also afraid of screwing up a seemingly good thing. One year in is more than enough time to start clarifying what you want and what he wants in life, a relationship and possible marriage.

    Be brave and bring it up casually. "You know we have never talked about what we want in life like a house, kids or marriage" "I really don't know where you stand and honestly I am not sure where I stand on some of these things but I think we should be able to talk about them don't you?"

    I think it is a bigger issue in your mind than it will turn out in reality.

    Lost

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    You are both in your 30's, been dating a year, and not bringing up marriage and kids? Eeekk!! Unless you wanna have a man-friend with no chance of kids, say nothing. Don't be afraid. Just ask him, what are your life goals, and can he picture you in them.

    Nothing to worry about. The one for you will actually want to marry you. But you need to clarify about kids. Some do, some don't, and some are not ready. But you two aren't spring chickens.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member j.man's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Mikaila
    Hello,

    My boyfriend and I have been together one year. We love each other, we are closer than ever as we have both started talking about our past and our up-bringing.

    The thing now is this, on one side I want to simply enjoy, going forward with the day to day life together, and my job and friends and activities on the other side, since we are 32 and 34 respectively I wonder if I have to ask him about how he feels about marriage, children, "the future".

    I am afraid to do this because myself I don't know what it is the answer expected from me since this is my first proper relationship and him my second man in the span of less than two years. Yes I know it sounds weird.

    For me I am happy to simply let things go as they are but I wonder if it is better to have plans.

    We are so similar that I love how things have so evolved naturally without big words or having to say we are in a relationship. We fall into it when we included the other in our lives and involving family and friends.

    Should I follow my instinct?

    Thanks,

    Mikaila
    Good to communicate? Sure. "Have plans?" No.

    You're getting to the point you see a future with him, which is great. A year in is when folks start thinking more long-term. It's important to be on the same page with respect to each of yours life goals, but I'd avoid making any plans, if by doing so you mean talking about when you two should be getting married, having kids, etc. As a couple folks have mentioned, it's a bit strange these topics haven't been broached much sooner, but it's better late than never.

  11. #10
    Gold Member thisisrichey's Avatar
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    who cares about what's expected?

    you guys do YOU and that's all that matters. Continue enjoying it and stop worryign about everyting else and "what should we be doing right about now?"
    If you ever wonder "what should we be doing right now?" The answer is, "what do you want to do?" That's it.

    Every couple is different.
    So there is no FORMULA for every couple to follow.

    My assessment of this situation is - just keep doing what you are. he hasn't mentioned it, and you're not in a hurry to get to that either. sounds like you're on the same page.

    You're doing great.


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